Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Should I marry him, even when he is being unfaithful?

needy

ASA,

My story is somewhat difficult to understand, so I will take my time. Before reverting to Islam I dated a Muslim guy when I was still in my early teens. He moved on with his life for a career.

He came back 20 years later looking to rekindle our relationship. I was so happy to see him again. Now I was Muslim by the time he came back and we decided to get married. However, I noticed a huge problem with that. He was extremely bossy and controlling so I moved away for a while. In between that we continue to see each other.

He convinced me to come back and without him being honest, he had started anther relationship with a non Muslim woman. I found out in a very nontraditional way. His grandfather had passed away and that was how I found out. I was crashed. Not because of the new relationship but the way I found out and how terrible his Muslim family made excuses for his behavior. As a Muslima I expect more from my fellow Muslims. No one is perfect, but my feeling were hurt and i knew these people for years.

Well, anyway, he is still seeing me and this other woman that he been seeing since I left. I just found out a few days ago that he is seeing another woman (Non-muslim) too. He says that he could never commit to one woman but would still want to marry me. He wants to do the right thing and take on another wife but only if I choose, so therefore we can get along without drama. Sounds alright I guess, except we are not married yet.

He wants to get rid of the other two women for one good Muslima bride, Is he really trying to follow Islam the correct way? Do not know. I can not trust him. He does not pray nor understand how important it is to teach me Quran. I was tricked into this one sided relationship and do not know how to leave. I can not believe that I am in such a hurtful love triangle. I cry all the time and pray that Allah would cease my heart from loving him.

We do travel together but is told that I can not make myself known to either women or else he would leave. How can any man treat a good loving woman in such a way?

Oh I forgot to add that he moved in with one of the women and is bouncing between two houses. He even got one of the women, pregnant. I found that out as a matter of fact conversation by his best friends wife.

I live with family. No room for nonsense in my family's house. I love this man, we have so much history, but not written in this blog. How could anybody do me like that. I feel stuck and do not know what to do.

I once married before reverting to a non Muslim man and he treated me like a queen before he died and now a Muslim man? There is no respect, no love for his Muslima sister and absolutely no fear of Allah. Its a serious shame of the arrogant some people hold.

I am a close to my fifties with three beautiful daugthers, and they are watching this Muslim man jump around, like GOD gave him the right to treat women like trash. Now it is easy for someone to say , just leave, but truthfully I need some good solid advice from another man because this really got me so messed up. I am so angry and frustrated.

Now do I really want a Muslim marriage? I am not sure. I know only a few Muslim woman that can say that their husband is only with them, or taking care of business or just wanting to grow old with her alone without any added on extra wives. I am so disgusted right now. And please do not say that Allah gave men the right to have more than one because I will scream. I understand all that, and its excepted but it gives no man the right, to think it is alright to treat women like a tool belt you wear when ever you need to fix something, (Their sexual needs) for instances. Need a thought on this!

Shadiquah47

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10 Responses »

  1. Assalaamualaikam

    This guy is not upholding Islamic values when it comes to how he is treating women. Islam has clear guidance that protects and maintains the rights of women. Unfortunately, although Islam is perfect, humans aren't.

    Islamically, this guy isn't your husband, so you should not have private or intimate contact with him, even if he weren't acting in such a way.

    So, you need to decide if you want to marry this guy. When we are looking for a spouse, we have guidance from Islamic teachings, which advises what we should look for:

    1) Deen: Well, he doesn't pray, he doesn't seem interested in helping you learn more about Islam, and one of his main hobbies seems to be committing zina - so, he wouldn't really tick this box for me.

    2) Good character: The behaviour you describe seems irresponsible, inconsiderate and manipulative, none of which suggest he is of good character. If he can't live his own life in accordance with Islamic values, how is he going to manage to be head of an Islamic household?

    3) Compatibility: You may have history with him, but it doesn't seem particularly happy history. The two of you seem to have different priorities and values in life, and this seems to have led to conflicts and unhappiness in the past.

    4) Agreement of our Wali that this man is suitable: I don't know if you have any male Muslim relatives, but if not, think about what your father would say if he knew how this guy treats you - would your father wish you to marry someone who behaved in this way?

    Regardless of what has happened in the past, in order to move on from here, you need to think about what you want and need in the future. My advice would be to repent for the past transgressions (pre-marital romantic or sexual involvement is not permissible in Islam), tell this guy to leave you and your family alone, and trust in Allah to guide you to a man who will treat you with the respect you deserve. Although there are players out there, there are also many good Muslim men, who are of strong faith and good character (if you read posts from some of the brothers who contribute to this site, you will see that there are decent men out there).

    Think about the example you wish to set for your daughters. Show them that a Muslim woman is strong and able to think for herself. Show them that they should never accept a man treating them the way this guy has been treating the women in his life.

    As well,I'd advise that you should get a sexual health screen done if you have had intimate contact with this guy. He's been sleeping around, and may not have been using barrier contraception.

    May Allah help you find a pious Muslim husband who will treat you well.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

  2. It's simple sister, this guy is not sticking to Muslim values nor has good morals! If you marry him he will continue to cheat on you, he is not trustworthy. Don't marry him, leave him and move on.

  3. Leave him and move on.
    DON'T MARRY HIM, YOU DESERVE BETTER

  4. OP: He says that he could never commit to one woman but would still want to marry me.

    Why would any woman want to marry this man? You seem to be a NEEDY woman.

    A marriage where a man want to sleep other women openly is a sham marriage, a marriage only in name.

    Keep this man away from your family too, you have 3 daughters.

  5. Sister,

    Please don't marry this man. He clearly holds no value for himself let alone you. If you believe he will change for you, you are mistaken. This man you speak of has no character or moral values at all irregardless of his faith. If you want to marry, there are many good men in this world. Don't waste your time on him...you can do way better.

    Salam

  6. Dear Sister;

    Being a born Muslim, I Know how born Muslims are. Since my early childhood, I learnt a lot about Islam, The Glorious Quran, about Salah, etc. I started keeping whole of the month of Ramadan, never drank any wine, no cigarettes, what to say of drugs, never went to parties even tried to stay away from wedding parties and dances and when I was in the university I never went out to chase girls which was a norm with some boys. But believe me, a time came when when I grew even more infatuated with Islam, and I thought about my past Islamic values, I was shocked that all along I had been thinking more of this Dunya and less of Akhira. Now I call myself a reborn Muslim.

    Sister through my story I want to tell u that born Muslims not practicing their Islamic values are worst off than non believers. So stay away from this man. If u are a revert, u should try to dwell more on ur Islamic values rather than on this man who is more than a kafir. If u transform ur love for this man and turn more towards ALLAH, He will find u a true practicing Muslim. You are confusing ur self between a true Muslim and a Muslim just in name. Make sure that ur love for this man is not because of excessive hormones or libido because the women's decisions that rest on these haram things always end in vey disastrous situations.

    Sister, sorry to say that u are moving towards the path of ur previous fath, U need to work upon ur deen and prayers is not just ur fardh nimaz, there are 12 Sunnah attached with it also which for an old Muslimah like U are also important. They may not be Important for a fresh revert to Islam, but for u they are. Go on the net and search for Dua for ur kind of situation.

    Allah has not given any right to a Muslim to have more than one wife, if he cannot treat them equally. ALLAH says in the Quran, that u can choose by ones, twos, threes, and fours but if u cannot treat them equally then U can have one wife only. Many people are interpreting it wrongly for their own benefit.

    Beware, stay cautioned and never develop any haram relationship with him if u still have not.

    If still u are adamant and will not listen to the advice posted here by ur brothers and sisters, then do Istikharah and then follow as ALLAH commands.

    May ALLAH grant u the hidayah of true Muslimah and let u come to a correct decision. AMEEN

    .

  7. ASA -

    If I were you, I'd find someone else. With his family, you may be encountering the tendency of some who are "born Muslim" to not respect reverts/converts as much as they would respect a "born Muslim.'" Then again, some "born Muslims" also treat other "born Muslims" poorly.

    One of the classics is to marry a revert/convert and give her a very tiny mahr and persuade her to sign over any future inheritance. I've known Sisters who fell for that one - one even told me "his family are Muslims in a Muslim country - they told me that the *children* inherit and take care of their mother - so of course I signed."

    All too often they find themselves and their children dumped when DH goes onto a wife more acceptable to his family - usually after he has received his green card and even US citizenship.

  8. NS: All too often they find themselves and their children dumped when DH goes onto a wife more acceptable to his family – usually after he has received his green card and even US citizenship.

    Every thing is preplanned in most cases. Family knows the marriage is only to get GC/citizenship. Some times the guys are already married with wife and kids back home.

  9. Run as fast as u can away from this loser and don't look back!!!!! Think, would u allow ur girls to to be treated like this???

    “Real love brings about calm—not inner torment. True love allows you to be at peace with yourself and with God. That is why Allah says: “that you may dwell in tranquility.” Hawa is the opposite. Hawa will make you miserable. And just like a drug, you will crave it always, but never be satisfied. You will chase it to your own detriment, but never reach it.”
    ― Yasmin Mogahed, Reclaim Your Heart

    Editor: There is another poster with the name Lisa. Is there a way we can diffentiate our user name?

  10. Assalam alaikum,

    All of the advice above is excellent.

    I did find 'and one of his main hobbies seems to be committing zina' @ Midnightmoon funny as it's true. Of course the act itself is disgusting, but it was funny how she put it. I also like the quote in the picture.

    Anyway, you only have to read back the title of your own post and then realise what on earth are you thinking and what example are you setting your daughters. I have two young daughters and am divorced following an arranged marriage with a serial cheater but I have had my time and now my efforts must go into serving Allah and ensuring my daughters have a better life.

    This life is temporary and we are here to please Allah. At least you have had the opportunity to experience a relationship and have kids as some don't even get that. It is better to remain alone and dignified than become someone's grubby bit on the side without having any rights.

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