Lost hurt, weak and feel like that death is my only option. Please help me out of this situation.
Dear brother and sister Assalam O Alaikum,
How are you? I am a 22 year old Muslim, my story follows below please advise me what to do as I feel like I am running out of options!
Ok! When I was 19 years old in year 2008, my family just had come back from a holiday from our home town. We went there with my 3 other siblings and my father. During our trip there, my father had decided to give my older sister away to my uncle's son whom was once his enemy (as in his uncle hired people to murder my dad).
The problem was that at that time my sister had a boyfriend and my dad was going to give her away without consulting with my mother who had stayed behind. I called my mother to tell her the news she fainted and had a heart attack and requesting us to come back immediately home.
As this was happening my mother had sworn to my fathers family and insulted my dad because she could not believe my father was going to give her daughter away without her knowing and to someone that she does not like. So, we eventually all came back.
In mid June 2008 my sister decided to not marry anyone else but the boy she was with so she decided to run away with him. My parents pleaded for her to come back and my parents are really old fashioned so their name and pride means a lot to them. So my sister agreed to come back under the condition that my parents would allow them to get married to each other.
When she was staying at home my parents were discussing to either kill her or send her to their home town marry her off to anyone and make her stay there forever (but their 1st option was killing her straight away). She heard the conversation about it and realised how the parents hadn't accepted her wish so she ran away again and this time never returned.
So, as the days and months passed on everything was getting harder mum was continuous on the search for her and was extremly in pain, was crying and screaming every morning day and night. Dad was too busy searching for her as well.
About a months after my sister ran away, my dad gave me away to someone from overseas not knowing who it is and once again not deciding it with my mother or me this time. He just told us when he said yes to them. Now I am still not engaged to him it is only in the name that all. I accepted it because I was in pain myself and I didn't want my parents to go through any more pain or rejection, I just wanted everything to be all right.
Also, my younger sister was so close to my older sister that she couldn't take it anymore and was deciding to kill her self. She attempted to commit suicide serveral times and was really close to death, while my brother turned to gangs and was going in and out of jail. So as being the 2nd oldest sister, I had to support my parents got my sister's help and helped my brother out as and looked after my two younger siblings.
Doing all this made me hate my older sister for what she did to my family. And I think it was 2009, my dad's other uncle and his son got murdered in his hometown. My dad was DEVESTATED. So now, you can imagine how much tension is in the house.
Now during all this I met my best friends' old lover. She introduced me to him and our relationship started there. My best friend went out with him but their relationship was very ugly, she was always in control and he hated that. However, all three of us were equally best friends we did everything together. Now, the time I met the boy was around the same time I met my best friend. The reason why I stayed with them was because due to my family problems and I really wanted distraction. I continuously cried every night praying that things work out with my family, every second scared to my stomach about my younger sister; the one who wanted to commit suicide. Mind you, she was only 16 years old. So, any distraction I was happy with and my two best friends did that, and I was not worried about him falling in love with me because he was going out with my best friend.
However, as the year went passed and there relationship was basically dead and they were continuously fighting and she was basically cheating on him as in seeing her exes, and this guy wanted to marry her. So, I felt sorry for the guy and every time they had fights they both would discuss their feelings to me. I was this third person and they both relied on me and when they had fights they would both come and cry to me.
It was then I started to care for him and realised my feeling had started and so had his but I never paid any attention to it because I knew how dangersous it was (Please don't think wrong of me; I never had a boyfriend and this was practically the 1st that I spent a lot of time with but with my best friend being present). However, we soon figured out that we had fallen in love and my best friend had figured it out too. I did everything to stop it; I told him NO several times that us is wrong in every way and oh yeah he knew everything that was happening in my life also about the whole fiance thing.
Anyway, I also got my family to go on a holiday to get away from him and when I came back he chased after me. He had realised what he felt for me was true love and was true emotions unlike with my best friend whom he was misreable with for most part of the relationship.
Now, he did everything to tell my best friend that he loved me and will never give me up for anything. Obviously, my best friend hates my guts and had cursed, belittled and shamed me in every possible way you could imagine. Till this today, she is doing everything to get back to me.
For one year she was begging the guy to take her back but he found out about what she did and also he loved me and told her he did not want her at all. Every morning from 5 am till 12 midnight she'd be with him begging him to get her back. She had turned his mum against him and also his brother, because of what he had done, telling lies to everyone and turning everyone you could imagine against him and I. But his love for me was too strong for it to be weakened by anything or anyone and still stood there telling everyone that it was not my fault it was his fault for falling in love with me and her fault for cheating on him and also treating him like a dog I mean literally like a dog.
So, the fight was so serious that the guy got kicked out of his mums house and into a punch up with his brother. And I was getting abusive messages from all her friends and she even turned my own friends against me.
I literally tried everything to get away from the boy too because I knew it was bad and a big sin; I knew if I had allowed my feelings to grow I would fail in the test that Allah put in front of me big time.
He also tried so hard to let me go by going to another country and he couldn't handle but to return back. This went on for about a year I know what I did was wrong but I swear my intention was to NEVER STEAL the guy away from her. It never crossed my mind and I did tell him about us that it was wrong and he knew it and wanted to fight for me against all the problems him and I faced. However, his fight for me had made me fall deep in love with him and now its been 2 years that we are together. (I am still a virgin)
Now here's the problem the guy that my dad gave me away to only calls me in regards to paper work literally he does, as in how is the paper work going and the only other time he calls me is when we have a special event occurring e-g Eid or like if someone in the family passed away. When it was Eid, he kept telling me and my dad oh buy her something and we will work it out at the end as if I was a product to be gambled with. And this happened about 3 times for the Eid celebration.
So, my mother finally said to him on the last Eid what do you mean we buy her something how about we give you her account details and you put as much money you wish into her account yourself. He said OK but he never did and the last Eid that just went past he just called me to wish me a happy Eid and quickly hung up. Now, our conversation has only takes place for literally 10 seconds; no joke and he doesn't call me or talk to me. The reason why I don't want to contact him is because I don't want to sell myself short, my dad already did that for me its why he doesn't care about me because I was easy to get.
Yes, in my culture if you are easy to get and cheap then the husband does not treat the women properly or have any respect for her because she was not that expensive to be bought. Its what my dad told me. At last, my mum's brother passed away from cancer; it was so painful to watch because we watched him every day for his last 6 months dying my mother was now in severe pain. First her daughter ran away then, her 2nd daughter was given away cause her husband wanted to get back at her and punish her so he used his daughter to punish my mother for embrassing him. She knew she could not say a single word to prevent it from happening; her 3rd daughter was going through depression and was committing suicide and her son was in and out of jail. Now her brother passed away; when my uncle passed away may (Allah provide him a place in the jannah), his last wish was to be burried in his hometown. So, my whole family was getting ready to go overseas by this I meant my uncles and so on not us.
During all the pain my mother was going she still remembered my so called fiance and his family and was like oh great since they are going overseas they can give him and his parents something on behalf of me and her. So, she gave the presents to my cousin and asked him to give it to him. When my family came back I was expecting some gift from him to get something in return or send something in return to me. Because, after my mother's brother death, she still thought of him and took the opportunity to send him something but he didn't. He didnt have the decency to call up and say thank you or even send something back to me. My mother called him and asked him if he had recieved the presents? It was then he said Yes. His parents didn't even say thank you, mind you my mother had spent over $500 on these presents so it wasn't cheap. Now I got so insulted and cut. My mother told my dad off and he secretly called them to get me something and give it to my uncle whom at the time was left behind for a little while and what I recieved was a cheap fat old ladies ring which he knows I HATE big ugly rings like that cause my mother told him earlier.
Anyway, the boy I am with now I am heavily madly in love with him and vice versa. He wants to propose to me the right Islamic way, but he is not a Muslim himself. I said NO to him because I cannot bear to see my parents go through any more pain. He does not prevent me from following my religion and at time actually supports me and encourages me to further follow it and has an interest in it. However, he does not wish to revert to Islam. I really don't want to marry the guy that my dad has given me too. And I also know that a man cannot ask for a girls hand if the parents has accepted the first suitor. I also do not want to do anything wrong by my religion and I do not want to fall into the trap of not following my religion. I LOVE Islam and I have great desire to learn more. So I don't want to dissappoint Allah swt and my parents. I cannot imagine betraying my parents or shaming them like my sister; I saw what my sister did to them, I cannot handle doing the same. I also know my parents WILL never accept me with him cause till now they have not accepted my sister. They will kill me especially because I have a relationship with someone while I am so called engaged.
I know what I am doing is haram in every way but I swear I Love this boy to death and so does he. He moved to another state for me recently to get away from me but further realised that he cannot literally live without me. It is why he came back to propose to me and told me that he is going to fight for me till he dies, AND I KNOW HE WILL CAUSE HE IS THAT TYYPE OF A BOY. I know people say we are young and full of hormones but trust me this I know is right I am not wrong about my feelings for him. I have enemies out there that want to create more harm for me; they want to destroy me in everyway possible way. I cannot explain to you what I have gone through with them and for the past 3 years. But now, all I know is I love my parents and I cannot bear to handle for my parents to disown me or be ashamed of me because right now there respect for me is so high for accepting my dad's action. And my family is so proud of me. I cannot loose that I cannot imagine to loose that but I also cannot live without him. All I now can think off is killing myself its my only freedom. I feel like its the only path for me left. But i want Allah to forgive me and I don't want to go to hell forever; I don't know what else to do and I don't want the boy to ask for my hand cause I know what will happen and I know what will happen to me.
My parents are not the type to sit down and talk to when people find out how I was given away even the mullas here tried talking to my parents and they said; we know what's best for her and its our right to give her away to whom we want to. Doctors and family members and freinds all spoke to my parents and nothing changed their mind. Well, mother couldn't say anything because she is ashamed of her first daughter and dad is like to them mind your own business. I tried telling dad that I am not happy with the arrangements and he just ignores me and says that its all in Allah's hand. I don't know how to just leave someone and straight away marry someone else. Especially, if my soul and my heart is given to another man. I think to myself of how Allah will forgive my actions? I have fornicated and sinned (but still am a virgin) and if I can't forgive myself for it then how would Allah? If Allah was so upset with Adam (peace be upon him) when he disobeyed Allah (swt) rules and Allah (swt) punished by sending him to earth then what chance do I have? zero. I seriously have disappointed Allah and have failed this test so much; its why I believe I have no where to turn to but just dying. I have no courage to face my parents. They emotionally blackmail me and tell me that in Islam when a parent ask you to do something and if you do it; their is a great reward. I know the whole Islamic interpretation of this when the parents choose the suitor for the child and how I have a right to say NO. But I don't have the courage to do that because I have seen them go through enough pain.
I have no idea what else to do please help me I feel like the only solution is death but I don't want Allah to be upset with me. I want him to forgive me. Please give me critical advice, if you are going to advise me to say no to the marriage I can't do that cause that will destroy my dad and mum and they will disown me seriously and then the boy will ask for my hand and that in itself I will loose everything my parents, my family and the community. I am in a difficult situation and I don't know what else to do; I pray to Allah to help me find a way to get out of this and and to help us and to protect us. I also pray for my ex best friend, I hope Allah gives her patience and one day forgives me for the pain that I caused or inflicted upon her.
Please advise me ASAP, I have only 20 days left to give one last info to the immigration centre for him to be accepted and come to my country. I have already asked him if he wants this marriage he has not replied to me or even said a single word about it. I know it is quite long but I had to explain it in a way where you don't have any question to ask or leave any empty holes in the story.
Take care brothers and Sisters for now' and inshallah you shall get back to me.
Wasalam,
Mariam.
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This is so ridiculous. I stopped reading.
(Editor's note: I deleted your comment because it was unnecessarily harsh. You cannot advise people in this tone and expect them to listen. What's going on with you lately? There seems to be an angry tone in your comments lately that was not there in the past. Insha'Allah you are well. - Wael, IslamicAnswers.com Editor)
May Allah SWT forgive me and help with me with Sabr, I have had a hard time this past week, extremely trialing on a lot of fronts and lost patience with a lot of people in my life this week. It is very perceptive of you to pick up on that, but I still stand by what I wrote, including the one bad word I had put into my post as the father in this situation is ridiculous.
What this man did was sell his daughters like some kind of commodity to settle a debt in the 'old country' asthugfirullah. I think the advice I gave was very practical and if you have a problem with it I would appreciate pointing out what aspects you have a problem with. Think about this girl's experience with Muslims, we can argue rationality, but emotionally how do you think this has affected and will affect her relationship with al-Islam and Muslims, and Muslim men in the future? I have seen the consequences of submissive and relegated behavior to fathers, and women end up doing stupid things to be with what they feel are, but are just as, controlling men like their fathers. This girl isn't even past college yet, she is not financially independent or cognizant enough of the options in her situation as well as her Islamic and legal rights and responsibilities in this situation.
I have not seen a single person recommend going to a shelter yet. Apparently many people forgot that in a similar situation with his sister that the father tried to KILL his own daughter after she refused a FORCED marriage. This is not a good sitaution to be in, and I would tell the initial poster to seek help both spritually and legally against your father. Have some refuge to go to as your life and future are at stake. Apparently the fact she is contemplating suicide because of situation hit no one.
Lastly I stick by my advice, what this boy did, playing with your heart, your emotions, and having all the benefits of a spouse without the commitment, is a huge sign to AVOID him at all costs. Muslim or NOT. Delete his contats from email, delete your facebook, change your phone number
I'm confused Wael were you taken back by the "this is ridiculous I stopped reading" That was NOT pointed at the initial read. I apologize if anyone thought so. I was more aghast at the situation this young girl is in! NO ONE should have to deal with a father who dehumanizes his own daughter, or shames her, into being a commodity to settle a debt.
That's a completely inhumane way to deal with any human being let alone your own blood! The idea that she could be encouraged at all to settle this 'debt' or 'honor' on her father's behalf is ridiculous, bringing another man (her fiance) into this is even more ridiculous. Patience and reasoning with this man went out the window when he basically tried to sell his daughter off!
*correction* sell his daughter off to a man who hired others to kill him? Does that not sound like a ridiculous situation and an even more ridiculous father figure!? I don't think my language was uncouth in that regard.
True, the father's actions have been outrageous. And I don't necessarily disagree with what you wrote. But it seemed as if you were rather fed up with the sister herself; your tone with her was very curt. Sometimes people need that, because they need to be shocked back into reality. But most of the time it's more helpful to speak kindly to people, as they are more likely to listen that way.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Thanks for clarifying. You are right in what you say, the situation is abominable.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
the prophet[saww] forbade strictly judging whilst one is in a state of anger, bothered, and Allaah forbade daawuud [as] from judging whilst he was angry.
Kindly don't mention sacred quotes or Names here as all sorts of people visit this site and many times low life enemies of Allah post blasphemous replies to such comments . Please I request you to your comment for sake of Allah or else you will earn a grave sin
Salaam Marium.
There are so many issues here, I am having difficulty untangling them at the moment so I will have to have a think and write full response, but I am so sorry to hear about your situation. May Allah swt help you through this.
What I wanted to say is dying does not solve anything dear sister. Suicide is a permanent mistake to a temporary problem. Any pain you are going through now is nothing compared to the pain you will go through if you commit suicide. You are alive, and it is never to late to turn to Allah swt. Do not despair and ask Him for help. Please do not consider suicide. You are precious, your life is precious. Truly no trial and no blessing matters in this world except good deeds, because this life is temporary. The only true disaster is being sinful and dying before you repent because the only true disaster is hell. Nothing last forever except the Aakhirah. This life is less meaningful than a dead donkey lying in the street.
I will pray for you InshaAllah and will have a think about what to advise you.
Never forget you are precious and Allah swt loves you.
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
The guy tht u love is not muslims, which means tht u can not marry him. Ur marriage would b invalid
Salaams Sister Mariam
As sister Sara has advised you, suicide does not solve any problems. It just creates more problems for you in the aakhirah. It seems like there is a lot going on in your life. Your solution for now is to turn to Allah. Pray, read namaaz, make dua. Ask Allah and beg Allah to change your life around. Did you read istikaarah namaaz regarding your proposal? If you read and it's still negative then explain to your parents that you cannot marry this man. Ask them to find you somebody else suitable. Look sister your parents have already lost one child to someone whom they did not want she should marry.They probably fear the same for you. I understand that your situation is not that easy especially if your parents are not willing to listen but what other choice do you have. Try as much as possible to reason with them.
Regarding the boy that you in love with- sister you will have to forget him. He is not muslim so you cannot marry this boy. You should cutt-off all ties with him. You want to turn your life around so start with this.
In your duas - you should ask Allah to create love amongst your family. Try to get your family close together again. Maybe you should contact your sister that ran-away and ask her to keep in touch with your family. If possible advise your younger sister and brother to go for counselling to help them deal with issues in their life.
My duas are with you
Rumaysa
assalamu'alakum sister
sister the man u love had made it clear that he won't revert so please sister leave him as u know he is haram for u. And repent to Allah for ur mistakes and creat a good r/ship with him(allah).
So please sister forget about ur man that u r in luv with coz u cant marry him but if u keep ur r/ship with him it may lead u to something haram. U have to choose him or allah. Coz if u choose him ALLAH N ur parents upset. The it means u have ruined ur duniya and akhira.
May ALLAH guides us and
May ALLAH helps u with all of ur problems.
AMEEN
Salam Alaikum sister.
Listen I know your in pain and this is probably what you don't wanna
hear
right now but I HAVE TO say it. LEAVE THIS NON-MUSLIM MAN !!!!!!!!!
Its COMPLETELY forbidden in the religion of Islam for a Muslim woman
to marry a NON-Muslim man.
If you have truly made a covenant with ALLAH (Swt). If you
truly TRULY believe that ALLAH (swt) is your LORD and that
Muhammad (SAAW) is HIS final Messenger then END THIS
RELATIONSHIP NOW !!!!
This man DOES not want to become Muslim.
And even if he does chances are he'll convert just for you.
This is what Islam is becoming to some
foolish people nowadays. Just one big formality.
He recites Shahada but DOES NOT even believe
in the concept of Tawhid or pray or fast or anything.
Also sister, you must understand that suicide will
lead you to damnation.
Is it worth it? IS IT?
I know your in love. And all these heightened
emotions
have taken hold of you but
I've been
in there and believe me its NOT worth it.
I'm sorry to hear what your
going through.
Pray Istikhara to ALLAH (swt) and see if this
other Muslim man
overseas would be a good match for you
after all.
BUT YOU MUST FORGET THIS NON-MUSLIM guy.
Leave me NOW !!!
Also go and just make Sajdah to ALLAH (Swt)
and cry your eyes out to your Lord and
beg FOR HIS forgiveness and guidance.
ALLAH (swt) will help you believe me.
May ALLAH (swt) help you and guide you.
Ameen.
Look u cannot marry the boy who is an non muslim , and still u have not cross ur limit that very good
Now , the person u are engaged with , u don't like him but u r scared to tell that to ur parents 'coz of ur elder sister .
But ill suggest u that atleast u try telling/explaining ur parents , that they search another guy for u
I know its easy said than done , and the current ongoing in ur family and personal life u might thing that it might be next to impossible
But atleast give it a try , tell ur parents about ur feeling , its either going to be now or never
Ur entire future , is based on ur decision that u make right now
Plz give it a shot
As for suicide , it is haram
I don't know whether i'm presenting this story correctly but
There was a warrior fighting for islam in a battle
While fighting for islam he was injured and i mean badly injured
He could not , bear the pain and he then took his life
For this he was given the place in hell
U know that if a person fighting for islam gets the highest place among all in heaven
But coz of his taking his life he was placed in hell
So plz don't take ur like ur final place will be hell
What ever ur going is just a test and u will insh allah pass
Remember after every darkness there is always light
I hope I was able to help and not offened anyone
In islam, a muslim woman is not allowed to marry a non muslim man but the vice vasa is true (ie a muslim man can marry people of d scriptures- jews, xtians). So i can only conclude that u are commiting big haram for dating that boy. And d boy u love is haraam for u to marry, so u ve to choose btw ur boyfriend and Allah u created u.
Salaam sister,
Firstly, I would like to tell you that no matter how severe your situation is, no matter how misunderstood or lonely you feel, Allah swt gives us nothing that we cant cope with, and while you seek a solution to all your problems suicide can never be it. I say this because you want to rid yourself from stress and shame infront of Allah and your family, but it would cause them great pain to see you commit such sin. From what you have said, you are struggling with many issues and I am not in the least bit qualified to recommend precise advice to you, but you must develop the ability to seperate culture from Islam before you abide to one for the sake of the other. What I mean to say is that marrying a man who clearly has no interest in you, just to please your family because our religion promotes obedience to your parents, holds no merit when the marraige was never discussed with you, you never personally agreed to such a commitment and you are bound to this based on your cultural practices. Nobody ever wants to dissapoint their family by making unwise decisions, but it is the parents obligation to raise us as the best muslims we can be so that when faced with tricky decisions, we can make the right choice on our own.
If you have heard your parents discuss harming your older sister based on her percievably poor choices, then you have to ask yourself whether their reaction to a common problem is within reason? Is murdering somebody an appropriate response in any situation? Of course not. My point is that you should never honour a commitment that you were never 100% aware of... You must honour your parents in Islam and this we all know, but when the consequence of presenting a fair arguement ****not marrying the complete stranger***** is death or being trapped in a foreign village... then it is time to use your initiative and realise that Islam promotes humanity, even when your culture does not.
This boy of yours seems resilient, and you should have every respect for him supporting you during this difficult time, but sister if he does not see Islam for what it is, despite your influence and Dawah, then it is best that you leave him to his own devices. I know this will be extremely difficult and heartbreaking, but understand that something better is coming your way, all you have to do is trust in Allah for it.
One of my best friends father has decided to remarry after a painful divorce, to a lovely 50year old woman who has never been married before....and do you know why?? because she never found the right guy. Subhanallah, and what better way to live than to know your own worth, love yourself and your Deen until you meet your match...??
We all lose faith at some point in our lives, even momentarily, what matters most is how we get back to it sister.
You are in my Du'aas
x
Asalam mu Alaikum dear precious sister mariam
I am very sorry to hear about your pain.Your really having a tough life.But i agree with sara.that your only chance is to turn to Allah and seek His guidance.
As they are your parents they should listen to you and make you all happy and and try to sacrifice whatever will make you happy in your life and do not care about their own desires. your parents wishes and their own desires is what cause all this problem in your family.Sometimes parents they should listen to their children needs even once because if they not it will cause a problem in the family and the children begin to run away as I have some friends also who did the same thing because their parents are ignoring their wishes. In islam a girl has the right to marry whom she wants.When your father was going to give your elder sister to your uncles son he could have consulted her first that did she wants him or not.And when they knew that she have a boy-friend whom she love they could have think a better solution to let the boy come and ask your elder sister hand in marriage instead of thinking to kill her or to send her away.At least what they will loose if they let her marry her boy-friend they might not like the boy but at least they are going to stay as husband & wife.And now after they run away without marring whose fault is it?thats why Islam gives the right for the girl to choose her husband.Because if they force her to marry whom she dislikes the result of the marriage is always corruption,and will not be success at all.If they could have listen to her noting could have happen.May Allah give patient to your mother.and return your sister back to you.
& tell your younger sister to have patience and dont think of suicide and may Allah guide your brother.Your father did a wrong thing by giving you to someone whom you dislike.But you have a wonderful heart that u
accept that and go on to please your parents.But you fall in a relationship that is haram in Islam.And may Allah guide your friend.I appreciate that you try all your best to stay away from him.& you try all your again to cut all the ties with him.I know how you love him and how much he also cared for you and always stand for you.But marriage between you is invalid because he is not a muslim and he do not want to convert.I know your parents choose for you whom you dislike.But whoever you love him your love to Allah is more then anything.Dont ever think to choose the wrong way as your sister did.You have a very precious heart dear.Your parents might think that your are cheap but your are a gold and more expensive then the gold and you deserve a better muslim husband.Inshallah Allah will choose for you whom you like.& end this relationship with this boy whom you love I know it is hard for u as your suffering now but you that it is haram right?& you dont want to disappoint Allah right?
Ask Allah to forgive you.And throw away the suicide thinking witch you have in your mind.Suicide is not the solution to your all problems.You might fell a lot of pain right now but the pain witch you will fell it if commit this suicide is not even a bit like the pain witch you fell it now.
Allah is so merciful to you dont kill yourself your my lovely sister life is so precious Allah(swt)said(And do not kill yourselves.Surely ,Allah is most merciful to you.)
And prophet(s.a.w)said(Indeed who(Intentionally)kill himself,then certainly he will be punished in the fire of hell)
See sister killing yourself is not the way out to your problems.You mention Adams(A.S)mistake and that Allah was upset with him because he disobey Him.But Adam(A.S)didnt lose hope or commit suicide he went straight and ask Allahs forgiveness and Allah had forgiven him.so you also have the chance to ask forgiveness and Allah is always ready to forgive all your sins and guide you.Dont lose hope in asking forgiveness from Allah.Allah is so merciful to you more anyone else in this world even more merciful to you then your parents even your own mother..
On the authority of Anas, who said.I heard the messenger of Allah said,
(Allah the Almighty has said(O son of Adam so long as you call upon Me and ask of Me,I shall forgive you for what you have done,and I shall not mind.O son of Adam were your sins to reach the clouds of the sky and were you then to ask forgiveness of Me,I would forgive you.O son of Adam were you to come to Me with sins nearly as great as the earth and were you then to face Me,ascribing no partner to Me,I would bring you forgiveness nearly as great as its.)
Allah is always ready to forgive all your sins.So turn to Allah and seek his forgiveness and guidance.And may Allah guide your family and forgive them all,read quran and pray salat al-Tahajjud at 3 o,clock at night. may Allah gives you more patience to your pain.May Allah fill your heart with His mercy and peace.Ameeeen.
Salaam waleikum waragmatoelah hibrakatoe dear sister.
After reading your story I can understand where your coming from, let me guess your Pakistani right ?
hehe.
Anyhows, theres a reason why all of this is happening and for every question there is an answer. Some are here known with us and Some are with Allah.
None the less nothing here will actually help you are not prepared to actually put some effort into it and practice it.
You are specifially asking us to not advice you on something which is wrong ? ( '' if you are going to advise me to say no to the marriage I can't do that cause that will destroy my dad and mum and they will disown me seriously''
First of all what you need to realise dear sister is that the fault always lies with our selves before we continue to look at others. What you need to do at hand is look for the mistake that is with you.
From what I have read I can conclude the following:
Remaining in contact with this lad (falling in love is no crime).
Encouraging/Improving your feelings for him (instead of for Allah)
ignoring your own Rights (this one is the most important)
Ignoring Allah soebhaan wataa'Aalah his commands
You have obviously said you love him and I completely believe you, but as in a relationship with your BF you do things to show you actually care (like that present your mom send ?) To show Allah appreciation you do what he has commanded you to do (because we were made to obey/prostrate)
Your blaming your sister for something she did, while the choice she made is something she was pressured into, if you want to be mad you should be at your parents, But I wouldn't do that anymore now the moment has passed. Your sister stood up for what she believed and she was BRAVE enough to do whats right. refering to my other point not ignoring your own rights.
Did you know that in Islam (I don't have the Hadith for you at the moment) that from what I know and read from scholars that the prophet said peace be upon him that ignoring your own rights is one of the worst things you can do in Islam) Allah forgive me if I said anything wrong Astagfiroellah. (I don't play around with hadiths, but I am sure I read it somewhere vaguely)
I could continue but its not necessary to point out peoples mistakes, you should always look at yourselves, in your case I am telling you because you should know why you are in this position.
It is because you have put yourself in it.
In life we have choices to make to some yes and to some no. We always damn well know when to say and do the right thing but when it comes down to it we ''chicken'' out. (THIS IS NO ATTACK ON YOUR SISTER just in general).
First of all I want you to look back on all what has happened so far. You will notice a pattern for all of this and the reason why you missed most things is because you were blinded by love.
the foremost and most dificult thing for you to do will be step:
1. Leave contact with this man your seeing. Not in a harsh way just tell him even though your love is true if you truly believe in Allah you believe that he will become Muslim and you and he will marry if it is the will of Allah. Then leave everything on Allah based on trust.
2. Reconcile (think through all the events that occured) everything with yourself, you will see that after the first step you will already be a lot closer to Allah and some what praying more and doing more for Allah.
3. Start praying, Start reciting, Start being truly honest and right.
4. If you have trouble speaking with your parents, write to them on a letter and when you give it to them stand in front of them and if it makes you feel comfortable look down for respect but do not let them notice your weak in your posture or gesture.
What you should try to make clear to them is, that you want to become a better muslimah and for you to do this you have to follow Islam correctly. In Islam forced marriages are not allowed tell them the reason you agreed at that time was because you wasn't thinking clearly and were afraid for them that something could happen to them and you did it to please them. But that if they really care about you, they will help you find someone better or if marriage is the least your thinking about now attain a muslim college or gain Sabir and focus on Study & Islam. That you will do that in the mean time. Any how You CANNOT denie yourself the right to be happy, if you do, Allah will not be happy with you. Allah has said there is no obedience when there is disobedience to me(Allah). So the wishes of Allah come first then your parents.
please grow some backbone and believe in yourself sister, we can give you all the worlds advice but as long as you don't do something yourself, nothng will change. You can keep asking dua's but if you don't do that what is needed to achieve what you asking in your dua's nothing will happen, effort doesn't fall out of the sky, if it did would the prophet peace be upon him have to go through so many trials, problems, effort and name it on ? Seriously what the prophet peace be upon him went through none of us could even bear 1% of it.
We are already having trouble with making ourselves happy, how in this worldy life can we make others happy then ?
5. Turn back to Allah, genuinly this has nothing to do with praying that is your and Allah's matter. Turn back to him with mind and spirit, 24/7 in your heart and mind.
6. During all of this it is very important that in each step you maintain your Sabir. Please for the sake of Allah do not argue with your parents, boyfriend, yourself or anyone else. You just have to do what you have to do. When you do it, do it and then continue, Do not look back. Have Sabir wait and make your point clear. When people try to convince you or stop you just dont respond do what you gotta do and continue. With Allah in your mind and heart stay strong, do not falter for them.
7. Be the best daughter you can be by helping out and obeying Allah. Other words also listen to your parents but when they say something unreasonable or it goes against Allah's commands there is no blame on you if you do not listen and you are free of blame/sin.
Do not try to create contact with your elder sister and your parents you will just be causing more damage and confusion this is not for you to work out.
You have to know and believe me when I tell you, your parents are just scared that you will do the same what your sister did. When it becomes clear to them that you do not engage with boyfriends and stay clear of haram, Allah will help you and make them realise that you are not of that kind.
(I am just assuming this sister but you do not wear the hijab ?) If you don't that mainly also one of the reasons why parents don't take their daughters seriusly because you don't have any credibility to make your statement, they as your parents know you the best on this world (Allah knows all and best). Therefore before making claims and statements get some credibility, show some backbone and actually show that you can be a good daughter and a healthy person in life.
Surely in families where there isnt Islam there is no peace and tranquility.
For your brother who is going in and out of Jail. I woulnd't worry to much about him because Allah decides who he wants to lead and I have a feelings your brother will take a turn for the good when he sees what iut does to others around him. You dad should teach him a lesson by not bailing him out. You can only see what you are missing when you have lost it. Your brother just doesnt realise what he has. He will take a turn for the good when he realises what he has.
Your smaller sister is doing these ''stupid'' things because she has no guidance what so ever. She sees evil/unjustice in your parents, in you, in your brother. Then the only thing for her to turn to is evil ?....
Give her the right guidance, be the beacon of light be doing whats right. Pray and let her pray with you, even if she doesnt remind her daily tell her you love her and tell her it hurts you that she doesnt take just 5 min to pray only 2/4 farz with you. Be the role model for her. Because if you don't she will take others as role models, you might have turned out well and good. But astagfiroellah may Allah protect her don't expect the same from her, she is young thus easy to be influenced by the outside world. Let her leave the house with a strong basic each day. She will also take a turn for the good when she has someone to turn to.
You yourself as a woman can understand her the best, being more emotional and acting upon emotions. Positive emotions will make her do good and negative one do bad.
You do realise the numbers always start 1 2 3 and then continue right ? Well if you decide to be 1, then let it go on, eventually with strong perseverence and true believe in Allah and dua's InshAllah everything in your life and family will take a turn for good. you will pray, your sister, your mom, your dad, your brother and InshAllah a healthy family will be created with much love and understanding.
I really want to point out to you that if you do not take action nothing will happen so please learn to stand up for yourself and stay strong in your imaan and deen.
You can however decide to continue your marriage with this man if your anwer is genuine and true. But if you truly believe in your heart that you do not want to marry him then don't as this will only become a extra burden on you.
(you will be stepping into marital life with extra baggage, also he might as well. This will cause you both to be unhappy, cause friction (Eventueally divorce) and many other problems, since he is from family this might also give more family problems)
you also mentioned your father did this only to hurt your mother ? (some men just won't learn, if he truly did then he doen't deserve you and your mother to be in his life). His intentions are wrong and hurtfull and if you go in with his decisions you will also carry his burden and sin, because you know what the true reason is behind all of this. Not to scare you just to let you know another test has been put in front of you.
Well I have basically described most of it I hope, If I can be of any help please let me know. I do not want to give too much information, which will make it dificult for you to understand all of it and practice it.
also forgive my many many many grammer or typos mistakes.
May Allah soebhaan wataa'Aalah bless you and guide you, do that which is best for you ameen.
ps: Please please please sister I urge you the most important thing in all of this, is ACTUALLY being prepared and trying to do something about it, believe and Allah WILL help you have faith!!!!
Sabir = The Key.
Don't let your emotions take control over your judgements, especially not in case with your boyfriend. try to keep Allah happy not others (who are unlawfull or non-deserving).
''And don't do unjustice upon yourselves''
pss: Salaam waleikum waragmatoelah hibrakatoe, dear brother Waell and Sister Maria. Missed you guys and the other editors of course. Since Im here I just wanted to say Im still impressed and inspired by you guys keep doing what you do and please ALLAH some more, you have my love, dua's and support! Take Care (L)!
Sister Alot haS been said, I just want to add fiew points.
--This is a test for you and your parents.
----Dont feel as if the world is about to end, this test will pass and you will be happy inshallah.
1---leave the harram relationship ASA and dont marry your fiance, you dont have to marry any of them. Dont sacrifies your life to make your parents happy, It seems they dont even know the true colour of their own choice. You are not a goat, you are a decent muslim girl who should be protected and loved. Not traded like what your father is trying to do. Dont give up yet, your life has not even properly started yet.
2__ Don't BLAME your sister for running away, when you are in danger , adrenaline can either sent a messege to run, fight or freeze. Given the situation she had to run. Is not right that she run with a boy, but your father actions push her to do this. There is a say " IF YOU DONT LOOK AFTER YOUR CHILDREN, PROTECT THEM, AND KEEP THEM CLOSE TO YOU, THE WORLD WILL RAISE THEM. depending on the character of the child they can turn out good or bad.
3------DONT GET MARRIED, they can not physically drag you to airport put you on the plane and drag you to the nikah there. BE FIRM AND STRONG AND DONT GIVE IN TO THEIR BLACK MAILS. Dont travel even if they tell you there is a funneral back home. When you sense things are getting tense in the house and they are arranging nikar for you, RUN TO WOMEN SHELTER.
4---But please, Please be careful, look after yourself, their are wild people out there. Dont be vulnurable and allow any body to mislead you, because you might be down and confused.
----MAKE SURE you give your little sister encouragement words all the time, especially before you leave.
5 -----BAD EXPERINCE, OBSTACLES , FAMILY CONFLICTS do not occur to make you PARALYSED or GIVE UP, they happen to make you STRONG, and a BETTER PERSON.
Amna
But most important thing sister is, make few changes in your own life. Be a better muslim by leaving haraam relationship, pray and get to know your deen properly. Once you have prove to your parents that you have become a better person, Your parents might realise you wont bring any shame in the family. After all this you can lecture them about forced marrige is not allowed in islam. I feel doing this "might" save your sister from becoming a victim as well.
If all doesn't work, then you can run to women shelter.
Don't Do his paper work, you will make your life hell infuture. Dont get ivolve with immigration and bring him to where you are, he does not want to marry you from the way he behave, and more important you do not want to marry him.
This issue will get big if you dont stop it now, at the moment you only have to face your parents, but in future it will be your parents, and immigration.
It's a HORRIBLE situation to be in, this girl has no support, her parents wouldn't think twice to kill her to honor the family name if she doesn't do what they want. Don't ever ever marry someone that your not happy with, if your not happy now about getting married, what makes you think youd be happy later? Your parents need to change their thinking. They are so selfish to make you do this. Like someone else said, do not help this man get his papers. He could possibly be using you for this reason only, he hasn't even told you he does want to marry you! You only get one chance at life, make it a good one, you shouldn't have to be miserable for the rest of your life. Some of these people's parents disgust me....I could never imagine forcing my child to do something thy don't want or threatening their life.
Most people here seem more concerned with thE fact that she's in a haraam relationship with a non muslim and seem to overlook the fact that her parents have practically planned her sisters murder and would do the same with her!
Sister Sarah,
wallah allah knows how I Feel. Most of us are touched with her story and personally I am worried sick, when i remember her father planning to murder her sister, i have fear for her.
Sister Maryam please let us know how you are? hows are things at home ? Let us know your desicion and how it goes.
Brother Raja it is true what your saying, but some times prevention is better than cure. Prophet himself when he used to go for fajr prayer, he used to come back to his home using different way. There were kaafir after him, and as muslim we do totally beleive in allah but protecting our self is important.
Another hadeeth Anas bin Malik, said: "A man said: ‘O Messenger of Allaah, should I tie it (the camel) and make tawakkul, or let it go free and make tawakkul?' He صلى الله عليه وسلم said: "Tie it and make tawakkul.'" [At-Tirmidhi]
Ya3ni- this man came to prophet and say should i live my camel untie and have a believe that allah will protect it. Or tie the camel then leave the matter in allah's hand. He said Tie it, then live it with allah.
Therefore, even though his father might have just said it, and may be he will not do it. We need to take it SERIOUS because it has happened in my CITY.
Quick Note: it might be true that it seems that way sister that her father planned her sisters murder. ( Do you remember Noah's story?) (Story of the pharaoh?) (Mozes?)
Her father cannot even wrench a hair on her head without permission of Allah.
The real question is who does she has to fear more her father or Allah ?
Because the origin of the problem starts at the beginning and thats mostly ourselves. We just conveniently tend to overlook that fact when 'more' serious issues come at hand. But never forget Allah's words. La hawla Walla Quwwatta Illa Billah. There is no power but with Allah ( no power other then his).
Its All about Imaan and Deen. What you believe to happen that wil happen. Because Allah gives you what you ask for. One of his many promises.
Lets work on ourselves.
This is no attack on no-one. Just putting certain things back in perspective. MayAllah bless you All, guide you all and do that which is best for you all. Ameen.
AS Everyone. Again, I don't think the advice here is necessarily being specific enough. You mentioned 'states' in your initial response, well if you are in the US every state has social and child protective services. Look up your state, call them and see what they can do. Usually they can visit your house, even with police officers if need be, and monitor a situation over time.
Initial Poster would you mind sharing a bit more of your financial situation or age? How independent are you? If you can afford to rent your own place, there are state sponsered shelters, muslim charities, etc that can help with other expenses.
Dear Brother and sisters
1st of all i would like to thank you all for your time, kind words support and analytical advise. And i would like to answer some q's that you people have raised.
My younger sister was going through a rough patch whom was the one that was killing herself, because she was really close to my older sister. this happened in 2009 i believe. Once i found out she was in trouble i forgot all my problems and pain and turned my attention to her. I put her in a hospital, and got her serious help. I took her away from my parents cause i knew one of the other factors that contributed to her emotions was them. at that time she was young only 16 and so she wasn't wise and with so much going she even turned against me. BUt i didnt i managed to bring her back to life. I made stay in the psychiatric ward and a councelling house until she regained her life again. I also hired a mullar whom i made my mum pay him to take evil spirit out of her. I visited her everyday of ramadan time to give her food i did not brake my fast until i saw her and fed her first. I also support her and loved showed her love like there was nothing to stop me. I left my uni just so she could recover. Once she i enrolled in a course with her a colledge degree with her and she allahdillah passed it all and got into uni and is now currently studying teaching. Shukur Allah and allahdilllah she is healthy, and much more close to Allah SWT. She tries to pray 5 times a day and is always thankful of me for bringing her back to life.
During this time when my bro was going through his phase i was there for him at all his court case, tried helping him go to colledge and find a job that he is interested in. He ended up going to a colledge but did not finish it. He has gone much better compared to before but with him there is more adjustments to made but in time i know allah will do that.
And during all this my mother got server eye problem which could lead to complete blindness.. as there is blood vessel leaking in the back of her eye due to a lot of pressure. Once again i tried my best to attend all her doctors appointment and got her the help that she needed. Allahdililah it is stabled but still dangerous but for now she is on the safe side and still needs treatment every month..,
In regards to marriage - the boy from over seas i did tell my father and mother that i was not wanting to marry this boy, and if i do its like them marrying him for themselves. On several occassions i have mentioned to my father i am not interested in him. Since he is hot headed he does not listen and says its all in gods hand he chose him for you and watch how beautiful your life would turn out.
My mother every time she looks at me she see how much i am burning and im in pain but continues to tell me she cant do anything about it.
I am not hating my parents for making me marry this guy i am just hurt by my fathers action and no matter what i say he seems not to listen and its why i feel like killing myself cause i cant seem to please them at all. On this note i dont want to walk into a relationship being a dead person my heart is literally taken away from me i rather not marry and stay in the boys memory then have the thought of spending my life with someone who sees me as an asset.
with the boy oh all god knows how much i have been praying and how much i have been trying to distant myself from him Only god knows how much i want to be on the right path. I tried he tried and how some we fail. And where back to square one, OH only allah knows how much i hate disobeying him i dont know to express it in words if i cant forgive myself for disappointing allah then you can imagine how hurt i am ..
While helping my family i have lost myself in it. My sisters and brother are all pulled out of the hole and I, i believe i have left myself behind and now no one is willing to help to get me pulled out of there. Its like they like to push me to see how much i can bend for them. I dont want to commit such sin that i will never be forgiven but i cant explain it it literally feels like they pushing me towards that way leaving me with no choice.
And what makes me even more hurt is that my so called fiance didnt even want me he just said give me any of your daughters i believe. And he put the lowest price on me as if i was literally nothing. And i feel like i HAVE TO BUY MY RESPECT AND DIGNITY FROM HIM THROUGH MATERIAL THINGS. THIS IS HOW WRONG MY CULTURE IS.. AND FOR THOSE WHO THOUGHT I WAS PAKISTANIAN NO I AM NOT.
I know i wont marry the boy cause i can picture the damage it will cause to my parents and ALLAH but how can you forget something that has soul so easily, How can you forget someone that been a big part of your life. I did not want a relationship with i BEGGED ALLAH TO HELP ME TO DESTROY WHAT WE HAVE TO STOP IT WHEN IT FIRST HAPPENED CAUSE I KNEW THIS TEST I WOULD FAIL HEAVILY BUT it felt like it got stronger and stronger.. AND NOW I PRAY TILL TODAY AND IF THERE IS GOODNESS IN LIFE FOR ME KEEP ME ALIVE.. BUT IF THERE IS NO GOODNESS IN LIFE FOR THEN BRING ME DEATH..
I ONLY HAVE A COUPLE OF DAYS LEFT TO HAND IN THE FINAL DOCUMENT TO BRING THE SO CALLED FIANCE HERE. And its scarring the living ... of me. I literally fall on my knees and start crying my heart beats so fast and i literally feel like i am about to faint. And that is only thinking about it.
I have taken every ones advise into consideration and am trying my best to find the courage to leave this boy and try to find the beauty of this marriage hope and patients. But i dont know how strong i am to deal with it and go through it. i am scared if i fail and not go through with it am scared if shaytan eventually catches up to me and takes over me. I know my mistakes and am completely aware of my sins i recognise them very well but believe i never wanted to be in such circumstances. With the boy he just happened to be there to help get through this while i was helping my family to recover and i was the one asking them how they are no one asked besides him. ANd to have someone do that is so meaningful and heart touching. I only had him. And to let go of that i wish and pray noone on this earth goes through what i went through i had to battle through the most dark side of emotions family troubles and holding onto hope was so hard and for now for me it still is. I dont know what i am going to do next i know no matter how many times i say no to the marriage its still going to go through my whole family knows i dont want it and its only cause of my parents that i have stayed quite no one is stopping it and if they try my dad does not let them get to him. I still have people ask for my hand till now even though they know i am taking and my dad does not considers it what so ever. I believe he must be blinded by it all i dont know why he would torture his daughter so even when i cried to him it looked like he did not care at all. You know how some people shows yea they care and are interested in what you say but then you it is only going through one ear and out the other. and nothing matters besides his thoughts.
Anyway like i said thank you so much for all your time i tried turning to all the muslims website and noone got up to me and i felt like not even my own brothers and sisters will listen to me and it pushed me more to a dark corner until i found this website by accident and every day i used to check to see i got replies but then i stopped checking cause i had exams and when i checked it today i was sooo happy and it literally gave me that spark of hope. Reading all your comments made me realise hope and allah i know he is listening you guys gave me that little more patients again. Some comments that you brothers and sisters wrote made me cry and God bare witness it touch my heart to have someone understand my situation and still find positiveness in it. I thank you all.
Your duas and support will be always in my heart and in my prayers
Walakom asalam.
Take care
Bye
Salam again
just on regards to the immigration paper work everything has been done cause during the time i was given away my parents pressured me to fill it out and hired a lawyer and finish it off now all they are waiting for is that one document to finish off everything and its why i turned to you guys.
ANyway i wrote i huge response to this matter of immigration but it all got deleted and i have to get back to my work so if there are any further q's message dont hesitate to ask i am willing to explain if it means to get more advise.
Once again thank you all for your time
Take care
bye
Also i would personally like to take the time to thank Raja for your time and wisdom or words to replying such a beautiful analytical response and ofcorse everyone else thank you too.
Thank you May allah bless you all thank you
Salaam waleikum waragmatoelah hibrakatoe dear sister Mariam,
Let me start this time by asking how you are ? How is your health ? I am doing perfect and Alhamdulilah for everything, I am also healthy!
In your reply post I am reading certain disturbing things.
*My dad looks through me like he doesn't care
*They are trying to see how far I can go (break)
*My mom says she cannot do anything
*My uncles everyone else cannot convince him (not even you yourself)
*Take evil spirit out of mum
*Dissapointing Allah
*Only had him (the boy)
*Shaytaan
This will be my follow up advice post for you:
Regarding my last post if you keep to the steps you should be fine. Ill give you an answer upon your reply.
First of all my apologies if I said anything wrong to hurt you or anyway if I have ''scarred'' you. Please forgive me. Also I thought you were Pakistani because of the fact how you describe it that is also exacly how it goes ''down'' in pakistani families. But upon further consideration I am tending to figure out that almost every middle-east culture is focused on honour, respect and/or culture traditions.
Me being Pakistani I can totally understand your position, I am just lucky by gods blessing to be male and not to find myself in such pressuring positions as the females are at the moment unfortunately. Now you making me think about this I will tell you quickly a short story about me personally, InshAllah might it help you.
Oke back to you!!!
Let me be straight to you
1. Your dad looks through you, well that means he does not respect your oppinion or decisions and believes his is superior or it is that he is afraid that your oppinion is one that might hurt you therefore stubborn for your goodness. (It is what he thinks, this may not be case as you have presented it yourself)
Since the only thing left to do for your fiance to get here, is that final piece of paper you have in your possession.
Now you are left with a choice yes or no.
Here let me help you, I won't help you cheat, but I will help you activate your brain.
clue: Do the right thing. The thing that Allah would love. Remember me telling you something about your own right and what happens when you ignore them ?
Remember when you do wrong then bad things happen
when you do good then right things happen.
hope you see the difference.
Rip the paper and tell you lost it. if your to afraid to do my other point which is go to your parents and tell them you won't hand in the paper and you won't marry him. Don't argue with them, just say that and remain there to listen to what they will have to say, Do not reply to their words or whatever they might say because they might say
do you not want to obey Allah ?
And I know you sincerely love Allah and love islam therefore you want to do whatever Allah tells you to.
But look at how they might ask the question.
When you say Yes you admit your wrong, When you say No you are also wrong ? see the problem its a lose - lose situation.
same like someone asking you did you mom get out of jail.
and you can only answer with yes or no.
You will be like what ? She was never in Ja..... Only yes or no !!
See the problem ? If you say yes it means she has been to jail if you say no it means she is still in jail.
Parents know their kids too well so trust me when I say they know how to get under your skin and to ask the right question to corner you psychologically. Don't fall for it.
Think about this aya:
}وَ قَضى رَبُّكَ أَلاَّ تَعْبُدُوا إِلاَّ إِيَّاهُ وَ بِالْوَالِدَيْنِ إِحْسَاناً إِمَّا يَبْلُغَنَّ
عِنْدَكَ الْكِبَرَ أَحَدُهُمَا أَوْ كِلاَهُمَا فَلاَ تَقُلْ لَهُمَا أُفٍّ وَ لاَ تَنْهَرْهُمَا وَ
قُلْ لَهُمَا قَوْلاً كَرِيـماً {
“And your Lord has commanded that you shall not serve (any) but Him, and that you shall show goodness to your parents. If either or both of them reach old age with you, say not to them (so much as) “Ugh” nor chide them, and speak to them a generous word.”
Noble Qur’an, Surat Bani Isra’il (17) Verse 23
You cannot even say so much as Ugh to your parents, with this if you think. Allah is also basically telling you to just be quiet...Just be quiet when they speak. Because whatever they say good or bad they are your parents, Allah is protecting you, can't you see it ?
So if you parents are trying to trap you with words to make you do what they say
whats your answer? just be quiet, sabir and stand firm in your decision.
If you parents are trying to compliment you or do good for you
Whats your answer? Mostly you will be shy or out of humitly what will you do ? you will stay quiet.
So therefore I hope you understand my answer towards your dad. If nothing seems to help him the only thing can is Allah and has always been. Just be sure to stand firm in your decision don't falter...just please don't....When you truly believe in Allah it always turns out for good.
(just in case to be on the safe side, mention to your father if you do want to marry that you are prepared to marry someone else and they should find him for you and if your not, tell your dad you want to focus on study and get your masters or career, whatever will make them happy.) (Um..I dont want to say this and I don't think it can but there is a possibility if there is talking of killing or anything dangerous don't run away record it and tell him if he tries anything you'l report him and the recording is at a friends) Then you won't lose your dad and he probably will calm down. Just never go overseas into another country with him.... But yeah I hope you realise this is last moment resort, I know you do not want to leave your family nobody does, so running away isn't going to help you that much. therefore this dispicble technique but yeah strength can be beaten by wisdom...)
*They are trying to see how far I can go (break)
*My mom says she cannot do anything
*My uncles everyone else cannot convince him (not even you yourself)
*Take evil spirit out of mum
*Dissapointing Allah
*Only had him (the boy)
*Shaytaan
2. Don't let them test you simple, If they are doing something inapproriate to you, speak up. Tell them you do not appreciate it and do not like it and want them to stop doing it. But this is general every family does this to a certain family member, just have strength and sabir sweet sister, Allah would not put this burden on you if he knew you would not be able to handle it. he does because he knows you can bear it.
He said: "There is no qabd (extension) and bast (contraction) except that in it there is for God a purpose, a decree, and a trial. [6]
The believers will be tested
Allah, the Most High says:
“Alif-Laam-Meem. Do people think that they will be left alone because they say: ‘We believe’, and will not be tested? And We indeed tested those who were before them. And Allah will certainly make known, those who are true, and will certainly make known those who are liars.”
(Al-Qur’an 29:1-3)
Explanation
“Do people think that they will be left alone because they say: “We believe,” and will not be tested?”. This is a rebuke in the form of a question, meaning that Allah will inevitably test His believing servants according to their level of faith. The stronger the religious commitment, the stronger the test.” [Tafsir ibn Kathir]
Do you see that Allah is testing you upon your faith, if you find this dificult Wallahi you should know that Allah loves you !!! YES HE LOVESSS YOUUU !!!! If you are going through hell right now, Imagine how much love he has for you, Imagine what you will receive in Jannah, InshAllah.
Damn you should be loving this, He is testing you, He is seeing how far you can go and you will do for him!!! SoebhaanAllah. I depends on yourself sister how far do you wanna go ???
3. Your mom saying she cannot do anything is a lie. She can but there can be underlying reasons.
1. she is manipulated
2. she is afraid
3. she agrees with him but doesn't tell you
4. she doesn't understand it, thus not feeling the emotion to act
there can be many more underlying reasons, but I am just letting you know that if a person wants something he can. So she can too, she might just be underpowered.....
Here you can be the change, you can be the first statement and stay strong against your dad for this unjustice. That might give her the chance and thought to think about her own life and reflect upon it. Making her Imaan & deen strong as wel... Do you know what kind of effect this will have on your brothers and sisters, if they see you standing up for yourself ? It gives people hope, faith and love.
Be the change, And if you don't want to be it for Allah, Do it for yourself, If you dont want to do it for yourselves do it for others around you. Don't let it go to waste. This chance, This Change, This Oppertunity.
4. your uncles no one can convince him ? Somewhat I doubt this you know why...I am not saying all people are the same. You should always try to see the good in others, but I am just saying don't get stupid. Were you there when they tried to convince him ? did you see it with your own eyes, or are you just hearing reports...
If you actually were there, then this proves to you once again why you reallly realllllyyy reallllllyyyyy shouldn't do what he wants you to do.
5. Take even spirit out of mum. Can this be one of the underlying reasons why she is not deciding to help you ? Either way I do believe in jins they are real. But I just don't believe in the fact that they can take us over. As Allah as always given us control over ourselves.
Either way I don't know much about this topic so I'll shut up (did kind of also did this to my little brother) and now he showing weird behaviour. Like neglecting orders and things people say to him, like he doesnt care. sounds like a teenage boy but it is different, can't explain.
I do advise you to do some islamic research on this to find out more about this, so you can understand it better and respond or relate to certain things in life with.
6. I really believe you when you say you do not want to dissapoint Allah. Therefor I tell you again this is a trial that you can surpass if you want to. Just need to do the right thing sister. Find other sister friends. Do dua to Allah to let you gain some true muslimah friends.
But this contact with this boy is one of things that is keeping you from the straight path. If you tried then you haven't tried hard enough. You can and you will if you do it!!!! I BELIEVE IN YOU, YES ME I BELIEVE IN YOU 100% I WOULD EVEN BET MY LIFE ON IT!!! I know you can and will do it.
Now believe in yourself and do the right thing.
7. Your saying that you only had him the boy. Well thats wrong...You always had Allah you just made the decision to always turn to the boy. That made your feelings grow for him and stick to him like glue. But even glue can be mastered and removed!!!!...
Fix your priorities Allah first then the rest. Allah has always been there for you. When you were a little cell, When you first started breathing, When you took your first steps, When you were in good health and good times, When you were in bad health and bad times. ALWAYS! how can you turn him down now ? Know who has always been there for you then you will see, who was helping you more the boy or Allah. (I'm sorry if this comes over very harsh or rude, Its not my intention to hurt you, but I hope its a eye-opener)
8. My last but not least point Shaytaan..... If you read my story, from there you can conclude and see how this evil goes to work. You also see how to counter it.
btw if you are really bothered by shaytaan like 24/7 constantly you have to know that you are doing so good and are so close to Allah that he literally is dying from inside out and doesn't want you to have that....
Know what it means.... He's jealous, the same way your ex-friend (the jealous girl).
This also tells you that all that you are doing momentarily is the right thing and he is verifying it for you...SoebhaanAllah... See positive in everything !! You can beat the shaytaan you know how I know ?
Small story: when the shaytaan came to the prophet peace and blessings be upon him the Prophet peace and blessings be upon him asked the saytaan the cursed iblies what would you do when you would see this man walking (the prophet peace and blessings be upon him pointed at one of his companions, don't know the exact person) The saytaan cursed iblies replied I would run away in fear, I do not even dare to even come close to him!!! this story is from a long story when the saytaan came to the prophet peace and blessings be upon him. So its a cut of a whole long story.But for you to see look at how scared the shaytaan was, also the shaytaan was not allowed to lie because he was sent there to the prophet peace and blessings be upon him on command of Allah and if he lied Allah would turn him into the ash he was created from. So shaytaan didnt even dare.
Can you see ? Shaytaan was scared to even come close to this companion. Thats how strong their imaan and deen was that it could even scare of the shaytaan. SoebhaanAllah. Look how much we have weakened in our Ummah.
Sister you can do this to, thats why exacly the wife of the prophet peace and blessings upon him and her were such a good examples for us to life by!!!! They proved to us the things that can, so no one can say its not possible, so we can and we will doo itt dear sister!!!
Now I am finishing my mile long reply sorry if I wrote to much for you.
But I really care about all my brothers and sisters and If I can I would do anything for you all. May Allah guide us All, May Allah bless us all and May Allah do whats best for us All, Ameen.
All glory and thanks belongs to Allah, so please thank only him because he is the one that deserve it and he is the one from where all good comes from.
Please if I said anything hurtfull or something inappropriate forgive me It was never my intention to hurt you or anything I just wanted to help you.
I hope this post was of any use to you and of any help.
I wish you all the best and if there is something I can do for you, Please let me know.
Allah Mo Aleem. Allah knows best and all. Ya Allah please forgive me if I said anything wrong or did anything wrong. You are the knower of all and doer of all good, Forgive me ya Allah, forgive me All-Ghafur. Ameen.
Salaam waleikum waragmatoelah hibrakatoe.
PS: I FORGOT TO MENTION VERY IMPORTANT DO NOT LET THAT PAPER GET IN POSSESSION OF ANYONE ELSE, ESPECIALLY NOT YOUR DAD!!!!! DO NOT SIGN ANY OTHER PAPERS ANYMORE YOU GET!!!! FROM NOW ON IF YOU REJECTED AND STOOD YOUR GROUND BE VERY ALERT AND CAREFULL, THEY WILL TRY TO TRICK YOU !!!!
Back again sorry, about the boy problem.
This helped me, I hope it helps you and makes you realise what true love is.
How could I be a faithful man to you when I try to break your chastity? How would I be faithful to you if I push you to betray your family? How could I trust a love which grew under Allah’s wrath? To love you means to protect you, to preserve you not to kill what is beautiful in you. Don’t be easy because then, I may not value you. Don’t love me now, so I won’t hate you! My heart wants you and doesn’t want to lose you. I don’t want you to be just a passing fancy to me, I want you a wife, a lover, the mother of my children, I want you to be the one I will spend my whole life with in obedience to Allaah - Unknown
(Words to be written in Gold, SubhanAllah Love for the sake of Allah is what is called True Love)
If you don't understand it, well ask if you really want to know. but try to figure it out and you'l see how beautifull it actually is.
It made me realise what true love is and if I wanted the one I ''loved'' then how to get to that person.
Excellent reply Raja, may allah always keep you in a right path so you can help this ummah.
Mariam the desicion is yours my sister, but no one can give you mawa3itha like this brother. may allah reward you abundantly brother
Dear bro raja
Salamulaikom and how are you? I have read your post recently and sorry I couldn't get back to asap. Here's is an update of my situation and to further get guidance from the all wiser and from those that know better then me before doing ths istakhara prayer.
Ok well it's been almost a week since the boy that I love has gone overseas on trip and to give me time to sort out my life he won't be back for about a month or more not sure. So I have taken this time to truly take advantage of my religion and give my full attention to Allah. With no distraction.
So far I want to finish reading the Quran and try my beat to pray five times a day and hopefully this will give me guidance or enough courage to do what ever is right..
With my fiancé it's too late to brake it off well I believe that here's the reason why-
It's been over 2 years since I have been given away to him.
My mother has already bought all the things eg couches kicthen wear and everything else for our house it's stored away
And the ring is ready we specifically went to design it and its ready..
So basically everything is set my mother did this all cause she knows how much I don't want it but he has tried to make me happy by buying me all this material stuff and when the ring got ready I just thought to myself I don't want all this I don't this fancy expensive dress, ring, house and so on all I want is the boy...
And this is the reason why it's so hard to let him go. Above you have given me really good explanation of love and to tell the truth I read it over and over and over to find anything wrong with the boy so I can use it against and find the mental strength to leave him. But I can't beause your poem say that I should find someone that will help me get closer to god Allah and practice my religion.. And so when to tell you the truth even though he is not a muslim he makes me literally tells me off why I am not praying to god why I am not understanding the prayers when I prayer jn English instead of just reading it he makes me find the meaning of every prayer I do so I can understand the prayer better and understand what I am saying to god. He encourages me to fast he at times fasts with me during Ramadan. He wants me to find true meaning of Ramadan he even fasted for us to be together And god give him strength to have me.. he encourages me to go to Muslims lectures and classes and become wiser in who I am. So I can learn defend my religion in the proper way. He strongly disagrees in me doing anything against my parents will. He wants to come and beg for my hand he is willing to sit there and beg my parents he does not want to do it in the wrong way what so ever. Now you see if this guy was tricking me then wouldn't you think a normal guy would give up on the act after few months or even a year but it's been like this for 3 years I am sure a normal guy wouldnt fight for a girl for that long. He love his religion but he does want me to convery he wants me to practice it further and in the rightfull way. Everytime we talk about religion I say something about Islam he searches it up and reads about it. Finds the correct details. Now you see I might be blind but please tell me how can I forget about him how can I move on. He is haram for me then why is he still in mylife I don't want to dance with the devil anymore I want to follow allah's beautiful path but why is it so hard why can't I just remove him. I swear it is in the back of my mind 24/7 what I am doing to make Allah and the messenger pbuh upset and sometimes I go so deep into the thought that i start to laugh and at the same time I cry my head of because of what I am doing. I laugh because of how sweet he is and cry becaue of how much I am making Allah and all the messengers upset. I am still so confused and feel like I have no choice. And why is shaytaan making the sound of death so sweet in my head I am scared if he takes over my soul and I loose to him. I am so confused please help me I am sorry I might sound stupid and childish and naive but trut me if I didnt need advise I wouldn't be begging for it. I dont want my parents to find out and be ashamed of me and at that point loose evrything I have. That day in it's own will kill me alive.
Thank you
May Allah protect everyone from this devil.
Take care bye
I was meant to say he does not want to me convert into anything except practice my religion more often so I can get closer to god.. He encourages
Me to teach our kids if we ever do get married and get together Islam and our religion. In addition he does not want to ruin my family or make my parents upset and hate me it's why he wants to do it the right but the right way will destroy my parents and if they find out they will I don't know it's too hard for me to I Imagine there reaction too all this... Anyway continue with the above story I had to say this cause when I was re reading this this part did not make sense so yea
Walaikom Salam
salam sister
i have read all the advice people have given you, such good advice and so pratical. BUT it seems that you are not willing to take any of it. You seem to be going around in circles, from 'boy i love, to 'fiancee i don't love, to my family will kill me'. Its all going around and around without any movement in the right direction.
The sad thing is that you seem very very intelligent and knowledgable about your din- you're aware that you are in the wrong in terms of your relationship with the 'boy' but at the same time you refuse to act upon this wrong and and correct it- SO therefore there is nothing anyone else can do for you. Had you been ignorant of your wrong in this aspect it would be easy not to judge you and point you in the right direction, that is not the case- you already know the right direction- you just don't want to walk that way- yet.
I'm sorry, I'm not taking your circumstances lightly, only it seems to me that your priorities are wrong at this moment in time.
Your first priority should be to break off your engagment, and if by some twisted sense of loyality to your parents you do not wish to do that then you MUST break off your haram relationship with the boy, esp since he is not even Muslim.
Putting everyone else aside, you need to be true to yourself... your time, this time will never return, everything you sow today you will reap the fruits of that five years, ten years, 15 years down the line- so sister my simple advice to you is be careful- take care of your spiritual needs to the utmost.
May God help you, all my prayers are with you.
Hi again Sister Alsalam mu Alaikum
What sister hafsa said is true.Everyone here is trying all of his best to give a good advice and to help you.Especially brother Raja he had given u many good advice and many good solutions to solve your problem.Think how much time everyone here takes to read your post and give you an advice that will help through your problem.You should at least appreciate the help of everyone here.And try to take even one of them.
sister your problem is that you turning away from Allah thats why you fell miserable & think dead is only your way out.Allah(swt)said(But whoever turns away from My reminder i.e neither believes in the Quran nor acts on its teaching, verily for him is a life of hardship,and We shall raise him up blind on the Day of Resurrection.)
See sister you have a very precious heart dear sister.Your heart is tearing everyday because of what you are causing to yourself.You know very well sister what you doing is wrong but in the other world it seem to you that your are doing the right thing.As bro Raja said your problem is that you are always turning to your boy-fr and you are not turning to Allah(swt).You think that your boy-fr makes you happy and comfort and cheers you up.You mention that he is encouraging you to practice your religion but even if he does all this for you do u ever fell calm?do you think that Allah is pleased with you?and if your parents come to know about your relationship what will happen?
He might be encouraging you to practice your religion and come more closer to Allah if he is doing all this for you then why cant he not revert to Islam?if he knows islam better then you why cant he not encourage himself also to become a muslim?if he is not willing to convert to Islam then marriage between you both is invalid.And your relationship is still haram with him.Dont say that he is good guy and encourages you to come more closer to Allah but do you ever fell that you are close to Allah?do you fell that u gain Allahs pleasure with your relationship with this him?
Dont ever try to seek Allahs pleasure in the wrong way.Dont ever wait for some one who will come and say to you pray,fast or do good deeds.Stand up by yourself and work out with your problem.Come more closer to Allah and regain your faith again with Allah.You know very well the result of your actions .Why do you keep on punishing yourself sister.This boy whom you love he might be trying to help you get more closer to Allah but are you getting closer to Allah or getting more closer to this boy.Your relationship with this boy is not at all getting you closer to Allah it makes you far away.It makes your life miserable it makes you think of Allahs punishment,committing suicide,and thinking your perants will kill you.You are ruining your life dear sister your parents are ignoring your rights but do you think that your doing the right thing to solve your problems?you are suffering from your parents and also your are suffering from you boy-fr even though he loves you.nothing you gain from him instead pain and suffer.
You might still think that he loves you and that he is the only one who will make you happy and solve your problems.But just ask yourself will he be able to help at the time of your last breath in this world?will he be able to help you when you will be alone in your grave?will he be able to help when you in the day of judgement?will he be able to help you to enter the paradise and save you from hell?Who do you think can do this all for you?Allah is the only one whom you should turn to seek His guidance.This boy can help only in this world but one day you are going to be alone no one will be ever to help you not even your boy-fr whom you love or the most closer people to you.But only Allah will help you.
precious sister try to regain your faith with Allah.Love Allah more then anything in this world your life is all in His hand.From reading your reply makes me realize that you have faith in Allah because you knew what you are doing is wrong but u must try to step forward Pray salatul-al tahujjud every night at 3 o,clock,spend more time reading quran and do dua.if you strength your faith and your love with Allah it will be very easy for you to forget this boy.Shaitan always whispered to those who are weak in their faith with Allah because they are less faith & fear in Allah and they easily fall in a sin without caring about its danger.
Allah(swt)said(verily,those who have turned back as disbelievers after the guidance has been manifested to them-shaitan has beautified for them (their false hopes).
sister the right way has been shown to you and the wrong way has been shown to you so the choice is yours.shaitan is sweeten your sins to you thats why you find difficult in ending your relationship with this boy he might be nice and helps u a lot but this is one of shaitans steps to drug you to the darkness.the person that loves you will never drive you to dis-obey Allah.so sister dont follow your own lust your vain desires try to choose the right solution to your problems.Dont let your lust destroy your life dont let shaitan control over your heart.Be strong in your faith in Allah & u will be able to defeat the whispered of shaitan.even if you dont take our advice think that you are doing this for the sake of Allah & not for us. think of what i say and sorry if was harsh to you in any word.My intention was not at all to hurt you dear.And the choice is up to you.sorry if my response was long i am really trying to help sister.It might be a test to you from Allah to see how faithful you are in Him.And Allah knows best.
May Allah bless u and help you out.your sis Saja.
"I know what I am doing is haram in every way but I swear I Love this boy to death and so does he"
my blessed sis in islam, my prayers are with you, but you cannot love a nonmuslim or have mawaddah towards him. Leave him, or ask him to revert and worship his lord alone!!
May Allah Ta'ala make it easy for you, Mariam. I cannot even imagine what you are going through!! I am very amazed and impressed by how much effort and concern people can put into a single comment to help somebody they do not even know! Alhamdulillah! May Allah reward each and every person who makes a positive/helpful/encouraging comment..aameen
assalaamu alaikum,
wat i would like to say is..leave it to ALLAH. an ask ALLAH for all the solutions...if u do what ALLAH wants u to do ..then he would do what u want him to do for u....thats sure..
an then have a discussion with ur famiy, choosing a time and kindly revealing wat u want them to know....
the best eprson to discus with is mom..cuz they understand their daughters than anyone except ALLAH.
DONT LET ur self down,,,u will ruin ur health an wil hav no appetite to do anything....
and suiside is not a solution..people having inexplicable troubles think evry problems ends ther...bt a tru muslim should not ever tak that thing in mind...there no suicide....,..problem ends only if u face the challenges with courage and..take all these as challenges and work for it....
everyhting doesnt happen in own..all these problems u are facing comes from no one ..but ALLAH is testing you giving these sorts of things....to see how you would react an what u would do in these situations..so dont forget that ALLAH is there..and would help you if u are on the right path asking help from him and also repenting......
whatever ALLAh does happens for good.....
One of my friend having a problem with a broken love faced physical problems for three months..its the level of worries she had ..caused the physical problem ...im not mentioing...but now se is happy...u know wat?! she is going to get married to another man..an both are happy with eachothr an she has forgotten her past completly cuz of the happines shes having now...
so ALLAH does all thse for ur own good....HE does these for a reason..there is nothing in the world hapening without a reason....
make duas...
pray thahajjud, isthikara...an ask for forgivenss an repent..
just wana coment about ths issue ..for anyone having troubes...not only for one..but for anyone having trouble this would be right
(May ALLAH endows peace , ease and contentment on the lives of brothers and sister,insha allah)
jazakallahair
Dear bro and sis
how are you all? Does anyone know how to delete this article. I got my answers and now wish to delete it. Can someone please help me to delete published article such as this one. I have tried through WordPress but am not able to. I have no idea from whom to ask help from so if anyone knows please let me know. Thank you'
Walaikom Asalam