Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I married the wrong man. What should I do?

Muslim woman in hijab

Assalamunalaikum brothers and sisters,

My story about my marriage is a long one and I hope that I dont take up too much of your times; but I am in desperate need and would appreciate any words of advice that you may have.

I live in America. My mother died when I was 16. I went back to my country to be surrounded by my family. I had a cousin (J) who I knew and his family knew that he loved me and wanted to be with me. I did not know this but I had feelings for him too but because he was my cousin I forced myself not to think of him this way. Non of my families would take responsibility for me and stand up for me when people were starting to talk bad about me. I was invited to a distant family friends house and their son (S) and I started talking.

I kept going back to my country and back to America for 3 years. Once back in America, I tried to live my life... working and going to school. I still kept in touch with (S) and I didnt date any one else at all and neither did (S) from as far as he was telling me. I stayed in America for 4 years until I heard the news that (J) was engaged. It felt like someone stabbed my in the stomach. I called him to tell him congratulations and he told me that he found someone and maybe one day I will find someone too.

I spoke to (S) about marriage and he wanted to marry me. My father did not approve at all because he didnt like his family. (S) didnt have a job, he didnt have an education. He didnt come from a good family. I didnt see it that way. I saw it as my last hope for marriage and a way to get back at (J). I fought with my dad and every one else in my entire family who said that I marry (S), until they finally said ok. I went back to my country and 2 weeks after (J) had his wedding, I had my engagement.

During my engagement and my wedding, a lot of things were going wrong. SO MANY people fighting, things were getting broken, people were crying, someone in my family even died! I still married him anyways. In my heart, I know that all of those things were signs that I shouldn't enter into this married.

Once we were married, I found out things about my husband that I didn't know for 6 years that we were talking. I found out he is very lazy. I found out he is very jealous. I found out that he looks at everyone in a very negative way. He has a lot of hate in his heart. He is a very selfish man. We started fighting all the time. 2 weeks after our marriage, we went to the Imam who married us and asked for divorce. The Imam said no and that we need to work on our new marriage. We tried but the fighting kept getting worst and worst. To the point where he started to lay his hands on me... Not to the point of scars and burns but close enough because the words will always burn in my heart.

I still tried to work on my marriage because after all, I had noone to blame but myself for forcing this marriage.

I went back to America and worked on his papers to bring him over. He did nothing to help with the papers. He didnt work, he didnt try to learn english, he didnt even pay for things to be translated or anything. I did everything. I worked 15 hours a day. I filled out and filed all of our papers by myself with no help from immigration or anyone!! I finally got the papers done and he was accepted after 3 years. I went back and forth from US to my country... using my own money, buying gifts for his family every time. When he was accepted, I went back home and took him to get his Visa and paid for his flight and hotel and everything again using my own money. When we went back to my country together, I sold the gold that his family bought my to pay for his flight and a few other stuff for him to come to US. I didnt mind that much because I was doing it for my husband and not for a stranger.

When he came to the US, he embarrassed himself and me infront of everyone I know. Everyone hated him. He was disrespectful, he was selfish, he was looking down on everyone. He didnt know how to be social or how to act infront of people. He kept looking at other women and tried to even buy a prostitute but I caught him. We lived with my dad for 2 months until I forced him to get a job. He got a job and he was complaining every single day about his job and how he is tired and everything. He was not romantic. He did not EVER buy me flowers. Slowly, every single last bit of love that I felt for him left.

I found out that (J)'s wife was having a baby and his baby was born on my birthday. I dream about (J) all the time. He is always sad when I see him in my dreams.

(S) and I are still together but there is no love in our lives. I feel like we are room mates. We dont fight so much anymore because to be honest, I dont care enough to fight. I feel stuck in this marriage. We dont eat together. We dont watch the same things together. He is on his phone and I am on my laptop watching our own shows. We dont even sleep in the same bed together.

I recently found out that (J) was very upset when he found out his wife was pregnant. I dont think he is happy either. But now it is completely hopeless. He is in a loveless marriage with a kid and I am in a loveless marriage as well. I will never have kids with (S) because I dont think that a child will fix our problems. There is no reason to bring a poor child into an unhappy world. (J) and I are only 29 and 30 and our lives are already over because we made a mistake. I dont even know how he feels to be honest because I havent spoken to him for over 5 years now, since we have both gotten married.

Wallah I dont know what to do. I am so lost and soooo depressed.

LY1234

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19 Responses »

  1. A.O.A

    Im sorry to hear your story.Its really sad,you were so young to take decision of your marriage yourself,It seems like you did alot to save your marriage but all in vain,He also tried to cheat on you by buying a prostitue,and Im glad that you did not done anything sinful like aproaching (J) after marriage.

    After seen your situation,I advice you to take divorce as he is not willing to fulfil your needs and cheated you and disrespects you,its not too late It won't be much difficult for you coz you dont have any children or don't love each other.So stop wasting your time,take divorce and move on!!

    Regards,

    • Salamunalaykum,

      My problem is much more difficult than getting a divorce. S is here in America now and I have asked for divorce many many times but he will not leave to go back to our country. He feels as if he is going back as a failure. And many people might say "so what, thats not your problem" Yes, that is not my problem but how do I get rid of someone who is refusing to leave!?! I will not call the police on him or throw him on the streets... he has nobody here but me. We are not Americans, we are muslims and we have compassion. We cannot just throw someone on the streets, it is just wrong. So basically I am stuck in this marriage for the rest of my life... unless he decides to finally get up and go back himself. Which inshallah he will do because I really am starting to hate him. Wallah he treats me like dirt and I dont deserve that. I make double what he makes and work double as long as he does and I am thinking about getting a second job just so I can make a future for myself but all he is making enough money to pay for half of his own stuff (rent, bills, etc). Not even enough left over to buy himself some clothes or something - forget about buying me stuff. Wallah I wish the worst for his family who raised him to be such a burden on society. A 30 year old man acting like a 5 year old, having tantrums and stomping his feet wahiat Allah I am so ashamed to call him my husband - more than that I am so ashamed of myself for marrying such a man.

      I think about J all the time. I think about how our lives could have been so different. I dream about how happy we would have been, how close to Allah we would have been. And I know J is unhappy and thinks about me all the time too. He told one of our cousins that he will always love me until the day he dies. He told her that he thinks about me all the time and that he knows how big of a mistake he made by letting me go and not fighting for me. We both havent seen eachother and havent spoken for 5 years. When we did speak to eachother, it was about his engagement. And subhanallah his daugthers birthday is on my birthday. Wallah I think the only thing that is keeping me sane is the thought that maybe one day we will be together inshallah. But for now, I will never in my life talk to him while I am married and he is married.

      • Assalamu Alaikum,

        Sister, i do not think tolerating rude behaviour/ abuse comes under compassion. I understand that he does not want to be left all alone in a strange country but as you describe none of you is interested in this marriage. There is surely some way he can move out and share his bills and rent with some other roommate. If his marriage is not working, he can work on himself and make something out of himself if he does not want to be labelled a failure. You have to think something out, make a deal. If you let it be this way who knows how long he is going to take to stand on his feet. Everybody likes to think about themselves, even if he leaves ten years down the line, he can still get married again and raise a family. It is a possibility for him. What will you do then? Sit and count your losses and live in your fantasy world?
        Escapism is a good outlet. Once in a while it is good therapy for all. But, living in a make believe world for the rest of your life is not possible. You will tire out. With age will come experience and cynicism and you will be left thinking how much more you could have got out of this life.
        As for J, he made his choices. He has a child. Whether he is happy or unhappy, still thinks of you, made a mistake etc is no longer your concern. Infact, it is quite absurd to think he was unhappy at his wife having a child. How naive can you get sister? If he was as unhappy as you think he is, what is his child for him? An accident? He did not come and tell you that he is unhappy, did he? It is all hearsay. He can love you all he wants in his heart and still have children with his wife, fulfil his responsibilities to them, love his kids and make a tombstone of your love and probably just garland it with flowers, that too imaginary!
        Get a life sister! You are alive. Allah has blessed you with a life and you can still make something out of it. You can have your share of happiness, your spouse, your own children, your own house, only if you will think it is possible and decide to do something about your status quo. Allah helps those who want to help themselves, change themselves.
        Being negative about your spouse, his family, his upbringing does you no good other than make you bitter. Not all risks we take in life turn out successes. Everybody experiences failure.
        Failure does not mean end of life. Until life ends, there is always hope.

        • If someone does not care than it means they DO NOT Care. Failing is different than not trying. It is good to get out now than in 10 years when you won't have plenty of options.

  2. Salams LY1234

    I'm sooo sorry you are going through this..Its ashame honestly your husband sounds extremely immature and irresponsible..He is not behaving like a Muslim..I think you guys should go again back to the imam who married you both and get immediate counsel and especially to your husband..

    First off this (J) leave him alone don't contact him..he is married, and soo are you..Alhumdallah you are not and inshallah May Allah reward you for not...You really have no idea if that's the truth or not that he was unhappy about the birth of his child..it could have been rumors or someone trying to cause fitnah..I can guarantee you once he sees that baby he wall fall in love inshallah..his bond with his wife will be stronger because of that baby..

    I personally would first get counsel from both Islamic sides or that Imam who married you guys..give it six months if nothing changes part ways and divorce..

    • Dear taqwah I respect your advice but i dont think that they even need 6 months as they spent years together,I think nothing is going to happen in these next 6 month but wastage of time..

  3. Aoa respected madam
    I look into the you whole senerio that you done every thing for him to his bright full life and future bending your all reseources event spent your money for him and his family.I thing that he is worse unlocky man. The nice lady like you I never seen on the universe which was stand for him day and night.even he has not a single of word"thanks" for you. Honestly he is thankless person and not able of deserved of you. Now you cannot reverse back the clock. You need to run with double pace and never look at back.Forget your past and look for your new dreams who carry on your shoulder, give you good respect like you deserved for.I respect you more than you deserved am here if you want to see happy dream you most welcome.Pls writer with deal free at danyore01 at gmail dot come.have pleasant life in future.take care and stay blessed

  4. Totally ignorant.. If your marriage doesn't work it doesn't mean Js marriage isnt working just because u got some. gibberish dream which u fantasize about J.

    Look at your own faults as well. Certainly ur husband is wrong you both need to sit and talk. I am sure you haven't discussed with him at length as you are doing here.

    Stop seeking solutions online. Seek solutions in Qur’an and sunnah. How many times have u woke up for tahajjud.. ? So u know the answer.

    Assalam o alykum warahalmatullah wabarakatuhu

    • Saying that J's marriage is not working is not coming from ignorance. I do know that he is not happy because many people tell me. Someone that we both know told me that he confided in her and told her that he will always love me until he dies. It is not a gibberish dream. If you dont have any advice for my situation then please do not waste my time and your time as well.

      Assalamu alaykum

  5. Brother Nawabzada dont mock and judge this sister. If cant help her or give her a better advice then plz dont judge and disrespect her either. U know nothing about her. Whether she prays or dosnt pray. How much is her fault and how much is her husaband's fault. She reads quran or doesnt read.? U know NOTHING apart from wht she has written here. So u have no right to disrepect her by writing such a rude comment.

    She has all rights to ask others for help n advise either online or in person. U cant just solve all ur problams by reading quran or praying tahjud. Yes if she reads quran prays tahjud and make dua to allah sure he will help her, give her rewards and ease her problams. but this dosnt mean she can not ask other people for help.. or cant ask anyone wht she shold do.

    @OP, sister i have a simple and true salotion for u. Just divorce him and get ride of that cowrad from ur life. He wont change. Its better to divorce him and may be after a while search for a suitable partner for urself. In future plz dont make any dicesition in harry or the way u dicided to marry ur hasbund.

    Lastly as u mentioned dont have children with him. That will only ruint that child's life.

    God bless u and grand u a happy life from now on.

  6. And I am completely agree with broken heart about Nawabzada's rude comment

  7. Salam Alaikum please remember the Islamic guidelines of giving advice you guys..

    The only reason why I suggested 6 months, is because people don't change over night..Allah swt talks about Sabr (patience) in the Quran..Inshallah sister should pray, put this problem in Allahs hands, sister should clear her heart and brain of this (J) man..and inshallah Allah will pan things out..

    ***Remember this life is not Jannah

  8. Shez been with him for years. She been patient for such a long time. And im sure she mght have prayed alot for his gidence but he not bothering to change n dont know how to respact his wife. Shes stil thinking about J bcaz shes not getting the love n care from her husband. Shez not being respacted nor her hard work is being valued. Then obviously she will miss n think bout J. She is also a human being not a stone!!! If she stays like this god forbidden one day she might contact J and tell him wht shes going thoruugh..and then one thing will lead to anther and at end become a big sin.. She deserve to be loved n respacted.. honitly sister if i were u i wondt stay with that coward even one more DAY!!

    Dont west ur time with this man just divorce him and free urself from this turture. He is not the only man in this dunya. File for khula end this horrible story. U dont need anymore advice or time to think. 6 months or 6 years wont do anything. Just leave him.

  9. If you want any relationship working, communication and listening/understanding each other view point is the key. In your case, put forgetting about past flame as a prerequest to communication and listening.

    Try to communicate without arguing even on things where you stand correct, try to spend some quality time with your husband on a regular bases and spice-up the private life. If you and your husband are part or regular to mosque near you, ask if they have any marriage counseling services, if they offer any such services, engage them. With all fairness give it a shot before call the relationship off. Calling off is easy, but that is not guaranteed to a better life.

  10. Leave this jerk!!

  11. Hello Sister. I understand your frustration with your husband not doing as much as you would like him to, but marriage is hard work. Both of you must have the same goal and be willing to work together and stick together. It sounds like you haven't given him a fair chance. You appear to be very bitter from the beginning because your heart is set on J. J has made his choice. You should have never married as means of settling a score with J. I know you're hurting, but sometimes the best person to change is ourselves. Try to be positive. Sometimes the way people react to us is based on how we approach them. No relationship is perfect. While I understand your desperation, listening to negative comments and people advising divorce only adds to the problem. Try talking to your husband wh n you have a problem. The less you involve other people into your marriage the better. You took vows with EACHOTHER. Good luck and don't forget to talk to GOD.

  12. Salamw alaykum sister, I am really sorry to hear that. May Allah help you and make it easy for both of you. You know what really drove me here? I typed I married wrong man because I feel the slightest love towards him. But the truth is I thought I had it hard but clearly you're worse. I married a guy who I didn't talk to or even know, rather my brothers and father knew. They thought he was the "ideal" one and due to putting down so many proposals I was under a lot of pressure. I am sure you know that just by meeting a person for the first time you won't know what kind of person they are so I judged them by their looks He had such dreamy hazel eyes and of course he didn't say anything negative about himself apart from the fact that he isn't the rich time with a diploma. I was looking for that. I just wanted a religious husband who can have influence on my deen. Now I am a student, first year paediatrician and we got a beautiful daughter (she's one, I am 22 and he is 32) we been married for 2 years but everyday I regret. Simply because everyday we have an argue till this day and we just don't do it in front of our daughter. Everyday he tells me he regrets getting married. The worst is he is a football addict. My life is really not going how I planned. He isn't a horrible guy it's just we are VERY VERY different. I feel trapped and wish for my single life. I feel like a burden on him and he doesn't compliment me unless I say something or get upset, honestly my self esteem has gone so down I have lost hope in many aspects. But you're in an advantage, you don't have a child, you can move on as it clearly isn't meant to be. True love shouldn't make you feel locked up and depressed. ( I never knew how unloved I feel till my brother got married and the way he interacts with his wife) (they knew each other and everyday I think my life would have been better if I had known the guy). Reality is I have no choice till he actually says enough... please sister use your voice if you can't help him then let him go, don't weigh yourself down.

  13. I know how you feel. I am confused with my married life as well and i am not happy anymore but i am still fighting for it because I don't want to be selfish. The thing is, i am losing myself bits by bits everyday. I feel pity for my ownself.

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