Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Husband not getting intimate.

anxiety

Salaam. Me and my cousin were engaged for 6 years and were married 5 months bck in dubai. During the period of 6 months we had calls and txts but very rarely. And mostly from my side. It was so seldom that one time when i called he didnt recognize my voice and later said that he had to change phones and didnt save my number. Throughout that time i only heard that he is very 'shareef' and 'naik' and 'shy'. Our families used to meet on every eid and exchange gifts but they were mostly from his mom's.  Our nikkah was done a couple of days before and he never texted nor called.

After the 3rd day of our marriage i asked him about the intimacy thing and he got really scared and said he doesnt have a big bro from whom he could ask anything so we both decided its better that we develop understanding.

Now after couple of weeks his personality completely opened infront of me. He is a doctor and has no confidence. He gets scared talking to stranger women. He gets spooked easily. He is afraid of driving a car and cant stay at home alone. He doesnt have any friends to talk to and hangs out with only close family. And most importantly he goes out of his way to avoid touching me. Never has he voluntarily touched me or has stood next to me like couples do.

I got anxiety so baad that i stopped eating and lost about 4 kgs in the first 20 days of marriage. And he never realized or commented on my eating disorder even though people commented. He mostly loves cartoon movies and cartoons and avoid adult company unless its a close relative.

Even after months of our martiage and us being cousins in the first place we have only talked about medical stuff and what to eat which movie to watch and just simple random discussions. All of my responsibility lies on my mother and father in law as they live with us. I dont know what to think of him? And even though he is super friendly and smiles all the time and asks me certain questions like how was my day and do i need food items from grocery store and how are my parents and family just the general things we havent talked about anything else. I tried talking to him alot about me my family and asking him loads of questions about himself. But he doesnt remember alot. He never praises me or even looks at me when i get ready. And still we havent consummated and now im also scared of developing something between us.Im confused and i cant imagine living with this guy for the rest of my life...

Seerah

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4 Responses »

  1. Sounds like your husband has problems talking and conversing with people. Does he have a personality disorder? Was he abused as a child? Something is troubling him. I suggest you speak to him directly softly but firmly.

    Also you have to be prepared to face having a husband whom is not normal. He seems like an introvert with issues. Maybe he is your test from Allah. You can give the marriage a chance and work it out or you can divorce and end things since you have not been intimate with him.

    As for the intimacy problems, everyone has their own problems on it. I have not been intimate with husband over 8 months. Mostly its his fault. We have issues and are working through it.

    So I know how much it bugs or hurts. Be patient. If he doesn't want to be intimate provide him with an ultimatum... a husband has to fulfil his wife's desires if he doesn't within 4 months. It's the right of a wife to divorce her husband.

  2. It is a difficult situation to be in, but you must realise that for introverts to be intimate is an adjustment. So manage this situation.

    The idea is to create an environment where he feels safe with you.

    Have conversations where you boost his confidence.
    There is no harm in you making the first move - you're married to him, you have all the right. So maybe just hold his hand every now and then
    Light some candles.
    Try to book a weekend away where you only have each other and there's no tv.
    Wear lingerie.
    You gotta make him learn to love you. And not because you are not worthy but because he has never been in such a position.

    • His behaviour has nothing to do with introvertism. Introverts aren't usually shy, quiet and timid, and they are definitely able to have meaningful conversations.

      What is his story? Has your husband been babied a lot in his life? Has he been shielded from things a lot? It confuses me, because he's managed to become a doctor...which is a very adult thing to accomplish. On the other hand, he watches children's cartoons and is scared of everything. It doesn't quite add up.

  3. OP: After the 3rd day of our marriage i asked him about the intimacy thing and he got really scared and said he doesn't have a big bro from whom he could ask anything so we both decided its better that we develop understanding.........Now after couple of weeks his personality completely opened in front of me. He is a doctor and has no confidence. He gets scared talking to stranger women. He gets spooked easily. He is afraid of driving a car and cant stay at home alone.

    A doctor does not need a big brother to teach him all about sex. Your husband is scared of women, driving a car and staying home alone. He needs to see a doctor and/or a psychotherapist/psychiatrist..

    Do you sleep in the same bed? Have you ever noticed him in state of sexual readiness?

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