Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Is this how married life should be?

Physical, Verbal, Emotional, Financial... Domestic Abuse is WRONG!

Physical, Verbal, Emotional, Financial... Domestic Abuse is WRONG!

There is so much to say..

I am a newly convert. I got into a haram relationship with a Muslim man and we had a child. I converted June of this year (our son already 1 year and 5 months old) I cannot blame the man as I was educated as what I was doing was haram. Stupidly I believed Allah knew my intentions with this man and know I did want to do the Nikah with him but we just kept having so many problems every time we planned for the Nikah some other fight would come up.

Our problems although may seem light are actually not light at all. There is a lot of misunderstanding between us. He says I don't behave as a Muslim woman should (that i have manly ways about myself) and constantly refers to me as a bitch. I know I'm not perfect.. But I always tried to be for him.

Well, my "actions" caused him to start to get violent towards me.. After violence happened a number of times I called the police in hopes to make it all come to an end..

Since all that has happened we have tried numerous times to fix our situation but I think he holds a lot of anger towards me as I constantly have to hear about me getting him arrested and ruining his life..

We still went ahead and did the Nikah after everything to try and make our new little family work. Because of the problems I put him in with the law he is unable to help with Any finances in the house as he is working on paying back his lawyers and getting the life that I messed up back on track.

There are somethings he does in the house I don't like and when I bring them up to him he tells me he is the husband and I should listen to him because me disobeying him and the way I am speaking to him I am being a bitch and not a good wife.

An example of something he does in the house I don't like is smoking. (As we have a baby living here and I also have 2 children from a previous relationship). I just feel as though anything I feel isn't important because he is the man and his comfort is what is important.

Is this the way we should live? I am so confused as to what I am suppose to do as a Muslim wife and what he is suppose to do because he has told me numerous times he isn't doing anything in this house until I can act like a proper wife. It's just very hard to be a proper wife when I feel like I'm handling the family alone... I clean everything, cook everything, take care of the kids, clean up after his dog, pay for everything. I don't feel like I even have another adult in the house.. It's almost like I took on an older child.

Am I wrong for this feeling? I don't want to do anymore wrong but I am so confused as to what to do.. I have mentioned many times we need help, counselling, just anyone to help us.. He tells me no one can fix our problems but us.. Nothing ever gets fixed.. Please someone help. I am not happy and find myself not wanting to return home when I go out with the kids.


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2 Responses »

  1. It sounds like he is manipulating you. I understand that you have a child with him and so you feel you should try to make things work with him but he is not a good hhsband by the sounds of it. Even if he has stopped the physical abuse his emotional abuse continues. By saying you are not a good wife he is making you feel gulity and trying to control you so that he can get away with his bad behavior.
    In islam, the wife has a lot of rights, the husband should not be swearing at her or putting her down! Even if you are doing something he's not happy with he needs to let you know in a kind and reasonable manner, and judging by the fact that you want counsellingg and are asking for advice on here I am sure you will do whatever it takes to make him happy.
    I don't think your the one who is confused about a Muslim marriage, it's him! He is not fulfilling his duties as a husband and I don't think he has a clue about the islamic rights and reaponsibltkes of a Muslim husband and wife. What is he like in general, does he pray, is islam a significant part of his life? Does he take any drugs or alcohol? Also you are absutely right about asking him to smoke outside esp with children around, clearly he is not a responsible father either.
    The problem is not with you, it's him! He needs to be educated about islam, and marriage. He needs that softness and faith in his heart which he doesn't seem to have currently. Counselling would defintly be beneficial, but if you want this marriage to continue you will need to be very very patient and ignore all the negative comments he makes about you, but he also needs to be motivated to make the marriahe work and put the effort into it. He needs to acknowledge and understand wherre he is going wrong. He needs to respect you. Without this and without insight into his behavoor your just dooming yourself by continuing in this marriage with a man as cruel as him.

  2. Assalam alaikum Sr. Amina,

    It seems you are silently taking this treatment in hopes of being a 'good Muslim wife.' First of all, congratulations on accepting Islam. May it bring you peace and harmony, Inn shaa Allah. I hope that you have a group of Muslim friends to act as a support group for you because it can be a particularly lonely time especially dealing with friends and family who may not have supported you.

    It is my understanding that you acknowledge what is haram and halal in terms of relationships and I pray that you have repented for that time. May Allah give us guidance, Ameen.

    As a human being, let alone the religion, you have the right to not have to face violence, especially from your husband. And maybe you think that you caused him to start the violence as you wrote above, BUT, you can't cause him to be violent--Let's say that was true, wouldn't you be able to cause him to be non-violent? The truth is, you don't control him, and if you did, you wouldn't be writing here because you could manipulate him to your will, but in fact, he controls himself and he controls his own actions and therefore, he is responsible for his own violence.

    It is absolutely ridiculous that he holds you responsible for getting arrested when his actions were what got him arrested--again, he fails to acknowledge his actions or take responsibility. He needs professional help before he ruins his life and yours.

    I don't think that you can make him into the man that you wished you had married. He needs to want to do that. Yes, he is your husband and you should obey him so long as what he says is Islamic, however, calling you names, being violent with you and saying you are not good are absolutely no way for him to treat his wife. It is rather ironic that the wife he chose for himself he uses slurs and negative comments--so does that mean his choice is no good? And what self-respecting man would choose a woman he has no respect for? I don't mean to say that you are not deserving of love and respect, but rather, if you analyze his thinking, he actually has no self-respect. You are in an abusive relationship and Islam does not give the license to abuse you.

    The way that you are living, is no way to live and your feelings are 100% valid. You and your children should not be subjected to 2nd-hand smoking because it makes him comfortable. I suggest that you try to see a Muslim female counsellor and find out if he can get help with a Muslim counsellor. I also suggest that you become more assertive--you appear to be very timid and confused and unsure of how you should be treated as a human. You deserve love and respect and if that isn't something that you can get in this relationship, you need to evaluate if it is worth keeping because this will not only drastically affect you, but your children as well.

    May Allah swt ease your pain, Ameen.

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