Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Forced Nikkah. In love with someone else

Controlling husband

Asalaam Alaikum my dear brothers and sisters. I am here because considering my situation this is my only hope. I am 23 years old and I am Pakistani-american, born and raised in California.

About 6 years ago, I was about 17 years old when my father took me to pakistan. Before we went, I discussed with him that I am interested in someone for marriage, he promised me that he will take my request into consideration after we come back from my brothers wedding. When we went and my brothers wedding took place, thats when my world flipped upside down. He had a cousin ready for me to be married to. I told him you promised me that you will take my choice into consideration, that you would not force anything upon me, yet he just ignored everything and he said he gave his word, and in our culture and family when we give our word thats it, its a done deal. Although I told my dad I am not agreeing to this nikkah, they did the nikkah anyway. I didn't sign anything nor did an imam ask me if I want to do this. They did the nikkah and they have witnesses, my uncles or grandfather, I am not even sure. The nikkah took place, they had a party, everything happened. When I came back to the states, the guy I was looking forward to get married to, told me his parents want to come ask for my hand. I told him everything and we tried our best to break off this engagement with my cousin but nothing is falling through. I understand he's a guy and he can't wait for me forever, he doesn't want to do a court marriage and neither do I. I don't want to live that life where people will use that against me that I ran away or did a court marriage with a guy.

This whole situation is more deeper than it seems. The problem is, I was so sure I was going to spend the rest of my life with this guy, that I gave him everything, meaning our relationship was like being married to each other. I lost my virginity to him. I fought my parents for him. I fought my siblings for him. I did everything for him. I gave him every part of me, everything I had. His every wish was my command. I treated him like he was a king. His parents said that since my parents will not give my hand in marriage, they will find someone else, which they did. Since his mother is sick, she wants to see her last son get married, the younger siblings got married and he is sitting unmarried because he's waiting for me, but she doesn't want to die without seeing him get married. The girl is his first cousin whom he was in love with before he met me, and he promised me that she was the last person I had to worry about. Her parents and his parents have wanted them to get married since forever, but he didn't want to marry her because when he was in love with her, she rejected him. And now he's marrying her.And its not that he didn't love me, I know with every cell in my body that he does love me, he's done so much for me, and I appreciate everything he's done, but now his hands are tied because his mother is sick and she wants to see him get married, and since my parents won't agree because in their eyes I am engaged/nikkah is done, they want to find him another girl and he has no choice.So I feel really used because sometimes I feel like if he didn't want this, no one could force him because he's the type of person where if he doesn't want to do anything, no power on this earth could make him. But then again I feel like its understandable that since his mother is sick, she wants to see him get married and my parents are not agreeing, he has no other choice but to get married to a girl of their choice, which is the cousin his parents have always wanted. But then I feel like he was using me to make her jealous, make her realize what she lost since he's financially very very stable now, I feel like he wanted to teach her a lesson, and thats why he used me in the process, and now he's marrying her. He denies this, he denies when I say to him that he used me to bring her back. And sometimes I think its just because I am so emotionally drained that I overthink and overanalyze things, because he did try a lot for me. But what bothers me is that if your love is sincere for me, if your love is real, you will wait centuries. I can't even think about marriage with anyone else, and he is marrying the girl that belittled and rejected him like a worthless piece of trash. I can't think straight, I cant sleep or eat, I can't study, I can't function. I can't do anything. I might seem like a hypocrite, knowing that I was in a haram relationship and yet still continued to be in one because I was hoping it would one day become halal. I've always had a good relationship with Allah. I pray all my prayers Allhamdullilah. I have never done anyone wrong or took advantage of anyone. Everytime I met him, and when I would come home, I would come home and I would do wudhu and pray and cry until I couldn't cry anymore. I didn't want to make Allah upset by my doings, but I couldn't control my heart and feelings. I would pray to Allah to give me the courage to walk away but I couldn't do it. Allah knows. I don't know what to do. He is getting married. I feel used and torn. My parents have me in a "nikkah" or "engagement" with my first cousin. I feel depressed all the time, my chest hurts, sometimes I don't even feel like praying yet I still do anyway because its all I have left. I need some sort of advice on what I should do. Sometimes the emotional pain is so much, I try to replace it with another pain so I can stop being in emotional pain, so I get a blade out and I cut my hand until I bleed insanely and then I stop when I get lightheaded. I was never like this. My daily routine was wake up,shower and pray fajr, go to classes, pray dhuhr, come home shower eat pray asr, do home work pray maghreb, pray isha and then I would sleep. And on the days I couldn't sleep, I would pray tahajud or read Surah Yasin, or just do dhikr until I fell asleep. I can't even think straight, thats why my post might be all over the place. I need some sort of advice, someone to direct me in the right way, everyone is against me. My parents for not marrying on their choice, and my siblings for being with that guy. I don't want to feel used and depressed and disgusting anymore. I pray and ask Allah for forgiveness. I cry all the time, my heart feels heavy and it hurts all the time. I sincerely hate waking up because its another day I have to fight through. Sometimes I want to kill myself but I fear Allah insanely. I don't want to think about him, and his wedding day, when I think about that my heart feels like its being ripped out. I don't know what to do. I need help and I need it badly. Please help. Any advice would be appreciated, I am really desperate brothers and sisters. I need to find a way out of this or I am scared I will kill myself and that is something I never want. Please.

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6 Responses »

  1. Salam sister. First and very important thing is you are islamically a married women. You are in a someone else nikkah. You sat down in that nikkah there are witnesses you don’t need documentation for that. When you pray with clean heart you never go near to zina. Prophet pbuh said namaz stop you to committing sins. So you need to review every matter of your life. That guy you been sleeping with he knows you are married he got whatever he wanted you need to stop immediately to commit more zina and being used And to marry him you need to get divorce first and I don’t think his parents will accept a divorce women to be their daughter in law.
    My sincere advice Is forget about that guy and accept that guy your parents chose for you and chosen by Allah your other half. Running after that guy you been in relationship with will ruin your life. You already had haram relationship and it will always be on back of your head. Just think you are cheating your husband and it’s not his fault he might love you more than you have expected.
    Last thing you are a married women just keep in mind

    • If the woman said she did not want to be married and was forced, the marriage nikah is not valid. There are important details that were not provided, but based on the fact that her father forced her and that she herself did not sign a contract invalidates the contract. There is culture and there is law. It does not matter that her father signed the papers. He is the sinful one. He promised her he would talk to her but did not. She told him "I don't want to be married" and then he signed off on her wedding papers? She is no more married to the cousin than I am.

  2. You need to grow up, stop even considering suicide as an option, and to sort one problem out before you take on more problems. Before you worry about this man you are not married to, how about you sort things out with the man you are supposedly married to? Not that I believe your marriage is valid, as a marriage cannot be accepted by anyone else but the bride and groom. Witnesses? What witnesses? Did they witness you accept this man as your husband? Or did they just witness your father signing your life away? It matters, because the latter does not count as a valid nikkah in Islam.

    It doesn't really matter what you chose to do with the man you are in love with - the point is, you behaved like his wife without actually being his wife, so you have no rights over him. I understand you are hurt, but let this experience be a life lesson to you that you do not fulfill contracts of any kind (not just in terms of relationships, but in work as well) before contracts have actually been signed by all parties. It's for YOUR own protection, so you don't end up in the situation you are in now.

    My suggestion to you is to get out of the mess your father got you in to, cut contact to that man you've fornicated with, and focus on better things that will actually help you establish a future for yourself. When you feel emotionally available again, you can look into finding a suitable spouse for yourself. But for now, how about just focusing on yourself?

  3. Hello sister, listen carefully. I am 24years and I’m telling you that I’ve been in a synonymous situation not quite long ago. I went through the pain, loss, i watched him marrying another women, being happy, forgetting me, i watched him do all that while i soaked deeply in agonizing drench of pain. I forgot what a goodnight sleep was. I forgot how to smile, think ( outside of him). I was suicidal, depressed, but just like you i was scared of Allah. I didn’t want to offend him so I begged him to guide me. I started doing tahajjud at night. It wasn’t easy, sometimes i wake up for tahajjud and all i do is cry. I couldn’t even beg for anything i just do the sallah, sit on the mat and cry. I don’t say anything, then i started getting better, i was able to pray and say my feelings, my heart pain started to clear, gradually sister I became better. I’m still healing but Wallahil Azeem i am clear and better. He is past now and I’m looking for present. I’m thinking ahead, my life with another person. I pray Allah opens your heart to attain his blessings. Start your tahajjud now and Wallahi bi’iznillah you’ll write to me that you’re better. That your heart is clear. That even though things are there, they are way better. No pain. And eventually everything will be history. Goodluck

  4. Saif,

    In response to your strange comments, if a woman says she does not want to be married and was forced, the marriage nikah is not valid. There are important details that were not provided, but based on the fact that her father forced her and that she herself did not sign a contract invalidates the contract. There is culture and there is law. It does not matter that her father signed the papers. He is the sinful one. He promised her he would talk to her but did not. She told him "I don't want to be married" and then he signed off on her wedding papers? She is no more married to the cousin than I am.

  5. Dear Sister:

    Please read my response and think about my suggestions and comments for a while before you decide what you will do. Be polite. Be respectful. Take into consideration that like most situations, there are different angles or sides to every instance. Also take into consideration, especially if the man your father married you off to is not living with you, that your present situation is not the end of the world. It may even be a protection for you. Sometimes the blessing is NOT getting what you want. Especially if you are involved in a sexual relationship with a man you are not married to.

    1. Tell your father right away that you don't want to be married. Tell him "I did not want to be married to my cousin. I told you I did not want to be married. You forced me. I never signed any documents. So you have to notify my cousin that the marriage is not valid. You were wrong. I can't be forced into marriage. "

    Expect all kinds of emotional fireworks and maybe histrionics. Along with a lot of talk about the family name and excitement about the man your parents married you off to. You had no responsibility for any of this horrible foolishness. Your father is 100% wrong. No imam of any standing will argue that point. Someone might even say that because this was your first wedding, silence meant your agreement. But if you were never asked at the time of the nikah, they would have no grounds. However, you still could have stood up and said out loud before those attending the nikah, "I am being forced into this marriage against my will. I don't want to be married." Yes, that is quite scary, but you could have done that. You are not 12. You may also asked your father where your mahr/dowry is. It belongs to you and only you. If you did not receive it, you have even more grounds to invalidate the nikah. If you are in the states, I would strongly advise you to speak to a religious leader about this matter and ask for his advice. And to discuss this with your father, while you are present. Your father is a complete selfish jerk, by the way. I am probably older than him and I have no doubt he would want his colleagues, neighbors or friends to know what he has done -- forced his 18 year old daughter to marry someone. That makes him a No. 1 jerk. But read on.........

    2. The man you claim you want to marry is marrying someone else. Leave that entire situation alone. Completely. Do not interfere, have any contact with him or discuss this matter with anyone. It is over. End it. You should know that the man may have created a scenario about his mother being sick, that now he is promised to someone else now that you are married, blah, blah, blah, sad story, tears, more blah, blah, blah -- and be lying to you through his teeth.

    You had a sexual relationship with him. For all you know your parents may have found out about you and your boyfriend and married you off to resolve this haraam behavior because they were so ashamed and worried you would get pregnant. For all you know the man you had a sexual relationship was able to convince you that he loved you so you would be more wiling to have sex with him. This is a story as old as dirt. Men have been doing this since time began -- Lying to women so they can have sex without any committment or financial responsibility.

    As the saying goes, it's time to put your big girl panties on, take responsibility for what you have done, what sins you have committed and make taubah and move on.

    3. You might consider staying married to your cousin, but definitely ask for your mahr to be given to you if that has not been done. You have no obligation to share it or give it to anyone. Husbands and wives protect their spouse from haraam behavior, like having sex with someone you are not married to. Hint Hint. If your forced marriage husband is attractive and kind to you, you are doing better than most women in this world. So do not be too hasty about getting unmarried. I am not telling you to settle or to put up with neglect or unkindness, but take your status into serious consideration.

    If you have not already have had sexual relations with your forced marriage husband, it is easy to divorce him. All you have to do is return the dowry and request a divorce. But don't be hasty. You are young with a different disposition, but as an older woman who has been married and divorced and remarried, believe me when I tell you things are not always as they seem. In retrospect, I would have been happier if my parents did find me a nice man I had feelings for and married me off at 18 than having to have gone through the hassles i went through. Alhamdolillah, Allah blessed me with a man who is not perfect but who does not bully me or treat me like an underling, which is more important to me than any other things. I have 100% freedom to work or not work, to travel, to go back to school, to start a business or to come and go as I please.

    4. Take a few days to review all responses that are given here. Keep in mind your parents do love you. I doubt that your father married you off to be mean and unkind, but don't be foolish again. Keep in mind, he married you off for a reason. You do have some personal work to do yourself. Yes, I called him a jerk, but all of us are jerks very often.

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