Islamic marriage advice and family advice

The guy I love wants sex before marriage

Asalaamailkum brothers and sisters

Im writing to you as I'm very depressed and frustrated. I love a guy more than anything but not more than Allaah swt. I have been in a relationship with him for an year now. He has many bad habits as drinking, smoking cigarettes and weed and cursing/swearing. He also cheated on me several times by having cybersex with other girls, I caught him and said I want to leave him but then he cried and said he won't repeat so I forgave him.

Once we were together we became physical, I didn't let him take my virginity but it was very intimate and close. And it happened several times during a week. I didn't want it to happen but he kind of forced me and seduced me so I lost control and let him do things to me.

After that I feel terrible about it but I can't change the past even though I regret it a lot. I feel so much guilt. He is now asking me to have sex with him before marriage as we can't marry now because he doesn't have a job, and he has many loans he has to pay back so he can't take care of me.  I told him that I won't allow him to do it with me before we marry, but now he is threatening me by saying he will sleep with girls if I don't let him sleep with me because he can't control it. I'm sure if he ever gets a chance to sleep with another girl, he will do it and that breaks my heart.

He also said that he wants to leave me because I keep asking him to stop drinking and smoking and turn to Allaah swt and he thinks it's frustrating and our relationship is broken. He tells me that I'm weak because I cry each time he hurts me and I forgive him easily. I was heartbroken when he said that he wants to leave me because now that I have been physical with him I feel like I must marry him and I belong to him. So I cried and begged him to be with me and promised I won't ever interfere in his bad habits like drinking, cursing, smoking or sleeping with other girls. And since that day whenever he has done something bad, I have just ignored it and let Allaah swt open his eyes to the truth and guide him to the right path.

Brothers and sisters in Islam, I know having a relationship without Nikaah is haraam, but I really love this guy and want to marry him. But it seems like he is just taking advantage of my patience and doesn't really appreciate me. I don't want to leave him, I feel like I can't marry anyone else beside him. I have other marriage proposals too, but I don't think its fair to marry someone else when I really am in love with this guy and feel like I belong to him after being physical with him. If I marry anyone else I would feel like I'm cheating on my husband by being with him physically and being in love with someone else emotionally.

He is so blinded, he can't see how wrong he is. Even when he does something bad he doesn't seem to regret it (Allaah knows best). But he is a Muslim and he does have knowledge about Islam, he knows it's wrong but he still does it. His amal can't become much worse than it already is. He has ruined my self confidence. I'm really miserable all the time. I have pain in my chest, I can't focus or think of anything else and it has been this way for months and have even become suicidal but I won't do such a sin - insha'Allaah I won't harm myself as I know it's a big sin.

Please help me. What should I do? What is my mistake? Why is he treating me this way? How can I help him in an Islamic manner? How can I help myself through this hard time? I pray and cry in my prayers to Allaah swt and ask for forgiveness. But I don't know what else to do so our relationship becomes better. How can I guide him to the right path? I pray for him but is there more I can do? What change should I have in my behavior to make him appreciate me more and make him become a better muslim?  Please help me as I feel like my life is falling apart and I feel helpless.

Please share your own life experience and advice with me.

May Allaah swt bless you all.


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42 Responses »

  1. Walaikumsalam sister right solution is 'LEAVE' him as soon as possible i know u love him ,I know it is easy to suggest Leave him but difficult for you to implement But 1st and foremost thing is that in the process of loving him you are losing yourself, your dignity & your love emotions which should b reserve for god fearing man and he is not that man in any sense I know Allah can guide him anytime he wants but for now its better for u to leave him becoz remember he will keep calling you for zina & believe me sister that 'Weak' moment can happen in your life any time becoz u love him but for him it is 'Lust' not love .Do u want miserable life after marriage ?would like your children to have role model ,Teacher, guide like him ?
    And for the part where u want to help him becoming bettr muslim is that please introduce him to some local mosques imams they can guide him better & leave him by saying You Love Allah more than him & if he loves you then he should try to become good muslim by following principles of Islam, namaaz ,zakat,Fast and by controlling his 'nafs' Make all these points clear to him and then see whther he is trying to mend his ways or not. It is test for your love and if he chooses all his bad habits above you then recognized this fact and for your own sake for your peaceful life pleaseeee leave him ! There could b no gud future with drug addict,womaniser or casonova man like him ! How can u tolerate when he does cyberchat with other women ? How can u respect him who openly says he will sleep with another woman ? Who only wants your body? Pathetic plsssss sister I care for you as you are my sister in Islam plss donot let him trapped you in the sin Of Zina leave him

    • Salam bro/sis, thank u for ur helpful advice. i really appreciate it.
      U know after i made this post, i came to know that he has been sleeping with two other girls and had affair with them. I was so heartbroken. I confronted him, and he admitted it and told me he is feeling guilty, and he has cut contact with them now.
      I know he is just lying to me, and trying to keep me with him so he can marry me and still have affair with the girls who give him their body. As for me, i don't want to meet him again unless he wants to do nekah, because i don't want to repeat what happened before. I will tell him clearly that if he really loves me, he should try to become a good muslim, not for my sake but for his own sake and he should please Allah swt. maybe then there will come barakat in our marriage, if we marry.
      The hard part for me is that i feel so hurt, i have become weak emotionally and i feel helpless at times. i love him a lot, its not lust from my side, if it was lust i wouldn't care about his amal and character, but i do, i want him to be a good muslim..
      thank u for ur kind answer, i appreciate it. may Allah swt bless u

      • I am glad my suggestion helps u a little bit ,you know your reply has all the answers u r searching for ,You already knew the Reason why he wants to marry you becoz he knows you will accept him with all his bad habits ! & he can emotionally blackmail you that is why you r feasible option for him to continue his bad actions without any remorse n guilt. Just remind youself 'I m strong,I m respected muslimah,Allah loves me & I will leave him for Allah's Love & blessings Good luck siso ! May Allah bestow You with strength of character to fight with this evil situation !

  2. Zohra - Please dump him he is no good. Please do not ruin yourself. This guy is waste of space and no relationship of B/F or G/F exist in Islam.

    PLEASE DO NOT LOSE YOUR VIRGINITY BEFORE MARRIAGE. He is just using you once its gone he will say his goodbye's and move onto the next poor girl.

    CUT ALL CONTACT WITH HIM AND DO NOT LOSE YOUR VIRGINITY BEFORE MARRIAGE. You deserve so much better the boundaries are there for a very good reason dont abuse that trust in Allah and your parents isszat/honor.

    Go for the proposals that are coming your way this is a blessing from Allah. I also think you are really blind to see the good in front of you because you have allowed yourself to be emotionally involved in a haraam relationship and Allah is showing you get out while you can.

    • Hello sister,
      U r absolutely right. I have no intention to meet him again because i know its hard to control when u love someone this much. Also i want him to be a better muslim and if i meet him and make him feel like doing zina, then i won't be helping him.
      i will for now just cut contact with him and tell him that if he wants to become a good muslim, and a good husband for me, he should repent and change himself, or else ill just go for arrange marriage in sha Allah.
      Thank u sister for ur kind msg, may Allah swt bless u <3

  3. Hello Zohra,

    I'm not a Muslim, but that doesn't mean I can't answer your question.
    Firstly, drop him like 'hot cakes'!!!
    You are young, you have your whole life ahead of you!!
    He doesn't 'respect' you for a start - so what else would you need to know besides that?!
    A grain of sand is worth much more than having a relationship with him!!
    He drinks, smokes weed and swears and curses and is having cyber sex with girls!! What a good Muslim he is -NOT!! What other signs do you need to leave this moron?
    He is using those girls for whatever he can get, too!!
    PLEASE, DON'T LOSE YOUR VIRGINITY TO HIM, EITHER!! Once you do, you won't see him again, believe me!!
    He is 'using' you for so much - and what are you getting in return for your loyalty?! NOTHING BUT HEARTACHE!!
    As the saying goes: "there's plenty more fish in the sea". This applies to you sweetheart. I'm sure you will find someone who loves you, respects you and will love you for 'who you are'.
    I will tell you something that recently happened to me.
    Yes, I am mature aged and I was in a relationship - long distance - with a Muslim in Jordan. We were having cyber sex and he told me he was a 'Good Muslim!" Good Muslims DO NOT do that for a start! This went on for 6 months until he went on holidays in the U.S.A and I haven't heard from his since!! Best thing he ever did for me!!
    He used me for what he could get!! NOT ANY MORE!! I have far too much respect for myself, even if he didn't!!
    That doesn't mean that I won't have a proper relationship with anyone else, Muslim or otherwise - they have to respect me first, though.
    You must have 'respect' for yourself first!! So, please drop this self-centred moron now before you find yourself pregnant and having to marry him!!
    They say 'love is blind' - but not to those who have respect for themselves first!!

    • Carol: We were having cyber sex and he told me he was a 'Good Muslim!" Good Muslims DO NOT do that for a start! This went on for 6 months until he went on holidays in the U.S.A and I haven't heard from his since!! Best thing he ever did for me!!...........He used me for what he could get!!

      You had consentual cyber sex for 6 months. Did you enjoy it also? Why do you feel you "got used"?

      Did he invite you to visit him in Jordon?

    • Hello Carol,
      Thank u for ur kind msg and sharing ur thoughts..

      U r right, he doesn't respect me or is loyal to me at all. i deserve better..

      thanks a lot for ur msg..

  4. Salam sister, I'm glad you posted on here. I hope I don't offend you but this man your describing does not sound like marriage material, not at all. You have described some pretty awful characteristics, he is making fundamental errors which will probably get worse as time progresses, because he does not feel any remorse for them! Please don't be weak and sleep with him, he sounds unstable - what kind of excuse is "if you don't sleep with me I will sleep with other women"???? He shouldn't be thinking about sleeping with any woman! How do u know that he hasn't or isn't already sleep with other women? Do not let him touch you ! How do you know he won't sleep with you and then leave you ?

    I know you love him and want him to change etc, and you sound like a decent girl. However, if I was in your position i certianly would not be considering a man like this to become my husband, I would have left long ago and never looked back.

    Marriage is not just about love, there is a lot of responsibility that comes with it. It is hard enough as it is to maintain a marriage, a guy like your boyfriend will defintly make it much harder ! Can you imagine this guy as the father of your children - what kind of influence will he have on them when they see him smoking and drinking etc.

    How can you trust him? He has already cheated on you, what makes you think he won't do it again. My husband cheated on me whilst we were married, it's disgusting behaviour and it destroyed me. Trust me it's a horrible feeling to find out your husband has been messing about behind your back! If I had known his true colours before marriage I would have left him long ago and considered myself lucky.

    Please take my advice, leave this man, it will be hard because you say you love him but after hardship comes ease. Find a man who has good characteristics or at least follows the basics of islam, and Someone you can trust.

    Please leave this man - you are lucky enough to see his true colours. He is not going to change, don't waste your time trying to make him change. If he is getting frustrated with you now when you advise him to do something good, it will only get worse after marriage .

    Trust me, I am speaking from experience. Get out of this relationship, end it, ignore his attempts to reconcile. Be strong and walk away with dignity. He is not good for you, you can do better, don't destroy your life by sleeping with him or marrying him.

    • Salam Bucks,

      U know u asked a very good question saying how do i know if he already hasn't slept with other women? I recently found out that he has slept with 2 other women for the last few months. May Allah swt give me strength to bear the pain this guy gave me.
      I have no intention to meet him again, because i don't want to repeat my mistake. But i do love him, and ill pray for him and see if Allah swt guides him to the right path. But for now I'm cutting all contact with him.. he is a lost soul and he is sucking the life out of me.
      Its very hard for me emotionally. whatever it was from his side, from my side it wasn't lust, it was pure love, and i wanted him to become a good muslim because i really love him. He just wanted to marry me because he thinks I'm marriage material, he doesn't really care for my feelings or happiness, maybe thats why he has hurt me so much..

      Please remember me in ur prayers.
      May Allah swt bless u always

      • Well done sister for breaking off any contsct with this man. Your doing the right thing. You may love him and want him, but give it time and you will realise that you have made the right decision and deserve much better. Marrisge shouldn't be taken lightly - count yourself lucky that you managed to escape a future of hell with this man. Read my story on this blog and realise how lucky you are for cutting your losses rather than going ahead and marrying this guy. May Allah swt make it easy for you and bless you with a husband who will be loyal to you, protect you and love you sincerely. Ameen

  5. oh my goodness! What an absolute jerk! Seriously???

    You say you love Allah (and I am sure you do, I am in no way judging you) but you are in a haram relationship that you know Allah is displeased with. I mean, if you love someone you will try your best to please them.

    Also, WHY ARE YOU LETTING THAT EXCUSE OF A MAN TREAT YOU THIS WAY!? You deserve better and you know do too! I know it's going to hurt but please do not stay with someone who is treating you in such an awful manner, seriously, what is up with the ultimatum? If you dont sleep with him, he will sleep with other girls? Someone that truly loves you would never ever says such hurt things to you.

    He is showing you, time and again, who he really is. Do you really think you would be happy with someone like that after marriage? whatever happens, DO NOT MARRY THIS GUY. Run as far away as you can possibly get.

    Find someone who will really appreciate your loyalty and love. Someone who is going to treat you right and someone that will help you get closer to Allah, InshaAllah.

    We can all give you advice but it's going to be you who chooses what to do with it and I hope, for your sake, that you make the right decision because what you choose will determine if you will be happy or wondering who he is sleeping with.

    • Hello sister,

      Yes u r right.. i should please Allah swt and sacrifice my haram relationship. I know how bad i have been by having this relationship, but my intention was always marriage. I wanted to marry him and have a halal relationship but it wasn't possible.. and then all that dirty stuff happened between us. i have repented so much, and i don't want to meet him again because i fear it might happen again..
      ill try to stay away from him in sha Allah. But ill pray Allaah swt gives him imaan, and he changes and becomes a good muslim so i can marry him.

      Thank u so much for ur msg. May Allah swt bless u

  6. Sis can I say I once thought like you. I met somone I thought I loved got married we had two children then he divorced me. Point is i didnt even seriously consider other proposals cus I thought I will regret not marrying him and I wont be able to feel like that abt anyone else, but its not true its the trap of shaytan to get you more into a mess.

    If a decent, god fearing brother comes along and he loves you and takes care of you and appreciates you, do you really think you would think twice abt this guy. Trust me when I say you won't. You can love another this is not love it is lust because Allah says in quran He puts love between the hearts of two ppl who perform nikaah for his sake, there is no nikkah so there is no love its lust

    My ex husband he had issues with his naffs and look he had two kids with me and used me even though we had nikkah and now he has moved on to the next woman who takes his fancy. And she might not be the last when the honeymoon period is gone the kids arrive and the fun and games are no more, then as they say when the going gets tough, the tough get going 😉

    There has to be more to the relationship then him meeting his desires, and thats what it sounds like to me, he just wants his desires met anyway anyhow...I speak from experience there is something not quite right about such a person and they should be avoided.

    My ex prayed salah he was outwardly a good muslim but they have an issue with naffs and desires and the one who cannot control what lies between his legs is trouble and he will take you down with and keep running ...

    Alhumdulillah i want to get remarried its not that easy as it was for him but a major thing i see that many marriages lack from the mans side is loyality. Women they marry, leave their family and bear children, they have to have trust that this person will be loyal to them. He wont run when he is needed, do you trust this man can be loyal to you?

    Would you put something as delicate as eggs in a basket with a hole? No so dont do it!

    • Im so sorry to hear about your situation sister. May Allah swt give u a good husband, who keeps u happy and cares for u and loves u. May He give u an honest man who is loyal to u.

      The guy i love has also issues with his naifs, he can't control it. and its sad..
      I wont marry him until he has surrendered to words of Allah swt and changed himself and become a good muslim.
      No matter how much i love him, i won't marry him if he does not become a good momeen.
      Its hard but ill cut contact with him and pray he become a good muslim in sha Allaah.

      Thank u for sharing ur thoughts. May Allah swt bless u sister.

  7. OP: He has many bad habits as drinking, smoking cigarettes and weed and cursing/swearing. He also cheated on me several times by having cybersex with other girls....we became physical, I didn't let him take my virginity but it was very intimate and close. And it happened several times during a week..... I cried and begged him to be with me and promised I won't ever interfere in his bad habits like drinking, cursing, smoking or sleeping with other girls.

    You can't change him. He is using you for sex only and you are letting him use you. Leave him, if you have other proposals get married to some one else. With all this drinking, smoking, weed habits he may not be able to get or hold a job. These things may even interfere with his sexual functioning . How oftern he drinks, smokes and uses weed. He may already be an alcholic He may even make you do those things. Well you have done everything sexual but kept your hymen intact, big deal. You say "he is a Muslim and he does have knowledge about Islam, he knows it's wrong but he still does it.". Well you are also doing the same, you are having sex with him without marriage which is a big sin. You are willing to accept him under any conditions. I am sure if he wants you will let him take your virginity. Using drugs and sex with different partners can get him an STD, which he may pass to you too. Get youself checked for STD especially if you are doing oral sex.

    Just think for a moment if your sister was in such a relationship what advice would you give her.

    • Hello brother, Thanks for ur reply.

      U r right, i can't change him. I can only pray for him.. No he is not using me for sex, because we have been in a relationship for an year, and all that dirty stuff happened only for a week. But yes he does have bad habbits and its hard for him to control his naffs.
      I never said I'm better than him, I'm sinful too, and i repent and try to become better in sha Allah.
      im not willing to accept him under any condition, thats why I'm hurt so much, because i want him to become a good muslim or i won't marry him as my offspring may become like him if he doesn't change.
      ill keep my distance from him, and keep praying that Allah swt gives him imaan, so he becomes a good muslim.

      But thank u for ur advice brother, may Allah swt bless u.

      • Just think for a moment if your sister was in such a relationship what advice would you give her............just write it down on a paper. No need to reply.

  8. My dear sister dnt take urslf cheap yah love is there but should one that has point of consideration i knw nobody is perfect but what u need to understand is whom do u love are u his changes or his ur change,are u moving to right path or ur being used nd longlast end unworthy,if what ur saying is true i urge to cut off frm him,take a break urself ask forgivnes to Allah im sure u will find best man for u rather stucked around hm busy with worldly things jst think simple smbdy who loves mst be faithful till he legally ends up with u but not i end up stuffs at streets yet i love u....
    rember ur muslim lady.

    leave nd spend other things that build ur Iman!

    • Hello brother,

      Yes ur right.. ill take the time to build my iman, and pray for him so he becomes a good momeen.
      im a sinner too, may Allah swt forgives us all.

      Thank u for ur msg. May Allah swt bless u

  9. haram relationship always ends in is a proof to this and lesson to said you love Allah swt.....but that is a could prove it is not lie by leaving him and repenting for your major sin....and put trust in Allah for your future life...

  10. Ass'salam O Alaikum Warahmatullahe Wabarakatohu

    Dear Zohra,

    Firstly its wrong and haram in islam he don't deserve you.
    Secondly in his little mind he thinks that you are not virgin but dear HARAM IS HARAM as hashim said above "haram relationship always ends in disaster".
    He is not a good man and also not a good life partner. I have also faced the same situation but i never did this with her i love her alot upon that she left me and ALLAH holds me

    Hope you can understand all this. May Allah gives you courage to make a strict decision against HARAM.

    Jazak Allah Khair,

  11. Sister please run. Run as far as you can!
    You cannot change someone who doesnt want to change.
    He sounds like a really horrible person especially since you have lost your self confidence. Please sister this man is no good for you.

  12. it's very simple how to answer this.

    1. it's haram because you two aren't married.

    2. he wants you but in one way.

    3. don't let him pressure you, if he was a man he was control his desire for sex.

    4. sister you sound good and nice and please think before you you make your decision and remember if he doesn't stay with you allah will give you something better. - from london 🙂

    • Thanks brother.
      Yes, its haram. and in sha Allah ill stay away from him. I do love him still, but ill just pray for him and let Allah swt give him imaan.

      thanks a lot brother. May Allah swt bless u.

  13. He cheats on you, has bad habits, not religious like you, jobless, in debt, threatening dont trust him...!!! He is Shaytan in person. Get out now, take your heart, change your phone number, and run.

    • Salam Sister,

      U r right.. my intention is to cut of my contact with him and focus on my iman, and keep praying for him so that Allah swt gives him imaan and makes him a good momeen, because nothing is impossible for Allah swt, right sister.

      May Allah swt bless u sis.

  14. Make TOOBA Allah will forgive you and leave him because sex is not love ,The true and sincere love is the Love of Allah for his creatures nothing else. Make a firm decision and leave him forever.

    • Hello brother,

      Yes true love is the love of Allah swt.
      All the dirty stuff happened only 1 week through 1 year, so our relationship was not based on that.. it was love from my side, and still is.. ill keep praying so that Allah swt gives him imaan in aha Allah.

      thank u for ur advice brother, may Allah swt bless u.

  15. Dear sister,
    I feel you are in the grip of something that is bigger than you. Or at least stronger. Anyone reading your story can see that this man is no good for you. It is obvious that he wants to ruin you, and he has every bad intention there is. I can't understand why a girl like you, who seems to be a nice girl with good intentions and who wants to be a muslimah, can be so attracted to a guy that drinks, smokes weed, is into dirty things on the internet. I am so sure that all that you see in him is just your own imagination, and he is obviously not the person you think he is, the person you want him to be. Your vision is very distorted right now, and I am sure that in a few years you will be able to see so clearly what you are missing right now. But by then it will maybe be too late. Maybe you will have already let him take advantage of you physically, even more than he already has, to the point of loosing your virginity, maybe even pregnancy.
    But I'm afraid that nothing that I (or anyone else)can say to you will be able to get you out of that "spell" that this guy has over you. Only Allah can help you,so pray sincerely to him and ask him to help you. It's not too late for you. You have sinned but you can turn back at this point. But if you keep seeing him it will just be a matter of time before he destroys you completely. You are a very vulnerable person that he obviously has no trouble manipulating and using . The only thing you can do is just break it off completely with this person.
    Don't say you haven't been warned, I see this going on the path of destruction very fast. You are now on a very important crossroad. You can choose to stay with him, he will ruin your life, your virginity, your connection with Allah and he will leave you devastated. Or you can take another road, the one that frees you from him and saves you. Believe me, you can't make your sins right by saying I already feel like I belong to him because of what we did , so it's not fair to marry someone else. What him and you did meant nothing, it has no value, it was very wrong and it by no means makes you his wife. I would advise you to stop what you are doing immediately and wait for the right person ,and I don't think you should expose your sins to him. (w' Allahu a'lam). The "man you love" is not a good person. I'm sure he's already sleeping with other girls (if anyone has given him the opportunity). He's pressuring you into letting him use you all the way, and he doesn't love you at all. You are just misleading yourself. You are the only one that can protect yourself from this wolf in sheep's clothing. And you have the obligation to do so.

    • Hello Sister,

      When i first got to know this guy, he wasn't like this at all. He kind of acted all good in the beginning, so after i fell in love with him i got to know about this habits of his. And i felt trapped..
      and u r right, he has been sleeping with other women too, i recently found out about that. the thing is that i believe no human is bad, and its shaitan who makes them bad.
      I feel sorry for him because i know how astray he is, and how weak his imaan has become. I want to guide him to the right path because i love him. And nothing is impossible for Allah swt, if He wills He can give him imaan in a split second. I feel like i shouldn't lose hope in Allah swt and keep praying, maybe Allah swt will hear my prayers..
      Im very depressed, but i have to cut contact with him because I'm a sin for him too as we r not married.. i have to stay strong in Sha Allaah, with will of Allah swt everything will be fine..
      Ill keep my focus on my imaan, and same time pray for him..
      U seem to be a kind person, can u please pray for me? I hope u will..
      Thank u for ur reply. i appreciate it a lot.. may Allah swt bless u sister

      • If you really want to guide him that badly, I would say there is a little voice in you that wants you to feel proud of turning a weed-smoking man who drings alcohol into a guided Muslim.

        Driving to a destination by breaking traffic rules and running over and into things doesn't justify the ends to the mean, dear Sister.

        Before you worry so much about him, worry more about how you are thinking and taking care of your own emaan. You are depressed, heartbroken--your situation is akin to a person void of oxygen seeking to help the very person who has put you in that position.

        Inn shaa Allah, you can get through this all as soon as you steer your focus on relationship with Allah swt and invest all your energy and emotions towards your life.

      • Assalam sister Zohra. Please, know it is not your job to guide this non-mahram man to the Right Path of Allah SWT. I am sure he has an easy access to any Mosque in his town or at least have practicing brothers/friends if he really wants to become a better person. I agree with all advises given to you here. Please worry about your own Iman and relationship with Allah SWT, repent and get closer to Almighty Allah and Allah SWT will take care of you in the best possible way. May Allah SWT protect you from this man and guide you to what is best for you. Amen

  16. Salaam I just wanted to add that when the prophet sws told us to marry a person for deen it means that it should be the deciding factor, so we look and if his deen is correct we overlook the small matters height, beauty, job...however we really just go for the looks and as long as we like the llook then we overlook everything else including deen.

    this is what i meant when i said its lust. Its something that is not for the sake of Allah it is a kind of malady of the heart called passionate blameworthy love.

    You are lucky you didnt marry him then it would have been too late and now you have the opportunity to do better. The choice is not between love and arranged marriage, the choice is a marriage according to the deen, the sunnah. You look and ask friends and family but you always refer the person to your wali if he wont approach your wali this is a sign of insencereity. No sincere brother will talk to you without your wali present because these ppl have hayah modesty which has been eroded in modern times. The prophet sws said if you have no haya do as you please.and haya is a branch of iman. So its very important have haya, guard your haya and may Allah grant you the best of husbands who will give you off spring who will be the coolness of your eyes. Ameen

    our happiness doesn't depend on man but on the contentment of our own hearts, learn to love ALlah before you love another, I learnt this the hard way may I benefit others from the best of teachers, experience! Lol

  17. Wa alaikum Assalam Dear Sister,

    I know that you have written that you love this guy more than anything except Allah swt, but this is a contradiction. Pause. Think about this a little more. You chose to be in a relationship with a non-Mehram for a year and you accepted his bad habits--you have the right to a Wali who can stand up for you and ensure that you are with someone who will not take advantage of you, but you relinquished that right for something less than just a relationship.

    When you are in a relationship, then men want to become physical. That is the way the cookie crumbles. I know you have mentioned that he was into a lot of bad things, but none of that is your concern now or should have been ever. He doesn't deserve a second glance from you, let alone lingering thoughts and unending feelings.

    He says he will go and sleep with other girls if you don't sleep with him--let me tell you, he will do the same thing after marriage because this is how is brain is programmed. You've entered into a very very dangerous game.

    I know you are hurting. But you are hurting for the ideal man you want to be your husband, and not for him because he isn't ideal in any way. The fact that he hurts you, you forgive him easily, he threatens to sleep with other girls shamelessly and calls you weak tells me he is abusive---any man that respected you, would have gone straight to your father to ask for your hand and it is as simple as that. Do you think for a moment if he had a daughter in the future he would be keen on letting a man treat her the way he is treating you outside of marriage?

    You are hurting, but you need to smarten up real quick for your sake and the sake of you Aakhirah. You think he is blinded, but dear dear Sister, it is you that is much more blinded than him. He at least knows exactly what he is doing, the game he is playing and how he is playing it. You, on the other hand, have no clue that this is a game and that he is using you to highest level possible.

    Forget about relationship, most people wouldn't want to befriend someone who smokes weed or do business with a person who is into drugs--for you, the drug is the feelings you get when you are with him and you feel withdrawal when you fear losing him--you have to let go.

    Your mistake is simple. You put your trust in a non-Mehram and he is treating you this way because you trust him. He knows that you should know better. But he will never tell you that. If you truly are sincere in helping him with his Islamic manner, break all contact with him, change your phone number, block him on fb etc....and never second guess yourself on this. This is my sincerest advice to you. Saying that you regret what has happened and hoping for forgiveness will be futile if you take no action and only feel these feelings but do nothing.

    Also, you aren't helpless--this is an intrusive thought from shaitaan. Track your thoughts and start thinking more positively in an assertive way. Don't let your thoughts run random and say you have no control--you don't need to be a victim in all this. Women aren't this weak and you should learn from this. He feels nothing for you or your pain or how you are putting everything on the line for him--why do you feel anything for a person like that? Don't feel anything for him by blindly following your emotions and feelings based more on what you want from him and less on what he actually is.

    I sincerely hope the best for you and hope that you break out of this. I haven't had a chance to read all of the above, so hopefully some of what I say will help you because you need to know that the bigger picture is your relationship with Allah swt is all you need to get through this life--stop investing so much trust in people only to be disappointed in this way--

    May Allah ease your pain and help you out of this darkness and into light, Ameen.


  18. salam alaykum dear Zohra. I'm here to tell u a fact after I've read every reply here. He's a player and he's not GOOD for u no matter how u try. u r ur problem cos u not letting go. and if truly u love Allah, u will let go of d one dat cnt increase ur iman. imagine d kind of children u gonna groom. before u knw him, u were api n now u can go bk to that. Letting him knw u can't live without him will make him av assurance that u got no where to go. summon d courage, dere r better things ahead for u. Allah knws wats good for us and we shldnt stick to what displeases Him. May Allah strengthen u. Amin.

  19. leave him as he doesn't respect you, your still lucky at the moment that you are not married to him, because you will regret all your life living with someone like him!

  20. Salam alaykom Sis the very same story happened to me he went with some other girl and then because he was my second cousin I knew he broke up with her too.these kind of boys just want to misuse girls for thier lust
    Just leave him
    he is a miserable member of hell
    Do you want to be with him in the other world?sinful and unhappy?
    I bet you're a young girl
    As the time passes you will learn that not being with him is a blessing

  21. Throw that fuck out of your life he will ruin both ur Deen and duniya or he might have been remember my muslim sister duniya me kitna v nek ladka ho agar vo shaadi se pehle ye sab kar diya to then he will never marry u

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