I lost him, just because of my father; he has agreed to marry someone else
Forced marriage is prohibited in Islam.
Salam,
I was 19 years old. I was proposed to and waited for a man for 6 years. I am now 26 years old. This year his parents came to my house to ask for my hand my dad told them no. We come from same culture except we speak different dialects.
My dad didn't tell me about the propose nor asked me what I want. My dad saw no faults with the man but simple fact they speak a different dialect on top the day his parents came my dad insulted them indirectly by keeping his pj on instead of dressing up.
It's been almost 8 months. Now the guy finally tells me after 6 years is not possible. He said he won't ask for me because no one in my family spoke up for me and because I did not. My dad is not a typical dad in my culture it's shameful to talk about marriage with your dad, I feel it's a si. That my father did not ask what I want or how I feel.
Ive loved this many for a long time and my dad took him from me. I am so lost and heart broken. I just found out the guys family went to ask for another girl. He agreed to it. I am so heart broken. The girls family has accepted but both the guy and girl have yet to speak and will soon. I don't know what to do. I am depressed and can't do anything. I can't believe he left me and after one month he found it okay to ask for someone else.
From the beginning I told him my dad is hard to deal with he was okay with it. I built my dreams and hopes round this man. I gave other men no thoughts because of him. In our culture girls parents don't search for men for their daughters.
I want to get over this man since he left me. How can I. He didn't see fit to fight for me more and gave up on me...and now am empty and left alone and do not know what to do with my life.
Please help me with some duas. I wish I could get him back...,the girl hasn't accepted just yet and he says why wouldn't she say yes to him... 🙁
I am lost now...and only Allah can help me.
~ ava1986
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Salaams,
This is the second post I've read recently where the sister is stating that the father does not look for a spouse for the daughter. I have to ask, if the parents don't help you find a husband, how exactly does a lady in your situation get married?
When I first started reading your post, and you mentioned that you were proposed to when you were 19, I thought you meant that your parents were involved on some level. I thought initially that maybe they changed their mind along the way. After reading the rest of your post, it's clear to me that whatever proposal you got at 19 really wasn't worth much. It seemed to be nothing more than a notion in your head that you would marry this person, and you went with that notion and basically locked out all other options for 6 years. You did this even though there was no certainty in the matter, because your parents had yet to give consent.
In the meantime, as you say, you knew already your father was not going to be easy to work with. The best thing that you could've done is spent those 6 years trying to get him ready to come around, so he would be open minded once this guy came to ask for your hand formally. You didn't do that, and you didn't do it because YOU felt like it was a sin to discuss such things with a father...even though it's not a sin at all.
So, in a sense, the outcome you are sitting on now is partly to do with the way you managed things. Instead of coming to your father in the beginning, and telling him of this guy's interest and working it from there, you instead chose to have a haraam relationship with the guy behind your parents back for 6 years...all the while neglecting to loop them in so that it could have a better ending than it did a beginning.
I hate to sound off-hand. It's clear that this guy came to your dad (who apparently was not expecting him or prepared to hear his proposal without bias) and was rejected, and then decided to regroup by moving on to another proposal which he has now accepted. I can't say I blame him for doing this, because I believe on some level he must've trusted you to try to "help him out" by working with your dad, which you avoided doing out of fear.
Now, instead of looking at this situation to see what YOU could've done differently, you are putting the full blame on your dad for ruining your life. Instead of learning from the lessons available, you are trying to find a "quick fix" so that you can keep this guy in your life. At this point, the reasonable and mature thing to do would be to let him go, and look at how you can do things differently going forward so that you can have a better outcome.
The best way to move on from a rejection is to find someone else to capture your interests. Like I said, I don't know how that typically works out in your culture, but whatever avenues are available, you should explore them. If your culture is one that is rigid about arranged marriage within the family, and don't want you to even consider marrying a person of your free choice, it's time to sit down and talk with your parents about your rights as a daughter regarding seeking a mate. If they refuse to be reasonable even then, it may be time to discuss your situation with the local imam or a respected sister at your mosque.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
sister,
Try and speak to your dad about this man and tell him that rejecting somebody on the basis of what language they speak is frankly ludicrous. If this man was known to do haraam for example, then your dad has every right to protect you but if it's based on where somebody's family is from- how could this man possibly control that??
I don't agree with the post above which is aimed at blaming YOU for the situation, i feel that you and this man had an understanding and his family are obviously wanting him to move on with his life and marry. You were obviously their first choice. Now that he has agreed to marry another girl it may be difficult for you to get him back. But you could try speaking to your dad and explaining to him that you didn't know anything about his proposal when they came to your house. but sister saying that it is a sin to speak to your father about marriage is not true nor is it an excuse...you have to stand up and fight for him if it is him you really want- as long as your parents agree he is a good muslim thats all that should matter
I pray Allah does whats best for you
Salam sister Amy,
Sorry for my typos, I did not proofread my story.
You don't understand. My father is not the type who sits and listens to you. He is very strict and cares about honor and reputation. Those things are more to him than life. He cares about your tribe and what people will say if he gives his daughter to someone of a different dialect even though we have same ethnicity.
Thank God, yes I've sinned but, I've never had sexual relations. I am pure like the day I was born. We don't go to places alone nor hang out. We rarely ever do and if we do its with my sister.
I just got a text from him that he does not wish to marry the girl and that he will convince his parents that they do not suit they have not met either nothing is official he told me. I've been praying lately and hoping to Allah to soften my dads heart when the guy convinces his parents to come again to ask for my hand. In my culture the son does not come with the parents at the initial stage only parents and few close family friends or members come.
It's sad but many times parents choose what's convenient for Them in religion and don't think twice about important things that Islam deems important. My father expects us girls to sit home and stay put until a man comes for us, we are not expected to find a mate nor do the girls parents look for their daughters husbands. They only look for their sons.
Please make duas for me.
Ramadan mubarK
salam, it is sad what happened to you. I also disagree that it was your fault. You have done everything you could and it was not you to refuse the man but it was your father. You did nothing wrong. I pray that Allah saves you from the wrong decisions that your father is taking.
A human can only try which you have done but what you miss was never going to be yours and what you get would have come to you in every way. It is the truth and we should accept it as our destiny as decreed by the Almighty Allah.
So, have faith in Allah and dont be hurt by thinking what your father did to your life rather understand it was supposed to happen whatever the reason.
I agree with you ruhiiejarifa 100%
Salaams,
I think it's good if I tell you that just because I didn't focus on what your father did, doesn't mean I agree with how he's handling things. For the record, I think he is in the wrong to not help you and actively work against you. I seriously have a problem with any parent who makes their cultural orientation more important than their practice of Islam, especially when it is causing damage to other family members. He, nor any father, should not sabotage a daughter's efforts to marry in this way. After all, we don't pledge shahadah to a culture, we pledge shahadah to Allah and following His Messenger.
I said what I said only because 6 years is a long time to be dealing with someone without it progressively moving toward the goal of marriage. I tend to believe that your dealings with him were behind your parents back and that they were unaware of it, because if they had known they seem like the type to try to keep you from him. Needless to say, having affiliations with someone of the opposite sex is haraam, which you don't disagree with. I just tend to think if you were that motivated to keep the relationship going for so long, the least you could've done is put all that time to good use in looking for a way to marry.
In the end, what's done is done. If you are trying to work it out now to still bring about the marriage, then you have to make every effort to combat the obstacles in front of you. If you can't find a way to break through your dad by communicating with him, you have to find a way around your dad by finding someone else that will pick up the responsibilities he is shrugging off. One thing you CANNOT do, you cannot say "oh, there are so many things in my way, I am just going to sit here and wish they disappear" and not take any action to move toward your goals. In life (especially marriage), there are so many things that will block the way to what we are trying to achieve, and the last thing we should do is give up and let circumstances control the outcome. You have to fight for what you want, even if it means doing what's uncomfortable, difficult, culturally unacceptable, and scary. After all, there would be no Islam if Prophet Muhammad (saws) didn't do the same himself.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
asalamalikum,
good Amy, iam pleased that you used some kindness this time. Amy you out right blamed her thats not fair.i know your intention was not to be harsh or ruthless but blaming peole for the circumstances or how their family behaves is also not the right attitude specially when they come here hurt and trying to find and answer.
this girl is in a tough position i think she handled it quite well by keeping it the way her dad would have liked i.e a guy brings a proposal and dad hopefully will accept it , if she would have told dad before that iam very sure she would have been restrained in the house for sins she never comitted.
Amy, its very easy for you to say that 'YOU' are to be blamed ! who else want this to work out more than her? and words like 'quick fix' are just a little too much.
i think the way she has handled it has still left her with a chance that may be some one like mom or other family member can try convincing the dad. if she would have told her father anything about this guy before hand, he would have gone ballistic.
ava, do istakhara and ask Allah to make it easy for you . inshallah allah will make a way for you and soften your dads heart.
inshalla ya rabi al alamin you will get the men in your life and He will make you happy in the world ..
pray for me too .. right now I have the same trouble in 10 years: (: (: (
Salam sister Ava1986,
You must make it clear to this guy that you did not know that his family proposed 8 months ago and that your father had refused them. He also did not make it known to you. You must also make it clear that you have waited for him for 6 years and both of you must strive to make this work. You cannot do this alone. It is not right of him to give up without consulting you. Allah knows best.
Sister i completely understand and known how you are feeling right now. I was in your situation except i didn't have a guy in mind other than i wanted my parents to get me married when i was young in my twenties i am now over 30 and still my parents are not even bothering looking. To be honest i have given up, I dont hate my parents except say ulhumdiallah, what allah wills will happen i wont feel sorry for myself and i don't approach guys which decent girl does. I completely know the feeling when you say girls don't talk about private stuff theres your limits etc, but even so your dad should have asked you, I know it is easy for me to say this but my parents do ask me what i want but i only wish sister i got married when i had a chance i live in regrets. Sister whatever happens leave it to allah
My advise to you is, that it is his lost, hes a guy rishtey come easy for the men divorcees, or not, you look forward to what allah has given you and will continue to be on your side no matter what. One thing i have now learnt is no parents, friends, or family members will ever admit their mistakes and it is not your fault or my parents its allahs ways of writing our kismet even though i don't agree or like it, i wouldn't change it, the rest whenever inshallah.
if you choose to work it out with the guy, please involve in your parents do not lose your respect. I honestly think the guy has been pushed or forced to marry the other girl to get back at your father. Communicate and try convincing both sides because i honestly believe if you have chosen your partner islamically you have a right to marry them, wish you the best
heyake
I personally feel dis guy is true to u because he remained committed to u for 6 years as u did to him and also made an effort by sending proposal to ur parents.If u cant talk to ur dad about it den pls tel ur mom and also take ur sisters support.tel ur mom everything honestly ,take her in confidence n let her deal wid ur dad on her own .pray to Allah to do what is best for u .Inshaallah ur parents will agree if it is best in ur interest.dont forget to do istikhara .il pray for u .
I am afraid to say islamically he is allowed to do that. Hence why in islam who are not allowed to mix with men and fall in "lust"
Thats how the cookie crumbles. That is why Allah wishes toprotect us women. men move on so easily, us women on teh other hand get emotional and it ruins lives.
Next time live by the quran and sunnah. Do not have a relationship with a man out of marriage.
Perhaps your father said no because he knew you were having a haram relationship with this man?
You should of safe gaurded yourself.
If teh father rejects the proposal you both are meant to move on and ask others or suiters come to you. Thats how it goes in islam.
there is no 6years relaitionship wait.
The brother should of asked your father from DAY 1. not 6years later agter you both did haram. and he broke your heart? thats not islam. Do things islamically and you will not have a broken heart.
Let the man speak to you father on day one agree if he likes you. If you father does not approve then you dont loose anything as you didnt meet and have a relationship.
if you father approves then your father will allow you to meet him also with your father being present at all times to make sure no relationships start.
You are encouraged to agree to the liking one another after a few meetings. Your father should run background check and then you guys get married ISLAM makes marriage simple. but people commplicated it by having haram relationships and when it doesnt work out they cry and complain. You really did this to yourself and learnt the hard way i am afraid. But now i outlined the proper way inshallah you do things right next time.
Wali number one stop for any man wanting to marry you. if he tries to start relationship with you then he is fake and thinks your easy and will dispose of you when he has finsihed playing games.
if you tell a brother who approaches you, speak to my wali that will scare away 99% of men becuase they only want fun and haram relationship. I did this myself and most men tryed to talk me out of getting wali involved. But if he is a god fearing man he will respect that and Expect that.
I just wanted to say that I know it is easier said than done but its very important not to invest emotionally (or physically) of course in any relationship without first involving the parents. Involve them right from the beginning - even if you are afraid what they will say. This is so so important. Never ever wait for anyone unless you have got the approval from both your parents and his parents. Taking these steps could prevent so much heartache.
I think its very sad what your father is doing in the name of culture. Or should I say what he is not doing. Pray to Allah (swt) to soften your father's heart if this guy is good for you, but keep an open mind as well sister.
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor