Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Poor family boundaries, and I’m tired of it

A road split open from an earthquake

Salam everyone,

I need advice on family matters. I am the youngest of 4 siblings. Being the youngest has never been easy, my opinions on matters has never been regarded. I have to respect everyone, but it is OK for them to disrespect or talk down to me.

Both my elder sisters bully me since I was young, like how sibling rivalry would occur, hard earned cash being stolen, properties being stolen or used without permission - everyone thinks I have been doted on but truthfully it has been otherwise.

There are times when I took back my things and got beaten up. Who is rude in the first place? Up until today I wish I could punch her face until it distorts. She leads the life of LBGTQ, and would bring her companions home. My mother would dote them. Once she accused me of wearing her companion's footwear. She would create stories and lies about me to my mother just to make my mother be angry at me. I stopped being nice to them, or better still- ignore them, because they get jealous for stupid reasons.

My other sister is married, a mother of 4, has a house but chose to move in and stay with my parents. It was frustrating as she proclaimed to own the house. She leaves her entire responsibility to my aging mother, who would always relent. She uses my parents home address to settle outstanding loans, so once in a while, debt collectors will harass the house. When she got married, she took some of my bags and clothes with her without my permission. When I found out and confronted her, she said that my mother gave them to her. Her sister-in-law did the exact same thing to her after that.

I was afraid that with all this coming to light, I would not get married. A small voice inside me started to question. I was especially afraid of my future husband meeting my father. He has a foul mouth, he speaks loudly and uses vulgarity in his speech. He hates his grandkids and speaks very rough to them. He has a fear that his children might embarrass him, but he has no care in the world if he embarrasses the children.

I am at a turning point. My father does not care if he is naked in front of me. He doesn't lower his gaze and I have advised him, but he simply said that he didn't know I was around. This doesn't happen once but plenty of times, as our rooms are opposite each other. My mother, on the other hand, does not share the room with him anymore, and has since made the living room entirely hers, even getting dressed in front of my nephews.

So I thought of giving up my room and finding my own place. It is hard to focus on prayers with tv, handphone noises, screaming etc. always going on.

-sefina

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2 Responses »

  1. I'm sorry to hear about your family dynamics...it must be difficult to constantly be undermined, lied to and stolen from. I know a lot of families are near impossible to have a civilised and rational conversation with - so advising you to talk to your family may be a pointless advice to give. Talking only makes a difference is the people you are talking to are willing to listen and acknowledge your point of view...which it sounds like your family isn't. In which case, I really have no other advice than for you to be patient, store your valuables in a storage warehouse or the bank and wait until you're old enough to move out of your parents' house to gain some needed independence. For now, please focus on your studies, working and saving up your money.

  2. OP: I am at a turning point. My father does not care if he is naked in front of me. He doesn't lower his gaze and I have advised him, but he simply said that he didn't know I was around. This doesn't happen once but plenty of times, as our rooms are opposite each other. My mother, on the other hand, does not share the room with him anymore, and has since made the living room entirely hers, even getting dressed in front of my nephews.

    Why is your father getting naked in front of you often? Do you guys have doors that you can close? If it happens plenty of times you may be doing some thing to encourage his behavior. Your father's behavior towards your nephew nieces should be watched.

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