Concerns about my Muslim boyfriend’s relationship with his ex
I have been with a Muslim man for 3 years now I am however not a Muslim, we both have previous marriages and children the situation is very confusing
When I first met him we were just good friends I was going through a rocky period in my own marriage which soon after ended. He claimed to me that he was divorced with a child with his so called ex wife we remained friends for a while until a relationship began, a compile months of being in a relationship with him he tells me that his ex wife is pregnant it was a great shock to me as I believed he was divorced he still stated that he was divorced but it happened by mistake I forgave him and continued with the relationship it caused us a lot of problems but we worked through them the wife I must note lives else where but spends the weekend over at his mums house where he also lives for the children he says
So the baby came last year and I will never deny him the right he has as a father to his children he should be there for them and help in raising them but my issue is the amount of involvement he has with the so called ex wife I understand she doesn't live with him and he states that after that one mistake he has not had any sexual inter course with her since and has remained loyal to me
But he financially supports her I believe she doesn't move on with her life because he has told her if she does he will islamically have the right to take the children she is aware of mine and his relationship I have spoken to myself early on in the relationship she firstly stayed to me that the marriage had broken down and that they were just friends but after the baby was born I had a disagreement with her in which she made a point of saying 'you are just the girlfriend I am the wife he has only given me two talaaks when he gives me the third then I will no longer have a right in his life'
Now in my head I feel like I'm honestly being mugged off caught up in some mad drama, I love him dearly and I believe he also loves me why else would he have stuck this realtionship out for now 3 years and he talks of wanting to settle down and get married but I'm not ready for that just yet
My problem is not knowing what the truth is he says islamically he has to do everything for his ex wife it is his obligation
If your divorced the way I see it is why does she have to stay over in the house every weekend it's only natural for me as a woman to feel hurt and upset by the involvement with his ex wife but he always tells me it's just about the kids I have to make sure she's ok because she is the mother of my children
I do not for one second believe they have sexual relations as he is with me every night
What I'm trying to establish is, is she still his wife?????? She is from back home and I don't know maybe they are more accepting to their husbands having other females, I just really don't know any more it's actually driving me insane he says he loves me that he will never do wrong by me but I feel like I'm being played!!!
Yes he should financially support his children and yes he should spend time with them but islamically does she also have to be present?????
I know it must seem like a crazy situation to be in and I guess anyone with their head screwed on would have run from this kind of set up but I fell in love and I do love him for all the faults he has
I just need to know islamically what is his duty and right over his ex wife
He can't be all that religious if he has decided to be with me a non Muslim I think he just picks and chooses when to use the religon card to justify his wrong doings
Sorry for the long essay I'm just really confused right now and I'm looking for answers that I quiet possibly have already answered or already know.
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Yes you right.
Brother, I'm just going to delete your comments from now, because you don't listen.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
To be honest I'm surprised you've let him go on for this long. All he does is go on about how people are disobeying the commandments of God, not really offering decent advice and making out that he is the best Muslim on the planet.
Can you keep his comments please? His comments are enjoyable to read. I realize many times he hasn't read the post or his analysis is general and he thinks the root of the problem is not enough deen, which is technically true, but I think he tries to help. And if anything they are entertaining to read. I guess it's up to you how you want to run this site though. I like seeing his comments and your corrections to those are good too :). That way people don't get the wrong idea.
I only put him on mod status, and not for those reasons, but because I repeatedly ask him not to write in all caps.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Ok, thanks Wael :).
Assalam o alaykum,
I believe that guy is from subcontinent, first and foremost he is a liar. After he made hia so called ex wife pregnant she came back innhis nikah. its wrong fir. him to live seperate from her. Further, its so wrong of him. to have relationship with u. Why is he still with u? because of some vested interest which u dont know.
Islamically its sin upon u and him. Trust me he would find another woman if u walk away from. his life.
Your just a side girl you will never be a wife
Hello sister.
Your understanding is correct ... If they are divorced then they shouldnt be spending anytime together AT ALL. But if he is your boyfriend then obviously he shouldnt really be spending time with you either. He doesnt care about Religion and his actions cleary show that. The reason that BF and GF relations are forbidden is because the women has no rightd yet as a married women you would.
It really is a odd situation you find yourself in, he is clearly using religion as an excuse when it suits him yet he clearly is talking rubbish assuming you don't know Islam. Yet you seem to show more knowledge about Islam than him.
One piece of advice I give you is learn about the beauty of Islam and its qualities, this way not only are you learning about the Religion but maybe you can use the knowledge gained to question your boyfriend and bring him closer to Islam.
I know you say you love him but remember you have to care for yourself as others don't always have the best of intentions. He will probably never marry you nor will he probably respect you. Please don't be offended its just that there are many men out there who use and abuse women and then leave them to pick up the pieces while the bloke carrys on like life is all hunky dory.
Islam is beautiful but people give it a bad reputation, read about the rights of women in Islam and it will give you an indication of what Islam is truly about. Research it open heartedly my Sister and Allah will truly guide you.
I pray that Allah guides you to goodness and eases your pain.
Peace!
(Apologies if I have offended you in any way - That wasnt my intention at all)
hi sis
islamically if d wife is given two talaks they can reconcile so dat man went back to his wife long ago.dear run for ur dear life to avoid heartache in future it is so clear dat they r together.dont let your feelings blind you time is d best healler d guy is aplayer i aint judge him at all .
wish u d best in life
First of all, he isn't a good muslim!
Why?..
Well if Big IF he isn't married to her anymore he is still being a bad Muslim for having a haram(sinful) relationship with you Muslims don't have girlfriends or boyfriends this is haram (a sin) so even if he was to be divorced by having a relationship with you is still committing a sin!
And also IF he is ended divorced from her and had an affair with her and produced a baby this will also be haram as she wouldn't be he's wife!
Either way he isn't a good Muslim which means he isn't a great person and you deserve a good man by your side you, you didn't mention if you have kids from your previous relationship if you do think of them and the bad example this man is given them!
A good Muslim man won't make you a girlfriend he will make you a wife and won't have affairs with his ex, save your self from bigger headaches and move on, I know it's hard and you might love him deeply but you will regret it if you waste more time with this person!
He is playing you and playing to be a good Muslim when is only chooses what is more convenient for him!
Sis,
hate to break it to you, but he is trying to enjoy the best of both worlds. Becoming a sinner in the process.
Since you are in a relationship with a muslim man, why dont you take some time off from him and look into Islam?
you will see that what he is doing...not to you...but generally speaking to his Ex-wife and with his own life is absolutely forbidden. So basically...he dosent seem to be respecting Islam...and by default he dosent respect you or his Ex.
Im sure you already know this, but love makes us overlook our SO's shortcomings...so please be rational about this.
Sis, look into Islam...you will see the wisdom in there and you will know...what your BF is upto is no good for all 3 of you in this love triangle.
From what you've said, there was a period of time where the ex-wife was just his friend and then later on she said that she is his wife and she has been divorced twice from him.
From that I can come up with some conjecture that might fit your situation. He probably was divorced from her and things were probably not going well with her so they may have remarried. This would make life with the kids easier and the wife could then get some level of having a guy in her life. Otherwise, she'd be dropping off the kids and the kids would never see both parents together at the same time.
Then later, because he's primarily with you, things didn't work out with her and they divorced twice. It's pretty clear he's treating you like a priority. Now they are married for a third time. If he divorces her again then no remarriage with her until she finds another husband. But I would ask her again in person. I think he's just torn between his kids and abandoning her and wanting to be with you primarily.
As for her, she's probably married to him right now and grudgingly accepting the situation because there isn't anyone else that can marry her, or support her. That's probably why they divorced twice and remarried twice in the first place. Also, it's more a marriage of convenience for them and probably not a loving marriage. Life is easier for them being married and her having to deal with him having you vs them having to exchange kids and her being a single unsupported mom.
Also, you don't divorce someone twice like that and give them such a small amount of time if you really love them. I would say you're primary even though you're a girlfriend but she's making herself feel better by saying she's the wife and she knows he doesn't give her enough time. She's not happy and is probably doing this for the kids so one more divorce and she's out.
Now all this again is conjecture, I think you need to sit down with the wife and write down everything that happened. Then talk with your boyfriend and get a statement from him. Then have them both together and reconcile the statements. He obviously does want to be with you, as far as I can tell from your note cause I'm not in your life.
Please do the best for yourself, him, the ex-wife, and the kids. I don't know what that is and I'm not trying to suggest a solution but if possible try to do what's right for all. Good luck.