Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I want a divorce from my wife and want to marry this other girl who I have been in relationship with.

Divorced couple split in two

Assalam O Alaikum,

I am in a situation which is very troubling. Eight years ago I got married to my mother's identical twin sister's daughter from Pakistan. I have never been content but agreed for my mothers happiness as she had been through a very bad time with my father who used to get violent. For all these years I have put on an act so my mother remains happy. We are not able to have children & last year I became exhausted of living a lie. I spoke to my mother and I explained I wasn't happy in the marriage and wanted a divorce as I was afraid due to my unhappiness I was in danger of committing adultery and did not want to rot in hell. My mothers' response was there is no way you can obtain a divorce she is my niece what will people say my sister won't speak to me again. "I will kill myself " and  if I divorce her my mum would never forgive me to the point where she would write it in her will that I am not to be present on her funeral. Also she has warned my brothers and sisters she would not talk to them if they remained in contact with me. I found this distressing and with family pressure I was forced to give my broken marriage another chance.

Nothing changed and what I was afraid of happened. I met a girl with a beautiful heart and good intentions with whom I and she instantly had a spark and connection with. The girl told me of her intentions of wanting to Marry, she did not know I was still married. She believed I was divorced. Unfortunately, she became pregnant with my twin babies & this is when I had to tell her I was still married. I left her with no option but to abort. I deeply regret this and I realize the degree of what we have done both in terms of committing adultery and aborting. I constantly pray for Allah(swt) forgiveness. My mother is aware of this and still will not allow me to proceed with a divorce. The girl is wanting to marry me and I want the same; she feels unable to forget such things and has tried to meet other people in a halal way but can not forget about the past. We make one another complete. I want to make my relationship with her halal as soon as possible and start a family but I am faced with the situation with my mum.

We have performed istikharah and many times the outcome for us to get married has been positive. I am going to tell my mother I am getting married to her after Ramzan & living in hope that my wife will just leave me. My mother is aware of this and has threatened me with going to the other girls' house and bad mouthing her to her family.
What should I do as I realize I should have been more responsible and realized I shouldn't have done wrong. However, if I remain married to my wife our lives will remain dead and this will only happen again. I do not want to ruin the other girls' life either as I really really love her.


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12 Responses »

  1. Salaams,

    It sounds like you have already made your intentions and just want validation. No one should be able to tell you whether you are right or wrong to take her as a second wife, because it is within your rights.

    I do believe your family in a sense provoked you into your situation by not listening when you first wanted a divorce and were concerned about where it might lead you. But ultimately, you made the choices to act and no one can take the blame for that but yourself. There are many of unhappy married men and women who don't cheat, no matter how great the temptation.

    So far your choices have led from one sin to another. You are trying to fix this mess you got in by marrying the woman you cheated with, because you think this is going to ease the situation. Granted it might ease things initially and temporarily, but I doubt that it will bring the long term ease you are seeking.

    Have you thought about the fact that having an abortion can sometimes affect a woman's ability to get pregnant? It may be that you find yourself childless again if you marry this other woman.

    Have you thought about the fact that you met her while being unfaithful, so she might have difficulty trusting you throughout your marriage. She might constantly be suspicious of you, and this could destroy the foundation of trust you would need to make a marriage last.

    Have you thought about how her family would view you (and her) if and when they find out how you met and what the circumstances were?

    Have you thought about what happens if your current wife doesn't leave and now you must maintain both, treating each equally?

    I think at this point you have done too much damage to avoid being the talk of the family. They are going to have plenty to say about you regardless of what you do right now. In fact, if you have any care to redeem yourselves to them, the best bet would be to forget the idea of taking a second wife and focus on your current one, and try to make her happy and make up for the wrongs you have done against her. I would say you owe this much to her as it is, because otherwise you are not only wronging her by cheating on her, but you are humiliating her by casting her off for the one you sinned with. Even if you were never compatible, even if she were a trial, NO ONE deserves to be cheated on.

    I suggest you think through all the longterm consequences of the choices before you, and try to make one that you won't regret down the road. Make sure you leave your feelings for the other woman out of it, because so far they have only served to misguide you.

    -Amy Editor

  2. My two cents: I would advise you to give your current marriage a chance and forget about this other girl; happiness is a decision, it does not appear magically. Try seeing a marriage counselor, if that's what it takes. Convince yourself that you are happy. Appreciate the good qualities of your wife. See a doctor about your infertility as a couple. Your wife is a family member and it will tear the family apart if you took another wife.

  3. Seekingfaith-

    I really feel for you and your situation. I work with a Pakistani Muslim who is divorcing his wife after 20 years because he married for his family and not himself. He said they never got along and that it was family pressure only that made him marry.

    I am going to share something with you: My ex-boyfriend also married in the arranged way, but wanted to keep me in his life as well. He is also Pakistani but is now a citizen of my country. I finally told him, that I could not be his part time girl and I walked isn't fair to me, and definitely not fair to his innocent wife. I was uncomfortable with committing adultery because it is against my needless to say, our 'part time' that was once 'full time' did not last long. I cannot even believe I did it myself and have prayed for much forgiveness. His poor wife is very young, not educated, and doesn't deserve this kind of treatment from me, even if she is unaware. He is now angry with me and was not nice when we hung up the phone for the last time. He thinks I left him for someone else, which is essentially true, I've met a wonderful man, but I was going to leave him anyway...I advise you to think carefully of what you are doing. You are living two lies now...the facade of a happy marriage, and the facade of a happy adulterous relationship. Having been there myself, and sinning against God, I personally could not handle the adultery. It made me feel so dirty even though I was in his life before his wife. I feel so sorry for you all that get forced into arranged marriages and manipulated to stay in unhappy situations. I could at least choose to walk ex-boyfriend could not, and now he hates me for leaving him. What else could I do? I'll pray for you to find the wisdom to do what is right.

  4. It sounds like your current marriage is broken. Why force it when you already tried? Sometimes in our lives we deal with very difficult situations and in your case your mother is doing a lot of wrong by threatening you with emotinal blackmail. You really need to now draw the line. Why keep your first wife with you in a dead relationship? I vote for you to marry this other girl because you already deeply involved her into your life, she clearly is someone you care for and is of your own choosing....that is how a marriage should start. Not by force and emotional torture. Let your first wife be free to marry who she can also enjoy life with, not both of you living out the rest of your lives in pain when you clearly have already tried. Your mother cannot live without is very common in this culture to make threats, but it's upto you to live the rest of your life in mental pain and torture of these threats or finally take charge and live it to the fullest with the opportunity that has presented itself to you. Good luck.

  5. well brother i may not long my speech but just say you that i agree with what sarah leaf says just for one thing you realy made many mistakes be careful life is not a game its a test

  6. Brother if it was a forced Marriage, then you have the right to marry the other girl, as far as i know forced Marriages are invalid, dont live your life trying to please other people when doing wrong things, like accepting this marriage, it was wrong, because at the end yes you were pleasing your mother but you hurt youself and even caused more pain to your wife, so right now if you want to marry another girl you have the right to do so, but talk to your current wife about this and be honest with her about everything because she also deserves to live a happy life, and your keeping her stuck like this, she might not be happy with you as well, maybe if you divorced her she might also find another man and live a happy life with him, because brother i come from a family were my mother had no right to say no, and now we are the victimes of such a thing, our parents life are dead, no communication only fights and divorced happened more than once, to the extend that when growing up i dont know how normal family life is, because of our grandparents mistakes our life is so horrible now, every person deserves to live with somone they love and care about and not live with somone they are forced to be with.

  7. Salam,
    Brother you have made a lot of mistakes, Ask for Allahs forgivness for what you have done.
    My advice is to Marry this other woman, and refrain from haram until you are married.
    Also brother you have a valid reason to marry again as your wife is barren.
    Although your mum will find it hard to accept, you have to realise you will go in your own grave and are answerable to Allah only. Dont live a life of lie as it will lead you to Haram
    you should speak to your wife about your decison. Why ruin so many lives do the right thing

  8. brother u have the right to live ur life the way u want....but so does your wife...if you are not happy in your marriage,then there is much chance that your wife is sad with it too,....whatever you have done,you seem to have found happiness with that other lady,even if you marry the lady too,and manage to treat the two somewhat equally.............what about your 1st wife's happiness??she is innocent,she has a right to be happy and can she be happy?when she see's that you have cheated her??whatever she did....even if she was not the best wife...she lived with you...since marriage with full sincerity....she doesnot deserve all better be that you tell her...bit by bit...very gently.........and tell her you feel bad about it....,and let her make her decision,whether she want divorce or she wants to live with you when you make a 2nd marriage,......
    i guess it would be fair to the other lady that u marry her...and only just fair to your twins.................and i guess it would be honourable........plz excuse if i said anything wrong..

  9. Have you wver thought of the feelings of your wife?she married you and you are cheating on her. You were going to marry for your mother's happiness and destroyed your wife's life.Every women wishes for a good husband and what have you given her? If you loved this other girl you would have never made it haraam and never lead her to hell.If she had such a good heart and intentions why did she lead voth of you to hell.
    The best thing you can do is leave all feeling of this other girl and focus on making your wife happy atleast for the sake of Allah.
    You have already done enough damage so stop doing more. Ask Allah for his forgives and improve your relationship with your wife.

  10. You should get a divorce and remarry. You fornicated with the girl so I don't even know if you're considered a fornicator now. And the whole issue is that your mother is against the divorce. Regardless of what your mother does you should divorce now as the path of not divorcing is leading you to hell. Divorce is there so that those that cannot stay within the limits of Allah can separate. You've proven that you cannot stay within those limits, which means you should divorce now.

  11. I recommend to recite 1to4 ayat,then (ayatul kursi)255 then 256,257 then last three ayat 284,285,286 of surah barah at the time tahajud once facing side of kaba Sharif and raising hand toward sky for dua after reciting this 10 ayat of surah barah at once.may Allah gives you relief,peace be upon you

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