IslamicAnswers.com: Islamic Advice

Assalamu Alaykum Borthers and Sisters,

(WARNING! This will be long.)

I'm a female (central asian) that is still a minor and I have a problem which I hope someone may be able to help with InshaAllah. Ever since I was young I've been abused by my parents. I come from a family of 4 girls, (my sisters including me) my father and my mother (currently pregnant with fifth child, a boy InshaAllah). I'm the second child and for as long as I can remember, I've always been treated differently than my sisters. I'm not exaggerating or making up lies. Children are usually hit when they are being punished and this was the case with my older sister and I, excluding the two youngest ones. Even though I was beat up as well, I was the only one to get hit by a belt, stick, or some other hard object. Huge purple, black, blue and sometimes bloody gashes would form on my back and I couldn't walk for days. They'd lock me up if I was behaving badly and one time they kicked me out of the house while it was night, without giving me any food, while I was still 8 or 9. I still remember spending the night outside. Whenever I remember this I just get so heartbroken and I feel scared of anything that reminds me of my childhood. I have a very low PTSD for this.

My two younger siblings are treasured by my parents and they have rarely ever raised their hand against them, other than light pinching. I admit that I was a loud, mischievous kid who always got in trouble but it wasn't until I entered 5th grade that I was diagnosed with ADHD and bipolar disorder. When I tell my parents that I have ADHD, they tell me I'm just making things up and they tell me that all the times I've ever gotten into trouble or been bad is because I am "Shaytan." My mother especially has told me multiple times that I should die and that she wishes she had an abortion or I had died during birth. This hurts me a lot because during the time she was sick or hurting somewhere, she told me she was glad that I was her child since I was the only one who looked after her. On average my mother verbally abuses me or calls me names at least 7 times daily. I also wear glasses and my mother calls me blind, ugly and other names and says that I'm a disabled child when in fact I have nothing wrong Alhamdullilah. As a child growing up hearing this over and over again only being aimed at me really hurt and I started wishing for my own death multiple times even attempting suicide. I was still a kid back then, probably 10 or 11 and it wasn't until I found out that both suicide and wishing for your own death were very bad that I stopped and started reciting the dua'a for asking Allah to let me die when it is better that way.

Whenever I tell my parents that what they say is hurting me or that the place they hit hurts, they tell me that I don't have enough 'sabr.' My parents tell me that I deserve this kind of treatment and I feel it's my responsibility to to solve this problem that I'm creating since I AM the problem. At one point, I even started to accept the fact that I was the reason for all of this and that I deserved this kind of punishment. Even though my parents treat me this way, I still crave for them to look at me, notice me, or show me kindness in any way possible. Whenever we are in front of other relatives or family and friends, they put me down and embarrass me there as well. At school, I always put on the front of being the smart, popular, confident girl who doesn't have a care for the world when inside I feel like I'm slowly dying everyday and my self esteem is super low. My father is a very strict man who doesn't allow us to hang out with friends or stay outside of school but only tells us that we should get 100's at school. He's the type of man who if you even say one thing wrong, he bursts into anger and so we have to be careful on what we say around him. On more than one occasion my father has choked me on my neck for using the "wrong tone" with him. And even though I just look at him, he gets angry accusing me of "glaring" at him and he bursts out again. Other times though he is calm and collected but even the slightest wrong movement can anger him. He says that he loves all of us sisters equally but I remember that he has told me ever since I was small that he hates me and he wishes that I'd never existed or that he only had three daughters.

I know that your supposed to love your parents and appreciate them for all that they've done but honestly, I can't find it in my heart to love them and I'm more angry and terrified of what they'll do next. I know there are other people that have it harder than me but please, I'm begging for someone to help me. I always ask Allah for help and read dua'as but I need advice on how to deal with this. Plus I'm not the type of child who would call security on her parents so that's not an option. I'm literally counting down the days until I can move out and live freely. Because of my situation, I have lost the ability to trust people and even though I smile all the time and have lots of "friends" I don't think I'll ever be able to be close with anyone. Please, help.

PS: I forgot to mention that my mother has very high narcissistic tendencies and was spoiled as a child as she was the eldest. My grandmother also admitted that her favorite child was my mother, leaving out my aunt and uncle. This is the reason she gets mad if anyone talks back, yells at her, or if she doesn't get what she wants.

Sincerely,

A broken heart.