Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I found true love after Nikah with another. Can I divorce?

 

Asalamualaykum,

I'm in a very, very big dilemma...please help me! I was 17 when I got engaged to my cousin and he is that person whom I hate the most. My parents asked me do you like him? I said straightforward "no"... that I don't like him. However, they indirectly forced me to accept the proposal and I accepted it because I have no option left.

At first everything was so messed up between he and I and we had daily arguments. Then later on I discovered that he is doing this just because of his father... he is not even interested in me! I faced almost two and a half years in engagement and after that I thought I'm falling for him and he is falling for me. Then our house member decided to do the nikkah ceremony... I was kind of happy and sad both because I don't know what I actually want!!

When we had Nikkah, our relationship slowly became strong because there was a lot of physical contact between us!! Then I realized after four or five months that he is now only interested in my body and he doesn't love me!! I was so shattered in tears, and then he said directly to me "I can live without you." He even threatened me. He was talking about divorce indirectly and saying he can give me a divorce if I don't fulfill his desire!

After all this I found a boy who was in my university. He was my best friend and I used to share everything with him. He knows everything about my personal and professional life both. After talking with him for almost one year, out of nowhere, he proposed to me. I didn't react but later he said "marry me". I asked him "Are you nuts? I'm in Nikkah and in some time I will be married." He said reply me if you want me or not?

After thinking, I said "yes." He asked me do you want to live with me or him, because I realized that my husband only wants my body and my best friend loves me from inside out both so the conclusion is I fall in love with him so crazily. I can't live without him--not even 1  second, and I can't tell my my parents about the way my husband treats me because they trust him more than me.

So suggest me what I should do, because I'm becoming crazy for my best friend and don't want to live with that lusty man that is my husband!! What should I do please tell me!!! Is it okay if I take divorce and get married to my best friend?! Because I tried it my best that I don't fall for him but I fall for him anyway. He suggested that my husband will leave me on his own and that I will be clean.

So is it ok if I do this? Please advise me!! There are so many bad things about my husband I can't even tell you all of them! But I told you all the important things. My husband was engaged to me for 2 years and didn't give me a single gift in all this time! He said so many rude things to me, insults me, to my face in front of everyone! He never treats me like I'm his fiance!! He never pampers me! All men should do 3 things: 1) give respect 2) trust 3) love the person and not just the body.

Basically, he is so arrogant and rude and whenever I tell my family about him, they always say "He will be okay after shadi (wedding)." But when a person doesn't even love you, how can you live with him! He doesn't even respect my mother. What should I do? Is it ok if I start thinking about the man who loves me, respects me, and treats me so well? He is my best friend whom I love the most and he is such a mature man. Currently though, I'm hiding my relationship from everyone and I'm praying that Allah fulfill my dua. In fact, I can see Allah IS fulfilling my dua!!

So is it ok if I take divorce in mannerly way from my husband and then get married to my love?!! Please tell me what should I do!! Please advise me because like this my life is getting destroyed, and his family's and my family's life as well!!

Anonymous Girl

 


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24 Responses »

  1. Salam, anyone reading can tell you to part ways with your cousin and marry your friend. It seems you already know the answer to your questions.

    What I think you are looking for is reaffirmation to your wants.

    Be brave, pray and ask for guidance. You will never make a wrong choice if you follow the righteous path. It seems like your cousin is toxic and it would be better to end things instead of dragging it further til your wedding. Everyone deserves to marry for love and live life in a stable and happy marriage.

    All the best for breaking to your family the truth and storming though the tough time. Don't be afraid. It's you getting married, not them getting married. Its your life.

    Don't forget to do your istikarah and ask for guidance before you decide on anything though.

    • OH u got my points very well as compared to others..Yeah u r right i need reaffirmation...OK i want to ask u how can i do istikhara i do research on this but i don't find anything perfect so can u tell me how should i do this?/

      • Asalamualaykum Anonymous Girl,

        I am happy that you were helped by the advice on this website, Alhamdulillah, and that you are seeking knowledge on Istikhara. Honestly, Istikhara has been one of the most beneficial duas I have ever learnt, and it provides so much relief and patience through one's worrying and anxiety. Basically, it is a prayer for guidance from Allah, the One who created you, which will lead you to the best result, solution, and decision for your issue/problem. You can pray this prayer as many times as you need to until your decision has been satisfactorily made and your problem solved. I have found it helpful to intend on praying it 7 times (or fewer) until my heart knows the answer.

        You can find information on this prayer/dua in the blue menu atop this page. But I will summarize it here for you as well.

        First off, you ideally want to pray the Salat Al-Istikhara prior to the actual dua. Make very deliberate and thorough Wudu and stand for two-rakahs of prayer. You can choose the surahs you read after Surah Al-Fatiha. Good ones to recite would be Surah Al-Nas, Al-Falaq, Al-Ikhlas, or Al-Kafiroon. At the end of the prayer, do your dhikr, send praise to Allah and blessings upon the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh). Then you are ready to say your dua. I speak English so will write this dua in English for you, but if you want the original arabic, just google it and you will find it. So the meaning in English is as follows:

        "Oh Allah, I ask you to show me what is best for me through your knowledge, I ask you to empower me through you power, and I beg you to grant me your tremendous favor. For you have power while I am without power, you have knowledge while I am without knowledge, and you are the knower of all things invisible. Oh Allah, if in your knowledge, doing ____ (your tentative decision) is in the best interest of my religion, my life in this world, and my life in the hereafter, and can yield successful results in both the short-term and the long-term, then please make it possible for me, make it easy for me, and then bless me in it. If not, then please turn it away from me, and me away from it, and make it easy for me to do well, wherever I may happen to be (or "ordain for me that which is better than it"), and make me content with your verdict, Oh Merciful of the Merciful."

        Through this dua, you will gain peace of mind, and Allah will lead you to your answer to your satisfaction. Common misconceptions are that you must have a dream that you must then interpret. This can be a vehicle through which Allah helps you to your answer, but you may not have any such dream. Rather, you will feel a certain way in your heart about the matter at hand, and the answer will become clear to you through this feeling. Also, the answer to your Istikhara will unfold as you live your life, and it will become apparent to you in the way events naturally unfold. You will never be disappointed in your result in the long run, as you have asked The Most Wise to make a decision for you!

        I hope that helps you Inshallah. Feel free to ask further questions if you are still confused or wanting more information.

        Best!

        Nor
        IslamicAnswers

        • Thanks alot for this!!

        • Asalamualaykum Nor,
          dear i did istikhara last night and i asked Allah for guiadence in my problems I asked HIM that Allah plz tell me that I m on right path and tell me are u with me and tell me that man is good man whom im in love with as a result I explained everything to Allah again then ask for the guiadence and dear i also read Ayat Ul Kursi for 3 times and then fall asleep!!
          And i want to ask u I saw my unii man in my dream I don't remember every detail but I remember one thing I was with him And im happy!! And for ur information i tell u that I never see my uni man in my dream before I just saw him once!!!! and I know him from 1.5 years and I never see him in my dream I just saw him once and now I saw him in my dream After Istikhara like I tell u above And wt I ask Allah and wht he shows me Can u tell me wht that mean?? Or i should istikhara again!

          • Istiqara is done for halaal things and not for haraam .
            As you are married and have husband and you also have haraam relationship with boyfriend so these type of istiqaaras are not allowed .
            Islamic way is to cut immediate contacts with boyfriend ..
            Whether you want to stay with husband or no needs to be decided without the influence of boyfriend ..
            If you don't feel a sin while having haraam relationship its danger to the imaan ..A real Muslim needs to feel guilty for his sins

      • Listen Mr cool,
        You should watch ur words!!How dare u can question my Iman!!Plz u don't suggest me anything I don't need ur help specially you!!..U don't even know what is limitations of my nikkah life and u r here questioning my Imaan!!
        Plz mister don't u dare to do this again Alhamdulillah I pray 6 namaz in a day Fajar,zahur,asr,maghrib,isha,tahajud,,,i also pray extra nawafil for my Desires!!I read quran 2 times Now u should watch ur words!!Ok!!

  2. Sister ,

    You are in nikkah with a guy and you are opening up to some other na-mahram in your university telling all about your relationship with your husband which you shouldnt. A husband and wifes relation is sacred and should not be disclosed to non-mahrams unless it is a need for guidance.

    A husband and wife's intimacy is not merely using someone's body , it is an act of pleasure for both and it strenghtens their bond. If you feel like he doesnot care about you , your feelings , emotions but only about your body then it is a matter that needs to be communicated.

    Have you ever tried talking with your husband, communicate with him how you feel and how him being rude and ignorant affects you.In a polite way you can explain everything to him and may allah want , he might become a better husband.

    Divorce is a last resort to marital complications as it is the most disliked halal act in islam , one should think hard before concluding towards a step like that.

    And please stop talking with that na mahram , it is a sin.

    Repent , take some time to think and then come out to your family or your husband if this is what you want. Bear in mind , love might look all rainbows and flowers at first but you never know what a person might be from the inside.

    Now, if divorce is what you want then i hope Allah Almighty guide you towards the righteous path and make life easy for you. May you find happiness in your future.

    • Look people, I read all ur comments ...U all think i did'nt try to sort everything?
      i did try to sort things with my husband..i tell him that i am not comfortable with him doing all physical things.. but here i reply to all of ur responses He said then it's ok u should go on ur way i will go on my own..He just slide the whole matter and did'nt react..and the thing u r talking about here namehram i know this very well...But look brother I told u i try it my best to avoid him and myself attracting toward him but i can't help it...Right now im with that man from 1 and half year he know me as well as me ...I tried it my best to yell my huby wht I feel but at tht meantime he agrees with me but later he forget everything and do wahtever he wants...I know Talak is haram ..Wt if i tell u that Im tahajud Guzar....I prayed namz regularly and i read QURAN 2 times in a day Im pure relegious girl...U all are saying that uni man is evil.. I got ur points but u r not watching the man with whom im niikahfied...EVERYONE KNOE WHT IS THE LIMIT BTW NIKKAH AND RUKHSATI...If hecan't control himself from crossing the limits then wht is the reason left of Nikkah...I try everyway to explain my husband wt im feeling but he never ever understands me....
      And 2nd thing i said about ALLAH tbh here with all of u I feel Allah is with me..in other words I pray to ALLAH regarding that uni man that dua is fulfilled...that relates with him...now tell me if iM sinner then why Allah is accepting my duas that has concerned with that man....and 2ndly the person who is on wrong path ALLAH never allow the person to ame close with HIM as i tell u im praying tahajud and i m feeling positive about my descion thats mean there is some other plans of ALLAH maybe..and the divorce thing he said completely in serious way if u don't accept my desires i will divorce u...and He threats me with divorce becoz I wasn't talking to him in that way..in the way he wants to talk with me...if my husband is good man then he should feel this as well kay i m ignorning him or wtaever but he never even notice this and just talk with me in formal way...now im not even going out with him not even talking with him in way i used to talk..but he never ask wt is up y r u talking in this way becaoz it never even bother him wt kind of tone im using in talkinh with him...now tell me im wrong??
      han and u r saying tht uni man is evil...if he is evil then my husband is sinner who just wants my body and one time taht thing and then once his desire fulfiled he will be like ok now u go on ur own way i dont need u anymore>>>...!!!!!
      Im telling u I swear i swear Allah had Fulffilled my desires that i asked HIM regarding that uni frnd...Allah had show me the path ...I even pray 20 nawafil in a day for that uni man coz i want him...and now im not feeling im doing wrong...I swear I gennuinely feel Allah on my side...This is the most complicated things now I need to confirm this bcz i need proper guaidence so i can move on with my choice
      If i will married to the man whom i already with in nkkah ..i m telling u all that shadi will be baseless bcoz he is not going to respect me or neither me...we will destroy our families...so yar plz tell me the genuine way to hanlde this situation...I beg u plz suggest me and if u r thinking That uni man maybe evil so i tell u he is also facing crisis becoz of this he is in loss right now but the thing is Im with him and im praying for him after praying to Allahfor 4 to 5 months about his safety and the loss he is facing I think so i convienced my Allah now because now he is coming in good shape and this is all happening coz i never stop begging ALLAH for him...tbh now im feeling that i had convienced Allah for him...i literally asking him from Allah in sleeping during eating (like soty jagty khaty peete dard mai sukh ma)
      and now his condition is becoming stable..(he also faced accidents,business loss,study loss,even lost his family relations,)now he is alone only im with him...we don't leave each other sides during all the time...i literally beg in front of ALLAH ALMIGHTY.. plz ALLAH i don't waant to be in marraige relation with man..i also mentioned in front of ALLAH that i know this is not good im asking for divorce from u but i have no other choice except u..so thats why i was asking u all this as well ..so now tell me DO I HAVE ALLAH ON MY SIDE OR NOT ...???
      After heraing all miracles...??? tell me...??
      there is also heart from where u feel u have ALLAH in ur heart so just like this im following the path that came in front of me.....

  3. Assalamualaikum I am 20 my mom push me in to a marriage she believe was the best ever I don't like the guy but had no option ,I love my parents so much specially my MoMA she has been always there for me,she does everything for me ,when this man came I realized my MoMA was happy and would never allow me reject him,I go through alot because I don't want to stress her up ,I wanted to make her proud to do all that makes her happy,I got married to this man , believing that ya Allah would make it easy for me ,and softened my heart for him but since then up to date ,the heatreate remains the same now my MoMA pass away I got no help ,she put me in to this ,I never want to get out of the marriage not even now that she is no more ,bit I can't help me I can't take it anymore ,I can't love him I don't know what to do ,the worst is we didn't meet yet since he is in abroad ,I believe I have a better chance but how and what do I do..?????????

    Please help me

    Bint

  4. After what you have done, if you think Allah is pleased with this then you are immensely mistaken because Allah hates what you are doing. You are talking to a non-mahram man behind your husband's back while you are married!!. It is haram to talk to non-mahram men like you do and be in a relationship with them when you are single let alone when you are married!!! . This man is a wolf in sheeps clothing.

    The Prophet (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said: “He is not one of us who turns a woman against her husband.” Narrated by Abu Dawood, 2175; classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh Abi Dawood.

    Abu Dawood (5170) also narrated that Abu Hurayrah said: The Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said: “Whoever turns a man’s wife or slave against him is not one of us.”

    If a person turns a woman against her husband and spoils her for him so that she leaves him, then he marries her, his marriage is not valid and they must be separated, according to the view favoured by Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyyah (may Allah have mercy on him). This is also the view of the Maalikis.

    This man from your university is an evil man.

    It is very strange to see people who insist on following the path that leads to doom and destruction.

    It is very strange to see people who will sink to any depths for the sake of a fleeting moment of physical pleasure or illusionary happiness.

    “Consider not that Allah is unaware of that which the Zalimoon (polytheists, wrong-doers, etc.) do, but He gives them respite up to a Day when the eyes will stare in horror”

    [Ibraaheem 14:42].

    Muslim narrated in his Saheeh (2583) that Abu Moosa (may Allah be pleased with him) said: The Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said: “Allah, may He be glorified and exalted, grants respite to the wrongdoer, but when He seizes him He will not let him off.” Then he recited: “Such is the Seizure of your Lord when He seizes the (population of) towns while they are doing wrong. Verily, His Seizure is painful (and) severe” [Hood 11:102].

    Do repent to Allah and cut of all contact with this man

    He is like a wolf to e preying on you and trying to cause division between you. Communicate with your husband and try to explain to him that you feel neglected.

    https://islamqa.info/en/answers/1859/examples-of-acceptable-reasons-for-asking-ones-husband-for-khula

  5. Asalamualaykum Anonymous girl,

    I generally agree with "Anonymous" above.

    I would like to expound about one aspect though. I think that your biggest mistake here was not knowing your Islamic rights well in advance of your Nikkah. Islam gives every woman and man the right to choose who they marry. You say that "[your parents] indirectly forced [you] to accept the proposal and [you] accepted it because [you] had no option left.

    Sister unless you are psychotic, unconscious, or severely abused by your parents to the point of PTSD (where you might fall prey to blackmail), you could choose who you marry. Your parents could not have "forced you" beyond your will. If you are not any of those things, then you have people-pleasing tendencies, when the only one you should be focused on pleasing is Allah. Of course you need to respect your parents, but that doesn't mean you have to obey them in an area where you have a God-given right to your own choice.

    Once you made that choice, you needed to do things the Islamic way. You should not have been taking to this other guy, particularly in such an intimate way that you claim he knows everything about you! And he was in the wrong for steering you away from your husband.

    Sister, I would ask Allah for forgiveness, pray all your Salah on time, and make du'a for Allah to guide you in your every move, so that you can't go wrong. If you really don't like your husband and he treats you badly, then by all means, seek divorce. And take the lesson that you learned through this and apply it in the future. Inshallah all will be well.

    Hugs,

    Nor
    IslamicAnswers

    • I didn't expand on my reply but I should have. Forced marriages aren't permissible. If you say your father said he won't give you money for this month if you don't marry then this is not forcing. The woman has a choice to stay or leave in a forced marriage

      https://islamqa.info/en/answers/163990/her-father-forced-her-to-get-married-is-this-marriage-valid-and-what-is-the-ruling-on-intercourse-in-this-case
      https://islamqa.info/en/answers/26852/does-a-son-or-daughter-have-the-right-to-refuse-the-person-whom-the-parents-choose-for-them-to-marry

      She says, "When we had Nikkah, our relationship slowly became strong because there was a lot of physical contact between us!! Then I realized after four or five months that he is now only interested in my body and he doesn't love me!! I was so shattered in tears, and then he said directly to me "I can live without you." He even threatened me. He was talking about divorce indirectly and saying he can give me a divorce if I don't fulfill his desire!"

      It is normal for a man to lust after his wife and want her to fullfill her sexual desire. She never mentioned the way he said it. Perhaps he just said it to let her know that he can divorce her if she refuses intimacy which is his right if he is spending on her. Maybe he was just setting the boundaries and had no intention to divorce. And regarding him saying" "I can live without you" then maybe he didn't mean it in the way it came across to you. He technically can live without you perhaps he meant it that way.

      What this woman needs to do is communicate with her husband in a nice and polite way and tell her that she was hurt by what he said and it made her love for him decrease.

      The reality of this evil university lover is that he is trash and like a wolf. He is garbage because he is seeking out another man's wife. And she would be garbage just like him for going with him. Wolves will use you like a tissue paper and through you away. They are not willing to do anything for you. They just want your body to get in your pants.

      • It is not normal for a man to lust after his wife and then tell her he can live without her, or threaten divorce if she doesn't sleep with him.

        That is emotional blackmail, and emotional abuse. He has destroyed the love his wife had for him with this behaviour. She thought he loved her, and he showed her that his lust has nothign to do with love. This is not how a muslim husband behaves. That's just disgusting.

        There's more to a marital relationship that fulfulling the husbands lustful desired. Both parties also need friendship and emotional support.

        The OP needs to sort out her relationship with her husband first. Is he willing to change and give her what she needs in the marriage. If not then she needs to make other plans, independent of the other guy.

        She should drop the haram relationship immediatly. She may not love him and it may just be trick her mind is playing on her, to use him as a means of escape. He should not be used as an escape route, as we all know, vulnerable women are prone to be targeted by predetors, ans she is in quite a vulnerable stage right now.

      • I replied all ur answers in above response to comment u can see now....!!

  6. Assalamualaikum I am still waiting for my reply I posted my problem above still didn't get an opinion please help

  7. How do you know that when you divorce your husband your university boyfriend will really want to marry you. Are you sure he is not using you? Talk to your husband to see how he feels about the marriage, is he happy, ask him was he forced too. See how the conversation goes with him then he can see that you are not happy, and maybe he will step up.

    • There is many things but I know he will mary me...or if u need anyother things to know u can read the comment that i just posted in response..

      • Anonymous Girl,

        Tami has a point. You do not really know that your University boyfriend will marry you...this is in the future, the unseen, and in Allah's knowledge alone. Our test is to follow Allah's instructions and be confident that what we get from Him is for our best. You are not following Allah's instructions. You say you are 100% sure this is what Allah wants, and that you just need guidance to move forward with your choice. However, you have been given lots of guidance in this thread, and you are not following it! You absolutely need to sort out things with your husband before moving to another prospect. You need to put your relationship with this other boy on hold until you get a divorce from your husband.

        Nor
        IslamicAnswers

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