Islamic marriage advice and family advice

The clock is ticking…

clock

Assalamu alaykum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

My father is controlling and has issues. He married at an old age to my mom who is 15 years younger, and they fight a lot. For the first 13 years of the marriage(I lived with my mom for that time), they didn't live with each other. I try talking to people about this issue but I am either given an uncomfortable glance that tells me they don't want me to open up(despite them actually being the ones who keep bugging me to tell me why I'm sad), or they belittle me behind my back for the way I feel.. So I thought I'd ask here.

I don't know what to do. My dad wants me to marry someone very traditional from my country and he will make me move back to my country after the 10th grade exams (in 2 months). I don't want to study medicine or engineering, but these are the only things offered in my homeland. My homeland is always in the 'Top 10 Worst Countries' and whatnot, it is with Syria and Yemen and Libya and Somalia and whatnot. I don't want to be married off to a man from there, I will be honest. Growing up seeing my dad shout at my mom in the mall, berating her in public and treating her like a child, it was disgusting. I want to stay as far away as possible from a man like my dad.

I used to stand up for my mum when I was 11 and it went on for 2 or 3 years but my dad never changed. I'd tell him calmly in a park "Dad, we don't want to move to ____". He doesn't agree. He hasn't truly forgiven me til today and threatens to testify against me on the Day of Judgement.

So my biggest nightmare in the world would be to marry someone my dad approves of. Someone who will make my life like my mother's.

My dad literally told my uncle that he married someone to "control", and that when my mum was accepted to a top university he told her she was only there to "make babies and clean the house" and that she wasn't like the other women at his workplace. My dad is so possessive he doesn't like it when she goes out to buy groceries when he never has the energy to take her to buy groceries.

People don't understand. They tell me I am dramatizing everything and being ungrateful to my dad, and it really stings. They all talk behind my back. I just. I want my parents to divorce. I know that if I move back to where I was born and raised in the West, my dad will divorce my mum and curse me til the Day of Judgement. I want to support my mum and work for her, I am aiming to get into the Ivy League, in shaa Allah.

Should I do it? I feel so selfish and all and I know divorce is not an option and I don't want to go to Hell but I cry so much God I cry every time I see a dad kiss his daughter goodbye in the bus for school. I have been hallucinating a lot and been wanting to kill myself since I was 10 or 11, I am now 15, and I see reflections of the guy in my head in the bathtub water. All I want to do is drown myself in this bathtub water.

Is it okay to move back to the West? Uni is free there for me and everything would be so much easier without my dad if I'm going to be honest. What's the halaal and what's the haram to do here? I just want to please Allah in the end.

There was a boy who I was friends with and was open about this with and he was sadly the only one to ever understand. He was in a sort of similar situation and he did the right thing for him and he wants me to do the same. He is a soft-spoken, gentle and caring person who has my unusual sense of humour and interest for politics and science and Islam too. I make du'aa for him every time I make du'aa for myself and we both stopped talking for a year now, alhamdulilah. I pray to forget about him if he is not good for me. I liked him and still do for 4 years now, and yeah, I was wondering. IF I still do like him in the future, do I need my dad's approval? He comes from a country with a similar culture but my parents probably want just my country.

I'm holding on for Allah, but the clock is ticking and I need to know what to do before I move to my homeland and have no choice but to stay stuck shushing a sobbing baby in the middle of the night while staring at the fan of my controlling husband's apartment. I'd be so disgusted and disappointed with myself if my kids ever end up like me. I know I will never truly be happy if I move back to the West, but I just don't want my kids to turn out like me and have a dad like that.

Musl1m

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4 Responses »

  1. Assalamualaikum,

    You are way too young to be going through this. Considering you are not okay with this, it's 100% okay for you to refuse the orders of your father, who is not acting in your best interest. Thus, heed the following:

    1. Do not stay in, move to, or visit your home country. If you do, you will be forced to be with someone against your will, and your life WILL BE RUINED.

    2. Pursue your studies. You are too young to be married and be mired in a life of problems that only mature people can handle.

    3. Do not not listen to your father. He will never change his views and, hence, his actions will never change. He will die some day, but you'll be left to deal with the problems he caused for you. What he's doing is sinful, so you do not have to follow him.

    People will try to convince you otherwise, but they won't have to bear your mental, emotional, and physical burden. It's best you do not fall into your father's trap.

  2. Where is your mum? I would strongly advice you to go stay with her, as your dad sounds like a very manipulate, bitter, backwarded old man.

  3. Salaam Alaikum

    Honor thy parents. This isn't a command where you will be judged based on what they did. But rather what you do.

    Let's be honest with your self. Clearly the boy in the picture is skewing your judgement.

    Your mom has sacrificed to give you a home, and all you can do is complain and throw it away? make her sacrifice worth it, and stay with her. As for the guy you fear about, just tell him your not interested in getting married, and if this marriage is forced, you will run away or kill him in his sleep. And deny everything when the confront you.

    You are far too young to be thinking about major life decisions at this age, you lack the emotional and mental health and maturity to making these kinds of decisions. The proof is that you are on here, asking for advice. The proof is your story and the holes and inconsistencies. The proof is that there is a boy and how you talk about him shows you are "love" and have impaired judgement.

    Love is blind, and blinding.

    Honor your lords command to honor your parents. Following your lords command will never make you a loser.

  4. Assalaamualaykum Musl1m,

    First of all, I love your name on here...it is creative MashaAllah.

    Definitely follow your heart on this one. Anything that, when you think about it, makes you want to vomit, is NOT the way to go. Did you really mean that you would not be happy in the West? Because I thought that earlier in your post, you said you felt moving west would make you happier. If you are in contention for a position in an Ivy League school, then Alhamdulillah, you have to go for it!

    You are not doing anything haram by disobeying your dad here. He is in the wrong. Try to stand up for yourself and what you believe in, if you must engage with him at all.

    I think you should also pray the Salat Al-Istikhara....not for marriage, but for the rest of your plight...say just the first part/paragraph of it. (Oh Allah, I ask you show me what is best...you are powerful, while I am not, and you are the knower of all things invisible.) Pray this 2-rakah prayer and make this dua for 7 days or until you feel better and inshallah you will feel clearer and more peaceful in the heart.

    May Allah make things easy for you ameen.

    Best to you,

    Nor

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