IslamicAnswers.com: Islamic Advice

Following are the emotional troubles that I have been going through for several years and ones that have now taken a toll on me. Yesterday, I cried hard in my supplication and prayed to God to call me back. I’ve written to many scholars about my reasons for depression but never got a response so I’m trying my luck here.

• Firstly, I feel this overwhelming sense of mediocrity/worthlessness/uselessness about me, that my education path or accomplishments are nothing extraordinary/impressive or even something to be proud of. Both of my Bachelor's and Master's degrees are mediocre and nothing that could amaze others. I keep thinking and feeling miserable about how my life could have been much, much, much better and extraordinary had I gotten outstanding grades in high school and I could have gotten a scholarship from a world-class university but that never happened. I don’t think of myself as a success or person of value. I don't think I'm really amounting to anything or even consider myself important. Other people my age or younger than me are already very accomplished and successful, going places and what not while I seem to be in the same place, just going with the flow, having lost so many opportunities, waiting to wrap up with an ordinary Master's degree and hoping to get a high-paying job. I strongly feel like a failure, that I could not get into a top university because of my pathetic grades. I feel I am lagging behind. After getting pathetic high school grades, I couldn't get into a top university; still I hoped better for Master's but that did not work out due to external factors and I had to stay in the same place instead going where I really wanted to go and do what I really wanted. I feel highly unsuccessful, be it academics, career prospects, relationships or social media.
• Another reason I don’t think of myself as something big, useful, valuable, and inspirational or a major success story that can astonish others, is that my life path did not work according to my dreams. In high school, I wanted to study at a prestigious university but that didn’t work because of grades. I started BS of 4 years from a mediocre university and set a goal of becoming a professional counselor but that didn’t work out because our family got betrayed by the guy’s family at the time of applications for Master’s. MS degrees are of 2 years but the guy’s family, in a rush for marriage, insisted that I go for the degree that lasted only 1.5 year. I obliged, only to end up betrayed because the guy had emotionally abused me a lot and disrespected my elders, often to the point of tears and restless nights. By that time, I couldn’t drop out and family just told me to get the degree. Now it’s too late because I want to start working. So a dream went down the lane.
• Struggling with loneliness. Over the years I have become bad at relationships. I get easily hurt, take things personally, knowing well that nobody is perfect and even I am full of imperfections. Family environment is toxic – elders have anger issues and because of that the home environment has often been verbally hostile. Family therapy is out of question. We are distant from each other; there is a lack of communication among us, even between me and sibling but that’s because I took out my frustrations on him when I was a teenager and have a part in damaging his esteem, which is what I learned from elders and that has affected communication. I am guilty of a bad attitude and having said hurtful words but have tried to improve by reading self-help books, still we have grown apart from each other. we don't talk much or share anything with each other and keep to ourselves. This is my biggest problem and has extremely disturbed me. Am I cutting off relations OR am I not able to get along with anyone and I mean ANYONE. I don't have an emotional connection with anyone anymore and feel extremely alone. I can't identify what my problem is, why I can't get along with family members or am I severing ties? This frightens me because of what is said of those who cut ties with kith and kin - about the lifespan being shortened and going to Hell. I feel extremely disturbed, restless and frightened, thinking whether I am doomed for eternity. The lack of success in life seems to stem from this issue only - having resentment towards close ones, huge communication gaps and feeling that I'M ONLY LIVING A LIFE OF PUNISHMENT AND GOD'S CONDEMNATION! It looks like I'm not getting anything good out of life or that God has nothing good to offer me.
• Fifth, I feel terrible that I am not approached by guys. I am friendly, read books on socializing skills and have received girl friend proposals as well as for marriage. Maybe it’s because I appear detached, even though I have considerable male friends at university and we all have group conversations, get-togethers and share notes. But it stops at that. Please don’t start a religious debate on this. I have always studied in co-education schools and have drawn a line in my interactions. Still I feel bad about why they don’t approach me as much as they do other girls. I don’t tempt anyone, my dressing is modest and still I’m struggling with this. I’m not arrogant, mainly due to my sense of mediocrity described earlier. I don’t exactly come across as one with an inferiority complex either because I perform well in university studies and speaking skills. With a few male friends, I am able to debate on current issues, global affairs and all those pertaining to international relations. I wish more than that. Only the creeps come up to me, not the popular ones or those I like and this bothers me.
• I also have painful past memories of being bullied and ostracized for many years. Girls have spread dirty rumors about me, made a page on social media where these girls wrote the meanest things about me and called me offensive words, made hateful nicknames about me and all that. I feel aggrieved that I could not beat them with decent grades and remained a poor student for many years before picking myself up. I remain scarred to this day as I see that some of my bullies have become way more successful than me, they have gone way ahead of me in life as they are studying in top-notch universities of the world because they had outstanding grades and I am here in a local, mediocre university with nothing to feel proud of. Still, I don't wish for karma to get to them now that they are thriving in their lives.
• As a result of these issues, I have a low sense of self, no direction and feel my life is nothing extraordinary. I have prayed to God for the possibility of getting a high degree from a world-class university but that didn’t work out. This series of painful events have continued and I have cut myself many times. After repeatedly getting pathetic grades in international examinations at high school, I started beating myself badly that my limbs and thighs hurt. I bruised my hands by smashing them into the walls, hurt my head by banging it often on the wall and the cuts have left scars on my arm, for which I now always wear full-sleeved clothes. The last time I cut myself was 3 years ago, when a mentally unstable, psychotic parent wished that I get divorced, whenever I get married, and go into the deepest pits of hellfire.
• These are the following thoughts that I frequently get: going to a beach party with a large group of people and drowning myself; going to the deepest end of the pool and drowning; one strike of the knife on my palm and I can be dead within seconds; why was I born; why did God send me only to be doomed & go to Hell; I should be replaced - God totally has the power to replace me so why doesn't He do it already!!!??? It's driving me insane. i'm falling into depression! I wish I wasn't born. I have grown up with such dejected moods that I don't even feel like living. I have become extremely unhappy with life. I only become angrier, bitter and frustrated each time.
• If suicide wasn’t haram, I’d be long dead. I cannot count on anyone for emotional support. I am not or feel close to anyone. Two of my family members have offered to talk to me about whatever is bothering me but I choose not to because I am sweating the small stuff that they have said to me and because as pathetic as I am taking small things personally and getting easily hurt, I choose to withdraw from them. I never used to be like this before. Now I have become paranoid that people only want to hurt me and I withdraw completely, refusing to talk to them. I don't think of myself as someone important or having material value. I feel I'm not amounting to much in life and definitely that I'm not a lovable person. I really want life to end. I don’t think anyone would even care.

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