Islamic marriage advice and family advice

He’s blocked me even though my Istikhara was positive.

Broken Glass

Salam,

We started this relationship and initially went for Istikhara by some mufti who was close to him and he trusted him. The reason for not doing istikhara himself was the fear of having a biased outcome.

Anyways istikhara at that time was positive and we were satisfied. And after this his family met my family. After some time he refused to marry because of his father not agreeing. I was left devastated because I ended my engagement because of this guy's promise + other reasons of my own.

He always told me that he loves me till the day he dies but said he will not go against his family. To which I always tried to ask him to talk to his family. Now when our families found out about our involvement again he was given the option to decide for us. He said no and the reason he gave is he can not foresee this going happy. He thinks things will not change between families which is not true.

At this time, after telling me "no," he said he will do Istikhara and then he tells me the result of  that Istikhara did not come out well. Although my Istikhara came all positive when I did.

I tried commiting suicide once because I could not get over him. I left my career for him. I fought with everyone around just for him. He promised me to marry in the past.

My questions are:

1. What about the first Istikhara that was taken (it was by one of imam e kaaba) I really trust its reliability because if coming from such honourable source?

2. Now his father says he will not go against this Istikhara and I am suffering from severe depression and anxiety attacks because there is nothing I can say to him on this. Is there?

3. He says that he did not get any response in Istikhara, like no dream or anything, and he is  confused because of the family factors only. He still exclaimed this to my brother: that his association with me will remain unchanged no matter what Istikhara says! So what should he do now?

4. He has blocked every means of contact and has just stopped talking. Leaving me here all broken. What should I do to explain things to him or his family?

Also, just to mention, during this relationship of 2-3 years we hardly met although we talked and discussed everything (even that which was not permissible). I really love him unconditionally. And I can't just hate or forget him because I have given everything to him.

Regards

SZsz

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5 Responses »

  1. Salam alakum my dear sister,

    When I read your post it gave me goosebumps subhanallah! And the reason being is that I have just gone through the same ordeal as you the only difference is that our relationship lasted 7 months.

    My dear, I’m going to give the honest truth and trying to be as impartial as possible as I don’t have the full disclosure of his side of the story. You need to forget about him and revert to your deen and ask Allah swt to guide you. If this brother had serious intention he would of ensured everything was done in accordance to Islam regardless of his families objections. If you meet the Islamic criterias of a good spouse or at least trying to better yourself as a muslima then I don’t see or understand the aversions of the family . But the truth of the matter is, most so called pious people dont follow the teaching of the Quran, they follow culture.

    I can empathize as I went through the same agony, it was a roller coaster of emotions but please sister always have hope that Allah has decreed someone even better. Allah wants you to cry to him for help. This person isn’t worth your tears or heart aches as if he really wanted this nothing would stop him.

    We live in a self gratification era and many people are selfish , and that’s why, as a women you must keep your dignity and self respect as this man and his family clearly don’t see your worth.

    Inchallah you find solace in Allah , if I can impart some advice, be thorough with your salat and always keep yourself occupied . Perhaps this will be a good time for you to rebuild your career and take some time to reflect . Trust me , i know it’s easier said than done but I can assure you that with time and self reflection Your heart will slowly start to heal . Perhaps Allah was doing you a favour by creating barriers in this relationship as he knew the outcome wouldn’t be in your favour.

    I haven’t spoken to my former prospect for almost a month and hamdullah the memories that were once unbearable, are slowly fading away and I’m much happier. Keep in mind My journey in finding a spouse has been difficult as I Am divorced and Have had unfortunately several failed attempts Of marriage. But despite my Shortcomings, I always thank Allah and I will never lose hope as I know Allah wants me to go through these trials to better myself as person/Muslim
    So I have the right tools to sustain a marriage.

    Trust in the miracles of our creator and once you wholeheartedly give all power to him everything will fall into place the way it’s suppose to. I will keep you in my prayers sister.

    Ma salama

  2. You seem to trust too much in Istikhara not much on you evaluating the character of the man you want to marry. If you did that you would know he is not a trustworthy person and he doesn't love you the way you do. He was given the choice and still rejected you and you wanted to commit suicide over this guy?

    Firstly, as a muslim do you understand the consequences of suicide? It is almost certainly eternal hell repeating your act of suicide along with all the pain that caused it forever and ever! So, you would not be getting away from the suffering but getting it forever!

    This guy does not deserve you. You have given up our career and years of your life for him but he does not appreciate it, you need to see things for as they are - you do not mean much to him and its time to forget him. Why waste any more of your life on this loser? You need to grow some self respect for yourself, I can't believe you want to be with him after all he has done to you.

    As for Istikhara, I would not trust that too much, not even ones done by Imams at the Kaaba, after all, such Imams are political appointees, their status with Allah may be very low, we don't know. And, of course there is no guarantee that satan is not messing with you in your dreams in which case the Istikhara will be completely wrong.

    You need to start valuing yourself as a person and stop pining over someone who has clearly rejected you.

    • Salaam
      I agree with everything else but what brother says about istikharah. Allah tells us to make istikharah, but I do believe we as a community are not making it correctly.

      Allah(Subhana WaTa'ala)says

      “Oh, you who believe! Ask for help through patience and offering the prayer. God is with those who are patient.” (al-Baqarah 2:153)

  3. Salaams: If a man blocks you from communicating with him, pay close attention. It is heart breaking but a giant red flag, the size of the Great Wall of China: He is someone you should not marry. And someone who does not want to be with you. Move on.

    You do not need to do istikhara to help you make that decision. The man's behavior is a loud statement. You do not need istikhara if you go to a store and it is closed, if you should take a job that has rejected your application or if you should move to an area where there is no housing or employment. Some things in life require common sense. It seems you (and perhaps your former interest and his family) do not understand istikhara. You make special prayers and ask Allah to help you in an important decision. There is no necessity for having a dream or some kind of premonition. It is not required. No one else is to be involved. Not sure why an imam was even consulted.

    You have gotten far too emotionally involved and will need some time to get over this relationship or whatever it is. Perhaps you should start making extra prayers asking Allah to help you through this trial and to guide you to be mature enough and to meet someone who is trustworthy and compatible for you.

  4. Salam dear sis, I just came across this. How are you now? Did things get better for you? May Allah heal you ameen.

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