My mother’s abuse is breaking me down
Salam,
I have always seemed to have problems with my mother that leave me stressed and very self conscious. I know mothers are supposed to be the most honored and loved in the Islamic religion, but there always seems to be a problem with mine.
When I was younger, she was always sheltering us to the point of our social skills being a little awkward, which some might not consider a bad thing. However, that mixed with physical abuse that came with fundamental aspects like studying or cleaning, caused me and my sisters to act older than our actual ages. My brother did not face these conditions because my mother seems to favor him. My childhood was not a bad one, alhamdillah, but it was also caused me to break away slightly from my mother, and start to rebel.
My mother is a religious woman, and has always supported us and our deen. When I started wearing hijab before the start of the seventh grade she was supportive, and that was the time where I felt she loved me the most because I had pleased her with my decision. However, going to a public school, I was bullied because of my headscarf. That has never caused me to take it off, but it also brought down my self esteem even more with the verbal and mental abuse my mother constantly gave me. I started feeling depressed at a young age, and it only got worse growing older.
After my oldest sister was married, my mom tried to marry my next sister off to anyone. She said she would not force her into anything, but always caused problems with not only my sister, but the rest of our family. She would put my sister down for "thinking of herself higher than others" when she shouldn't because she was not pretty or helpful. My sister would cry day and night from my mother's horrendous words, but my mother did not stop there.
While my parents want me to marry a relative of ours that I have no potential interest in, her words come raining down on me. While I "am not good enough or pretty enough" for my relative, my mother would swear and damn me and my sisters for not being worth " the skin of an onion".
These recent events, along with many years of verbal, mental, and harsh physical abuse are causing a breakdown within myself. I broke last during one of my mother's rants, and unintentionally swore at her after she hit me. I did not mean to, and repented that night in hopes of Allah's forgiveness. I feel extremely guilt because I made my mother cry with my words, and it seems as if she has now felt the pain I have been living in.
Besides repenting, is there anything else to do to earn Allah's mercy in a situation like this? Should my mother have the right to abuse us in multiple ways just because she is our mother?
-aaa5636
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I guess sister you must talk to you mother face to face and tell her your feelings,
sure - she is not OK as per your wording, yet, take her opinion by open dialogue and
tell her you are stressed and this is not the way a girl should be handled,
this world is temporary and the real life which will last for ever she will be accountable / answerable for all actions/ - given she is a good muslim will sure understand your view,
I pray especial for you any way - God bless you for a better healthy life !!
AR
OP: Should my mother have the right to abuse us in multiple ways just because she is our mother?
Your mother has low self esteem and is trying to boost it up by making you look bad psychologically.
A good mother should help her kids grow into happy adults.
It is possible she had a mother who treated her bad.
Don't argue with her or get physical with her.
A good mother should never say things like" you are not good enough or pretty enough" to her daughters. If you are not good enough then your relative should get married to some one who is good enough. Is your potential husband living in some other country and wants to get citizenship by marrying you.
Don't let your mother define you. It may mean a lot to you to hear some thing good from your mom. You can be good even if your mom tries constantly to degrade you.
Asalamu alikum,
I am so sorry you are going through this. No one should hit you or belittle you, especially not your mother. She has no right to abuse you. It's never ever okay.
It's very hard to confront her, do you have a family member that you trust that is of your moms generation or older? Like an aunt, uncle, grandparents etc...someone that you trust and can tell them about the issues you are facing at home?
Where is your father in all of this? Siblings? Do they stop you from getting hit/ or vs do you stop her from beating your siblings?
Talk to her gently and tell her it's not okay and that your are an adult and that her words are very hurtful. Sometimes, I find it's easier to write a letter/email when I have to say something difficult. It gives me time to edit. My words, and gives the reader time to accept what I have written.
Also, if that does not work talk to another adult in the family that can talk to your mom. Don't let the abuse in the family stay.
And my dear, there is nothing wrong with you. Imagine your mother as a sick person. She must have heard these poisonous words said to her as a child growing, and she is just repeating them.
You know what your job is...ultimately it is to show your future children love, kindness, and respect...that is your test. Don't spread this nasty abuse to another generation.
And sister I want you to repeat this, you are beautiful you are special and you are worth it...do not ever let her low selsteem put you down. She has problem, but you don't. Ask Allah to heal your mom, make lots of dua and ignore her when she says these hurtful things. Imagine her as a child who was abused just like you are now, and have pity for her because she doesn't know any better.
Also model being a loving person in the home. Wake up and tell her " mom, mashallah, you are looking very beautiful today". Mom thanks for working hard on this food, it tastes very delicious...
Just show small nuggets of appreciation, talk to her how you want to be treated, and maybe she will start reflecting back that positive way of speaking.
May Allah make things easy for you sister, hang in there and don't marry unless you are comfortable!
You mother needs to be told by you and your siblings how she makes yous feel all of yous sit her down and tell her do you have a father and does he not say anything .All of yous unite and tell her if yous are so ugly and worthless then yous will never get married .And will move out if she feels yous are a burden tell her to change her attitude to wards yous .Shes living in a different world this is not Islam the way she treats yous it's abuse maybe she nos no better .And yous need to teach her to love and respect your feelings tell her yous love her but she's got to change .
Asalam
Sis,am sorry for what you are going through, I have face a similar thing with my mom,but to me they don't mean to be abusive but seem its the only way they know as to how to bring up your child.
Most of them when through the same and so tend to use the same way with there children...
Try talking to your mom that's what I did,tell her how important she is and that anything you achieve or try to achieve is for her and the whole family, that instead of being angry and abusive, she should encourage you and pray for you that way she will have daughters that are successful.Tell her that's what other mothers do,it does not mean there children are better than hers but because they try to help them in a different way they become Confident and blessed, make her understand, inch Allah she will change....
May Allah protect us all Ameen