Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Getting divorce will displease mother and relatives; will it displease Allah as well?

divorce, break up


I have been married for 1 year and I am still living with my parents as my husband lives in pakistan and i am from US.

My marriage is not working out for me because my husband is not close to Allah he doesn't put his trust in Allah and I am ashamed to say he is not man enough for me.

We argue all the time about petty little things and he is always emotionally blackmailing me and is a control freak. Although we live in different countries he is always talking to me on messenger and he wants to know everything I do; where I go, who I talk to what I do? He doesn't like me talking to my cousins (females) or friends (females). If I go to the supermarket or somewhere with my mum, he still has a problem and says that I shouldn't go out unless I really really need to. If he was saying this from an Islamic perspective I would understand but this is not the case he just wants me to be alone all the time and not to talk to anyone apart from him he doesn't want me to have any friends or stay in contact with cousins. When I was in Pakistan, he didn't even want me to talk to my mum yet he is in Pakistan doing all of this, I am already sick of him and don't want to apply for his visa not that I can without a job.

He has even threatned me that if I ever leave him he will kill himself and I believe the reason for that is the bollywood movies most Pakistani guys seem to imitate and also him not being close to Allah is probably another reason.

What really annoys me the most is he is not Islamic at all but wants to lock me up inside the house and uses Islam as a excuse for that. I spent 6 months after marriage with him in Pakistan at his home and 3 weeks recently with him and even when I was next to him he use to emotionally abuse me and emotionally blackmail me and stuff. I seriously think he needs help but the thing is only I have seen this side to him nobody else has so they don't believe me.

He is my cousin and so breaking the marriage with him will mean my mum and her family will all be against me and maybe even throw me out the house because they are Pakistani and they value their culture more than their religion and this will be great shame for them in their community but InshaAllah they will get over it after some time. The main problem is if we have a divorce will it be displeasing to Allah (swt)? I am not the most religious of people but I put all my trust in Allah and put my relationship with Allah before all other relationships. I try to put Islam before everything and I feel he is making my imaan weak, he really stresses me out and makes me depressed. He has issues with his mental health and he is trying to make me the same way.

Please tell me what i should do and wether or not it would be displeasing to Allah if we divorced.

I realy need help and cant seem to be getting any advice from anyone else so I realy do hope you reply InshaAllah.




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11 Responses »

  1. hello Isra.

    i am a pakistani girl and im from Norway. i am also married to my cousin. to begin with i was not into him at all as i only agreed because of the sake of my family. but you need to live together with your husband to develop a relation which is Holy in our religion.

    as for me, my marriage is on a brink of a divorce just because of the long distance me and my husband had between us . and now im begging him to let me be with him , so that we cant live together.

    Isra as a sister i advice you , try to live with him. be hounest to him. try giving this marriage a chance. and stop believing others. u ow this marriage a fair and hounest chance. if your husband isnt that religious , then you should set an exapmle .

    please do not give up.
    marriage is holy. please dont break it off.

  2. hello, i think that your husband sounds insecure, jealous and controlling. some guys are like this when they are young, and may get better over time. i think that you should pray alot for guidance, and also explain to your husband how his behaviour is making you feel. i also think you should teach him about how Islam respects women and promotes freedom of women, so that he understands that his behaviour in restricing you is not Islamic. i think he doesnt want you to speak to your mom or anyone else, because he wishes to be the only person that is close to you, and is basically jealous and not secure enough within himself to accept that it is natural for you to have people close to you other than him. i think also try talking to your mom about what he is saying to you, to give her a chance to understand.

    divorce is not liked Islamically, but the right to divorce is given by Allah if necessary. I think do try and take positive steps to see if things can improve. but if you decide that there is too big a divide between the two of you and it will be an unhappy life for you to be married to him, then it is better to decide this sooner rather than ten years down the line, where they may be kids/other complications involved.

  3. I am married to my cousin and everything that you are saying reminds me of my marriage. If I were you, I would get the divorce now and do not worry what about making other people happy. If you are not happy in your marriage then you may turn towards other sins and that would be way worse. None of what you wrote sounds like this is even remotely close to a "honeymoon" period in the marriage.

    Seriously, get out of this marriage. Imagine having children with this man and him treating your daughter like that or wanting you to always take responsibility for everything. And killing himself? Extremely childish and abusive. I would not think twice about this.

  4. Sister,

    This is only the beginning of what is yet to come. Your husband doesn't want you to talk to your own mother?! That is sick! If I were you, I wouldn't think twice about what anyone would think about what you plan to do. You are the one who will walk in your shoes in the days and years ahead... no one else. Put yourself first and trust your gut instinct because the reality is, it's often right.


  5. Salam Sister

    I do agree with Sister Najah.
    She is right.

  6. Salamualaiki sister Isra,

    I understand how you feel. It is hard to deal with such situations. But when you have a concern for improving your relation with Allah, then you should move ahead, with trust in Allah and follow the Sunnah of Rasoolullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam.
    You say you are not Religious. None is stopping you from becoming religious, my sister. This is the best thing you can do.

    Now for your husband.
    You said you have stayed with him for sometime. Does he behave the same then, too? Or is it because of his distance from you?

    Divorce is not a joke, sister, this is why you should be careful about what you do.

    But if you still think you can not spend your life with him, then I suggest you to talk to your mother and show her the chat messages on the messenger, explaining how he behaves. Take her in your confidence and somehow have her talk to the guys parents.

    This may create problems between them, but they all should know what is happening. And bu this stage, if you decide to ask for divorce, then I don't think the impact will be as high. This is my personal opinion though.

    Regarding what Allah thinks about divorce, you should know that divorce is the only Halaal thing which Allah does not like, as it appears in a Hadith narrated by Imam Bayhaqi.

    But yes, Allah's displeasure is for a woman who asks for a divorce without any apparent reason.

    Rasoolullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said: "If a women asks her husband for a divorce, for no reason, then the smell of paradise is forbidden for her". (At-Tirmidhi)

    But when you have a reason to ask for the divorce, then insha Allah, it won't lead to the displeasure of Allah, and He Himself Knows Best.

    Do Salatul Istikhaarah to seek Allah's counsel in your situation. Becaste HeIS the One Who Knows your situation and Knows what is best for you.

    Muhammad Waseem Editor

  7. Sister

    You have the power to affect the future of your marriage. Insha'Allah, you can change the course of your marriage before it is too late. If you try, and then choose to end it, although it will not please Allah, it will not anger Him, either. He knows your heart and will understand if you must move on.

    It appears to me that your husband is immature, insecure, manipulative, and not well-versed in Islam. While in a marriage, the husband must be the Imam, there is nothing wrong with providing him gentle support and guidance as a wife.

    However, your attitude that he "is not man enough for me" must be eliminated. You married him. He IS man enough for you. With Allah's guidance, a Muslim man and woman blessed into a holy nikah are well matched to take on any problems that arise.

    Work on quietly bolstering his ego and quelling his fears. He is far away from you right now and needs to know you are committed to him. Do not react to emotional blackmail or attempts at control by pulling against it. Instead, look down the path you are traveling in your life, and keep an eye on your purpose. Keep close to Allah to assure you are on the right path. Then, do not let the petty attempts at control bother you. Keep focused on the path Allah has for you. Keep focused on being sure you are seeing His will. Your husband's insecurities and issues may soon become just endearing qualities or quirks in your mind. Each person has quirks, and those who find a way to see them as just an endearing facet of their spouse's character have a much better chance at a good and fruitful life.

    This will not be easy, and, in the end, it may not be enough. But if you keep your eyes on the path on which Allah is leading you, you will know if or when it is time to consider divorce. Allah will be pleased by your efforts and your actions during this struggle, and will reward you for it.

    If, in the end, you must divorce to maintain yourself on His chosen path for you, He will be pleased with your course of action and your faith.

    AmericanMuslim Editor.

  8. Assalamwalekum sister

    He is your husband - ALLAH has chosen for you - Whatever he is now you have to stay with him and pray as much as possible to ALLAH for him. Please dont lose hope in ALLAH. ALLAH loves you more than anyone - he cant hurt you or make you cry. ALLAH is testing you - If you be grateful to ALLAH and ALLAH will make your husband love you more than you have ever thought in dream. Give more time reading Quran and understanding about the husband and wife relation. Make Sincere Dua for your husband to ALLAH. If ALLAH wants he can change your husband in a day. Its all in the hand of ALLAH. But please dont let the shaitan break the relation. As Shaitan loves to bring fight between husband and wife. JUST HAVE HOPE IN ALLAH -
    WHATEVER WE HAVE TODAY IS ALLAH WILLS and we dont have is our desire. ALLAH wish is better than us. Leave it on ALLAH sister - ALLAH will find a permanent HAPPINESS solution of you- InshahALLAH.
    Just tobe happy in this duniya you want to leave you husband whom ALLAH has chosen for you. Think about AKHRIYAT- just for the sake of ALLAH obey your husband and if you want you can bring your husband into deen.
    ALLAH made you his wife....why?? Because ALLAH hopes that you will bring your husband into deen.
    We our send in duniya to be a slave of ALLAH...and just do the things how ALLAH wants. ALLAH says he gives the who becomes slaves of ALLAH. If you suffer little pain for ALLAH then you will get paradise. dont let shaitan bring distance.
    Talk and make your husband happy. Pray hard for your husband - INSHAHALLAH soon you both will be the happiest person.
    Have hope in ALLAH.

  9. Salam, seems you've had enough of the guy.. I've been in a similar situation as you.. for the sake of making marriage work .. I've ended up with kids & am Getting divorced .. if he's emotionally blackmailing you now it will only get worser.. Go for isthikhara though best option ..

  10. Salaam. its me again. Ive had alot more problems since then and i need advice!! I joined college and my husband threatened to divorce me but didnt actually divorce me after my aunty spoke to his mum and told him off! he wants me to call him over or to live in pakistan with him untill thats possible and i cant do either of those things. He has been rude and aggressive and said he doesnt trust me. he said he doesnt want me to go college because theres boys there yet hes wanting me to work where there will also be men just to call him over. right from the start i did think sometimes he has married me just for my passport now i know for definte from the way hes been acting. after a few big arguments between me and him he told his mum about me and him arguing and that he doesnt want me to go college his mum told my mum and she only told my mum all the things i said in reply to the nasty things he had said and tried to turn my own mother against me! The main thing he told his mum and sisters and everyone about my past about my ex bf who i had left well before we got married. he had known about my ex 6 or more months before all this happened but he now decided to tell his mum and everyone else to make them all turn against me and to stop me from going college. his um told my mum and said alot of nasty things about me they gave my mum a realy hard time over the fone telling her things that were not true about me and so my mum stopped talking to me because of him for over a month. after my aunty spoke to me i told them everything about how none of it was true and everything had been taken out of context they understood where i was coming from so they spoke to him and told him he cant give me a divorce over something so small and that if he did it would be bad for all the family. so they told him he should start talking to me and talk properly and that it wasnt my fault that i couldnt apply for his visa. after that i rang him once and we argued on the fone again after that he kept texting me saying he was going to ring me but didnt call me for a couple of months 4 months i think and went on facebook and changed his relationship status to single and when i messaged him asking him about it he deleted me from facebook. i tried and tried to make things better but he just didnt care i didnt love him anymore and i still dont but i tried for my mum even though i cant stand him after he broke my trust. He still carried on ignoring me. today after 4/5 months hes decided to call to talk to me and i hnestly can say theres no room whatsoever left in my heart for that person i feel ashamed to call him a man because no real man would do such a thing i feel sick thinking about what hes done and what has happened i cant live with him i dont want anything to do with him i hate him thats all i can say i really want to get a divorce even if he tries to make things better now i cant forgive him and i cant forget how he broke my trust and how i spent the last couple of months in depression. I realy dont want to live with him and i feel im doing wrong hating him whilst being married to him i feel like crap to be honest i just want him out of my life i dont want to be with him but people keep saying to me that i should try and that i shouldnt get a divorce im going to go straight to the hellfire even though they know everything thats happened i am confused can i not ask for divorce even when i hate him and can not live with him i cant forgive him and i wont be able to treat him right ever so then how can i stay married to this man???? will it be wrong for me to ask for divorce over these reasons? theres plenty reasons that add to it but il be here all day. some one please help me in my situation if i ask for divorce will it be displeasing to Allah (swt) ???? please i realy need help its gottn so bad i cant sleep at night i cant eat proper and im going into depression.

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