how to handle our breakup make things better religiously
Well, my boyfriend (yes I am so ashamed of this) of 8 months decided that he wasn't mature enough to pursue the relationship any further and decided to call time on us. Basically, I have been dumped because he wasn't prepared to commit to some sort of compromise in the troubles that we had already been having. We are both young, so I do understand his issue with lacking maturity and commitment (kind of). The only reason we were fighting is because I was a little bit unhappy about his friendship with other girls, and he chose not to do anything about this and took the easy way out by leaving me after all this time. Despite all his actions, everybody knows that he still has feelings for me and cares about me and my well-being.
However, now that it is over, I am regretting the physical aspect of out relationship. I am reminded that he was once mature enough to promise that he would not hurt/leave/betray me and therefore got some 'privileges' from my stupidity and gullibility (although they were fairly minor). I am regretting doing all this due to the obvious implications in my future life and on judgement day. At the time he was so promising, he talked about our future,marriage, children, and life. He said how he wouldn't do anything to hurt me after this and that he 'has my back'. Now he has decided that he doesn't see us lasting forever and that he is young and immature and is scared to hurt me again. I am gutted because when he WANTED something off me he was prepared to show maturity, and now when it comes to ACTUALLY being noble and mature he is choosing not to. It is not only that he is lacking the nobility to do the right thing, but also that he has lost ALL religious and moral duty-surely a truly Islamic man will understand that if he was 'noble' enough to manipulate and use a girl for 8 months, he would also be prepared to make an honest woman out of her too. He would be not only protecting me, but himself also.
He is, surprisingly, more religious than I am- keeping all fasts this year, praying jummah namaz, and attending taraweeh everyday. Despite all that he has done to me and how he has made me feel, I am still worried for him (and myself too) and how this will affect his soul and taint his obvious religious efforts and dedication. I was wondering what we could both do to improve our Islamic prospects as we are still in contact. I want us to be respecting of each other and I am sure that he will understand any issues that I may have.
I have already prayed numerous times begging for forgiveness and guidance, but I am un-sure about what else I can do to feel less guilty and ashamed. I was thinking about pursuing the relationship (if possible and obviously within limit) in the hope of leading to marriage (to try and make our sins a little bit more acceptable if we do ever become husband and wife), or to ask our respective parents for their advice and guidance.
If possible I would appreciate any Islamic teachings on what we should do now (of course if we had listened to all these teachings before we would never be in this situation), but what is the noble, Islamically correct action to take from here?
- Pursuing marriage?
- Opening up about this relationship to our parents, asking for their advice?
- Begging for mercy from Allah?
Of course I don't want to forget the last 8 months as though they never happened, but I know that no matter how hard I try I will still be reminded of our sins in this life and the next. I want to do all I can to repent of our sins and somehow improve them, no matter how difficult the options may be. I would appreciate any guidance on this matter, and I look forward to your swift and noble reply.
Many many thanks!
-msnrshd
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Assalamu'alaikum sister,
I would first like to tell you that the root of your problem is disobedience of Allah. Being physical with a guy is far, but even talking to him is wrong, something which is stopped by Hayaa'.
Sister, my advise would be to let this man go and move ahead in life. I see no good in taking things forward. Every human being sees trouble in life. Perhaps this is one in yours. Make use of this opportunity and turn to Allah in Repentance.
You gave three options for yourself to choose from. Begging for Allah's Mercy is something you MUST do, regardless of what becomes of you or your boyfriend. His Mercy is Amazing, but He Is also Just in Punishing.
In my opinion you must give yourself some time to let him move ahead and ask him not to contact you and you make efforts in this, too. And then get married to someone good in deen. And remember, salah, taraweeh, fridays, etc. do not make a perfect Muslim. What makes a perfect Muslim is his creed and his methodology: the creed and methodology of Sahaabah and Salaf. Because if he has this guidance, then all ibadah and a'maal automatically follow.
If you have a question, you may ask. May Allah Have Mercy on you.
Abu Abdul Bari
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalmualaikum sister,
I am a brother and I have experienced a break up as well about a year ago.I just want to let you know that you will only hurt yourself even more if you think about being with him or going back to him. It will hurt both of you spiritually,emotionally, and maybe even physically. In the relationship I was in, my iman was there but it was going downhill due to the zina that was being committed. Alhamdulilah, we didn't go that far in Zina and we stopped at a point because it was contradicting with our iman and our religion. I ask Allah for forgiveness everyday and to always increase my iman. It's good that you want to repent and you want to increase your iman. I just want to tell you that you shoudn't increase your iman not for this guy who is not your husband(maybe he will or maybe he wont be). Always strive to increase your iman for yourself and know the true meaning of Islam. Pray to Allah to make you stronger, give you a pious husband in the future who is rich in deen, and above all be a better Muslim for yourself. It will be hard to let him go because I do still think and care about my ex here and there. First is the acceptance and Allah(SWT) will guide you at each and every step. I pray that you become rich in your iman and all your dua's are answered which are good for you. 🙂
Dear Sister,
I have been through somewhat similar situation and i wasted years of my life just in hoping or putting efforts to get married to my man (i loved only one man in my life) but this didn't change anything. instead with course of time, i did things that i had never even imagined to do (physical aspect), i no longer remain the same i used to be. my burden of guilt and frustration was increased like anything and i found myself sinking in sea of sin and guilt. i was torn between my love for him and reality (how i was sinning in one way or other). i went in flow hoping that things will turn out good and one day we will be married but nothing happened. after 'wasting' years, i realized that i was a fool who kept false hopes and my efforts no matter how hard but were in vain, simply because i was doing immoral, against teaching of Islam and when you do thing against god then surely you have to suffer. things turned bad to worse but still i was so blinded in love that i still kept my hopes alive but one day, he just left me. i couldn't believe that i gave all my life to him and in this i became a person i had never thought but it took me no where. i went into depression and i felt like to die.
But then, i started realizing that actually Allah (swt) guided me and saved me. i was on wrong path. i was doing a sin. inspite of knowing that within (As you too feel) but i was so blinded in so called love that i was not able to free myself from him (my man). so Allah (swt) did for me. he made situation that we got parted, of course, it was painful but i realized my grave mistake and i also realized that you always cant get what you want, may be he was not a suitable guy for me, being in this relationship, i was merely becoming something else i was not and guilt and regret was slowly killing me.
based on my personal experience and in light of Islam,considering your circumstances, i would advice you to let go this guy and end your relationship with him by all means. from your post, it is very much clear that he is not serious for you, you have already wasted your biggest asset (your virginity) and a span of eight months in this sin. he is merely playing with your feeling. please open your eyes and do not get blinded in love. please know that love is just a part of life, its not life, our life is for Allah(swt). you should be thankful to allah (Swt) who turned things such way that the guy has shown his true colour to you, now its upto you to realise that and correct yourself and stop sinning further and repent to allah or just continue to sinning in the name of love but remember, allah (Swt) is watching you and one day you will have to die and be present before him.
do not open up this to your parents as when the guy is not good and is not serious for your. please open your eyes and see the bitter reality and save yourself from any further pain and frustration.
this is all i can say right now.
Your Sister
What happened to the guy you loved though? Where did he go? Was he bad or sincere please let others know the reality so they don't make the same mistake.
Assalamu Alaykum sister,
My intention is not to rub salt into your wounds, but I'm just going to be honest with you. You need to hear this so you hopefully will not commit the same mistake again. You have to understand that guys are raging with hormones from their teens to early twenties and they will say practically anything to get a girl to do what they want. You have to be smarter and not fall for the tricks and lies. Beware of mixing with non mahrams, please never ever spend time alone with any man who is not related to you. If a man is truly worth it he will do things the right way. He will tell your father that he is interested in marrying you.
If this guy was interested in marrying you he would have asked your father for your hand in marriage. But he hasn't has he? I don't want you to feel worse than you already do, but I just want you wake up to reality. Please do not degrade yourself more by continuing the relationship. Turn to Allah and sincerely repent for your sins. Cutting ties from him will allow you to have a fresh start. May Allah guide you ameen.
I just don't understand what happens to these muslim women that despite knowing the consequences they end ip doing everything. I am just trying to understand as to what goes through you girls' mind that you forget its haram. Like whats the thought process when this happens.
In the end, both Muslim men and women who fall into these relationships do haram and will surely be answerable for their actions--May Allah guide us all.
As for your question for what happens to Muslim women that they end up doing everything--probably the same thing that happens to Muslim men--they listen to the whispers of shaitaan.
Further to that, if you read carefully, many times Muslim women fall into the trap of a physical relationship with her bf to show her faithfulness to him, but fall terribly short on their faithfulness to Allah swt. Usually women are trying to show an act of sincerity by haram means, whereas the man in a haram relationship is using deception to achieve his haram goals and is very clear in his mind of what he wants, but never discloses his true intentions. The men who use women would never say "I only want to use you for physical pleasure for a short while and then leave you," but instead they make promises of love and commitment and unfortunately women fall for this when communication between non-mehrams begins. That is the way women are programmed--hence why the communication should never start--and then men who prey on this programming, laugh at the very way Allah made women.
You can clearly see that lacking on this website are the posts from those brothers who have played women's emotions and then regretted that--I don't know if those brothers are just not making that regret public, or if they truly never have the regret.
So, together, as brothers and sisters of this Muslim Ummah, we should bring awareness to this problem and warn our brothers and sisters to have respect for each other and not transgress the limits of Allah swt.
Salam sister Saba,
I strongly agree with you. Most of the times these guys do not regret it and just move on as if nothing happened! They even get married to a pius muslima who thinks they are the best men alive.
Sadly most of the times these men get away with murder whilst the women face being stigmatised by society and future prospect spouses.
Naturally when a women loves a man she gives her all, whether it be a boyfriend or a husband. That's where she goes wrong with the boyfriend part. Usually these men say "You don't love me unless you do this this and this", to manipulate the women.
Alhamdullilah I only ever loved one man. (My Husband) and gave him everything and did everything he asked but still he deceived me and hurt me. So the thoughts and feelings a women has are still the same whether in a boyfriend girlfriend relationship or marriage.
But women definitely need to wise up and not let love blind them. The need to think with their brain not their heart. They need to put Allah before any men.
I found a good saying:
"Give but don't allow yourself to be used.
Love but don't allow your heart to be abused.
Trust but don't be naive.
Listen to others but don't lose your own voice."
Yes, definitely, women/girls need to smarten up!
If we know of sisters who are in a relationship, we shouldn't condone it and immediately protect her by sharing this information. The fairytale stories with the hero who is going sweep us off our feet doesn't exist. The heroes are the ones that go straight to the father and ask for the hand of the girl they want to marry. Period.
And brothers should tell brothers to keep away from girls--and if they want a girl, just marry her. It really is that simple. shaitaan just tries to make it seem like it is more complicated.
I am beginning to think that we should be marrying our youth off much much sooner and they can plan their lives after marriage--what is the need of collecting all this baggage just for pain and sorrow?
Sister Sumaira I am sorry to hear about your husband. May Allah reward you in ways beyond your dreams both in this world and the next. Ameen.
To the OP:
The more you don't want to forget the last 8 months, the more you want to give those times sentimental value, the more importance you give to a man who is after all just a non-Mehram to you--ultimately, you give importance to others over Allah. Sister, take the advice on this page and take hold of yourself. Stop the communication--and if he isn't mature, that isn't your responsibility. Br. Abdul Abu Bari gave great advice. Sister, for us women, when we talk to men, we put ourselves out there and make ourselves vulnerable to believe all the "promises" that mean really nothing. If he really wants to marry you, he will approach your family and make this known and then NOT be in contact with you privately.
I pray Allah ease your pain--if you want peace in your heart, you have to do the right thing starting now and I am sure you can inshaAllah.
As-salam-alaikum my dear sister Sumaira,
you are so true. i wish that every girl should learn this by heart, so can save herself.
i loved your 'saying'. its summary of philosophy of life.
Jazakallahu Khairan.