Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Can’t get married…


As salam alaykum,

I registered just to ask this question as I have nobody to ask. I tried to make a fitting headline but it needs explanation. The situation is this:

I am living in a European country and have middle eastern heritage. One day in a forum, I met this girl X. We are both Muslims ehhamdulillah. I was interested in her country so I contacted her and we started writing each other. Moving with the times, the messages became Mails, then Chat, then Skype/Whatsapp.

I admit we did meet and we did transgress. We didn't sleep with each other but we did make out. That was almost a decade ago. We realized our mistake, repent, ask for forgiveness and didn't do it again and insallah Allah will forgive us.

We wanted to get married, but needed to finish our studies. I finished by bachelor degree, then masters, then got a job since a few months. She is almost finishing her studies.

We did change within this decade. We baceme more faithful and try our best to follow all Islamic rules insallah. We pray, fast, give zakah, avoid haram and shameful things. But we still chat. We don't chat in an erotic way but sometimes emotions are still involved. We want to get married as soon as possible in order to be halal in this matter.

My plan was to get a job, then prepare an apartment, then propose to her family which is in a middle eastern country. But then everything changed.

My father left my mother and she is a very sick person and can't live alone. He left her without money and care. So instead of preparing an apartment, I moved together with her and her apartment. The apartment was heavily neglected, so I took a loan to fix the apartment, clean it, buy a new kitchen and furniture etc. I know that loans are bad but I didn't see any other way. My mother is better now and she tries her best keeping up with Salah insallah. She is very thankful that I moved in and I am glad to be there for her.

So all the money from the loan went to the apartment. Now I am indepted and pay it off the next 5 years. My salary is enough for my mother and me elhamdulillah, but not for a third person. I wanted to travel to X's country and ask for a nikah so at least our chats are halal but I don't dare to show up there. I don't have money, I am indepted, I am living with my mother... I talked to X's brothers and they ask for dowry which I can't afford. I can't even invite X's family for a dinner after a nikah.

I don't see a way to get married and I don't want to keep chatting. But after knowing X for a decade, I don't want anyone else or can't even imagine me with someone else. Actually even if I met someone else, I can't get married due to the cost... So it leaves me no other choice than ending this relationship.

As I said, I have nobody to ask. Maybe someone here might have an idea?


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2 Responses »

  1. Walaikum asalaam,

    Brother I can understand your point. Remember rizq comes from Allah, and no one knows how much you will make in the future as long as you do your part leave your trust in Allah. This is a test, so I say marry her, Do the nikah in the masjid, it doesn't have to be expensive.

    Also if you really like her as you say you do, then just don't easily give up.


  2. Islam is quite clear on it's stance on marriage. "When a man marries, he has fulfilled half of his religion, so let him fear Allah regarding the remaining half."

    But that doesn't answer the question as to how you will manage.

    Let me give you an example of a friend I knew. He was 16 and his parents arranged his marriage, him being young boy and alone with a girl (his new bride) in a room, it doesn't take long to know where his mind was. As he puts it to me, a young man in that situation doesn't think about anything other than intercourse. As a result almost a year later aged 17 he had become a dad whilst in college. With no job and still studying how would he support his wife and the child?

    As he puts it, he had no choice to work harder and longer and have even less time for himself. Situation demanded that he needed to do both or just work, but he couldn't study on it's own. He says even now, the only reason why he managed to find a way was because he had to find that way.

    Don't worry too much about finances, if you can support 2, then if you work a little harder and make some sacrifices you can surely accomodate 3. Also rush to marriage because even talking socially outside of marriage is not permitted.

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