Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My enraged husband has abandoned me at my parents’ place!

Pregnant woman depressed

Salam,

I am a 27-year-old woman who got into an arranged marriage with a 29 year-old man. His family approached us as unknowns but eventually we found out we are distant relatives! All was well and they were very friendly.

We got engaged after four months of knowing each other, and one year later, we got married. However, my now-husband, who is known for his jolly and friendly nature, has turned out to be a hypocrite. He is a very rude, ill-mannered man who has explosive anger episodes and also threatens that I have yet to see his wrath. He has the habit of checking my wallet, takes my money, and checks my phone. And he never gives me money of his own.

Issues arose even when we were engaged. He was planning our honeymoon and did not want to tell me where we were going. He asked me to apply for passport and other documents, but the same day I applied, I was not able to tell him that I have finished applying for the passport. So later that evening, he became so aggressive that "why am I late to tell him?" He in fact threatened that he would go alone if my documents are not prepared. This episode was so intense...it should have been the first yellow card for me.

Now I am married to him and his behavior is out of control. I never know when he will get angry, nor do I know when he will burst out in rage. Moreover, he is strictly against me going to visit my parents.

Two months into marriage, I conceived but didn't know about it. I told my mother-in-law about my condition...that I was feeling exhausted and sleepy. She immediately started feeding me something, saying that it will give me energy. After eating that for a couple of days, my gums started swelling with ulcers and I started menstruating so heavily. I was so heavy that my husband told me to go to my parents. Later, I found out I was 4 weeks pregnant and that I'd miscarried.

Meanwhile, my husband's behavior was changing. He would say things like "I don't want to stay in our room because my parents need me." He would spend bigger parts of nights with his mother. I never objected. But the change in his behavior was so obvious. He was getting angry more, getting more annoyed with me, another habit was that he started to physically abuse himself by hitting and slapping himself, and abusing me and my parents. All this happened because I wanted to go see my parents, or when my parents visited me and asked my husband to visit more often because they miss me.

One month ago, my husband, along with his parents, came to my parents' home, had dinner and left me here. I was going through morning sickness because I was nine weeks pregnant. He left me here, saying "you can stay here as much as you want." I was happy that he is being generous and finally now allowing me to stay with my parents for few days.

But only three days later, I asked him to come pick me up and he refused. He said he will not come to pick me as he is busy for several days. But he talked to me in such a manner that I understood that he is angry with me for some reason. I got scared because I knew his anger. And I started crying. My parents stepped up for me and went to see my husband without me, trying to figure out what has happened. He and his parents misbehaved with my parents and asked them to sent me back whenever I want, but refused to pick me up.

Now my parents and I feel insulted and betrayed. After this episode of confrontation, my condition became worse. I started bleeding in my tenth week of pregnancy and texted him about my condition because according to the doctor the size of fetus was smaller than usual and had very little chance to survive. To which he replied "you can do whatever you want!"

Sixteen days ago, I had my miscarriage and he hasn't even texted or called me once to see if I am alright! Or if the baby is okay?!

I am considering divorce and my parents stand with me on this. After six months of marriage, unlimited emotional abuse, unpredictable anger, and dying affection...

Please help me. Is my decision to get khula (divorce) appropriate? I need suggestions and advice from Islamic point of view and humanitarian point of view.

Ata


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3 Responses »

  1. Asalamualaykum Sister Ata,

    Your decision to get divorced is absolutely appropriate given your husband's erratic, disrespectful, and insensitive behavior. It seems he does not know what he wants. One minute he's telling you you can't go to your parents when you want, then when it serves his purpose by taking a load off of him, he dumps you off there and just leaves you without an explanation? I wouldn't waste time trying to figure out what is going on in his head. It sounds like he might have a personality disorder, and is not capable of emotionally supporting you as you need.

    Hugs,

    Nor
    IslamicAnswers

  2. He is crazy. Not normal at all. And his parents to be supporting him is sickening. Married to a typical backward cultured family. During your engagement, his anger and threat was a big red flag. Sorry for the miscarriages, there’s something good in it. Please leave him and his stupid family!

  3. As-salaamualaikum
    Alhamdulillaah, your parents are supporting you. What kind of husband let his wife went through 2 miscarriages alone? He seems to be at least mentally disturbed and his parents are super controlling. Runaway from this as far as you can. Do not apply for khula, because this way you will have to return your mahr. But ask for faskh-an-nikah, which is marriage annulment on the base that he is emotionally and physically abusive, and his parents are also that way. Own the narrative and let people know your story, don't let them smear your reputation. Allah will send you someone better in the future, bi-idhnillaah. Don't be afraid to investigate and ask hard questions to potential suitors, such as : do you or your family have any mental disorder? Do you take any medication? etc. It's not rude, but being smart. May Allaah rectify all your affairs.

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