Husband uses dating sites to meet other women
As-salaam alaikum,
I have been married for a long time....more than 10 years but I will not say how long. I am a revert, so find it difficult to get good islamic advice.
For the past few years my marriage has been difficult. I found that my husband is/was using dating sites, chat rooms etc to meet online/chat with other women. I have seen some conversations and they are completly inappropriate. Every time I have caught him, he has promised to stop. But it still has not. I soon catch him at it again. This has turned me into a person that I don't like as I constantly check on him when I can. I find it extremely difficult to forgive and trust him but I struggle and try to keep it together for the sake of our family. But at time's I feel I have had enough and can take no more. In fact, this latest time has taken me to the edge and I felt like I was going crazy....still do.
I know that he has met at least 1 but he assured me that nothing went on. I have no choice but to believe him on that, there is nothing else I can do. I put my trust in Allah as I know that he is the only one that will never fail me, but I still don't know what to do. Sometimes my imaan is so weak that I do not even feel like praying, but I force myself to, as this must be shaitan.
I don't know what I am asking really. Perhaps if anyone has advice on how I can help him? Can I make things better? Can we have a marriage if I do not trust him? Can I get the trust back? I don't want to give up on my marriage as I know that divorce is the most hated but allowed thing to do. If it comes to that I want to know that I have tried my best to keep us together. And anyway, would I have grounds for an islamic divorce?
JazakAllah.
- sunshine11
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As salamu alaykum Sister sunshine,
We have to look for solutions, my beloved sister, you are asking for guidance because you feel lost in your marriage, you feel you and your husband moves at two different speeds and the worst of all in two different directions and you need both of you working or at least, trying to row in the same direction to keep this marriage alive.
Let´s see, you cannot change your husband and you cannot stand the situation anymore after trying your best, you can try to see an Imaam, or a marriage counsellor, to work on your problems and see new ways of understanding and commitment, but if all of his falls in an broken sack, let it go, marriage is team work if one of the team doesn´t want to work for it, the other can carry with the weight for a while, but at the end this is a two commitment and to survive has to be two, one is not enough and it is not fare, either.
We give our trust blindly to the people we love, but once this trust is broken we become very suspicious about everything until we heal it (always with Allah(swt) help), if your husband keep talking to women this wound won´t ever heal and you are just fed up of trying to heal and for one thing or the other your wound is always bleeding, if you want to give it a last try, talk to him, tell him all the damage he has been causing you with his behaviour, ask him what he wants from you, what he expects from your marriage and be clear about your expectations and what you want from him and your marriage. Give it a last try, nothing to lose and a lot to win, talk from your Heart and let him talk from Heart, let him telling you what he is missing and don´t feel attacked, if you know what he and you want, both of you can make a plan to get it, insha´Allah.
You are married for a reason, try your best before giving up. . You will find inspirational readings on IslamicSunrays, have an active social life, go to your masjid, help the one in need, involve your husband in activities with you, go out with him, take the car in the morning and go somewhere, sit, eat a sandwich, play, have fun, enjoy nature, go back home full of positive energy and make him desire to be with you more than being with the computer, build up trust and confidence between both of you, little by little, he is your husband you are entitled to be with him in all senses, take advantage of that, instead of being on a corner crying choose to be pretty, busy, with a smile on the Heart, with a loving sight, with a soft touch in your hands, ......love him as nobody else can love him and love yourself first, and ask him for your rights, ask him for beautiful words and acts, teach him if he doesn´t know how to do it.
Increase your Iman. Not just the salat, you have on top of the page a link on dua and on Istikhara, learn about your deen, be the muslimah, the woman, the wife, you want to be, don´t let any barrier intefere in your proccess of growing up, obstacles, tests, we can stop for a bit on them, enough to learn the lesson, but we have to have always in mind that we have to be able to create and see the tools to move on, always with Allah(swt) help and guidance, Insha´Allah.
All my Unconditional Respect, Love and Support,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I Have no advice but I must comment your willingness to work things out even though it is not your fault. My story is similar the only difference is I was the one caught cheating. For some time I have had contact with a number of women even though most was not physically cheating. Since I got my new job I'm always busy and resulted to marijuana and alcohol to relieve stress. Even though at home I try to be a caring husband and father I have always felt this void since I stopped praying there by losing my moral compass. I want my wife to take me back but I also know I need the change as I have hit rock bottom. I want to be a good Muslim again and win back my wife for she is everything. How do I win her back at the same time deal with drug addiction, work and all that.
For the Lady my advice is to keep praying to God and all shall be well. I believe I've ruined my marriage because I lost my faith.
For many people, online dating is an addiction. My husband is a hard-core addict and he can't stop, no matter how much this is destroying the marriage. He has been doing it for so many years and he has to login almost everyday. Of course he lies and manipulates all of them into falling in love with him. I spoke to these women through the phone numbers I found, and they were completely shocked to find out he's still married. Sometimes he would date 2 or 3 at any one time. Dear ladies out there, please do your homework and try to find out more about the men you meet. if you meet a man online especially, try to google him. Always try to find out his home address and home phone number (cheaters tend to use cell phones only). You should be questioning why a man is unavailable during the evenings and weekends. You can check on facebook or other social media bits of info about him. You may request to speak to his parents if the "relationship" has been going on for months. If he says he is divorced (like my husband often would lie), ask and verify about the divorce trial and the divorce papers. Find out things. Don't just trust anything a man tells you. The internet is full of perverts, and you may never know that you are contributing in the wrecking of someone's marriage. Islamic dating sites do not mean the men are all behaving like true muslim men.
Thats all I have to say about this. I am going through a lot of pain and depression myself, and have tried posing a question here. There are days I can't even get out of bed dealing with the marriage. To answer your question about trust - I would say if someone has an addiction, how can you trust him to change? Most won't even admit they are addicted. We can't change anyone, especially if they are not interested to change. Only God has the ability to do that.
As salamu alaykum, Shaab,
Thank you very much for your approach, your post is being published now.
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Just one thing for sister Sunshine, even if it is already an addiction what your husband has, can be treated, there are specialists on treating all kind of addictions, if we have problems we should acknowledge them and focus on solutions, this way we open new ways of solving the problems. If we don´t do this, we may get stuck on the situation. We want to grow up, solve problems and move on, always with Allah(swt) help and guidance.
All my Unconditional Respect,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Dear sister,
There are so many conditions for a divorce.
pregnant anger witnesses arbitration before divorcing
We can not tell you , please go to a mufti.
People here do not know what happend from a to z.
w salaam
Sania, please don't just copy the same comment on everyone's post. Read the individual question and try to offer advice to that person if you can.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
sister, basically, what your husband is lacking in is what is called Al-Hayaa meaning modesty,shame,shyness.
Al-Hayaa is a sign of faith, and the rason why it has sooooo many virtues in islaam is beacause it stops a person from falling into that which is dispicable, repugnant,disgusting, it stops a person from doing that which is disgracefull, such as fornication, lewd/unchaste speech, swearing etc.
there are many many ahadiith which talk about the virtues of Al-Hayaa
1 is.
the prophet[saww] was more shy than a virgin under her veil, but when the boundries of Allaah were broken, he would do something about it.
observed by Abuu sa'eed Al-Khudrii[may Allaah be pleased with him].
others are
The Prophet (sas) said:
"Al-hayaa laa ha'tiy illa bikhairin"
"Modesty brings nothing but good." Muslim & Bukhari
"Al-hayaa shu'batun min al-iman"
"Modesty is one portion of belief." Muslim & Bukhari
and many manyothers.
so you want to know HOW you can help your husband attain this HAYAA which he is missing so he doesnt go talking or even looking at women who are not halaal for him.
simple.
help your husband learn about Allaah.
learn the beautifull names and lofty attributes of Allaah, help him learn about the power of this lord, and his knowledge and how humiliating Allaahs accounting is.
help eachothr to do this, and he will become more modest, and you will also become even more shy/modest and your relationship will get better, stronger inshaallaah.
I have faced this problem for the past 3 1/2 years. I married my husband 4 years ago and 6 months into the marriage I found out that he was addicted to online relationships and had even met some intimately in person. Whether or not they had actual intercourse I do not know, but I do know there was inappropriate sexual behavior. He too gets women to fall in love with him and when it finally comes to actually marrying them, he backs out. He has tall tales to tell about a "sick" wife and makes promises, as he did to me many times, and never keeps. I have forgiven him again and again and we have divorced twice until now and I am facing the third and final divorce now, as I have come to realize he will never change and his behavior is not only killing me, it is ruining my own Islam. I have lost all hope and faith in everything. He would never, ever agree to get help as he is an Islamic scholar himself! This is part of his appeal to the hundreds of women who have fallen at his feet, dying and begging to marry him, in the last ten years---he has been doing this that long! I am also a co-wife and the first one (who is of his same nationality) has all the rights while I have absolutely none. I am the secret wife. I have never spent an Eid with him, have to share or pay all my own expenses, depending on his circumstances, and he failed to marry me legally (we are married orfi only) nor did he get me the residency visa to live in his country. And I am not the first woman he married then divorced under these same circumstances. I have come to realize, to save my sanity and my Islam, that no matter how much I once loved him, and no matter how deeply depressed I am to admit to this failed marriage (for awhile only, ISA), I deserve a better life than this. I am worth more. I know I have been a good wife because he has told me that many many times. I let him want for nothing and treat him the way I wish to be treated. But he will not fear Allah, despite his Islamic knowledge, so it is time to leave. Dont waste 4 years in hell like I have. Once the trust is broken it can never be repaired, and living with constant doubt is living in HELL! Get out while you still can. And if you ever think to marry again, make sure you have a strong Wali, and most importantly, you have the man thoroughly checked out before you marry him, and have all his "promises" written into your marriage contract, and you dont agree to keep your marriage a secret from anyone--even if it's his other wife (es). May Allah help us and protect us from these sickos.
Salam alaikom sister,
I have been going through the same thing since I marrieds husband 5 1/2
Years ago. Since the first few weeks of marriage my husband was messaging his ex with inappropriate sexual comments. I found this out more than 3 times. Then, I was pregnant with my first child, and miserable because I got married to have a companion. I am also a revert of 8 years, and have no family members except my mother to support me. Getting married was seen as my last option as I was living with a hajje. Then after the birth of my first child I thought things were ok, but he continues to message his exs, he even spent considerable time overseas during my pregnancy and after my pregnancy. To the point he was leaving every 4-6 weeks to go to China (my brother in law lives there). My heart never wanted to believe that he had anyone else and I still don't know if he did. The last 3 years have been pretty much the same. I would find the numbers of various women on his phone and again sweet talking them. He accidentally left his phone home once and I found messages to a non Muslim women. I called her and it turned out he went to see her, Allah hi Alaam if anything happened, my husband told me nothing did. So I am going to believe that.
Then it stopped for a while. My husband blamed me for his finding new women, saying I didn't give him enough attention. I was pregnant with my son third son during this period, and the messages were found around 4 months after his birth. They had been talking for a while. It wasn't only her there were many.
Then a few weeks later I find a message on his yahoo account from a girl in China, saying I love you. I just exploded. Not only did I feel not wanted, I felt ugly and I hated myself. So many times this had happened. Even time I ask him to leave I break down because he is all I have, and I take him back taking his word he wouldn't do it again.
It was a while before I found out about the other girls. These were found by accident and I was much smarter this time. He dropped his phone and I found the app we chat open on his phone. Unopened it and told about 5-6 girls, and there were more, pretending I was my husband saying I am married and have three kids and that I don't need them. Then I handed the phone back to him and asked him to leave. This has happened so much I feel that I am stronger and feel that I am prepared for a divorce. I can't trust him at all.
But I think about my three kids who absolutely adore their father, and say its not worth the divorce. We bought a house and we are establishing a better life for out children. I know it is hard but I guess you have to put it in another perspective, how we'll does your husband know you, no other man will loll at you or think about you the same as you husband.
To keep him and make things better, keep positive and happy around him, always have his clothes done and food ready for him, show him affection, smell nice and be clean, dress nice to what you husband likes. Talk to him with nice words and not pick on his imperfections. A divorce is very hard on a women especially when she has kids. Try your best to forget about all he has done and believe that be can be better. Even if he makes the mistake again, because you love him and want him in your life you need to try to show him this.
I wish I can give better advice but this is what I do, until I find out he has started again, then I have a fit and want a divorce then realise it not worth it again. The cycle starts all over. Don't get e wrong my husband is good to me, he is the best. Only has a women problem that is hard for him to change.
Salaam
I have been married for 1 year exactly, Alhamdulillah we only knew one another for a few months just talking and wanted to do the nikkah, it’s not been easy, we are living in my house with mum and brother, I am so depressed because before we prayed every salah together without fail, then he stopped praying and is drinking a lot of beer, I have advised him to quit for the sake of Allah but he’s not listening, then yesterday a saw an email from go tinder telling him not to forget to confirm his email address, we met on tinder but he’s not deleted it or he has and is on tinder again, I don’t know if he’s got a new profile or it’s his old one, but I don’t want to ask him, I want him to do pray and get close to Allah but it’s so hard, it’s only been a year and he’s looking on tinder already so he much not love me and is not happy with me. Why did he marry me I don’t understand, my grandparents were very practising and my parents are not, that makes me so upset too, they don’t know anything and it makes me cry I can’t turn to them because how would they help me, I want to surround myself with religious practising good muslims and my parents never taught me my salah, my husband taught me how to pray, I don’t want to be a bad muslim I want to be a good muslim do all my prayers, I want to wear a hijab but my parents and family don’t bother with it, I really don’t know what to do please someone give me advise, my husband is not a bad muslim but he’s gone off the rails, I cry myself to sleep as he could be flirting and talking to other girls, I want him to quit drinking I feel so sick and such a bad muslim that my husband has to look for someone else afte 1 year of marriage, I don’t know he might of made mistake marrying me I don’t know, I just wish that I could be happy, when he taught me how to pray it was the best feeling in the world nealing down to Allah SWT I was so so happy, then he just started drinking I thought that good women are for good men and good men are for good women, I don’t know whether to question him about tinder or not why’s he still on there, I have put weight on after marriage too maybe that’s the reason he’s going on tinder but on his profile it’s an old picture of him and location says London where he used to live before. It could just be in my head I don’t know, may Allah guide us the right path together, before I married him I to Moses myself that I would never marry a muslim man who drinks and smokes, but in my destiny I found someone who does drink I feel disgusted
Why are you afraid to ask him why he is drinking and visiting dating sites? He needs to be confronted. This can’t keep going. If he is not warned then he will keep doing it knowing you don’t know his hidden secret life. Both of you are living with your mom and brother, is he happy living in a joint family system? Does he drink at home or you can smell him.