Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I am sad all the time… I hate this dunya

Muslim woman in hijab

Asalamualaikum brothers and sisters,

I am 24 years old and I had been in a haram relationship for 3 years. I am born and raised in the UK, but originally from Pakistan. Also the person I used to be with is born and raised in UK but originally from Afghanistan. We stopped seeing each other 7 months ago. We stopped because we both realised that we are doing wrong and are committing sins because we are not halal to each other. Within the years of our haram relationship, we still prayed and fasted during Ramadan and tried to fulfil our farz. We always wanted to marry, from the very beginning but we knew that my parents won´t allow it easily. We were only 20 when we started dating, and he had no job (studying at university) that’s why we wanted him to finish his studies first and get a job before he proposes. Time passed and he finished his studies, while I am doing my masters right now.

We distanced our self from another during the last 7 months, we tried to improve our relationship with Allah s.w.t because we knew we did wrong for a long time and we knew that only Allah the almighty could help us in this matter. What happened is that my family rejected him. They did not ask for his name, or age or job or anything, when they heard that he is afghan, they just said NO , its impossible. Bye. His friend spoke to my mother on the phone and he confirmed that he is a good boy with a good character but my mother said: I believe that he is a good boy and a righteous person, but that does not matter to us. He is Afghan, so there is no way. So to them, in first place Pakistanis are the best and it is impossible to marry someone from another nationality.

I know that everything in life comes from Allah s.w.t , whether we like/understand it or not.

I don’t have a good relationship with my family. They don’t like me and they think that I am bad and foolish. I never knew what love is, because my family never had love for me.  This boy whom I met when I was 20 years old, showed me what love is. I still love him because he is the best person I ever knew in my life and actually the only person in my life that truly loved me. Since my family rejected him, I changed. I changed and anyone can see that. Before I used to be a happy, positive person, always laughing and very social. But now I am shattered within and that is also visible to the outside. I am so sad and I cry so much.. it seems like I cant stop it.. I stare dead ahead and cant concentrate on my studies or on anything. I cant eat and I feel sick,  I don’t like to be with people anymore, I don’t like to talk anymore. I look around and the world has not changed at all. Its all still the same , but I am not the same no more. I feel like I can never be happy anymore. I live with people who don’t respect me and don’t even know me. My family does not know who I am. They love their culture, and traditions are everything to them.... I am born and raised in UK so I cant really identify myself with these traditions…the only thing that matters to me is my religion .. They always make fun out of me, when I read Islamic books or try to speak about islam they make fun out of me. They say I am an idiot and they always humiliate me, because they are very successful and have good jobs and lots of money but I don’t want all that and I don’t seek that. They see that I am suffering because they rejected this boy. They see it but they don’t care instead they make fun out of me. I hate this dunya because there is nothing in it that I like. Money, Fame, Career, I don’t seek these things because it seems useless to me. There was only this one person that had love for me.... okay I am not meant to love or to be loved. So whats left for me in this world?

I never miss a prayer, I pray tahajjud every night, I read quran every day, I do dhikr. I know that allah s.w.t is greater than all these issues. I know his names and I know what they mean. alhamdullilah. I am not angry because I know Allah is Al Adl. I also know that I have a very comfortable life, I am healthy and have a rich family alhamdullilah. But still I am broken. I am fed up of this dunya, I feel I don’t belong here. All I want to do is commit myself to Islam I want to go far away and be to myself and be far away from my families negativity. I think my family took my haqq ..they are racist and don’t even feel bad about it. I feel I can’t live a life with them. They are so bad, still I must fulfil my Islamic duties and be good to them. Its so hard they can play with my life, my life and my future is in their hands and I cant even change that.

What also really stresses me , is my feeling of guilt. The boys family has no problems with him marrying someone from another nation. The problems all come from my families  side. I feel so bad for him because He loves me so much and he changed so much for the better. He is mashallah an amazing human being and I feel so bad that he has to suffer because of me. I broke his heart. We both know that we are in this situation because we did wrong. But now it is as it is and we cant change our hearts.

I don’t feel anything positive or happiness anymore. I had a colourful life and now it all seems black and white. Its so hard to accept one’s fate. I don’t know why, but I still have hope that I will marry this person someday. We had plans that we go to hajj after marriage so that Allah might forgive us for our sins…..now I want to go to hajj and die there. I don’t know how to cope with my situation..my friends call me and ask what happened to me but I don’t want to talk anymore. My Heart is bleeding and I feel so lost. I know Allah sees me, he is al khabeer, he is aware of our situation. But will I ever be happy again in this cold and meaningless dunya? Allahu alem.

I don’t know how to deal with my family. We live together and they act as if nothing happened. My world broke down but for them, nothing happened. They don’t care about me or my feelings. I hate it to be around them. But I know that I must, because of my religion.

Can someone please give me advice what to do? Shall I continue making dua to Allah s.w.t for making this marriage possible or should I quit and come to terms to the fact that human love is not meant for me in this dunya?

Jazakallahu Khair

Taiba

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9 Responses »

  1. Asalamo Aleykoum dear sister.

    I don't have any advice other than patience. I'm in the exact same situation and I feel devastated. The only difference in my case is that we're in the same uni clas, and booth arabs. My parents rejected him only because we're not of the same nationality.

    In my case, I will not give up, He (and I) will try to persuade them and only time can tell... 🙁
    may allah give you what your heart desire if it's kher for you.

    • These haraam relationships will destroy both your character and mental peace. You will pray n then do haraam stuff ,what's the use ? Better leave these haraam relationships .

      • I'm not in a relationship what so ever!
        I know him very well and he knows me very well because we're in the same uni class (Europe) We are booth serious and love each other and want to get married!
        The only thing stopping us is my parents because of invalid reasons such as he's not from the same country, what will people say etc etc.

  2. My sisterling just go to a Sunni mosque speak to the head religious person such as a mufti

  3. SALAM sister. . . I would say read more about what Allah says about this temporary Dunya . ALSO pay attention to the words of prophets and saintly religious figures. . You would find that difficult circumstances in this world are meant to break you so that eventually you come closer to Allah. . . So rarely do people find peace here ; we must live like a traveler and keep moving forward .. for peace of heart do more zikr and Durood sharif and recitation of Quran ..
    We Pakistanis do have this racist mindset for afghans. I know how hard it would be to convince your parents. Have trust in Allah . He will give you what's most appropriate for you. Keep doing tahajud best of luck

  4. Salaam warahmatullah. Dear. Dont use any mobile. Tv and dont talk to anyone. Lock yourself in a room for 5 days. Just do zikr alot and all salaah on time. And pls dont distract ur concentration. And pls ask allah for forgivness and ask what do you want. In sha allah .u ll find a huge difference.. our prophets did this so pls u too fallow in sha allah .allahumma khair ya uqthi.
    Wassalam warahmatullah.
    Riz

  5. Assalamoalaykum sister.

    When reading your story I could almost sense the hurt and sadness you carry with you. May Allah make it easy for you.

    Sister, I have also had some extreme times during my life where I would constantly pray for Allah to give me death. Those were my lowest times. Then Allah guided me and I came accross the story and dua of prophet Ayub AS. This showed me my own situation in another light. It showed me to still thank Allah. I felt so bad. Most surprising thing for me was, how did I never learn about prophet Ayub AS? Then I understood Allah saved it for me for that low point to raise me up again. Subhan'Allah.
    http://idealwoman.org/2014/the-prophet-ayub-alayhi-salam-and-his-story-of-hardships/

    Sister if you haven't already, then please read and try and put yourself into prophet Ayub AS place, Subhanallah. May Allah guide you and make all matters easy for you.

    Also I suggest istikhara, with interpretation so you understand. If it's something good for you Allah will make it easy and if it's bad for you Allah will turn your heart from it.

  6. Asalamuaikum..
    This world is designed to break your heart..No matter what we get,we can never be truly happy..
    Don't stop making dua sister ..Your dua can change your qadar..
    Be thankful to Allah for Ur difficulties and keep up Ur prayers...

    May Allah ease Ur pain..

  7. Salaam

    Now advanced warning, a lot of people reading this will disagree. But i shall have my say.

    You seem to be an educated person. Yet you're controlled by your family. I would suggest concentrating on your studies fully and getting a well paid job as soon as possible. Prayer is commendable, however, it doesn't pay the rent. You only become independent when you can look after yourself, which includes financially. Once you're independent you can do as you please.

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