Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Can I be trusted?

broken trust, trust, broken marriage, lies

As-salam-o-alaikum!

I am a 25 year old girl. I have a very dark past. Ive been physically active with quite a number of people during my university days. I am confessing that during that time I didnt think about the effects of what I was doing and what damage I was causing to my future. I just kept doing it. I had sex with friends, acquaintances, one night stands, you name it and Ive done it. Ive faced a lot of trouble for it as well. I was abused, money was taken from me (like i was conned) and the consequences I had to face with my parents were a different story.

During December of 2016, I met a guy who also went to the same university as I did. and he proposed and confessed his love for me. He knew a bit of my stories, but i told him everything when he decided he wanted to spend his life with me. i changed after that. i became true to this person only. i really love him and i always thought of him as a blessing. we have been together for 6 months. our families know that we like each other and our families have spoken about our marriage too. but the past two months have been really tough. he is becoming distant from me because while he recalls of my past he has this belief that he cannot trust me. he doubts that i might end up doing the same things i did in my past. i try to convince him and tell him that i love him and that i wouldnt do anything wrong to him. but he says that you have said this to different guys in the past and yet you lied to them. what is the proof that you are mine.

i have given him access to all my social media accounts. the biggest problem in our relationship is that we live in different countries. i try to send him pictures of wherever i am so that he can trust me. i have lessened my communication with my friend just so that they dont invite me to go out. and so he doesnt think that im up to no good.

i need some advice on this situation. i dont understand how to make him believe that i am his. and i would never do anything to hurt him or to lose him. can someone please help a sister out?

smk2573

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6 Responses »

  1. Salam
    Maybe one day he'll become a control freak, who knows???
    Maybe Allah is keeping him away from you. One day in your marriage he might never let sou out?! You maybe closed and imprison you?!
    Make DUA

  2. Assalaamualaykum smk,

    I think that the biggest issue here is that your self-esteem is not as high because of what you perceive as a "dark past." You therefore are in a position where you feel you have something to prove to him.

    I would recommend to you that you relax, realize that everybody makes mistakes of one kind or another, and let him come to you. You do not need to send him photos of your whereabouts, prove anything via social media, or cut off your other friends. The fact that his presence has already enticed you to do these things is disturbing.

    In the end, you want someone who accepts you for you and trusts you for you. If they cannot see your value as a person naturally and need to bring up the past, they will always be condescending towards you and that's not what you want in a life partner.

    I would reconsider this match. If you find yourself still wanting him and only him, then separate yourself from him and see if sends a proposal for you.

    Hugs,

    Nor

  3. Assalamu Alaikum Sister,

    I agree with Nor. Based on how described yourself and explained everything, you've done all you can do. You've gone the extra mile of giving him access to your accounts and even not going out as much with your friends. Most and very importantly, you've expressed your love for and loyalty to him, two things and conditions on which most most good men place high value. Usually, the things you've done to show him your love and devotion would permit many good men to trust the woman, despite her past.

    Of course, there are some men who either can't trust a woman because they've been lied to before or they are players and liars themselves, which would cause them to distrust the woman they are seeing. He seems insecure for some reason. Personally, if the woman is actually giving me the proper attention and things don't seem weird, I wouldn't have a problem trusting her. However, just like there are men you can't trust, there are women you can't trust because they play games and lie to men. Being the fairer sex or gender, some women can do that with ease and be quite shamefully devious and duplicitous. However, based on what you've said, I don't get the impression of any dishonesty on your part.

    As Nor advised, ease away from him and wait to see whether he approaches you later. Perhaps he needs some time and space to deal with his thoughts, feelings, and whatever else is going on with and inside him. You've already made your statements and positive gestures to him, so if he doesn't come forward after giving him reasonable time and space, maybe he's not ready. I hope it works out for the two of you.

  4. Asalamu aleykum , sister,iv been through a very similar experience I agree with both sisters, if he is older it could be it intimidates him exp if your younger and attractive and naturally get attention from men even if you don't even bother to notice , was he raised Muslim in a Muslim country? If so it could be his idea or inner expectation of how a musluma should be like ,society's views, family views it may make him insecure ,I'm defiantly not saying all Muslim men are like that at all, every person is different , your past is in the past ,and your courageous enough to be honest with him, not every woman can do that, a lot of woman and men hide or keep a lot of their past hidden or strate out lie out of shame or other reasons and try and fit the view that he or she wants to hear , honesty is a very valuable thing to have in a marriage, if both of you can be freely open to communication about any thing that is a beautiful thing to have, it builds trust,, to be put on the spot or have to over prove your loyalty is just gana push you away,,and if it goes on its gana poison your connection with him,shouldn't he want and feel confident that his woman is capable of loyalty ,trust truth ,he should be focused on growing with you , strengthen each other and your connection with Allah ,letting love ,confidence flow, with out fear drowning it ,the more unity you both have the stronger your relationship will ,be
    jealousy ,fear ,insecurity only weakens your bond ,, I hope that was helpful , I'll make dua for you sister

  5. Yes you can be trusted, just probably not by this guy. For people that haven't been in a relationship it's really difficult for them to imagine that the person they're with has been with someone else. In your case that's multiple people. To reconcile this he's probably going to head towards limiting who you get to see and the relationship won't be as good then. You're better off being with someone that can trust you more easily.

    • First thing u need to do is seek repentance for the past sins. Then explain to him that u have left ur past. Thereafter, if he still doubts u, then it will be detrimental for the love that exists between both of u. So think sensibly.

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