My wife and my future second wife threaten to kill themselves, help me.
Salat al-Istikhara in Urdu
Dear brothers and sisters, I am 29 years old married man. I was surfing on internet and i came across with a girl and we start discussion. With passage of time we felt so close to one another that we thought we are made for each other, we fell in love , I told the girl that i am married but it neither helped her nor me and she said i can't live wthout you and no matter what i will marry you and so did i.
Time went on and months and months passed but each day we loved more and felt more about one another but we still didn't meet. One day she told her family that she want to marry a married person, they tortured her and said no to her. She couldn,t come online for a week or so and i was worried about her but i thought that may be she left me because of her family, that was a terribel time for me but deep down i knew her she was not a type of girl who will leave me bcs she loved me so deep and so did i. I send her message that dear i am deactivating my facebook bcs its very hard to see the inbox and i couldn,t find your message, so i deactivate my facebook. And then one day she sent me a message and she i begged for you please don,t leave the facebook and after some time i came to know that she was not sending me messages bcs her borther said no to her about our relationship and then she had cut her vien and was uncncious in the room and then her family took her to hospital and she was admitted there for three days.
After that we started contact again and she kept telling me time and again that i will die without you so never ever leave me. How could i leave her bcs i loved her but still she has to make sure. I love my first wife and i love this girl to the extreme, i know the love will not be equal but i swear i love both of them and if i can,t find my second love my life will be desereted and of no purpose. Now that we decided to marry so someohow i have to make my first wife know bcs in Islam you have to ask you first wife to marry second. My first wife told me i will kill myself if you even think of it. My future wife say i will kill myself if you left me or if i didn,t find you.
Bear in mind that the mother of my future wife died long ago and now few days ago her father died and i could be the only person in her life. I don,t want to do anything un islamic but now i am stuck in such kind of situations that on one side is my love and on other side there are two lives, I know that Allah will punish me hard if there is a slight sctarct to one of them bcs of me. I also know that i am guilty in the first place but now it has already happened. Love just happens and i wish if we all could stop it happening. If it was just my love i would have sacrified it for the sake of Allah but now its a matter of life and death. Please brother and sisters do criticse me but also give me suggestion based on your Islamic understandings. What should do?
Jazaka Allah Khair
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Salaams,
Right now the only obligation you have is to the wife you are already married to. The feelings you have for this woman have clouded what your priorities should be and things have become more complicated, and the choices you have made have only made it worse.
First of all, you shouldn't have even been talking to other women on facebook while married. True, you can take another wife, but as you said yourself you need to clear it with your current wife first. That is something you should've done before you even went out looking for another wife, if that's even what you were doing when you met this other lady on facebook.
Because of your decision to do things out of order, you are dealing with your own sea of emotions, as well as that of two women. I realize your wife made threats of self harm if you wanted to take another wife, but so far the only one to act on it is this second lady.
Brother, this lady you met is not stable if she is cutting herself over what's going on. Her family was right to have her stop contact with you. I am telling you as a professional, no matter how much you are attracted to her or how she feels about you right now, if she is capable (and she has shown she is) of doing these things to herself when under stress, it is only going to cause trouble for you if you end up marrying her (EVEN if your wife agrees to it!) She has some imbalances and she needs to get help and healing for that before she should get involved with any man. You need to let her go, and realize that whatever she does as a reaction is not something you caused nor something you can fix. That choice is squarely on her own shoulders, and only between her and Allah. You are not a part of that equation.
The equation you are a part of however, is the marriage with your wife. You need to make her your priority and your only focus again. Now, if you really, really want a second wife, you need to talk to your first wife about it before taking any other steps in that direction. If she's not comfortable with it, then you will need to work out those issues with her if this is something that is truly that important to you. You may end up finding out that it's more a want than a need, and decide you can live with just one wife after all and be reasonably ok.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salaam'Alayk wr wb
i have a serious question from a person, which relates to the topic you may be able to help with since you are a woman and understand women more than anyman.
if a man has a perfect/believing wife who, who he is well pleased with and she is well pleased with him, and his wife goes out of her way to please her husband with the way she looks,talks,smells,cooks,cleans, behaves towards others way she worships Allaah etc etc and always cares about his children and teaches them everything about this deen, such as the Qur'aan, ahadiith, seerah, tawheed, 'arabi etc.
in short, if a muslim man has the perfect muslim wife and she just loves him toooo much to share him with other women, HOW SHOULD HE APPROACH HER TO TELL HER HE WATS TO MApossibly 2/3 other women.
because this is a real big problem.
the jealousy of women is a big obsticle from remarrying.
alot of muslim men want to get married to other good muslim women for many reason, but the biggest problem is the reaction of the firts wife.
so help me out here inshaallaah.
if a man wants to remarry but his wife is extremely jealous, then how should he break the news to her.
should the man change his charecter towards his wife first so she gets used to a different side of him or something.
please answer if you can.
Abu Az-Zubair, please log in and write your question as a separate post. My short answer to you would be that since you know you want a polygamous marriage, then at the time of your first marriage you should choose a wife who has no objection to polygamy, and maybe even write it in the contract.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
salaams brotther weal,
you said " then at the time of your first marriage you should choose a wife who has no objection to polygamy"
brotther, that is absolutely impossible.
no woman on this world is okey with her husband being with another woman, knowing he is sleeping with her,making her pregnant, touching/kissing/playing with her taking bath with another women etc etc.
every sound minded woman would almost vomit knowing her husband is doing this with another women.
if she loves him that is.
ummnaa Aaishah Siddeeqqah [ Allaah pleased with her and her father]
for instance, used to cry herself to sleep everynight the prophet[saw] was with his other wives.out of jealousy towards him [saw].
and she used to cry&feel saddened everytime the prophet[saw] married a new wife.
such as at the time he married umm Salamah, safiyyah, juwairiyyah, zainab, mariyyah came etc.
but she [ra] controlled her extreme jealousy, and this is the key.
so brother, no woman who loves her husband will not,not mind sharing him.
but some women are stronger than others.
some women can controll their jealousy.
so maybe i think a man who wants to remarry, should first teach his wife to controll her jealousy just like all other bad fealings, anger, envy, fear etc.
im still waiting for what that sister
Wow.You have given nice advice Amy.Please keep up all your good work.Allah bless you and all other Editors!
Brother,
Close your computer and leave it closed. Cherish the woman you married and give her all your love and devotion.
Salam
I just have one question for you .. you said you wife is nice & you had kids from her she is a complete woman & from reading you story she seems that is caring for you alot & trust you .. but you betrayed her this is the truth if you like it or not ..
I just have one Question for you How would you feel if you 1st wife come to you one day & says that I am in love with some one else? as simple as you said it & she tells you love just happens put your self in her position .. then
Men & Women in Islam for real muslims are equel & i don't understand some men why they get 2nd & 3rd wife in Quran it says you can only have a 2nd wife if your current wife is sick or she can't have a baby despite that she has to give you the permission .. just because a man feel like a 2nd wife they shouldn't marry either they wife die or some thing major is wrong then they can get married
Respect your current wife please & leave the other girl alone if she had respect for women she would of never done this & hurt another women
Sister Mina, salaam alaikum,
Firstly you are correct in bringing to the questioners attention the point about his wife doing to him what he has done to her. He was wrong to have 'cheated' on her , undoubtedly.
However, you need to be careful when speaking about the Shariah, halaal/haraam and its laws. You stated the Quran says you can only have 2nd wife if your wife is sick, etc ,etc.
No , that is not the case. The only condition the Quran puts for men who want to take multiple wives (that of maximum 4), is that they should treat them equally with regards to the time and wealth they offer.
A man does not need to have a sick or barren wife in order for him to be allowed to marry again. And he also does not need the first wife's permission - if men had to get that, then I think there wouldn't have been any point in the permissibility of polygamy as it would have never been allowed by the first wife, lol.
It is a right that has been given to men and simply having the desire to marry again is sufficient. Like it or not, thats just how it is sis and as much as we dont like it, we have to accept it because its what Allah has ordained. 🙂
Was salaam
"i will kill my self if you even think of that" judging by this statement made by ur 1st wive. . One can easily conclude that she is, selfish, not a good wife and does not follow the creed of islam. Why will she make such a statement just because u said u want a 2nd wife? My brother, Allah ve given u d option to marry up to 4 wives if u know u will maintain justice between them. . . If u know u can maintain justice btw them and u can take care of them, them go ahead an fulfil ur desire.. .. . . . .. . . . I have a girl i intent to marry, when i asked her 'will u like it if i should marry another wife after marrying u', she said she will be ok with that if i will give her her right and maintain justice btw them. She even said something to this effect 'why will i oppose something God Almighty has ordained?'. . . . This is what ur 1st wife suppose to say if she is a good and not jealouse wife. . .
AoA brother and sisters. Thanks Amy for the detailed opening reply. Thanks you all other borther and sisters that you took your precious time and critically analysed the matter. I have the impression that most of us have suggested me to forget about the second wife no matter what. Based on your answers i have already started working on it . Just pray for all of us three, i am sure Allah will help us.
Your brother
Sorry ''most of you''
Salam brother Amy
Your answer was tremendous to simplesense. I just want to make a comment to the brother, brother forgive me if my comment is offenssive but how can you ask ALLAH to helpyou when you are commiting a sin of betraye.
How can you do a such an imoral action behind your wife and children. Can you imagine that if one day your son will be 18 and find out that you had cheated on him and his mum, what would be your childs reaction and also your position towards him. What would be your answers to him. You mentionne ALLAH's name nad you commit evil. Does this make sence to you???
Simply i hate these websites. A person in trouble comes to you and you misguide him/her. Tell me who is Alim amongst you no one. tell me who understand the feelings and emotions amongstyou, you simply didn't love and hence you don't understand what lthe oves is. All you just criticised me to the worst and made me feel so guilty about my love. I didnt have any relationship with this sincere girl and we both wanted to marry which was halal in Islam. You made me so guilty and i told her i am backing off which i didn't wanted for a second bcs loved her so deeply and will do love her forever. I beg you people pleaseeeee don,t misguide the people if you don,t understand the knowldge of both love and Islam. Just want to tell you thanks for your suggestiosn my beloved has killed herself.
Wha...What??? Shes What? killed herself? Are you serious brother?
*shock*
Oh my God.
I pray that she is forgiven for her sin..what a horrible and trivial reason for someones to have ended their life over.
If you truly cared for her, then instead of continuing your 'feelings' for her whilst married to another lady, its best you just pray to Allah to forgive her for what she has done and move on in life. There is so much more in life than to kill yourself for love...And before you think i dont know about 'love'...Yes i do. If anything brother, this goes to show how scholars and even the ordinary saying is so true when they say love makes you blind.
It is too late to save her but I hope this will open your eyes brother, make you a better muslim and make you realise how far one can get deluded by shaitaan in the name of 'love'.
May Allah swt forgive her for her foolishness and have mercy upon her soul, Ameen.
Was salaam
Dear Brother,
I am so sorry for the news you have just informed us of here. This is a very drastic and terrible thing.
May Allah forgive her for taking this very foolish step and grant her Jannah.
I know you are hurting very much brother, but I will have to say that you knew your situation best and no body forced you to act upon our suggestions. Having said that, even if you did take the advice given here, this girl made a choice to take her life and it was not your's or anyone's choice. It is unfair to blame someone else for this. This girl clearly had some serious complex issues for being in this mental frame of mind to start with.
We do not claim to be alims or learned people, we have stated clearly the advice we give is just 'common sense friendly advice'. I do not want to start mentioning your mistakes etc in all of this as you are clearly hurting and paining, but Bro, do tawbah and ask Allah to forgive this girl. This is the best thing you can do for her. May Allah replace your pain with eemaan, sabr and wisdom, aameen.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Subhan'Allah may Allah (swt) never take are eman away, if true what a pointless waste of a life.