Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Letting go…

Assalam alaykum bro & sister,

I have some question straight forward,  let me give you  brief history why I need to ask this question..  I been in a Zina relationship for 5 years with my pakistani boyfriend, " and YES I know its a BIG haram and unforgivable...  but my heart is not in my control for the last 5 years I always dua, repent forgiveness, even I' m at work,walking on the street anywhere that Allah will hear me, remove our feelings"  please take note I know the difference of LUST and LOVE, we can even sleep together without having sex or touching each other we respect and we have subber,

I'm married separated and annulled and now his married since last 10 months with in an arranged marriage due to family pressure he needs to or else it will be ashamed for his family so we agree... we love each other not just one person said that but a lot even those people who knows as we are inseparable, BUT!! I came to point that i want to STOP this relationship, for obvious reasons her wife is pregnant and i want him to live a happy and normal life without haram & without me It hurts like pulling a sword in your heart,.. knowing that I'm giving up with someone who  I can say my best friend and my love of my life.

BUT!!! I want to marry someone who can be with me and only me without any string or loggage attached, as I don't want to be a second wife as I can picture  out my self with the situation... I love him that's why i want to give up with for him a happy life.. and Allah let us meet and Allah will separate us I offer everything to Allah, Allah knows whats best for us..

But my question is:

  1. How can I leave him without hurting him?
  2. How can I explain that this is good for us "many times he told me that he will talak her wife but i always scared him that he will not see me again if he will do that"
  3. I tried to close and block him in my mobile but I will received a lot of calls from different number.
  4. Should I just run & disappear without saying goodbye?
  5.  Should I find someone so that he will leave me? ( but i cannot feel any love or attraction to any man because I love him)
  6. is there any DUA that makes him stop loving me?
  7. What should I do?

I Know letting him go will make our mind & heart in peace.. I know letting him go will be painful, I know letting him go will be a challenge.. and letting him go is the best Allah wants us to be... but how? but how to let him go???

...

... I prayed istikhara...

...

Assalam Alaykum to my sisters and brothers of faith,

I have an issue and I am trap on it, trying to be out.. but what ever I do i can't.. and Allah show me that Allah alone is a way out.. I cried, I sujod and I prayed begging Allah to give me answers..

I read alot about dua Istahkira I followed, and I dream of BLACK and WHITE thing which i cannot remember but i know there is 2 color black and white... which is I don't know how to translate it.. as I believe if its white or green its positive if its red or black is bad. can anybody help me to translate it, can any body advise whats best for me to do.. in my situation..

if you can read my previous post in title of loving someone in a wrong time... you will understand what I I'm struggling too.. I want to share my life story as i want to be a good muslima and enter Jannah.. in this way I can express and share as i cant share it to anyone..

Fatima1212

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25 Responses »

  1. Assalam Walaykum Sister! Ah man I make dua for you because I cannot imagine how painful that can be. But you are going in the right direction. You have the intention of letting him go for a better life and that is EXACTLY what Allah swt is looking for in you. He will lead you in the right path only if you slowly let go of him. Slow down the contact, hanging out, talking and focus on yourself. This will definitely take some time but trust me. Time heals all wounds. Coming closer to Allah in praying 5x a day, reading Qur'an, dhikr, fasting, observing hijab, etc. These thigs will alieviate the pain and help you have peace in your heart. Spend your time working, going to school, or whatever you usually do or indulge in a hobby or passion. Please sister, try to distance yourself. Train your mind to be comscious of Allah. Meditate. Pray. In my opinion praying all salat is the best thing you can do. And in your duas be sincere, recognize your sin, and promise to stay away from it. It's hard but Allah is always testing you, remember that. Happiness will find you once you finally push away from the Zina relationship. The pain is only temporary love. If you really can't do it.. If it's haram, make it halal as much as possible. I hope this advice helps you. Take care sister ~

    • I highly appreciate your comment Shina you are one of the example of a good Muslima.. and you are the one who has a kind heart and a broad intellect..

      Take care and May Allah bless your heart desires.

  2. "A man will always try to sweet-talk you
    but until he says 'I do', you don't".

    Don't get offended but you need some tough love lady

    Well you are certainly in a very deep predicament

    you know very well that premarital sex
    especially on such a long-term would bring so many problems for you

    in my mind the guy who you are with does not really take you seriously

    for he easily caved in to the pressure of his parents and married another woman

    Yes he may hug you and caress you and make you feel warm

    but here's a little secret

    men follow their Anatomy
    they will sleep with almost anything
    because that is their nature

    but women on the other hand go by their emotions in their heart
    and he took advantage of you

    What should you do

    cut off all contact start the divorce process

    clean your life up and start all over again

    yes it is very painful almost to the point of death

    but you and that guy should have thought about that before you two hopped in bed

    You say you are afraid to hurt him?
    But he clearly hurt you.

    He did not take you to his parents with respect

    He dishonored you by sleeping with you

    Now he marries another girl.
    Who is the real victim here?

    He was only trying to fulfill his need of lust
    if he really loved u and respected you

    he would have tried to marry you and give you respect

    this is why I always emphasize to women

    no matter how much a man says he loves you and Promises to marry you

    you do not ever sleep with him
    until you have that ring on your finger

    do not ever fall for that trap

    Do not ever fall for that trap again
    You do not need to do Istaqarra
    the answer is right in front of you

    It is your choice to follow the advice.
    That is why you are here.

    Good luck
    Salamalekum

    • My dear sister:
      Not all men are like that.
      "but here's a little secret

      men follow their Anatomy
      they will sleep with almost anything
      because that is their nature"
      I love and give respect to women not because they are cute or something else but because they are very gentle, soft and loving.
      But i guess not all the women are same too.

  3. If you are still not able to follow above advise and not able to control your lust better to be his second wife and enjoy halaal sex .

  4. Assalam Alaykum to all of you! and thank you for your advises, I truly agreed all what you said is very true.. I will not question your opinion and message, I will do my best with Allahs guidance and help he will make this easy for the 2 of us, to be apart with the person I truly love.. even it will kill me in pain.

    he will be going to Pakistan by end of this Month and Inshallah I have a good reason to leave and run away.

    and for a record, I feel sad every time that he is not happy with her wife but cannot leave her because her wife's family will kill his family back in pakistan if he do that.

    Thank you,

    Fatima

    • Why the people who already got married want to love someone else when they r away from their wives? Food for thought. That clearly explains the difference between lust n love.

      • because the fact is marriage is not the only assurance of love..

        • Could be otherwise too. Who said he doesn't love his wife? Could be possible that he's trying to deceive u by giving you the impression that he doesn't love her. If he didn't love her, how come she got pregnant? Just don't be so naive.

    • Fatima you are already divorced and formed new relationship in no time .If divorce was not painfull how leaving your current boyfriend will be painfull . You did zina which is grave sin in Islam .i suggest you to change yourself first as you have put lot of dirt on yourself with your haraam action .Now its time to clean this dirt by repentence .Your name is such a powerfull name but unfortunately your actions were opposite . Repent n become good person

      • Totally agreed with what abc has opined. Love is not a justification to sleep with someone who charms.

      • Thank you Abc for the comment, divorce is not painful because of the hate feelings that comes within the divorce process. and yes leaving my boyfriend is painful because of the feeling that only Allah knows that we love each other truly, but then this is why I'm here in this blog to keep me STRONG of letting go of him and seek advice and listen to peoples opinion..

        And yes I AGREED and I repent everyday and second of my life of what we do.. I just want to rephrase when you mentioned I'm putting a lot of dirt on my self, I dont think so.. its not that I'm sleeping with 3 mens that I can say dirt.. we commit a grave sin trough our feelings that at first we cant control, Allah SubhanawataAllah will make this easy for me and for him.. I always dua that Allah just let us wake up one day and forget the feeling we feel I'm not emotional woman I don't let emotions take over my decision, I decide to LEAVE Him because i know that is the only thing that keep me in peace even its painful and pleased Allah..

        just for a record and don't get me wrong, But I cannot say I'm a weak person Alhamdullah I'm successful I have a good job in Dubai.. I managed to balance my personal and social life, I managed to support my parents and kids.. I Dua, I salah, I read Quaran, I read hadith daily..

        I do accept Zina is is a grave sin, But loving someone unconditionally is a gift from Allah..

        I don't know if religiously, the definition of love. (keep separate the love of Allah because i know its a genuine love).

        To Adil - yes!! Love is not a justification of to sleep with someone I agreed. we are not just but we are not just sleeping together we tried to do some charity, we feed maskin people, we go together for Salah Juma, we remind our self to to pray and read quaran in our busy times and repent, we keep reminding that we love each other but its wrong, he let me meet his mother and father before, his siblings knows me and treat me as a sister, Were not just sleeping .. and feed our human flesh..

        • You are trying to leave him that's a good progress .but justifying Haraam love as gift from Allah is wrong . To become dirty doesn't meant you sleep with multiple men even zina with one man too is like putting dirt on ourself .Point is just realise sincerly that a sin is sin and needs to be repented .The basic condition of repentence is that you have intention of not repeating such sin in future . I am sorry to say we justify our some bad actions saying I do other good stuff like I pray ,read quran ,feed poor etc etc .
          So what's the big deal for one sin .but if this attitude is carried in life we will look like hypocrites ..a grave danger thing ...I see a danger of you forming one more haraam relationship with other man once your boyfriend is gone ..you need to change your thinking . I don't feel its love .Its just physical pleasure and fun which you will get with other man once this chapter is closed .Getting it haraam or halaal way is your choice .we are accountable for for our choices and actions .

          • Well said abc. Infact I wanted to convey the same but lost direction in the middle. She's trying to justify by saying salah, namaaz, charity etc. I'll give an analogy for her to understand. It's just like a robber who says I pray, give zakah, behave well with others etc after looting money from someone. What's the difference? Zina overshadows the good deeds u are doing. What's the use of doing so if you continue persisting in those things. And please don't justify by saying salah, fasting etc.

        • If he truly loved, he must have kept himself away from zina. That's how a good n truly loving person behaves. True love means that person respects, understands, cares, helps, share good moments but wouldn't ever think of zina before marriage even if he came across many situations that tempts. Infact he'll try his best to marry you n make the relationship halal if he truly valued u. Your definition of true love is absolutely wrong. I totally don't agree with your view of true. Mutual feeling of love doesn't mean true love. It's got broad dimensions. Anyway, u said u both offer salah, repent etc. Then y u commit zina again n again even after repenting many times. Sex is bigger addiction than any commercially available drugs. The more you explore, difficult it become to get out of it. N remember, no one is going to bear the burden of your sins. N ur having kids too.. Think from the perspective of your kids. No kid would want his or her mom to be involved in illicit affairs. How shameful could that be for them. Try to live for your kids n family rather than wasting time for someone. Honestly speaking, m fed up of such creep stories. Why u ppl can't be good?? There are millions of stories with almost the same content on this website.. Phew.... May Allah grant wisdom to people. Live for your kids n love them instead of this silly married guy. For u, he's the one but for him, u r one among the two or probably more than that.. Who knows.. There lies the difference.

          • N remember the story of khadija ra. She truly liked prophet saws before marriage n he even took care of her business prior to their marriage. But they didn't go on to commit zina. Instead khadija ra sent a proposal for marriage. N theirs was true love. Hope you understood what I meant

          • I agree with above comments.

            Its absolutely shocking sister mentioning words like "Allah subhanwatala " "Subhanallah" "Masha Allah" "Dua" etc etc and on top of it describing she is regulaly praying namaz ,quran ,hadith etc etc daily and involved in Zina since 5 years with her boyfriend . If anybody sees this they will loose trust in other pious sisters too .
            It is a bigger damage .not only to above sister but for the image of good practicing muslimahs ..Its high time you change your ways .

            How can some body go to prayers with boyfriend ? This is worst level of hypocrisy.

          • I wish to add something more,.think from the perspective of his wife. She's being cheated on coz of u in his life. How hard n cruel is that for a married girl? Would you ever have tolerated this if you were in her place n same happened to u? Would you forgive that?

  5. I don't know what to say.. while reading all the judgmental comment and not an advice anymore. anyway its a blog I should expect this but not from a Muslim, who believes in forgiveness and repent can be attainable in Allahs eyes, even I will kill a person or doing the worst haram if I repent I should be forgiven.. but all of you have a narrow mind, close, and block with Hypocrisy..

    as a matter of fact what i say is just truth its not hygrochasy its truth and real.. you are not Allah to judge me or my feelings, I thought this site will answer my questions but brothers and sisters are mentally emotionally judgmental.. Yes I commit Zina and I repent and Im trying to leave and renew my self!!! But never questioned my FAITH. no one knows what you guys are doing despite of judging.. are you really a muslims?? or your just good in judging people?

    and to Guest: Allah never questioned me about my prayers and namwz you dont have the right to questioned my faith, pious muslims? you should check that there is a lot more than worts on this situation who never repent, judge those you call pious muslims who cover there selfs but at night they remove and go to bar.. I might be dirty in the eyes of Allah.. but you are not the one to judge. I made mistake and I repent and I'm letting go..

    and to brother Adil: yes I always think, I put myself in her shoes... that's why I'm letting go..

    I felt sad that my purpose here is to get an advice on how to let go... not to be judge but anyway its fine.. thank you for all who comment. May Allah Bless you more.

    Fatima

  6. To Adil: (There are millions of stories with almost the same content on this website.. Phew.... May Allah grant wisdom to people) Just a million of us felt in love.. I understand you, you might not feel love before.

    and about my kids? I'm taking care and love them I support them financially, emotional and physically as a mother no pause no excuses my sweat and blood..

  7. I just read your other post where you say you are convert from Christian faith to Islam and from philipean . THIS description has softened me as I know it takes lot of time to understand and change yourself .So far I was assuming that you were born Muslim woman from some Muslim country .I congratulate you for accepting Islam and I hope you will learn and adopt Islamic life completely over a period of time .May Allah everybody jn right path .

    • Hi Abc - just to clarify I convert with my own will, my own research, my own experienced and my own belief.. no one push me to convert in Islam since I was i Christian i dont belive of idols i believe that there is only one God.. and no other like him.

      And regarding with my issues.....True its not easy to understand, to change religiously, culturaly and socialy. But Im trying my best.. Allah may trow me in hell fire becuse i commit ZINA, but i keep begging Allah crying, kneeling to remove this feeling inside our hearts. If this is not love if this is lust or craziness, then I beg Allah to do something on my situation cause it hurts..

  8. Salam sister, please leave and forget him..that's the best solution and concentrate on improving your iman and link with allah so inshallah in the future you know not to go into similar relationship...maybe allah is giving you a chance to come back to him away from that guy, so your not blindly in love doing haram things against the religion...sister we all human being and we all loved someone once in our lives but that's the test u need to be strong and figh against shaytan together so you will be together in this world and the next(that is true love and not powered by shaytan who fills you with urging feelings to fall into zina)..i love someone now but if they took advantage of me (I wouldn't let him however much I'm crazy about him)and want zina even if he says we marrying me then that love will turn to hatred and I will never forgive him as he ruined my hereafter...allah is most forgiving but zina only once is the biggest sin subhanallah, yet we think zina is only intercourse but its anything between an unmarried man and women(touching,kissing,holding hands)...anyways sis this is your chance to be close to allah forget about this guy, you not only ruining your hereafter but also responsible for his hereafter...

    Re-edited

    • I am replying very late because I just read this. I am 54 yr old psychiatrist, in my opinion the best solution to this problem is marry this guy and be the second wife. Who cares if you are second. At least you are not committing major sin. And if this guy refuses to marry then leave him because he does not love you. He is using you. This is BS his wife family will kill my family in this age. Just excuses. After becoming second wife, his wife will leave anyways.
      Too much said and too late. God help every one be on the right path.

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