Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Proceeding with my nikkah with uncertainty to be able to fulfil my obligations and further sin and fail as a spouse

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Assalamoalikum

Last year in January my friend’s brother asked for my hand in marriage so he send his parents and my parents told them that they will consider him but let their studies get over. We were both studying on the same level in the same university but the departments were different. He was known to me since last 6-7 years around. We had good family terms. After his proposal we started developing feelings for each other we also communicated each other through phones and did meet few times. I informed my dad that I wanted to marry him. Everyone in my family knew my likes for him and sometimes even joked about it in a taunting way, which only embedded further hopes that they were all cool with it. Things started getting complicated then after few months because my parents thought he has to go abroad for further studies and this may take him few years whereas my parents were willing to get  me married right after my studies. Also my parents thought that I would have to struggle with him until he settles which would take around 4-5 years, however I was ready to support him always. He on the other hand has a very supportive and Islamic family (blessed decently in the world too) and they approached my parents many time to seek a proper answer and proceed with something related to nikkah etc, but they weren't answered back openly and not rejected either. I knew his family very well and they loved me like their own child and were truely understanding, trustable, helpful and lenient which generated a sense of security and peaceful future along them in my mind for them.

In the meanwhile another proposal came for me, he was from Canada a settled person ready to get married. My parents started investigating for them. This irritated me a lot, they started ignoring the old proposal and indulged into new one. They seeked advices from my relatives and majority voted for the Canada one, and then with the relatives involved in my matter I couldn't have explicitly explained them my feelings the way I could to my parents. The family had ganged up on me to lecture me on this and convince me, it wasn't slightly or even remotely easy to face them all alone. I couldn't have let down the reputation of my parents infront of these relatives by being stubborn and selfish in following my heart and compromising my parents desires, so I finally asked them to do whatever seems best in my favour, deep down I wasn't at peace and too worried about the prior proposal because I never wanted to be the cause of hurting them either and wanted my parents to approach them and talk to them openly too, I was made to promise that I won't speak or reveal any of these circumstances to them and they (my parents) gave me their word that they themselves will talk with them which they never did. Things became worse. My dad got a heart attack and just few days after his surgery the people from Canada came along with their son and asked for Nikkah to start up with the paper work. I wasn't ready for all this because my feelings were strong for the old one but everybody kind of forced me into it. I was rushed into this nikkah within a week or two since they had to leave for Canada and I was asked by my mother to consider my dad’s illness which emotionally struck me, many even saw that I wasn't happy but they lectured me instead and asked me to pretend to be happy for my parents. I was asked to think in the very limited time I was given and what could have I possibly done I said yes under peer pressure and for the happiness of my parents. I feel I have failed in many ways and hurt many and might hurt people further, my intention was to always care for all and only in the last few days I revealed it to him breaking my parents trust because they wouldn't talk, even in the last few days when his mom came to know and meet my mom, my mother told her that they are still considering both and istikhara is in favour of both. She (his mom) asked openly that you may call my son and reject him face to face atleast properly but she (my mom) said we still haven't decided, while I could witness all the proceedings and arrangements taking place infront of me. Finally in the last day or two before nikkah he called my dad to talk and only then did my parents went to tell them and say sorry to them. They were all hurt especially him, they chose me for my deen I feel I even failed at that by creating an illegitimate bond by talking to a na mahram (creating sand castles just to get washed over by a wave) and expectations from both ends being developed. I wish for the circumstances to be different like we never met each other in this life or my people never prolonged this and gave them False hopes. I went into Nikkah with the person I don't know a lot about- his past his family nothing, now I just can't find peace. I feel I am going to wrong my husband (who seems like a good person, Allah knows best) as well now and too far from being able to fulfill my duty and obligations as a good wife, which I always wanted to do, be the best wife and support my spouse in every way rightfully. I feel it's unfair because I can't reveal my past to him as adviced by others and he wasn't told prior to nikkah either. I feel I cant love or commit to anybody now, I wasn't given enough time and rushed into all of this emotionally black mailed or under peer pressure. Whatever I do I remember the person I felt in love with. My rukhsati will be after 2 months without my consent. I just don't know how will I cope up with my life and change in such a short time period I am only human. I do know Allah is the best of planners and never burdens us with hardships we can't bear. I have no one to share my plight with as I don't want to further burden my parents or anyone with it failing further as a an obidient daughter, I have learnt we should only expect from Allah and he is the best Listener, Guide and Helper so I try to pray to Him only and stay as pious and piety as I can, I can't even pray to have him in my life now since I am already in nikkah and it feels sinfull but I pray for myself and him that may Allah grant us patience and the best blessings in terms of deen. I do find peace in zikr but the confusion and emotions are eating me from inside. I feel my faith is in test and really weak. I have a guilt that my parents did wrong with him. No doubt they might have thought the best for me (I firmly believe) but my happiness wasn't in this but they are human and can be wrong too. Guide me what should I recite and pray or advise me in the light of "Quran and hadith/sunnah" so I can get peace and proceed with life accordingly. Should I proceed with Nikkah or should I end it (which is disliked by Allah swt) because I'm scared that if the feelings didn't developed sooner then again I will be doing injustice with my husband which is again wrong. I am praying my best I keep myself busy to divert my mind but still I keep thinking of him (unintentionally) instead of my husband, which I feel is quite wrong and a big sin. I don't feel like talking to my husband because I'm not able to develop any feelings for him. Also give some advice for my friend’s brother because he is too badly hurt, he never expected this would happen.

hoping to seek prompt advices from the scholars and aalims who have proper command of deen and advice more in the light of deen then passing their personal verdicts...

hasbunAllahu wa naimal wakeel!

SRT


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7 Responses »

  1. Ws Sister,
    Most people who comment on this site try to give practical advice based on their experience. The editors are all learned people, however, I am not sure that this site has scholars on their editorial board.

    If you permit, in your situation, as we see it from outside, it does seem that you and your family have wronged the first family by keeping them dangling while going about another proposal. However, it could be a protective measure on your family’s part to not refuse a suitable proposal in pursuit of a better one. Once they found that the Canadian guy was upto the mark, they decided to go ahead with it.
    I do understand that you were under emotional pressure, however, sister you have consented to marriage with the second guy. He is now your legal husband and you have to direct yourself to him.
    Your first proposal knows all the facts and though he is hurt and so is his family but it is not as if they are unaware of the true situation. So, I do not think a proper closure on your part is required to the guy or his family, now that you are somebody else's wife.
    Besides, Incase, you decide to end things with your husband, are you ready for the consequences? Will you be accepted in the first family as a divorcee? Will the relatives whose pressure you caved into change? Will they not make you a topic of gossip? Think of these things and give yourself time.
    Just like you say a lot of people have been hurt, I would say a lot of people are to be blamed too. Why were you allowed to be friends with him if your parents had other thoughts? Why were you forced eventhough it was obvious you were unhappy?
    Sister, at the end of it all, no matter who you blame or worry for, the point is it is your happiness and satisfaction and that of your husband that is at stake. Both of you will suffer incase of a further wrong decision. You say he seems a nice man. Offer salatul hajat and ask for you to be given peace and diversion to your husband. It is difficult but not impossible. Give yourself time. Tell your husband you need time as things were rushed due to your father's surgery and you are still adjusting. Divert your mind to something that engages you completely, a new hobby, a short course maybe. Continue to pray. Inshallah, you will come out of the guilt and attachment.

    • Jazakallah khair for the detailed response
      They my friend's brother are respectable family and decently gifted by Allah in terms of wealth too in this world. It's all too hard for me now how do I fight alone, it is heart breaking when the people you trust your own blood don't understand you completely. I know they won't ever decide something against me deliberately but failing to understand the gravity of the situation, thinking that maybe I wasn't mature enough to make this decision they made the decision for me. I guess they think if they neglect the situation I will forget but I guess I won't. By the end of the month is my farewell and I am scared about the day badly, I have been trying to fake my happiness but with heavy heart I am involved in this and involved in relating matters not with my heart but just acting out. They only lecture me as to what to do what not to do instead of understanding if they know that I am sinking. All I ever wanted is to be a good daughter a good spouse and a good mother but I feel I have failed in all of it and might continue to fail further. I compromised my happiness over the happiness of my parents, I only wish they understood but now I believe it's too much to expect from any human. Only Allah truely understands and I want Allah to guide me on this most priorly I pray that Allah helps me in this worldly life to seek true guidance in selecting the right path. I only wish I was bold enough to make decisions for myself but I wanted to care for others too, mistakes have been made and a lot have been compromised. I pray Allah helps me find true knowledge and true guidance that which is beneficial for both my deen and dunya.

  2. apologies ........................... but money matters.
    if your friend's brother were rich and settled off course you would have taken stand oh sorry your family would have approved. you are greedy people

    • If you can't say something nice or give appropriate advice then don't say anything at all. Its better to keep silent than to use words like that

  3. Salam,

    Are you still looking for an answer or has everything already been settled?

    • Praying as much as I can and relying on Allah. Trying to stay patient yet seek guidance for my deen and dunya...may Allah guide me through this life please pray for me and advice according to my rights in deen (with references if possible)

  4. I understand your feelings completely sister, i am about to go through a similar situation as yours. i am also being emotionally blakmailed by my parents and i dont know what to do. I also heard in a hadith that if we consent to nikah even though it is unwillingly then it is legally married and not considered forced..and therefore if we divorce without a valid reason meaning if the husband is good to us then paradise will be forbidden. That really scares me a lot. If i get married against my wish and i cant develop feelings for my husband and do not like being with him would i be forced to stay in that marriage?
    And if in sha allah Allah swt grants us all jannah by His mercy, would we get to choose to marry whom we had wanted to but couldnt for parents sake or would we be married to the same husband of dunya in jannah? I would be glad if someone could answer my questions.
    And sister we both are going through difficult times and may Allah make it easy for us and forguve our sins since hardships erase sins.

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