Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Abused By Parents

Assalamu Alaykum Borthers and Sisters,

(WARNING! This will be long.)

I'm a female (central asian) that is still a minor and I have a problem which I hope someone may be able to help with InshaAllah. Ever since I was young I've been abused by my parents. I come from a family of 4 girls, (my sisters including me) my father and my mother (currently pregnant with fifth child, a boy InshaAllah). I'm the second child and for as long as I can remember, I've always been treated differently than my sisters. I'm not exaggerating or making up lies. Children are usually hit when they are being punished and this was the case with my older sister and I, excluding the two youngest ones. Even though I was beat up as well, I was the only one to get hit by a belt, stick, or some other hard object. Huge purple, black, blue and sometimes bloody gashes would form on my back and I couldn't walk for days. They'd lock me up if I was behaving badly and one time they kicked me out of the house while it was night, without giving me any food, while I was still 8 or 9. I still remember spending the night outside. Whenever I remember this I just get so heartbroken and I feel scared of anything that reminds me of my childhood. I have a very low PTSD for this.

My two younger siblings are treasured by my parents and they have rarely ever raised their hand against them, other than light pinching. I admit that I was a loud, mischievous kid who always got in trouble but it wasn't until I entered 5th grade that I was diagnosed with ADHD and bipolar disorder. When I tell my parents that I have ADHD, they tell me I'm just making things up and they tell me that all the times I've ever gotten into trouble or been bad is because I am "Shaytan." My mother especially has told me multiple times that I should die and that she wishes she had an abortion or I had died during birth. This hurts me a lot because during the time she was sick or hurting somewhere, she told me she was glad that I was her child since I was the only one who looked after her. On average my mother verbally abuses me or calls me names at least 7 times daily. I also wear glasses and my mother calls me blind, ugly and other names and says that I'm a disabled child when in fact I have nothing wrong Alhamdullilah. As a child growing up hearing this over and over again only being aimed at me really hurt and I started wishing for my own death multiple times even attempting suicide. I was still a kid back then, probably 10 or 11 and it wasn't until I found out that both suicide and wishing for your own death were very bad that I stopped and started reciting the dua'a for asking Allah to let me die when it is better that way.

Whenever I tell my parents that what they say is hurting me or that the place they hit hurts, they tell me that I don't have enough 'sabr.' My parents tell me that I deserve this kind of treatment and I feel it's my responsibility to to solve this problem that I'm creating since I AM the problem. At one point, I even started to accept the fact that I was the reason for all of this and that I deserved this kind of punishment. Even though my parents treat me this way, I still crave for them to look at me, notice me, or show me kindness in any way possible. Whenever we are in front of other relatives or family and friends, they put me down and embarrass me there as well. At school, I always put on the front of being the smart, popular, confident girl who doesn't have a care for the world when inside I feel like I'm slowly dying everyday and my self esteem is super low. My father is a very strict man who doesn't allow us to hang out with friends or stay outside of school but only tells us that we should get 100's at school. He's the type of man who if you even say one thing wrong, he bursts into anger and so we have to be careful on what we say around him. On more than one occasion my father has choked me on my neck for using the "wrong tone" with him. And even though I just look at him, he gets angry accusing me of "glaring" at him and he bursts out again. Other times though he is calm and collected but even the slightest wrong movement can anger him. He says that he loves all of us sisters equally but I remember that he has told me ever since I was small that he hates me and he wishes that I'd never existed or that he only had three daughters.

I know that your supposed to love your parents and appreciate them for all that they've done but honestly, I can't find it in my heart to love them and I'm more angry and terrified of what they'll do next. I know there are other people that have it harder than me but please, I'm begging for someone to help me. I always ask Allah for help and read dua'as but I need advice on how to deal with this. Plus I'm not the type of child who would call security on her parents so that's not an option. I'm literally counting down the days until I can move out and live freely. Because of my situation, I have lost the ability to trust people and even though I smile all the time and have lots of "friends" I don't think I'll ever be able to be close with anyone. Please, help.

PS: I forgot to mention that my mother has very high narcissistic tendencies and was spoiled as a child as she was the eldest. My grandmother also admitted that her favorite child was my mother, leaving out my aunt and uncle. This is the reason she gets mad if anyone talks back, yells at her, or if she doesn't get what she wants.

Sincerely,

A broken heart.

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5 Responses »

  1. Hi I'm a Muslim woman in my early 30s, I'm married and have a kid, so I know what it is like. It's very sad to know that you are treated in a way which is very hurtful to you. May I know your age? Is there any friend or a relative or sister who is close to you? Whoever is close to you try to talk about your situation with them if it feels ok. What do you think would make your parents happy? If you know what it is, try doing that, maybe slowly with time your parents may notice the changes in you and not behave in this way. Remember you can control your behavior, control yourself, not your parents...but once you change yourself or your behavior you may be able to change them. Reach out to me if you feel I could be of any help to you. Thanks. Goodluck

  2. My dearest sister. I am so overwhelmed by your story and have tears in my eyes as i write this. I weep for your lost childhood and the pain you have experienced. I am so so sorry for the suffering your parents have caused you. I pray Allah swt removes your suffering. No child should go through what you have gone through. It's a crime against your innocent younger self. I have written few points down.

    1. You deserve love and acceptance for who you are. You need support for your ADHD and any other needs you may have. Your parents have no excuse for behaving like this. None whatsoever.

    2. You have every right not to feel love towards them. I have a 10 year old son and if i treated him like this i would not expect him to love me. Your parents do not deserve your love.

    3. Please find someone to speak to about this. You need help to get out of this situation. Maybe a teacher at school? You are worth rescuing and saving from your unloving parents. You are worth it.

    4. You do not need to be patient with the treatment of your parents. They need to patient and loving with you.

    I feel for you so much and i don't know what to add. I'm sure others will provide more advice.
    You are in my prayers my dearest sister. Please come back to this forum whenever you need someone to speak to. We will try to be there for you.

    Wherever you are dearest sister, i am sending you my love and hugs and prayers

  3. i am 23, and my m0ther was w0rse than u,, she even beat me at this age, and use isIam t0 justify their eviI acti0ns, s0me ppI d0 n0t deserve t0 have kids,,,these physci0 ppI make the inn0cent chiId hurt and negIect and they think they can d0 whatevr they wan,,bcz isIAM gave them the high status,,,the statment 0f sch0Iars which says rrespect and 0bey ur parents,it d0es appIy t0 th0se wh0 have nice caring parents and it,,d0es n0t appIy t0 every0ne,

  4. Assalam-Alaikum Sister,

    I'm sorry that your parents treated you in such a brutal way. It's truly sad to see parents beating their children to get their point across, when simply they can just talk to them with love. If you don't mind me asking how old are you?

    You stated that you've been patient, and God knows your trying. Don't ever feel that your not loved, always remember God loves you more than anyone. When ever you have a problem talk to him. He will heal you. Share your sorrow/joy with him. Ask him for strength and he will help you. I know they are your parents and you love them dearly, but remember sometimes all we can do is try.

    I hope that by talking to God you find closure and know that you are loved.

    Seeding you my prayers, and hope that the sadness you feel slowly diminishes. May you always be happy and continue to smile.

  5. Aslamualiqum, i feel this is a very un healthy relationship , this will cause a mental illness and affect your brain alot. You need to get it fixed by getting treatments and devoting your life to ALLAH and ways that you can get a happier life. Its hard to focus because your brain is more weaker to those who affected by abuse. I know because i am myself experienced with abuse in my past but please do something about it , Dont ignore it,, ,and take action, ONLY you can help yourself, no BODy can help you beside yourself, AND HAVE faith in ALLAH , he is defiently TESTING your sabar, 🙂

    may ALLAH help you! sister..
    ameen 🙂 love

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