Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My father gambles all the money away and tortures us all; I worry about my mother and siblings

You are not alone

This is my complex situation.

I live in a tough family situation.

My father is a hire car driver and a former accountant and chooses to gamble his earnings away. He gives us little to no money from his income and to pay for household expenses he forces my mother to hand him over the money which the government gives us as benefits and we receive in my mother's bank account (but my father forced her to report a false income so we would get more money in benefits than we actually need).

During the initial years my mother who was and is very innocent would give everything to him but as life became tougher due to the unreliability of my father she started to refuse giving that money and my father started using cheap tactics to get the money by either threatening my mum with talaq (DIVORCE) and on other occasions kicking my mother out of the house and sometimes by disappearing altogether from our house and not turning up for days and another tactic he uses is by showing his temper on all of us (we are 4 brothers and sisters altogether).

We have difficulty for paying for our basic household expenses like rent, bills, fees and groceries as well as basic household items like the washing machine and fridge and sometimes the gas, electric, telephone or internet connection is cut due to not paying bills and we have to wait for days before it is restored and that is only before my father fights with my mother and forces her to beg for money from family friends and using them to pay for these necessities.

My father promises to return the money my mum begs for him from our family friends but always delays doing so and sometimes does not even return the money. Once we even got kicked out of the house due to my father not paying the rent regularly.

He has very bad language and has no respect for women and I sometimes catch him viewing pornographic videos on YouTube and chatting and sometimes even flirting with female net friends on social networking sites. He has a very bad habit of gossiping, especially about females. He sometimes says he wants to do a second marriage and he uses the Quran to justify this.

He says that my mother is a manhoos aurat (unlucky, ill fated person) and therefore a second wife is needed since he believes that a household's sustenance is written in the wife's fate  and my mum has bad fate due to which we have financial problems.

He likes to abuse my mother verbally a lot and my maternal relatives as well by talking about them in an ill manner while at the same time demanding debt from my maternal relatives. He never asks money from his own relatives in need but from the people he hates and expects us to honour his family which we know practise Taveez (BLACK MAGIC) on us.

When my parents were married his mother falsely accused my mother and her family of practising black magic during the initial days of the marriage which is when all the fights started. My father and his whole family has made our life miserable and a complete hell. My father's parents brought him up to believe that wives and children are not important in life since there can be many of them in life but parents and sblings are present only once in life and therefore parents and siblings should be given attention only even at the expense of wives and children.

My father's family is known for their barbaric mentality and their habit of practising black magic as well as he fact that the house they own was snatched from my dad's uncle.

My mother is very pious and sometimes I dislike her piety and religiousness (though I love her the most in the world) because she is too patient and has put up with my father for 17.5 years. Whenever I express my dislike and hatred for my father she scolds me because it is against Islam to disrespect parents, however I can't control my feelings for such a father .

My main concern is that no matter how miserly we are we still survive on haram money (unreturned debt from people, earnings from gambling and state given benefits which give us more money than we should get due to our father reporting a false family income the authorities). This haram rizq has destroyed our family and I have seen many bad habits like fighting and swearing develop in my brothers and sisters and this has gone out of control and I have little doubt that this is due to us surviving on rizq which is of haram earnings.

A couple of years ago when my father abandoned us to go to Pakistan my mother thought of taking up sewing and asking me to do a part time job to earn money. I was happy that we had an opportunity to thrive on halal income but my father returned and the status quo continued.

I believe that the best solution would be that once I finish my education my mother should get a divorce and we should leave my father (though I understand cutting off ties with him would be haram but I have no affection for him at all). In us Pakistanis divorced women are highly stigmatised and I am thankful that due to my mother attending local Islam lectures and tafseer classes the divorce option is now available for us.

Lately my father has started burning incense in the house everyday to get rid of the effects of black magic on our household. He believes that my maternal relatives are doing black magic on us. I have heard that burning incense for such purposes is haraam and the only remedies is reciting Quran and dua. We know that my father has gone to such places in Pakistan where black magic is performed at least twice.

Our financial conditions  have not improved for years  and our father continues to gamble stubbornly and has been like that ever since my parents were married. I have been depressed due to all of this from a couple of years though all these problems began when my parents were married. My depression leads me to think of nothing besides my problem and I can't help but feel more miserable and I  can not get out of my whole of misery that I am digging for myself though my mother tells me not to think about these problems.

Please give me advice on what I should do and what the correct in the Islamic perspective.

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3 Responses »

  1. AsSalamualaikum,

    Brother, do you read what the image above says? Do not worry and have patience.

    Your name reminds me of a brave Companion of Allah's Messenger Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam named Talha bin Ubaidullah (Radiyallahu Anhu). He was one of the companions who were given the glad tidings of Jannah, in this World itself.

    Abu Bakr, once said: “On the
    day of Uhud, Abi Ubaida al-Jarrah and myself took shelter in the shade near Allah’s messenger who turned to us and said: ‘Hasten to your friend!’ He meant Talha bin Ubaidullah, who was bleeding profusely, but we first took care of Allah’s messenger’s condition, and then we sought Talha who was lying wounded in one of the groves. When we found him, he had sustained near seventy wounds and blows, and he had lost his fingers during the battle, hence, we attended to him and nursed him the best we could.” “After the battle, when Allah’s messenger Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam returned to Madinah, he stood upon the pulpit, praised Allah Subhaanah and thanked Him for His countless blessings, and he then recited: Among the believers are men who have been true to their covenant with Allah. Some have fulfilled their vows, while others await their end, yielding to no changes. (Qur’an 33:23).

    Someone stood up and said, ‘O Messenger of Allah, who are such people?’” Abu Bakr radiyallahu Anhu continued: “At that moment, Talha had just arrived in the mosque, and he was wearing a green robe under a green cloak, when Allah’s messenger Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam saw him, he said, ‘O questioner, here is one of them.’

    Can you imagine? 70 strikes of the sword while defending Rasoolullah Sallallahu Alaihi wasallam? subhanallah.

    My brother, what you are facing requires some patience and dua to Allah Subhaanah.

    I know your father is a very unReligious person. So, you need to protect yourself, your siblings and your mother from his acts and thoughts.

    If you are sure that the people he is with are known for practicing magic which is infact Kufr, then you should keep away from them. Do not visit them or entertain them to visit you.

    Incense sticks, I have heard that they are from the recent times. That when the worshippers of fire accepted Islam, they were feeling bad to not have fire around them. They needed something to comfort them. They invented the incense sticks which burn and also show them fire.
    Allah Knows Best.

    If your mother intends divorce for a valid reason, then let them separate, but brother, will you be able to take care of them when you just begin earning? Its difficult, not impossible though. Allah is The One Who Provides.

    If your maternal relatives can provide some help where you can stay with them, then it'll be great. What about your maternal grand parents? If they are alive, you can probably see if you can stay with them.

    Whatever the situation, brother, do not lose hope from Allah and do not despair. He is The Most Merciful and He Will Show Mercy.
    Do not dislike the piety of your mother, she is right. Even you need to adopt it. Insha Allah, you'll surely find a way out.

    When you have options to act on, then perform Salatul Istikhaarah with complete trust in Allah and ask your mother to do so, too. And Insha Allah, things will become easy.

    Muhammad Waseem Editor

  2. mashalah brother Waseem what a peaceful answer 🙂 by reading your advice i am sure brother will have peace in his mind

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