Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Problems with my wife…

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i married about 1 year ago. After the marriage, in our first night, she told me that she was not ready for sex. So i said no problem, i can wait. But this is how destruction started. In our culture the woman often say No but acutally she want you to win her over, but since i didn't grow up in her culture, i didn't know this (and thats why her parents think i have some problems, i may be gay or something - what is absolutly not true) and in my culture (we currently live in different countries - i grew up an western culture) we learn that you should not force anyone to do something they don't want to ... after a few days i noticed that my wife was more busy with chatting via mobile phone then spending time with her new husband, me. Sometimes i was sitting next to her and instead of talking to me, she was chatting with someone else. So i spoke to her that i don't like this, i feel like ignored.

Later i saw by chance who she was chatting with, it was someone from her college, she shared with this guy a lot, i noticed that they both are pretty much close. So i talked to her about this and she replied that he is just a friend and that she understood that i am suspecting her now , i said that i just want to know the truth.

I asked her to explain me why he is asking you something like "if your marriage was not set, would you marry me?" and other conversations (e. g. the guy asked her: "can we talk? i can not sleep without talking with you ...") and there was a lot of other hints and indications that made me curious what this guy and my wifes relation is. And i am sure that this guys has feelings for her. What i am not sure is, if my wife does have feelings for him (my wife says no, but her action speed something else).

She told me that there is nothing between them two, but before i could read the whole chat (i only read the chat of last few days), she deleted it. This broke my trust in her. My opinion is, that if there is nothing, she should have open up to me and show me everything just to make me feel secure, but she didn't ... so after that we argued a long time, till my parents and her parents knew this, and everyone tried to solve the problem.

I forgave her and wanted to forget the past.

But now she is doing it again, she blocked my number so i don't see her online times, but i got the information from someone else (i didn't spy on her) that she is using her mothers number in a <app> to chat. So i got a new phone number and just to see if it's true and then so see her online times, since i have all her friends number too, i compared the on/off times. For example, i talked to her by phone about 12 pm, she says she wants to sleep now, and then i see her a few minutes later online in <app> for 1 and sometimes 2 hours late into night.

Why would i not suspect her if she hides from me and lies to me?

I have constantly the feeling that she is quite cold with me, because I know if how she can be if she gives love and warmth. Thats what makes me sad.

I go to work, i try to provide for her and make her happy, save money for our future, planing our honeymoon and everything i get back is her coldness, zero love and lies. I don't know what i should do now.

Should i talk to her again and risk our marriage? In the past i tried to educate her about what islam says about marriage etc. but it looks like its useless.

My main problem is  that she says that there is no one else in her life and there is no one she loves and that woman marry only ones in lifetime and that she wants to keep this marriage. Thats what irritates me, thats why i don't understand why she is hiding, have secrets and lies to me and threats me cold-hearted, she even dont want much intimacy with me and the love i have for her, she doesn't have love for me (unrequited love).

Thanks for your time.


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12 Responses »

  1. Hi
    This has nothing to do with the person wanting advice. I need help i am madly in love with a Muslim women i am not a muslim. In short she will not let me meet her family till i give them a deposit for a home. I love her and will do this but i feel i should be allow to meet her family first before i do this. I am not a wealth man but will do it for love. What should i do. I have told her that her faith i will support and do nothing to get in the way of her faith.
    Please i do not want her to leave me.
    Any help would be welcome.

    • Assalaamualaikam

      Firstly, a Muslim woman is prohibited from marrying a non-Muslim man.

      Secondly, a Muslim should not be having relationships outside of marriage.

      Thirdly, if she's demanding money like this, I'd be suspicious that she's probably using you for financial gain.

      My advice is to leave this woman - this relationship has no future and will only lead to heartache. I would also encourage you to learn more about Islam, as our faith has a lot to offer men and women. If you require further information please submit your question as a new post for publication rather than as a comment.

      Midnightmoon editor

      • Hi dear Jaison brother as one of my brother from advised you I am sure that's the great suitable and correct advise for you please follow it and don't trust her she might using you for financial support probably there is many girls from some countries who get the love of guys online and ask for money example from Morroco Indonisia Malaysia South Africa and many more so please brother take extra care and try to research on Islam you will find the right way good luck

  2. Excuse me for being so blunt, but sometimes you have to say it. Grow a pair of balls and act like an adult in a marriage.

    Tell her to cut the communication with any males that is not a mahram. If she refuses and you continue to allow her, she will exploit your weakness and continue to damage you more.

    No woman is that special that you can allow her to treat you like this, and no man if the roles were reversed.

    You know the answer already, you don't even need our advice, but if it gives you any comfort we will.

    Ask her to cut out the communication with him or leave her. If you do leave her, you will carry on with your life, she will be the one to suffer.

    I sometimes do wonder how people can be so patient when they shouldn't be and then are so impatient when they should be patient. It is not a time for patience, what she is doing is wrong, wrong and wrong and now is the time to address it.

  3. You and your wife live in separate countries. It sounds like a lot of this "suspicious behaviour" is arising because you two communicate electronically and you spy on her via various cell phones.

    Why don't you just live with her like a normal married couple, and figure things out through direct communication?

  4. Dear Maya Assalam u Alaikam I read your whole message I understand but as I am from Diffrent culture though I am Muslim my advise might Diffrent than others but brother let's me tell you that culture is something difference we have to ignore the culture we should follow Islam and really you are such a nice person that you have enough patience so kindly finally advice her to follow you and create love with you if she still the same than no other option just divorce her

  5. Sorry to be blunt, but I believe she's acting cold for you because you never had sex with her.
    You have to have a conversation with her. You are both adults. In her culture, the husband has to woo her into bed. She is waiting for you to do that and since you didn't she felt you were distant with her.
    Be an adult, go and speak with her. Tell her how you feel. Be intimate with her. She is your wife.

  6. Salam,

    I recommend getting a divorce now. You two are recently married, the marriage has not been consummated, she has trouble returning your love, and she is into chatting with the guy "friend" and he keeps asking his questions like if she would marry him. It seems like her heart is not ready for this marriage and she has difficulty fulfilling her role as a wife to you. If this is the case, then think about your kids in the future. How will they feel in a broken home where either one parent loves the other or neither of them love each other. And there is a limit to how long this is going to be unrequited love, after a while you will also not care for her. So instead of consummating the marriage let her know she is free to pursue her friend. And if her friend is there you can tell him too and if it is in your power to help the two get together help them. It seems she married you against her will.

    As for her not being interested in sex and that you were supposed to woo her. Sure, even if you're supposed to woo her, a woman that is interested in her new husband will not just start texting her guy friend in front of him. I think she's way too into this guy and it's getting in the way of her marriage. Better let her resolve this interest with this other guy and then it will take time for her to get over him before she can invest in someone else. In the mean time you need to move on to a different girl and continue saving up for that honeymoon so you can be with someone that will actually appreciate it. Good luck. Salam.

  7. Salam brother

    I think i can safely assume she is a young girl, and not yet fully matured

    First of all your softness is and will spoil the girl. Yes, that is right.

    So be strict with her brother... Tell her she is a married woman now. so NO MALE friends period. Tell her this is not negotiable
    Be assertive and let her feel your manliness.

    woo her to bed, she is your wife, and her wish for a lasting marriage starts from there. You do not need to be convinced of this but trust me it works. Let her feel you closeness and love, your romantic side. sweep her off her feet.
    Sex to women is not just physical so make sure you treat hr well and make her feel loved. The more connection / intimacy you have the more her confusion will go away as she bonds with you, her man and only.

    I may suggest u go somewhere remote for honeymoon where there will be no distractions and get to know each other more in depth.

    Divorce should be the last resort. She married you and she plainly told you she want this marriage to work. It cannot get clearer or simpler than that.

    So man up and do your duties. Make her feel like a married woman.. protected, loved.
    Be the leader so she can follow. benign so cool and polite may give the wrong signal, as you said. so man up bro and make her a woman of you.

    Hope you try these few steps and write back about the progress.

    Good luck

  8. Dear Brother,

    My advise to you would be to be a man. You need to become the man of the house and the man of the marriage. You should never tolerate your wife talking to a non mehram man. Not even for one time and not even for one second. It is haram in Islam for her to talk to a non mehram man. No matter what the reason.

    You should tell her strictly that you will not tolerate her talking to a non mehram man in your presence or without your presence. In order for you to have trust in her she will have to tell you the password of her phone (you should also give the password of your phone so that you both can build trust) so that you can check whether she is still in contact with the other guy.

    Tell her that if she agrees to not have any contact with any non mehram man in her life ever again then she can stay with you as your wife else you will divorce her.

    Brother, you are too weak to be a man. What you are doing doesn't look like you are being nice. What you are doing looks like you are too weak to ask for your rights as a husband. One major right of the husband is that the wife should not talk to non mehram man in a romantic way in front of the husband. How can the man inside of you tolerate this kind of behavior ?

    You will get respect if you respect yourself enough to be called a man.

    My words seem harsh but it was necessary to bring you in to the right frame of mind. First you need to sort out the problem regarding her contact with a non mehram man once you solve that, then you can start solving other problems.

    Even if you look at it islamically you are doing wrong by tolerating this behavior and it will be a danger to you (May Allah protect us) on the day of Judgement.

    Following is taken from islamqa website.

    If a woman persists an immoral action and does not repent from it or give it up, even if the matter did not go as far as zina, then it is not permissible for the husband to keep her, because that is a kind of cuckoldry (diyaathah), and cuckoldry is a major sin,

    because of the report narrated by al-Nasaa’i (2562) from ‘Abd-Allah ibn ‘Umar (may Allah be pleased with him) who said: The Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said: “There are three at whom Allah, may He be glorified and exalted, will not look on the Day of Resurrection: the one who is defiant towards his parents, the woman who imitates men, and the cuckold.”

    Classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Nasaa’i.

    The cuckold is the one who approves of evil conduct in his family.

    In the hadeeth from the Prophet (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) it says that when Allah, may He be glorified and exalted, created Paradise, He said: “By My glory and majesty, no miser, liar or cuckold will enter you.”

    The cuckold is the one who has no protective jealousy or pride.

    In al-Saheeh it is narrated that the Prophet (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said: “The believer has protective jealousy (gheerah) and Allah has protective jealousy, and the protective jealousy of Allah is that no slave should do that which is forbidden to him.”

    May Allah bless your marriage with love and happiness.

  9. what if it was the other way round and the man is talking to other girls but says there is nothing going on but the wife has read conversations and is not happy with what she reads, is the husband allowed this in islam?

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