Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Seeking comfort from someone else

Angel or devilAssalamualaikum. I have been married for 23 years, in unhappy and lonely years. I have two teenage kids who now share the unhappiness. My husband is a compulsive liar who lies everyday over nothing. He claims to love us, but lies before our very eyes about us. When we confront him, he says we are crazy and against him and that we are the liars. He has made us look like liars and made himself look like the victim in front of my family countless times. His family believes in him.

My children finally understand how difficult my life has been as they get older and experience the same frustrations that I experience with their father.

Every morning I leave for work, I make the same dua, 'Please Allah send angels to comfort my daughters, to guide them and support them and love them.' They are sad and lonely too. I make the same dua for myself. Aside from my kids, I have nothing. The loneliness is killing me. When I was a teen, I never had a boyfriend and I dreamt that by abstaining from it, Allah would reward me with a wonderful husband, but that never happened.

A few months ago, at work, I asked my supervisor time off to take care of my daughter who was sick. I told him how exhausted I was. I told him that even married, I was pretty much a single mother. I apologized for asking him for a day off yet again. I started to cry. He came around the desk and asked me if he could give me a hug. I wear a hijab. I got up and he put his arms around me and held me as I cried. I felt safe and protected in his arms. I have never felt that with my husband who has always turned my unhappiness into a joke and has often mocked me. But this man, he held me and over and over again, he said, "You will be okay, it's going to be okay." Maybe, I was in his arms for a minute. But my body shook with sobs and he just held me tight. He told me that his door was always open to me. He told me he was only a text away, anytime.

My husband comes home late every night and even when I tell him there is a problem at home, he is not bothered to come home. He always claims he is working even though when I drive by his work, his car is not there. He is mean to the children that they feel happy when he leaves or when he is sleeping. But this man at work, it was not his responsibility to take care of me, but he did.  After I returned to work, he would ask me each day if I was okay. He would smile and wink as he passed me in the halls. None of this was sexual or over the top. In the halls, he would often pat my shoulder or back as he asked me if I was okay. These gestures meant the world to me. He comforted me and I felt that finally someone was seeing me and my pain.

In 23 years, I have never shook hands with a man. I have never hugged and kissed men at work even though I live in North America and men and women hug and kiss regularly, even Muslim men and women, even hijabis. My husband, on the other hand, flirts with women, right in front of his teenage daughters and has no shame. He grew up in Pakistan.

Recently, this man, my supervisor, I will call him Jack, was transferred to another office. I was devastated when I found out. He called me to his office and told me he would always be there for me. It did not matter if we no longer worked in the same building. Again, he is married. None of this is sexual. Can he be the angel that I asked Allah to send me? I do not want to seek out his comfort. He is not Muslim. He does not know that it is wrong for me to even look at him or vice versa. But when he was still in my office, I was always happy to have a reason to see him even though I never made up reasons to see him.

Now at the new office, I still have meetings with him. We might see each other once every two weeks. He always greets me with a hug and kiss and I am happy to accept. I really want to believe that he is the angel I have been praying for. I don't want a romance or sex. I just want that feeling of comfort that he gave me. I want the compassion and understanding he showed me. Can this really be wrong? Just because my husband has treated me badly, I do not want to ruin my akhira by getting back at him. For me it is not revenge, it is survival. It is my sanity.

I talked to my brother about divorce a few years ago. but my brother said, that if I divorced, it would be a bad example for my daughters and no one would marry them and they are already teens. When I had no kids, I told my mother that I could not stand this life, and she said she would never speak to me again if I talked about divorce. I was stupid. I should have done it anyway. It was not her life and now I have ruined three lives. But I thought, if I make my mother unhappy, I will not go to Jannah. Instead, I have also put my children in hell in this world.

I try to make up for their father's bad behavior by doing double shifts for my kids. I am more tolerant, I give them Eid money because the father never does. I take them places, I buy them things. I tell them as long as they have one parent to love them, they are better off than the kids who have no one.

This friendship with this man is the only thing I want for myself. Please tell me, is he the angel that Allah has assigned to bring some compassion into my life? My heart is broken since I realized within months of my marriage that there was no way I would ever get away from my husband.

Please dear readers, make dua for me and my daughters that they will live an Islamic life, that they will find good Muslim husbands and live in Jannatul Firdaus. I hope that there is no one else who has a story like mine, but sadly I know there are worse than mine out there.  May Allah help us all, protect us and guide us along his path.  Ameen.  Summa Ameen.

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8 Responses »

  1. Walekum Salaam Sister

    May Allah ease your difficulty and grant you best of this life and hereafter . I am really sorry to hear about your struggles with your husband and his unIslamic behaviour towards his family . We all need someone for love and affection , and Allah has made ways for us to have these beautiful experiences in our life . Allah has made institution of marriage of this purpose where Muslim Men and women can become source of Tranquility for each other , but unfortunately sometimes husband or wife fail to reciprocate it . Any type of Physical or emotional contact with Non-Mehram is strictly prohibited in Islam , even , if marrying non-Muslim is not allowed for Muslimah . This was what shariah says . Now your question that whether Jack is angel or not ? Sister , there is no perfect men . As a men , I can clearly say to you that men if given a chance always look for that thing , it's in our subconsciousness , But yeah Shariah tells us to discipline our selves . So beware that someone is not taking advantage , also he is not single as well as he is non Muslim . Allah has opened the door of divorce for you , and if you want then you can opt for this option and find a pious Muslim Men . Don't care about what people will say , You should be only concious of Allah and his Shariah . Bring your relatives and give final warning to husband , if he still does not change then take divorce . Also break your all contacts with Jack , Satan is misleading you towards grave sin and eternal punishment of Allah , So beware . Choose the ways which Allah has opened for you . May Allah ease your difficulty . I would suggest you to read Quran with translation on daily basis and have confidence on Allah as he is all powerful

  2. OP: Every morning .....I make the same dua, 'Please Allah send angels to comfort my daughters, to guide them and support them and love them.' They are sad and lonely too. I make the same dua for myself. Aside from my kids, I have nothing. The loneliness is killing me. When I was a teen, I never had a boyfriend and I dreamt that by abstaining from it, Allah would reward me with a wonderful husband, but that never happened..........Now at the new office, I still have meetings with him. We might see each other once every two weeks. He always greets me with a hug and kiss and I am happy to accept. I really want to believe that he is the angel I have been praying for. I don't want a romance or sex

    By hugging and kissing you have given a signal that physical contact is OK for you. Your relationship could easily turn into a sexual thing. Try to make your daughters feel loved, otherwise they may seek love outside the home. You are lonely and you do need a friend. Don't do anything that you may regret later.

  3. Angel ? What Angel ?

    Allah doesn't send such person to commit such haraam stuff so obviously its not angel .

    Its beginning of haraam temptation and you are slowly inching towards that so you need to stop it .

    If you are so unhappy then Islam allows you to take divorce and plan your future later after your iddat period .

    Your situation is more like some one who is so tensed and frustrated in life and he gets a chance to taste a wine and feels in heaven due to hangover .But this will be haraam and spoil your Aakhirat ..

    When you have so much of courage to get hugs and kisses from non mehrem why don't you show the same guts to take islamic path of getting seperation from spouse irrespective of whatever society talks about it .

  4. The red flag here is you are slowly heading towards extra marital affair . Initially it will be like that as what you are saying that its just comfort and not sexual things . But again and again its proved that these things will lead to sexual affair one day . .

    Your frustration is as you were good girl and expecting good man but ended up marrying wrong person .
    Your second regret seems to be not taking divorce when you were not having kids .
    But you never know even after second ,third marriage you would have got right man or still have regretted .

    See in Islam you have choice of taking divorce if you are not happy but getting in to extra marital affair will be sinfull .

    You say your teen daughters have lost respect for father and further they will loose respect for you(mother) if they come to know about your affair despite being in nikah with their father .

    Please note that friendship with non mehrem man is haraam . The hugs , kisses and warm feeling you are receiving is haraam and your sins are getting bigger day by day .

    One thing will lead to other .

    You said you were hijab wearing girl and didn't allow any one to give hug and kiss but at this stage , now you have allowed some one to touch your shoulder and back and kiss you with hijab .

    Slowly hijab will go away and soon you might end up getting naked with this man without realizing you have done a gravest sin (Zina) one day .

    Till now you have followed good practices and why to nullify your good deeds at this stage .

    Just patience and control on your temptation is required at this stage So avoid all contacts with him .

    For your marriage issues if its not solvable then take divorce and plan your future later .

  5. I got really annoyed with this post, because you paint yourself as a victim when you are definitely not one. Furthermore, you seem to take absolutely NO responsibility or ownership of your own life nor your poor children's life...which I have ZERO respect for. You are a grown, married woman with children...what are you doing being so bloody passive? Every problem you have, someone else is to blame for it, apparently. Everyone aside from yourself. Reality is, you only have yourself to blame, because YOU choose to remain married to a shitty man. And even worse, you're forcing your daughters to grow up with this lousy excuse of a man as an example of how a man should treat them, and how a marriage should work. Your girls should grow up with a father that teaches them their worth so that they will demand respect from men in the future...instead, they are growing up with a father who belittles them. Don't be surprised if your girls end up marrying men that treat them at least just as shitty as you're being treated by your husband.

    Now you're making matters even worse for yourself by looking for solutions outside of your marriage - by getting emotionally involved with a MARRIED man. And you seem to REALLY try to convince yourself he might be the "angel" you have been praying for. Why are you even praying for "angels"? You don't need a bloody "angel", or to pray for one to enter your life - what you need is to screw your head back on, grow a backbone, have some self-respect and determination, and take control over your own life. Nobody but YOU is going to fix your shitty marriage - your husband is not going to leave you on his own initiative, your family aren't going to save you, and this married man at work that you are seemingly growing attached isn't going to fix your marriage or your problems, either. Leave him alone and back off. It's sad that you're so little used to empathy that someone showing you basic human concern is a massive and "angelic" gesture on their part in your world. That's not normal. You're being charmed by someone for something everyone else thinks nothing of and do all the time.

    My advice to you is to FINALLY get rid of your husband, get some therapy to learn to be more confident and self.reliant...and when you are ready for a new relationship, get married to someone who isn't a bag of crap like your current husband. Oh, and leave the married guy at work the heck alone. He's not your "angel", and Allah did not bring him into your life to save you - save your damn self :).

  6. As some one said above your conversion from strict Hijab wearing woman to a woman allowing non mehrem to touch,hug ,kiss you is big change and not a good thing for practising muslimah .

    There is high probability that you will further cross the limits and ends up in doing Zina .

    Some times we fool ourselves by saying our intention are good and not a sexual one but its just a matter of time both of you getting a right time and privacy when both of you will jump on each other to cross all limits .Also it will set bad example for hijab wearing women .

    Your only option is to control your temptation and consider divorce if things are still not working for him .

    By chance if you end up in a situation you feel you will commit zina with him , probably masturbation is better than Zina .
    I know its not good but if you are so sure of falling in to it i think might be ok but should not be a habit .

  7. OP: In 23 years, I have never shook hands with a man. I have never hugged and kissed men at work even though I live in North America and men and women hug and kiss regularly, even Muslim men and women, even hijabis. My husband, on the other hand, flirts with women, right in front of his teenage daughters and has no shame. He grew up in Pakistan.

    Well Hijab can't control hormones or thoughts or needs for love. There are double standards when it comes to flirting/affairs by men and women. I am sure no one paid much attention to your statement regarding your husband who flirts with women right in front of your teenage daughters. How your husband views your interaction with non-mehram men?

  8. Asalaamualaykum Riana,

    You write:

    "He came around the desk and asked me if he could give me a hug. I wear a hijab. I got up and he put his arms around me and held me as I cried. I felt safe and protected in his arms. I have never felt that with my husband who has always turned my unhappiness into a joke and has often mocked me. But this man, he held me and over and over again, he said, "You will be okay, it's going to be okay." Maybe, I was in his arms for a minute. But my body shook with sobs and he just held me tight. He told me that his door was always open to me. He told me he was only a text away, anytime."

    This married man you are seeking comfort from is not the man you consider him to be. To me, his behavior is inappropriate and exploitative. A male supervisor does not need to hug a woman "tight" and offer personal text messaging at "anytime" in order to be polite and supportive. He could have verbally told you that he understands that your situation might affect your work for a time, that he is sorry to hear it, and that he hopes you are in a better place soon. All this could have been done verbally. Instead, he is offering you emotional support via text message? If you put yourself in the shoes of the woman he is married to, I don't think you'd be ok with that.

    Basically, what I'm trying to say is that you shouldn't view your needing to stay away from this married man as a bad thing...he is respectful of neither his wife or you.The rules of Islam are protecting you here, not being a burden on you. This man is no good!

    Nor

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