I cheated on my husband but didn’t tell him until a year later
Assalam O Alaikum,
My name is mariam I live in New York. I was in a relationship with a boy at the age of 17 and it went along for about 3 years until we decided to get married without telling our parents because we know we were still too young to tell them and convince them to get us married to one another. It would not have worked.
We did our nikkah and were married after that now for about another year and a half. I know now that being in a relationship with him before nikkah was wrong and I should not have done that. But now I am deeply in love with him and I cannot see my life without him.
And also, the first 6 months of our relationship I had a problem of not being fully committed to him and I cheated by kissing 5 other guys during that time. I did not have sexual intercourse with any of them. Also, 2 years into the relationship I pretended to have a flirting relationship with two other guys for a few months with no physical contact as well as being friends with a guy who would give me kisses every now and then. I had a problem of getting the attention from guys and not thinking about the guy that I was with even though I loved him to death.
Islamically, I understand that all of this was wrong and I never told my husband before our nikkah until a year later of being married. He loves me so much and he is trying to make it work because of the relationship we have had now with each other for the past 4 years but it is becoming more difficult for him day by day knowing that this happened so long ago and I never told him until now.
I am trying to convince him that I am better and I realize my mistakes because I don't ever want to do this to him ever again. And I ask forgiveness from Allah SWT and repent for all of my past childish behavior. I realized how much love I have for this man and how much he has put up with this. I don't ever want to hurt him again. And I want to finally have a good Islamic marriage with him in the future.
I am doing everything possible to prove to him that I will not act in these behaviors again and that it was so long ago as I was a teenager at that time still growing into a women. I don't know what else to do and he keeps saying that he wants to start the talaaq process.
At the same time we talk, but our conversations are very dead. He has forgiven me but he doesn't know if he can live with it for the rest of his life and he is taken a little time to see if he can. Every few days he breaks down and says he can't do this anymore and its been happening for a few weeks now.
I am helpless and so sorry for what I have done to him and have grown to learn many things about what is right and wrong and want to be more directed towards my religion inshallah. He wants to try to live with it and try not to acknowledge in the future and make things work for me but he also says that he doesn't know if it will happen and he is going to give it a try.
It is difficult being with him as he does not love me the same and care like how he used. It kills inside everyday that my childish mistakes have messed up my future with the man that I am truly in love with.
What should I do? I don't want to give up on him. That is the last thing I want to do.
MariamK.
6 Responses »
Leave a Response
Entries(RSS)
MariamK, Walaykumsalaam,
You have made some terrible mistakes, the biggest one that you have made seem trivial is that you married in secret. Do you know what the Prophet(sws) said about this? He(sws) said: "When a woman marries without the permission of her wali, then her marriage is not valid, not valid, not valid." (Ahmad, Tirmidhi and others) Some scholars say a marriage without a wali is valid but is highly immoral, while others say that it is totally invalid.
You are in a situation where by you may actually be committing zina with a man under the pretence of marriage and I would suggest that both of you go to a qualified Imam immediately to seek advice and help. I do not understand how any good Imam would perform the nikah ceremony for any girl without trying to making contact with her father or guardian/wali. This is a very important matter that you and this boy must deal with.
***
If this boy is not willing to stay with you - it really is due to your own behaviour. You acknowledge that you had an attention seeking problem and that your bad flirtatious behaviour stopped over a year ago. At that point you needed to just make sincere tawbah and move on with your life - and not tell anyone your sins. What you have been doing, although your marriage may not be valid is that you have been betraying this boy/husband and then you have told him aswell - Allah tells us to conceal our sins, not reveal them. Betrayal is very difficult for anyone to deal with and you may find that it is too late. It seems this boy has lost the feeling he once had for you and it may be time for you to accept that and move on.
***
I will suggest the following:
- You and this boy must resolve to stop your relationship immediately, as it is most likely not halaal,
- You must both go and see a genuine Imam. He will probably ask you if you want to stay together, if you do he will either convince you to speak to your parents and set a nikah date as soon as possible, or he will want to speak to both of your parents for you.
- If this boy does not want to stay with you - this will be very difficult for you, but it is a grave consequence of the immaturity you have both diplayed in your actions. If this is the case, I will still advise you to see an Imam to establish the validity of your nikah. The Imam will help you take the necessary steps.
- Personally I believe your parents need to find out as it is clear that you need guidance and discipline in your life.
***
Sister - it is the 27th of Ramadan tonight and possibly Laylatul Qadr. Stay home and think about what has led you to the mess you have landed yourself in. Do immense tawbah and take responsibility for your situation. How can you expect good things to come from this relationship when it is void of blessing from the beginning? If you want good in your life, start by correcting yourself, acknowledging your sins/mistakes and turn back to Allah.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Honest advice, let the man decide and encourage him to decide. If he doesn't want you and let's face it he would only be human to not want any part of it anymore, then you must accept it and carry on with your life.
I feel sorry for him, really badly cause it's one of the most empty feelings in the world I would imagine, to know you've been betrayed, some people, once they've been betrayed, even if they do forgive, even if they do decide to stay with the cheater, they can never ever treat them in the same way.
I hope Allah gives him comfort during this time of great pain and agony.
@ John
I agree with you. Betraying is the worst feeling. Things will Never be the same. Betrayal is worst when it comes from your partner than a friend. When someone betrays you is like the put a fire in your heart that will never decrease.
"When someone betrays you is like the put a fire in your heart that will never decrease."
It will ...inshallah. With an abundance of taqwa and time, one can get over it.
please ask Allaah to forgive you sincerely and to guide you and your husband by teaching you the aayaat and hikmah with it.
ALSO, VERY VERY VERY IMPORTANT IS THIS, YOU SHOULD DO YOUR BEST MIGRATE FROM THE LAND WHICH YOU SINNED.
MOST IMPOTNANT PIECE OF ADVICE, DONT EVER EVER SHARE YOU SIN, EXPLICITELY TELL WHAT YOU DID IN THE PAST, EVEN IF IT BE ON THE INTERNET.
IT IS A MAJOR SIN TO DO THIS ITS-SELF.
the prophet[saww] said "the worste of people in the sight of Allaah are those whom when Allaah hides their sins by night, they expose it / disclose it"
I m sorry for u but
U fooled around knowing it wasnt right made a mistake , realise n now wanna make ur past mistake right
Well the good news is that u have realise ur mistake but the tough part over her is 2 make the other person realise that u hav changed n want to work out.
This is not easy n alone u will not be able 2 execute it ull need him 2 work out along with u
But it need time for both of u 2 heal
Let the best happen