Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My fiance’s past bothers me?!?

Assalamualaikum all. I was about to get married next year but I broke the engagement because my fiance confessed she had sexual encounters before me. She told me she didn't want it to happen but the guy used to talk depressing stuff to make her get in bed. I didn't believe that. If she didn't want it she wouldn't have done it. She must have had feelings for him.Did I do the right thing by calling off the engagement? I am very sad and depressed lately after she told me all this. Help me out brothers.

Hamdaan

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17 Responses »

  1. Wa Alaikum as Salaam.
    If you really want to be with her, then forgive her and forget her past, as I'm sure she's also already felt bad for it and hopefully she's already making Taubah.
    If you can't get over it and probably will hold this issue against her in the future if you marry her, then cancel the engagement and let her find someone else and you find somebody else too.
    Don't forget to make istikharah so that you choose the best choice.

  2. You can't force yourself with being okay with someone's past. You say your ex-fiancée's past makes you depressed and sad, which tells me you did the right thing in calling off the engagement.

  3. your fiancee didnt have to tell you about her past. she could have hidden this from you. she loved and trusted you enough to be hoenst with you.

    we are human and all make mistakes. she could have realised her mistakes and repented to allah.

    can you say you have not made mistakes in the past that you are not ashamed off? this is in her past fro ma reason, and we cannot go back in time and change what we done rather we can learn from our mistakes and improve our present.

    if you love her, you sould forgive her and focus on the future, how she is with you now, rather than who she was in her past.

    if you hoenstly feel this is something you cannot forget, its best you cut contact, and let her find a man who will accept her and her past, and for you to find somone new.

    there is no gaurentee that even if you find somone with a clean past, you wont have problems. every couple has problems buts its how we compromise andwork to solving these problems which counts.

    • "your fiancee didnt have to tell you about her past. she could have hidden this from you. she loved and trusted you enough to be hoenst with you."

      Yeah, so? Has truth-telling become something people should receive a Nobel Prize for these days? Just because you tell someone the truth, doesn't mean you are entitled to their acceptance. It would have been shitty of her to NOT tell the truth, in my opinion. The girl committed zina, and one of the many consequences of doing that is that a lot of conservative men are not going to want you. And that's okay. There are plenty of other men that don't mind a woman's past.

      Also, it's naive to think that "if you love someone, you will accept them". People fall in love with serial killers, pedophiles and actual psychopaths...just because you love someone, doesn't mean you have to be with them and accept their flaws. I'm not saying zina is in the same category as pedophilia, I'm just saying it's wrong of you lot to make OP believe he has to accept this girl's past "if he truly loves her". He's sad and depressed, clearly, he does truly love her. But that doesn't mean he should be blinded to this girl's flaws. Nor that he should accept them if he can't. Marriage shouldn't be a struggle before you have even gotten married.

      • Salaam Lindita,

        That is so rude of you to say. EVERYONE makes mistakes and whatever past mistakes that were done is between the person and Allah. You don't know what happened and she might have been ashamed and repented. For her to tell her ex-fiance, that was completely up to her and she was honest about it. She could have concealed and if she did, that's not "shitty" of her.

        Also, your analogy about "if you love someone, you will accept them" is totally wrong. The meaning behind that is not saying accept them blindly. There are limits to that. The point is we all have flaws and we cannot find the perfect person. No one is 100% perfect.

        That being said, its totally up to the guy to accept her or leave her and he's entitled to what he likes/dislikes. Mulberry wasn't saying to accept the girl but just providing a perspective.

      • Salaam Lindita,

        I find it so rude for you to say such thing. Have you even try to SEE the world around you TRULY. Not all MUSLIM people are PERFECT, and for sure most of them COMMIT SIN. We all do, it's just a matter of how we SINCERELY repent for it. Just b'coz this girl commit zina, it doesn't mean she have no right to tell the truth to someone she love.
        Telling the truth & being honest to someone is one of the best way to start a good relationship. You don't want to learn in the process that the person u trusted most, the person ur willing to share ur life with, is keeping a huge secret from u. Have u not think how would u feel. i believe ur a girl. But u think in a double standard way. Why married woman when divorce still can marry some noble man. Why this girl cannot. Why we must judge her. We all dont know what happen to her.
        And please stop being so sarcastic by saying "Has truth-telling become something people should receive a Nobel Prize for these days?".
        People tell the truth because they have to, they choose to. Lying is a sin so why must they lie. Being honest is better. We may bot want the result in the end. But one thing is for sure you FREE youself by telling the truth. They dont beed noble prize, they just want to be FREE from keeping a secret to people they love & care about.

        • Where have I been rude? I have just been honest and said that some people don't want to marry a person that has committed zina, and that acceptance isn't something you can just demand of people. What's rude about that?

          And exactly, if secrets come out in the open after you have gotten married and had kids, it can have devastating effects on the whole family. That's why I think it's shitty to not be honest about your past BEFORE you get married and have kids, and why I don't think telling the truth is something people should be applauded for like they're doing something extraordinary. It's just something any decent human being would do...unless your partner is very clear that the past does NOT matter to them. Then sure, conceal whatever you want. But if you have a preference, you tell a person you have this preference and the person choose to hide from you that they are not right for you...yeah, that is very shitty.

          Yes, we all have flaws, but no one is entitled to accept a flaw in someone else which they don't possess themselves. Just because I'm a thief, doesn't mean I have to accept a man that's slept around. This "flaw for a flaw" thing doesn't work. You are entitled to demand of someone what you can offer them. If I'm a virgin - regardless of what flaws I have - I'm entitled to demand a husband that's a virgin, too.

      • Also, I don't need to know anything about this girl other than she's committed zina. When you commit zina, NOTHING "happens to you" - because that's called RAPE, not ZINA. Zina is when you willing choose to me with a person before marriage...and I'm sorry, nothing can justify that in my world. That's why I don't care when, how, why and who with this girl committed zina. In the end of the day, she made a willing choice to sleep with a man before marriage, and that's unacceptable to me. Yes, even if it was a man instead of a woman I would feel the same. Before I got married, I declined proposals from many guys, because I learned they are not virgins.

        • You're oblivious to the way you comment and can't see that your words are harsh and blunt. Do you really think what you're saying is going to help or benefit someone? Your opinion is based on your own personal beliefs and you are entitled to that. But there is something called being soft with words while still making a statement. Our prophet(SAW) was a perfect example of that and we should try to follow in his footsteps.

          Zina is one of the worst sins but remember that even the best of people(ie. The prophets and the Sahabas) have committed worst sins and Allah had forgiven them because they changed and truly repented. People can change for the better and by being blind and saying you don't care who or what that person is and she is only known for Zina, that's what makes you very RUDE.

          People are entitled to their own likes/dislikes. But it's just plain wrong to judge someone for their past and hold them accountable for that even when they are a new person. That's why so many brothers and sisters are either single or divorced but cannot find another spouse.

          • Sohrab,
            I'm not oblivious to the fact that my words can be harsh. I have mentioned several times in other posts that my words CAN be harsh. But in this instance, no, I don't think I was being harsh at all. Blunt, yes, but not harsh. I'm sorry you're sensitive, but that's not really my problem.

            You also write:
            "People are entitled to their own likes/dislikes. But it's just plain wrong to judge someone for their past and hold them accountable for that even when they are a new person".

            You're contradicting yourself. On one hand you say you respect people's personal preferences, then go ahead and say that preferences that aren't to your liking are wrong. It's not up to you to decide if an individual's preference is wrong - the point of having a preference is that you can't control what attracts you in another person. So why is it wrong if you can't help it? Is it wrong to like vanilla ice cream, too, because you might prefer chocolate? Or to prefer a blonde wife, because you prefer brunettes? Your arguments are ridiculous. It's NOT wrong to prefer a partner that has not committed zina. Not more wrong than it is to prefer a wife that's beautiful rather than ugly, a husband that's rich rather than poor, etc.

      • >> It would have been shitty of her to NOT tell the truth, in my opinion.

        No it wouldn't. Sorry sister but your opinion here wouldn't matter.

        Aboo Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him), who said: I heard the Messenger of Allaah (sallallaahu ‘alayhe wa sallam) saying:

        “All of my ummah (nation of followers) will be excused, except for the mujaahireen (those who make their sins known). And verily it is a kind of mujaaharah (exposing one’s sins) that a man does something (sinful) at night, and then in the morning, when Allaah has screened his sin for him, he says, ‘Hey So-and-So! I did such-and-such last night…’ And the night passed with His Lord screening him, and he wakes up casting aside the screen of Allaah from himself.” (Saheeh Bukhari)

        It's not wrong to not want to marry a previous zaani either. The onus would be on the person seeking to marry to make this clear at the start if he/she absolutely want this. And the other person should not go ahead with the proposal, as simple as that. By pushing someone to reveal their sin you're taking part in exposing them. There is no ruling that ordains that anyone needs to expose their past more than necessary to someone and reveal what Allah has veiled.

        It's okay to find it personally unacceptable to marry a zaani but we should refrain from making harsh judgement about things that are clearly not wrong in, this case, hiding sins. That is why we say. Alhamdulillah that our Rabb is Allah and He alone can judge best what's right and wrong.

        • Kittylover,
          It's not a matter of opinion, no. Yes, people have the right to hide their sins, I have never said they don't have that right. I have only said people should be truthful - but there are different ways of being truthful. You can hide your sins while still being honest with a person. I remember when I was getting to know my husband, I gave him a list of things I could not tolerate in him if I ever found out he'd done those particular things in his past (they included zina, homosexual relations, drugs, etc.) - and I asked him to please disrupt the marriage process if he had ever done any of the things on the list. Without telling me what he has done, exactly, he could have said, "I'm sorry, but it looks like I'm not right for you. Let's go our separate ways and find partners that are better for each of us". And that would be fine. That's one way of being truthful without without revealing the gory details of your past. There are probably a million other ways to be truthful, yet, preserving people's right to keep their sins to themselves.

          It's never a good idea to enter a marriage with a secret...because if the partner has no idea that you have baggage, it will feel like a shock and a huge betrayal if they end up finding things out about their spouse from a 3rd party. So rather just be a decent human and be honest with the fact that you have a past.

          • I agree with you on somethings but your view could only apply to some people. In majority cases almost everyone has baggage. And I'm not talking about only sexual baggage but emotional and psychological as well.

            This is truer in case of reverts who come from a different or more liberal culture and even in case of born Muslims (especially in these times). I agree these kinds of baggage may affect a relationship and that is EXACTLY what happened in the OP's case!!

            Had the girl been free of guilt she wouldn't tell him what she did. But this cannot apply in each and every case!

            People repent and move on and Allah is the one that heals scars.
            Even a zaani wouldn't accept another zaani if we go around revealing our past to every prospect. This is why the ruling of being forbidden from revealing our sins is such a mercy. There is no two way about it. If someone think that is unfair to all the "pure" ones out there then they'll have to take it up with Allah or simply find a way to get past it like you mentioned.

            What the OP did was the right thing. But speculating a future where one finds out about their partner's past from a third person wouldn't be as macabre as it seems.If the person has repented and has been a good partner then to a spouse it wouldn't matter and it doesn't matter to most people who are aware of their own baggage and would rather be with their partner than end a marriage over something no one can change.

  4. Salam,
    My question is: Have you had sexual relationship yet? be honest with yourself! If the answer is yes, you set double standard!

  5. Wa Alaikum as Salaam.

    First of all you have all the right to cancelled your engagement, it's your right after all.

    But i believe if you really love your fiance you should accept and love her the way she is now, not what happen to her in the past. There are many things happen before we met the one who truly meant for us.
    We get along with a lot of people, be friends with them and along the way fell in love to someone whether his the right guy/girl we really doesn't know until things happen(shit).
    We don't set standard to any human being just b'coz she lost something along the way before meeting you.
    In the first place u weren't there to know what's really happen to her before.

    Instead of you hating her, you should be thankful that she told you the truth. Not all girl can be honest enough to tell you ahead of time about her past b'coz it's not something to be proud of.
    But her opening up to you means she sincerely love you and she doesn't want to disappoint you further, by hiding things to you.

    If your love for her is really sincere & honest you will accept her as who she is and not what she have or what she can give.
    Don't be double standard by judging her just b'coz she have a past.

    We all make mistakes.

    Insyallah you will learn to forgive and let your heart decide if this is what you really want.

    Remember having a virgin wife doesn't make u truly a man.

    But how u build your family, how your treat your family and how you make you wife happy in the future will make you a BETTER MAN.

    Not all marriage last just b'coz a man have a clean/virgin wife.

    Marriage will last by being sincere, trusting, understanding, loving each other and always put all your FAITH tru Allah.

    May Allah guide & enlighten your decision brother.

  6. I don't know if men are hardwired to be a lot more unforgiving and unrelenting knowing about their partner's/potential partner's sexual past or it's just a social construct where women are grossly more accountable for their deeds compared to men who can screw and come out clean (literally) of any such encounters (and thus easy to forgive for women).

    But here we are.

    This is why in our beautiful faith its considered a sin to reveal our sins, major or minor. Your fiance chose to tell you about her past which (assuming she didn't know about the ruling of revealing of sins) seems unnecessary and stupid.

    Yes some people think it as noble, self sacrificing yada yada but fail to take into account the impact of such a thing on a man's mind (especially one from a desi culture). Unless there is a chance of spreading STD, in an ideal world it shouldn't matter what a person did in their past. If you give it long enough this detail won't even matter.

    You already broke the engagement brother, so why are you still not at peace?

    In your question you didn't mention if you loved your fiance so assuming it was an arranged one you should be over it in a month or two insha Allah.

    If not, it seems like your ego may have bruuised. I'm not saying it like it's a bad thing but it will help to know that at least you saved yourself and her from the lifelong emotional atrocities a festering ego might have caused.

    For next time make up your mind whether you are mature enough to give a damn about someone's past and if yes, let them know that. Many women think they mightbe doing the right thing by mentioning their past but our ceiteria of judging is what Allah has ordained. So take this as a lesson and clear it out with future prospects whether you smell a confession of this nature coming or not.

    I'd still suggest, give it some time and let it humble you. She is out of your life. I don't see what more you or she could have done about this.

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