Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I realy want divorce because I can’t live with him but mother won’t agree

law fiqh marriage divorce


i have been married for over a year to my mums nephew from pakistan. In this one year we have had a lot of problems and havn't realy got on. he is emtionally abusive and has emotionally blackmailed me on many occassions also because he lives in pakistan he is unable to support me financially and emotionally he couldnt and wouldnt support me anyway he brings me down instead. he doesnt pray and when i was in contact with him even though he lives in pakistan and i live in the UK i feel like he brings me down and because of the arguments and problems i dont pay much attention to my religion.

in the past he has tried to cut me off from female family members and friends etc and is realy controlling even though we dont live together. I spent 6months living with him in pakistan after our marriage which wasnt easy for me at all being away from my family but he wasnt very nice to me nor was his mum or elder sister. when i came back from pakistan i tried to tell my mum about these problems but she didnt even listen to everything i had to tell her and didnt take seriously what i told her as for them emotional abuse is nothing even though my mum has been through all this and so much more herself.

After coming back to UK we had a lot of arguments on phone and he stopped talking to me for weeks most of the arguments were about him having problems with me going out and talking to my female cousin and aunty. i dont go out unless i have to go somewhere with my mum as she doesnt like going out alone and to look for a job in order to apply for his visa. he realy wanted me to work and call him over but at the same time didnt want me to go out. i found a job twice and left because they wernt jobs i felt comfortable in for reasons like too many males from back home harrasing me etc.  after a few months i visited pakistan for 3 weeks stayed with him and still had a lot of provlems.

when i came back had even more problems since then he didsomething which has totally put me off him i have no respect left for him and i dont think i could ever respect him or look to him ljke a wife should look to her husband because of all these problems i have realy bad thoughts about him and  i dont think of him as a man  hes a joke and because of the way he is i fear i may commit sins. its been a few months we havnt spoken apart from me telling him i want  divorce je said he would give me divorce but when family found out he changed his decision and now he says only when i go to pakistan he will give me divorce but i cant go because my life will be at danger if i go there.

i have seeked help through college as there have been problems after my family found out that i asked him for divorce. i realy dont aee any way of this marriage workinf i realy want a divorxe i have so many reasons to leave him and none to stay with him. my family. well my mum and her sister have a realy big problem with this and try to make me feel guilty. please tell me is it wrong for me to seek divorce?


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6 Responses »

  1. Hi sister.. Reading ur story I kind of feel like were both I the same situation... But mine is like way worse because I have a child. I'm still willing to get a divorce. He is also NY moms nephew n that's why it's really difficult because my mother is always defending him even when he's wrong. It's even harder on me to go against my own mother n have to argue with her over this. But they have to understand that islamically this is my life n I have rights. Asking for divorce because I can not bare to live with him is my right. Don't be afraid to use ur rights. We r the ones gonna suffer if we hive up to them. Therefore we must not give in and continue fighting for our rights. I hope this help sister and may Allah give us freedom as we deserve.

  2. Salaams Muslimah93,

    When i read your post i feel your pain and i can only say to you is that it wont improve your husband has been motherly cuddled that he thinks by controlling you its hes right but i am sorry you need to stand up to him and your mum, do not allow yourself to be emotionally blackmailed by anyone, make yourself to BE HEARD it is your right. What shocks me the most is that your husbands behaviour is disgusting and no one deserves to be mentally abused and knowing this your mother is not even supporting you. Do what you want to do and only make choices for you because to me it sounds like your are being treated like a doormat and being used only for one thing, do you seriously want to spend your life with someone who abuses you this is not how an Islamic marriage should be.

  3. dont go to pakistan. apply for a divorce from where you are. if you dont want to be with him then dont be! you mum will come to trems with it. dont buy into the emotional drama.

  4. Walaikum salam sister Muslimah93,
    Sorry to see you going through all this with no support from anyone even your mother. Indeed your husband is very insecure, controlling and suspicious person and certainly no match for you at all. He is not supporting you financially, instead he shouts at you and expects you to spend whenever the two of you are together. There is nothing wrong with you going out to accompany your mother or spending time with your female cousins or friends once in a while, you can't just cut yourself off from the outside world and lock yourself in you house.

    On one hand, he wants you to earn (not that you are supposed to, since it's husband responsibility to provide for his family) but at the same time he wants you to never step out of your front door. How stupid is that, people don't get paid for staying in their house, they have to work hard especially in these times when there are not many jobs. I would highly recommend you to seek divorce from him and never ever go to Pakistan because he might harm you. Please listen to what everyone is telling you, it's for your own good dear sister.
    Speak to your mother one last time, if she understands and supports you to break this marriage then fine otherwise seek help from Islamic Sharia council who will help you to seek a divorce from him, here is the link;

    Here is a quote for you from Lucille Ball,

    Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.

    Let us know if you need further assistance and we will do our best by the grace of Allah (swt).

    May Allah (swt) guide you along the right path and help you make the right decision for your worldly as well as afterlife iA. (Amin)


  5. Sister after all it's your life not your mother's life. yeah it's must to listen our parent but not when they are wrong your mother should support and stand by you.

    you said " he doesnt pray" how can you live with a pray who doesn't pray, doesn't respecting, support you

    Marriage is respect. Marriage is having faith in each other. Marriage is accepting another for what they are. Marriage is coming to the realization that you are not complete without your other half.

    have faith on Allah and pray Salatul Istakhara before you take any action, you are still young and life is waiting for you, talk to your mother with lovely and tell her that you wanna have happy married and live like the other couples, I hope she will understand and forget about going back to Pakistan he can do anything, if he is willing to divorce you he can send the divorce paper trough Email.

  6. i personally think that men in his situation, where they are living back home, and their wives are abroad, have this inferior feeling. So to get back their superiority they pull all this emotional stuff just to feel like they wear the pants in the family. don't go back to pakistan. I have no idea whats in store for you there, but it doesn't sound good.

    Forget about what your mom and khala are feeling that you should do, this situation doesn't look like its going to get any better. and you have a right to a peaceful life with a good partner.

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