Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My father sexually abused me and ruined my life

Sexual abuse is a crime

Asalamu Aleykum brothers and sisters,

I have been really stressed out and depressed, and really need advice.

I am a 21 year old woman and was sexually abused by my dad for 12 years (since I was 6). I have told my mom several times, but it was a hard pill for her to swallow. She dealt with it by "taking care"of my younger sisters and brothers and she said to me, "You need to be a brave girl, ask Allah for help, have patience, don't tell no one about this and say no to your dad. I can't leave because I have these others kids that need a father, and I can't ruin their life just for you."

I tried to tell her that I tried different times to respectfully say no to my dad, but he threatened me, beat me for the most stupid stuff, and played a lot of mental games with me like sending me to my room (if I tried to say no to his touches and stuff). Then he would go play with my little brothers and sisters and talk with my mom, so while I would hear how much fun they were having without me, he would ignore me and talk to everybody else.

This all caused me to feel very alone, abandoned (by my mom) and stressed out. I developed sleeping problems when I was little and until now I can't sleep without Quran at night. If I don't do that I will have nightmares or I'll think all the time. I have issues trusting people, low self esteem, feel like I have to prove myself doubly hard, and I feel unable to love somebody else. I had a talk with my parents and they apologized for everything, but they also told me that I should never talk about it again and act like nothing happened.

In 2015 a far cousin came and asked for my hand, and my parents accepted it. They told me at first I had to just try and talk to him, and see if I like him. I did but we didn't click at all. I told them I was not ready to marry, and I certainly didn't feel like we fit in terms of personality, life aspirations etc. They said, "Sorry dear, the wedding is in July, we already told everybody, this guy is very good for you, he is a very well brought up guy and loves you alot, you have our blessing to only marry him. If you love us and respect our opinion, you have to do this one thing for us, we know what is best for you."

I walked around for months feeling like I was numb- no appetite, no emotions, no thoughts, no desire to wake up and start my day. I was scared to be disobedient, but I was also miserable...plus it was my first year of uni and everything was so overwhelming for me. The wedding happened in July and I tried to accept it. I used to wake up and try to convince myself that I could do it, I had to, it was written by Allah.

The first night was terrible, and I realized that I would never be able to have contact with a man, since I cringed at every touch. My father ruined everything for me, and I was really disgusted. I just faked it, since I could not and was not allowed to tell my husband what happened in my past (My mom insisted on it, she said that if that came out me, my father would be viewed a certain way by people).

After 1.5 years I collected the courage to tell him why I can't have intercourse with him and what happened in the past. I also told him several times in these 2 years that I don't love him, we are 2 different people, I am not attracted and I just want to be alone. Still, he doesn't want to divorce me. Since I got married I lost myself completely, I lost my dreams and ambitions. I am depressed even though I don't like to admit it and honestly I thought even about ending my life or running away (I have had suicidal thoughts since I was 11).

I am just desperate. If I tell my parents I want a divorce, they talk in a verbally aggressive manner("Oh you talk to somebody else, right?" "Oh your friends tell you that it is not cool to be married, right?" You will never find a better man who will treat you like he does", "Karma will bite you in the back", you will get a man who will treat you like dirt and will cheat on you") which causes me to be quiet and be scared that karma really hits me- what if love and happiness is not written for me?

I really try to make it work, but I really know deep down I don't see my life with him. I spent my whole life acting like there was nothing wrong, that I was the perfect daughter. That maybe if I stay nice and obedient and be the best at everything I did (I got between 80% and 95% on my report cards all throughout primary school and high school, and also Quran lessons), they would realize that they were doing me injustice and they would see that I am suffering and they would stop. Now i want to stop ACTING and really BE happy, and get back my lost time. Not let my past define my future.

The bond with my parents is rocky. I wanted to rebuild the love, trust, etc. but I find it hard because they work, have these other kids and can't make much time for me. I even hate the fact that at this age I still long for love and affection from my parents. Every time I look in the mirror at night, the only thing I see is a young, broken girl. I have times where I get really angry at my parents on how well they treat my younger brothers and sisters. They give them love without asking anything in return. And I can't help but feel jealous- why didn't they love me without me having to pay such a big price?

Please give me advice, what would be the right thing to do about my husband and my parents? Should I just leave? Should I consult an imam and tell him everything? What should I do, because I'm very hurt and I feel very lonely. Thanks in advance.

-Sister that wants to be happy


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8 Responses »

  1. Salam sister,

    I am so sorry about what you went through with your father. He will answer of his horrible behavior. ALLAH sees all, and I am more worried about you and your state of mind right now. I urge you to see a counselor,because there is too much to process for you. Sexual abuse leaves true stigma and you need help in order to heal. Psychological wounds are just like physical wounds. No one would think about leaving a gaping, bloody wound unattended. The same goes with emotional/psychological wounds. Getting help from counselors has helped me tremendously in life. I urge you sister, make it a priority to see one. It will help you have clarity, value your self, and achieve peace after what you went through. Once you do that, you will see clearly what to do regarding your marriage. May ALLAH SWT make all easy for you.

  2. My sister Salam ...I'm so sorry 4 you ..I wish I could take you away from this...Your Dad is mostly likely possessed or mentally I'll.Your mom should be ashamed her little girl .....how why ? There are somany people in these times that have similar problems....My advice is if you have an education it would be an asset...move out and start your life...parents are to be respected but if there evil like this then it's best you live on your own because realistically he would be in prison. I know it's hard but make a stand you got your whole life infront of you....There are some important that you should know as a sunni muslim you must keep Allah in your heart...Everything in this world is a test and that test will be till you breath your last..Successful is the one who obeys Allah commandments shown by the example of Muhammad s.a.w..this is the real success...those who follow there own desires they are cursed...it is simple as that!!! If this man truly loves you and respects and is a true believer And pray 5 times a day then you are luckiest girl. One more thing keep all secrets to your self and forgive and forget ...read Quran for peace and Barakah...there is no other way...Inshallah in paradise you wont regret anything. BE CONFIDENT AND STRONG

  3. As Salaamu Alaikum, dear sister
    You are in our du'as and prayers. May Allah protect you and your siblings because it will not end with you, if your father doesn't stop and there's no repentance.May Allah guide you and strengthen you to help you through this. Another young lady went through something similar, she asked tge scholars for help. Here is their reply
    Praise be to Allaah.
    To Allaah we belong and unto Him is our return. This, by Allaah, is something that would make one weep. Have things become so bad that the fitrah has been turned upside down and a father feels such things towards his daughter?

    There is no doubt that this father is mentally ill and sexually deviant, and he needs urgent and intense treatment for his heart and mind, both psychological and physical treatment.

    For yourself, you need to take measures to make it difficult for your father to find any opportunity or time to seduce you or interfere with you. Do not be alone with him in the house, and lock the door when you are in your room. Do not let him enter upon you on his own. All of these measures will reduce the opportunities for interfering. But in order to stop this problem altogether, that can only be done by getting treatment for your father, or telling everyone about the problem. You have to realize that you need to be prepared for the effects that disclosing the situation will have on you and on the whole family, but this is better than things staying as they are now.

    Your mother has to fear Allaah; her not caring about what her husband is doing is something for which she will be called to account and she will be regarded as a partner in his crime, because she could do something to stop him doing this evil deed.

    You can seek the help of one of your wise relatives to intervene in this matter and stop the deviation of this sick father.

    Undoubtedly these sick actions on the part of some fathers have their causes, and no one can deal with a problem without knowing its causes and how to treat it. Some of these causes have to do with the father, some with the daughter herself and some with the time and place in which the family lives.

    The causes of this deviation that have to do with the father include the following:

    1-Weak faith, lack of fear of Allaah and a failure to realize that He is watching.

    2-Addiction to alcohol or drugs.

    3-Mental or psychological illness.

    4-Watching provocative shows on satellite channels, or looking at permissive pictures

    5-Too much free time

    The causes that may have to do with the daughter include:

    1-Careless in the manner of dress. Many girls wear tight and short clothes in front of their fathers and brothers, which goes against sharee’ah and may provoke evil desires in sick souls that have been stirred up by satellite channels and permissive pictures.

    2-Carelessness in some actions, such as kissing on the mouth or provocative touching, or sleeping in the same bed or under the same cover as her father or brother. These actions are also contrary to sharee’ah and provoke evil.

    If we want to deal with such deeds that go against the fitrah (sound human nature) and Islam then we must put a stop to these causes that lead to such decadence. This may be done in the following ways:

    1-Striving to spread virtue and good morals among the family members, and to strengthen their faith in Allaah, their awareness that He is watching and their fear of Him. This may be achieved by observing prayer regularly and on time, and keeping away from forbidden things and bad attitudes.

    2-Totally avoiding looking at, listening to or reading provocative programs and stories.

    3-Keeping away from bad company who only lead one to evil and bad things.

    4-Keeping girls away from clothes that go against Islam, such as tight, short and see-through clothes; avoiding provocative touching and kissing on the mouth.

    5-Seeking spacious living quarters where a girl will not need to be with her father or brothers in the same room or under the same blanket.

    6-The mother should play her role in tackling such problems, by not being heedless or careless about anything she sees or hears that goes against sharee’ah, and she should not wait until things get really bad or cannot be set right. Rather she has to be aware from the outset, and not allow her daughter to be careless or allow her husband to do whatever he wants.

    7-Wise relatives should be informed of such actions so that matters may be dealt with. If that does not work, then you have to make a complaint to the sharee’ah court or to the security services in order to stop his evil actions towards you.

    8-Our sister who has asked this question needs to take the matter seriously and not delay taking action. We advise her to make du’aa’ and seek out the times when du’aa’s are answered, such as the last third of the night, asking that your father be guided and that his evil be withheld from you.

    9-It is haraam for you to take your father’s actions lightly. You have to ward him off with all the strength you have, and raise your voice in shouting for help, even if that leads to his being shamed or imprisoned.

    10-If none of these solutions work, then we do not advise you to stay in the house. We advise you go and live with some righteous sisters or with your relatives where you can live with them in accordance with Islamic rulings.

    We ask Allaah to relieve your distress and to guide your father and withhold his evil from you.

    And Allaah is the Source of strength.

    • Your advices are inconsistent and questionable. You have lost credibility with your good advices once you make any girl or woman responsible for a deviant sexual pervert for assaulting her. Any man who sexually assaults his own daughter should in the least be removed from the home and locked up in prison, if not executed. The person asking for advice stated clearly her abuse started when she was six.

  4. First of all your evil father needs to be in prison and serving the sentence . You dont have to bother about father now as he has proved that he is sick devil and satan .Even worst than animals .

    Your mother needs to be shamed of not speaking against it .

    As per some islamic scholars if father touches daughter with lust his nikah with wife(daughter's mother) is broken so your father and mother's nikah might have got broken . Read below

    http://daruliftabirmingham.co.uk/touching-daughter-with-lust/

  5. OP:I am a 21 year old woman and was sexually abused by my dad for 12 years (since I was 6)........... The first night was terrible, and I realized that I would never be able to have contact with a man, since I cringed at every touch. My father ruined everything for me, and I was really disgusted. I just faked it, since I could not and was not allowed to tell my husband what happened in my past (My mom insisted on it, she said that if that came out me, my father would be viewed a certain way by people)..........After 1.5 years I collected the courage to tell him why I can't have intercourse with him and what happened in the past. I also told him several times in these 2 years that I don't love him, we are 2 different people, I am not attracted and I just want to be alone.

    Your father abused for 12 years (i guess from 6 to 18). Is he still abusing you?
    Second issue is you don't love your husband and want to leave him. You said "I just faked it" and "I can't have intercourse with him. Do you think your disliking your husband has anything to do with sexual abuse by father?
    Do you want your father to go to Jail for sexually abusing you?

  6. Assalamu alaikum sister. I am really sorry you had to go through such a horrible, traumatic childhood. However, I'd like to ask as it was unclear from your post ..how does your husband treat you? How did he react after learning about your traumatic childhood? Is he good and kind to you and does he show love to you? Did he show understanding and compassion after learning your story? I think the answer to your questions lies within his behaviour towards you. What kind of wife does he want you to be and what future do you want for yourself? Are these two things totally exclusive of each other? Is there a chance that you might develop an understanding between each other, given some time and better communication with each other? You need to ask yourself these questions with regards to your future with your husband.

    As far as your parents are concerned, how your father and even your mother acted was truly unforgivable. And the way you feel is totally understandable. I think the best thing would be to maintain a civil relationship with them as much as possible, but from now on, do not let them manipulate or blackmail you in any decision of your life. You are an adult woman now, ( and a mature and educated one, judging from your post) take charge of your life. Ask Allah alone to guide you in the best possible way, do istekhara before every decision..Insha Allah Allah will open new doors for you, from where you never even thought possible.

  7. Dear Sister: If you have a trusted friend or family member, consider confiding with them and asking if you can live with them. If your husband is not prepared to help you resolve some of your problems, thank him for his consideration and patience AND then move on. You told him before your wedding you did not want to marry. What did he expect? That somehow you would change your mind. He signed up for being your husband and should take some responsibility for practically forcing you to marry him.

    Regarding making prayers and dua, which is important -- if someone is physically ill, has been in an accident or their house is on fire, they do not pray, they get help and go into action to remove themselves from danger. This applies to your situation.

    Do some research for your situation. Find out if in your location if there are programs or facilities for women who have been subject to abuse. Find out if there are religious organizations that might help you. Research for mental health counselors who are trained to help sexually abused women. If you are fortunate to find such help, be clear and precise of what has happened to you. Don't wait session after session withholding important details, which is what many people do. You are a young woman, with strength you do not know you have. Be prepared for some people to not believe you. Be prepared for ignorant people like one of the people here offering ridiculous advice to try to explain the abuse to you. There is no such thing. It is your job to take care of yourself. It is not your job to defend a sexual pervert. And sadly, there is a good chance your sisters, if you have any, were also abused.

    Sister, there is nothing wrong with you. Insha Allah, one day you might meet a nice man you are attracted to. Someone YOU want and desire. Right now you need mental and legal counseling to heal from your abuse. That should be your focus. In the meantime, stay far away from your family. They are evil and weak people who are not interested in your happiness, but rather maintaining a very false image that your father is a good man and that your mother is somehow a good wife and mother. Do not depend on them to do anything for you but to continue harming you.

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