Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Abusive In-Laws and Husband. What to do?

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Assalam u alaikum everyone,

I'm going through a very difficult time and I really need good advice. I'm from Pakistan and I'm 22 years old. Its been ten months since I got married. I live in joint family system. I married into a religious family. My mother-in-law is an Alimah and all of my in-laws including husband have involved sufficient time in Jamaa'at i.e going for Tableegh. But they are very abusive with me.

What I dont understand is that my mother-in-law came herself to ask for my hand in marriage with her son. I was engaged for almost 1 year and 3 months till I completed my studies and then I immediately got married.

From the third day of marriage, she's been verbally abusing me, cursing me and bad mouthing me infront of my husband. And saying stuff like that 'it's my house, you'll do what I tell you to do, otherwise I'll curse you and your family, I'll make this world hell for you and make you go to hell', bossing me around all the time, threatening me with divorce and second marriages, threatening to kill me and always sending me away at my parents for weeks. My husband never said or did anything about it.

I was bearing everything for my husband because he was really nice person and he loved me a lot and he always said that things will get better, trust me, and stuff like that.

But things never got better, instead they got worse, my mother in law demanded separate home so my parents came to talk about it and she send me at my parents house for one month almost. Then things got a little better and I came back, but her behavior got worst and my husband had changed too. He started being mean with me and abusing me as well, not harshly but subtly. And they were never satisfied with my work.

She even threatened me about divorce if I dont go in Tableegh and madarsah.

Recently she used some very bad word (equivalent to being illegitimate child of my parents) and said you are like that because of your affair with someone. I couldnt bear this blame and I came at my parents. I told my husband everything and he didn't responded.

After few weeks he also started abusing me on phone and messages, saying that I'm cheater and unfaithful, bitch and I steal things. I responded calmly. Since then, I'm trying to talk to him and he's been behaving badly since then.

I'm very depressed and guilty. I blame myself for all of this happening and I dont know where I made a mistake.

His mother had brain washed him completely and despite my efforts to please him, he's behaving like that. She's been badmouthing me since day 1 and he is totally in control of his mother. he never protected me once from her harsh behavior yet he claim that he loved me very deeply. He's in so much control that at once his mother called at night for some work during our intimacy and he went out just like that.

Truth is that I've lost all respect for him and I don't love him anymore but I can't seem to get him out my mind. I dont know what to do? Should I get a divorce? Because I'm afraid if I go back things will only get worse. And we cant live separately because my husband is not strong enough financially to afford a separate home. I'm very confused because I did lots of istikhara before getting married and I was okay at that time.

My husband blame me for all the bad, and he does not realize his mistake that if he had set limits, his mother would not have crossed them and there would have been a perfect balance and harmony. But he failed to create balance and like a weak man, instead of realizing his own mistake, he blame and abuse me.

Right now I'm staying at my parents till the matter is sorted between elders, because my husband will not take matters in his hand and he said he'll do whatever his parents decide. Please help. I'm very confused. Is it my destiny? Should I trust Allah wait patiently for things to change? or should I trust Allah and take a step towards divorce?


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9 Responses »

  1. Asalaamu alaikum sis get out you dont deserve this. Its a test and they will be questioned. Its getting worse because people like that you keep going it keeps getting worse patience and abuse are two different things. Islam requires muslims to speak out against oppression that includes non muslims and from muslims. make dua and leave them they dont deserve you she should know better. Yes it will be hard but you are young you have your whole life ahead of you dont let them ruin it for you. you were a gift for them and theyre abusing it instead of being grateful. Pray istikhara and ask Allah to give you strength remember Allah doesnt want us to put ourselves in bad situations and not act, trust him and act. In sha Allah there are many God fearing people and men out there who will treat you better. My duas are with you.

  2. Salaam sister
    I went through a very very similar experience to you this past year. I married in 2014 and my marriage ended 7 months ago because my husband was weak and bound by his mum who was very unhealthily attached to him. They too outwardly practiced Islam and his mother was foul towards me and always trying to cause trouble between us in the end it was QadrAllah we divorced. He was weak and a coward. My sister please be strong pray your salah and seek divorce - this family will never change and your husband will always be controlled and weak. You will find a much better husband Inshallah who deserves you. I have now met a much better match for me and Alhumdhililah I am healing with dua, salah and trust in Allah swt who provides from sources you can never imagine. A good rishta has come for me. You are only young please don't waste your life with this miserable family who will make you despair and ultimately take you away from your deen with their deceit and hate.

  3. OP: I married into a religious family. My mother-in-law is an Alimah and all of my in-laws including husband have involved sufficient time in Jamaa'at i.e going for Tableegh......From the third day of marriage, she's been verbally abusing me, cursing me and bad mouthing me in front of my husband. And saying stuff like that 'it's my house, you'll do what I tell you to do, otherwise I'll curse you and your family, I'll make this world hell for you and make you go to hell', bossing me around all the time, threatening me with divorce and second marriages, threatening to kill me and always sending me away at my parents for weeks. My husband never said or did anything about it.

    Just shows religious people can be even worse than not so religious people. What country do you live in?

    • Domestic voilence is a cancer in Pakistani society which is increasing to a great deal
      Mostly the reason behind this is greed of girls parents money property etc

  4. Sister,

    Don't wait for change that will never come. I have seen first hand the miserable existence of a sister who was in a marriage such as yours. You simply cannot win in any given situation nor change individuals such as your mother in law and her weak son. Stay at home with your parents where you will be safe and away from such miserable people. Move on and leave them behind. No need to live that way...not now, not ever.


  5. Dear daughter.

    I think if someone's religious practices do not create attribute of doing justice in relations and keeping balance in them then that is just outlook and nothing inside. Islam is very comprehensive deen. I see few things very much worse in this scenario.

    1. Leveling allegation that you have an affair without solid proof speaks about their mentality. This is not Islam.
    2. Enforcing you to go for Tableegh is also speaks about their mental approach. In Islam there is no compulsion. Our Islam is very clear that what are our duties I quote a Hadith over here in which deen is very clearly explained..

    One day while the Prophet was sitting in the company of some people, (The angel) Gabriel came and asked, "What is faith?" Allah's Apostle replied, 'Faith is to believe in Allah, His angels, (the) meeting with Him, His Apostles, and to believe in Resurrection." Then he further asked, "What is Islam?" Allah's Apostle replied, "To worship Allah Alone and none else, to offer prayers perfectly to pay the compulsory charity (Zakat) and to observe fasts during the month of Ramadan." Then he further asked, "What is Ihsan (perfection)?" Allah's Apostle replied, "To worship Allah as if you see Him, and if you cannot achieve this state of devotion then you must consider that He is looking at you." Then he further asked, "When will the Hour be established?" Allah's Apostle replied, "The answerer has no better knowledge than the questioner. But I will inform you about its portents."

    When a slave (lady) gives birth to her master.
    When the shepherds of black camels start boasting and competing with others in the construction of tall buildings. And the Hour is one of five things which nobody knows except Allah.

    The Prophet then recited: "Verily, with Allah (Alone) is the knowledge of the Hour--." (31. 34) Then that angel (Gabriel) left and the Prophet asked his companions to call him back, but they could not see him. Then the Prophet said, "That was Gabriel who came to teach the people their religion." Abu 'Abdullah said: He (the Prophet) considered all that as a part of faith. Sahih al-Bukhari, 1:2:48

    It is very important time for you to take a wise decision. I think they are not going to change so better start new life because things will go worse with the passage of time.

    Profound regards

  6. Aa,

    They are all right. Get out and stay out. They will answer for their sins but don't hang around to see it. He nor she will ever change. Abuse doesn't die if conditions are still fertile they get worse.

    I was and probably to an extent still am in a similar situation. I got married and had an evil mother in law and sister in laws. My husband soon became the same. I kept on thinking and praying thatt things will change - but they only got worse. It took ten years for me to walk away but with 3 daughters as casualties.

    He and they threatened me with divorce every minute. I thought I would die. To this day I am scarred - I cannot forget the torture and pain I suffered. I suffered in silence and told no one - because I did not want to hurt my frail mum.

    Alhamdulillah, Allah SWT took care of me. My girls are my sword and shield now. My husband and his family thought id beg him as usual to take me back. What they never understand was that I only ever remained in the marriage because he was the father of my children. We divorced after 15 years. At ten years I told him to leave. We have not lived together since.

    He did then change. He became desperate to marry me again because he knew I would move on. But he was too much of a coward to tell his family that he wanted me back.

    We did remarry - but they do not know and only islamically. I have no contact with them. I also do not live with him. I feel so much loss and waste of life.

    I do still care about him and love him too. But sometimes things are too late. I no longer respect him as a husband or even a human. I long to be loved by a real husband. I know I can live without him. I stay like this because I do not want my daughters to be shared from one to the other while they arey young.

    He has lost not only my respect but our children's' too. But we have also lost too. Me, a husband and them a loving family unit and father.

    Don't make the same mistake. Get out before you have kids and ask Allah SWT to help you. Dont waste your life dating - it's haram and it will give you trouble. Do things the right way. You are young and still have time.


  7. Asalam o alaikum sister
    This situation of urs has become a story of almost every house in Pakistan
    Parents marry their daughter in her early 20s (I got married at 19 though) n she has to end her education, in laws n husband start abusing n even physically beat in some cases n if she doesn't leave earlier she has to tak kids who r born if she passes more time
    The reason behind it is EXPENSIVE DOWRY GIVEN BY THE GIRL'S PARENTS TO THe UNDESERVING HUSBAND n his family,as inflation is increasing greed of husband s family is becoming more
    Keep in mind sis a man who couldn't stand for u n take his parents side is nt the right one for u,he is surely cheating u,must hav affairs etc.SO DON'T WAIT N APPLY FOR KHULA,things will only worsen with time,they may evn kill u
    Im saying so bcos of my self experience
    Just lyk un ur case my ex pretended to be deeply loving with me bt started showing himself soon,since it was an arranged marriage I was forced by my family n other elders to continue with him,I used to come back to my parents bt again everyone forced me to go back,which only increased number of my kids (I hav 3 kids now)although I wanted to leave him when I had only 1 bcos I came to know abt his affairs with old aged divorced women n he did this to usurp her money
    One important thing sis,instead of asking about this problem in Islamic website v need to write about it to the government
    CM of Punjab has started a woman development program which gives u solution to ur problem
    Now there is a law on domestic voilence,all women facing this should raise their voice against such men n their family who ruin them at an early age
    Nawaz Shareef should put a ban on giving dowry by the girls parents,instead Islamic law of heavy amount of mahar shud b fixed,so sister write on the government s page on facebook lets make a foeum for this
    Domestic voilence shud end bcos this is the cause of all social evils n real reason behind this is greed of that man n his family

  8. Dear binte hawwa101, I cried reading ur post.i know how u feel because I have been through the very same.I was abused ,accused and kicked out of the house .my whole dowry and jewellery was stolen and was left by myself with my five month old child.they were the same so called religious people ,but are not.these people are infactw hypocrites,using religion name to cover up their deadly sins.before u go all mad and loose ur confidence and sense as I did ,grab strength and get rid of these people.your husband is more at fault than your mother in he is weak and is letting u suffer.such people never change.the thought of why this happened to you and what your fault was and where u did wrong will invade ur mind at all times.but such questions have no answer.move on as I strong as I am trying to be.forget the painful past as u have.I wish u all the best dear.

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