Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My friend is in not happy with his future in-laws as they don’t allow both to talk or see each other.


Asallamoalekum brothers and sisters,

A Muslim brother I know is going through a really tough time with the family of the girl he likes. He is the nicest guy I know; he prays 5 times a day and mostly at the Masjid. The girl is a faithful Muslim as well and she wears a hijab. My friend saw her at a wedding a couple of years ago and wanted to get to know her more, so he messaged her on facebook, at first she was really rude to him since she doesn’t talk to a lot of guys, but after she got to know him they became friends on facebook, for almost 2 years they just talked online and after they started to get emotionally attached (online) my friend told her that he likes her and that he wanted to meet her parents to ask for her hand in marriage and if that would be ok with her? she agreed and she told her mom about my friend, and then her parents invited my friend to their house. My friend and his parents went to the girl's house (this was almost a year ago) and both the families got along very well and everyone liked both the families. As time passed, her parents wanted to get to know my friend better so they used to invite him almost once every 2 weeks to their house but without his parents. He didn’t like that, since he wanted his parents to be more involved as well but he didn’t say anything since he wanted to keep the girl’s parents happy too.

Then he got her parents’ permission to get the girls phone number. They agreed and then my friend and the girl started talking on the phone. The girl's mother did a lot of istikharas and she told my friends parents that the istkhara for my friend and their daughter came out really good. In January 2011, both the parents wanted to take things to the next level and make it official. My friend's father was going to their home country, so he was going to get the girl's wedding clothes and jewellery and the girl's parents gave my friend's dad all the designs of clothes they liked and the girl's size and everything. After his father came back to the U.S. the girl's parents said that they wanted to wait a little longer, so my friends family were like ok? Then the girl's mom said that my friend and his family shouldn’t tell their whole family about the rishta yet either, but that they had nothing to worry about since the girl's parents gave their WORD and that a “Muslims word” is bigger than anything, so my friend and his parents respected that and her parents WORD meant more to them than a nikkah at that point.

Then a couple of months ago, out of nowhere, the girl's mom calls my friend and tells him that they want their daughter to study for the next 2 years, so my friend was like ok that’s fine and that he can wait as long as it takes. Then the girl stopped calling/texting/and picking up her phone, so that got my friend worried, eventually the girl replied and told my friend that her parents told her not to talk to him. So he called her mother up and asked her what the deal is because she had just told him to wait and nothing about them not talking at all or anything, so her mom told him that she really wants her daughter to concentrate on her study and not be distracted by anyone (not letting them talk is the biggest distraction for both of them) so my friend asked her mom to please let them talk at least a little bit, so she said let me call you back in a couple of days, which she never did. So my friend kept texting her but the girl only replied with 🙁 faces since she isn’t allowed to talk to him and 🙁 is not technically talking.

Then a month ago, her dad called my friend and told my friend that they think that he is a really nice guy but they did some more istikharas that came out negative and that they have her phone and they are receiving all the text messages he is sending her and they don’t want him to text or call anyone in her family. So my friend was like ok how come the istikhara turned out good for over a year and its turning out bad now? And that we are only supposed to do an istikhara upto 7 times and then trust it, not doubt the first istikhara by doing it again and again for the rest of our lives.  And her dad told him that no, an istikhara is an on-going process and we should all just accept it and move on. Any ways, my  friend did an istikhara and it was positive, his parents did istikharas and they were positive and even I did an istikhara for them and it was positive, and to my knowledge we are only supposed to do an istikahra upto 7 times and then trust it and not doubt Allah swt first guidance, why are these people doing it again and again and again for the same thing?

Please impart some wisdom in me that I might not know of so I can guide my friend accordingly, both the girl and my friend really like eachother and they want to get married with their parent's permission, they never even meet without their parents in the same room, they are both good Muslim kids but I think her parents are being way too unreasonable. They are both extremely hurt these days since they can't talk since that would be disrespecting her parents so my friend really doenst know what to do???


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4 Responses »

  1. Salaams,

    It sounds as if your friend has done everything he reasonably can to speak to her parents directly and try to work out what their concerns and wishes are. I think at this point, there is very little he will be able to do, and he is going to need someone to advocate on his behalf. I would tell your friend to have his parents start doing all the contacting with her parents and see what type of results they can get. It may be just an issue of her needing more focus for school, or it may be more than that. In any regard, in situations like these it is usually best if the older adults -the parents- try to bring some resolution to the matter.

    -Amy Editor

  2. honestly...istikhara should be done by the girl only...parents are not the once getting marred to the boy....the girls istikhara is needed....they dint want the guy..they just gave out the lamest excuse ever...thats not good in islam...

  3. Jazakallah for your replies.

    Sister Amy, his parents tried to contact her parents but they don't pick up their phones anymore. His parents are as confused as him. He recently told me that the girls parents just randomly came over to their house a few days ago to return some stuff my friend had given to her on her birthday, he was at work at the time they came over and just his mom was home. So her parents returned the stuff and still told his mom the same thing over again that their istikharas are negative and that they did a detailed istikhara about their "future" (which I think is so haram) and it was negative.

    Sister Fatma, I completely agree with you! but the thing is, her parents' own istikhara means more to them for some reason. Her parents are extremely social but at the same time they teach Quran to kids in their neighborhood so they think that their istikhara is worth more than anyone else in the world I guess I duno?? but yes, to me, I think they are using the istikhara as an excuse since thats like the best kind of excuse they could have thought of since its hard to argue about.

  4. AA;

    I am not here to give a Fatwa about Istikhara, but Istikhara's goal it to believe in ALLAH and put your trust in him that if this is a good thing you will get it, and if bad inshallah ALLAH will push it away from you. It is nto about you wake up with a dream or you wake up an dit is a sunny day out, etc. SO I am not sure what they mean by positive istikhara!

    With that said, and the fact that alhamdolellah it does not sound like anything happened between you two, then you try to understand what happens, see if it is something than can be done for it, otherwise, this might be ALLAH way to tell you this is not the right one for you! Allah says in the Quran: "You might like something that is bad for you, and you might hate something and ALLAH will put alot of of good in it" Excuse my translation but I think you know the verse I am talking about.

    May ALLAH guide you and bless you and direct you to the best path.


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